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The numbers don't lie... - Page 2

post #21 of 26
I don't know. I know that my costs went up a lot after dd came. I did have to have an extra room for her (where her father did not since she sleeps with her SS the 2 times a month she stays there). I put out a substantial amount in things like diapers and other things she needs (different than a typical kid since she has some special needs) which I provide her dad with as well. I did have to keep the house warmer in the winter and cooler in the summer when she was tiny. So dd's basic costs regarding food and housing are significantly different with me being the custodial parent. I assume he'd have a significant difference in those costs if she lived there.

I also have to factor in things like her personal appointment schedule which causes me to work very odd hours so she can get to therapy and doctors. My income, potential for advancement and senority (including raises and contribution to 401K) are all affected by dd's schedule. If ex and I lived and raised dd together, I would not be behind the 8ball all of the time regarding my own income and retirement since we'd be a team. So that should be factored as well.

And I have to add in the wear and tear on our car. I put a minimum of 200 mi per week just shuttling dd around for her own things. That's in addition to the things we do as a family. So figure gas, tolls, and wear on the car for those 800mi per month.

I also have to use a lot more electricity during the day since dd and I are home then. The heat has to be on warmer (I would turn the heat down to 60 during the day if we were not home) and the air has to be cooler in the summer. If not for dd, I would be working those hours.

So while the incidentals like soap and shampoo are negligable, the housing costs I incur are not... not by a long shot.

I am sure other families may do all of what I described better and more efficiently, it is what is in my household.
post #22 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunflowers View Post
My income, potential for advancement and senority (including raises and contribution to 401K) are all affected by dd's schedule. If ex and I lived and raised dd together, I would not be behind the 8ball all of the time regarding my own income and retirement since we'd be a team. So that should be factored as well.
Excellent post. Definitely true for my family, too. My dd is not SN, but she gets strep throat, has dental appts, is impacted by school closures due to weather - 6 days last month - etc., which I alone must take as vacation. And as in any client-focused profession, mine has suffered - literally, financially - because I cannot be as available to clients as can my colleagues who have wives.

My dd's NCP (he's actually never met her, whew!) does not have these costs.
post #23 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunflowers View Post
I put out a substantial amount in things like diapers and other things she needs (different than a typical kid since she has some special needs) which I provide her dad with as well.
Bolded is mine. I think those are the key words there. In my family, we pay for everything my stepdaughter needs at our house and "half" (okay, technically it's 80%) of what she needs at her Mother's house. She's with us approxamately 30-40% of the time, but we still need to provide her with everything she needs at our house, plus the child support, plus the alimony (completely different post there!), plus everything that get "lost" at her Mother's house. (Example, about 25% of her clothing gets "lost" at her Mother's house each month and we have to go buy her new clothes.) In our situation, we provide for her here and most the time, for her at her Mother's house. If her Mother provided for us like you provide for your daughter at her Dad's house, we wouldn't have the same problems we have, or at least not as much, know what I mean?
post #24 of 26
Harley, while I do provide her dad with these things, they do not always use them. I would have no problem if they did (that's why I send them) but they tend to have dd's own basic needs covered at their house (diapers, basic personal hygiene items). I do provide all of the clothing (and any meds, specialty foods, therapy items, ect) which they use. Thankfully, we do not have issues regarding the passing of clothes back and forth. I've read enough of these boards to know that can be a huge point of contention.
post #25 of 26
Like I said, it's case by case. The difference between being single and having one child is a big difference, while the difference between having two children and three is much less. The difference between having a child with no special needs and one who has therapies, specialists, medication, etc would be two totally different scenarios. In our own case, it would be MUCH cheaper for us to have my step-daughter living here full time than to share custody and pay child support. It would be much MORE expensive for my husband's ex to pay child support and have the parenting schedule reversed. That's just the way it is in our situation, and I recognize that may not be the case for others.

While it may be a fact that if you are going to have sex with someone you are making a choice to potentially have a child with someone, I doubt many people think "if I have sex with this person, I am committing to spending the state mandated amount of child support every month if things don't work out between us." I didn't go into either of my marriages intending to split up. When my husband and I decided to have children, we thought about whether WE could afford it, the changes WE would need to make to OUR life... but neither of us calculated what we would be paying in child support and our estimated income and expenses of maintaining two separate households should we some day split up... And frankly, if that was one of the calculations I thought to make at the time, I shouldn't have been having children with him in the first place. And I am pretty sure I would not believe a woman who told me that before they had sex with someone, they thought about how much THEY would have to pay in child support if they had a baby, split up with the father, and the father got custody...
post #26 of 26
Financially it's inefficient to live between two households. This is something retired people who follow the warm weather through 2 homes quickly realize. Even with careful planning it is much more expensive to travel between and live in two homes. This doesn't necessarily account for 4X an expense but I'm sure it does for some of it.
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