Help, I don't like my teenager.

[aniT]

I love her, but I don't like her at all.

A year ago I let her go live with my mother. She was getting migraines, she was violent, and she was/is rude and disrespectful. And while he health issues have disapaited, her rude disrespectfulness has not. The only time she calls me is if she wants something. If I try to ask her to help watch the kids she can't because she is "busy hanging out with friends." She called me last night at 10pm and wanted me to give her money RIGHT NOW for lunch because I guess it was finals and she could go off campus. I said no, first off all I was not going to bring her money at 10pm and 2nd of all I am sick of her demanding money and things all the time. She never ASKS she always demands.

When I try to talk to her she always hangs up on me. I admit I hang up on her too. She will call and demand demand demand.. I will say No I have to go over and over til I finally have to hang up cause she wont stop. But when I try to tell her how I feel, like I am tired of being treated like crap and only being called when she wants something she hangs up on me. When I do talk to her she always has an attitude like wtf do you want, why are you calling me (this is what her tone of voice says, not her actual words.)

Add to this I have not been talking to my mother since October. My mother has been treating my husband like a piece of dirt for years.. and she went off on me screaming becuase I had to do my taxes the day before they were do and I couldn't take her somewhere RIGHT NOW. I told her I would take her the next day, and her exact words were, "Thats just not good enough." My mother has missed all my kids birthday's this year, thanks giving, and Christmas not to mention my birthday because she refuses to apologize to me. Thats all I asked for was an apology and she refuses. She would rather not spend time with my kids and go around telling everyone how I wont let her see them.

I would like DD to come home but she refuses. She wants to stay at her grandmas where she can do whatever she wants. I feel forcing her to come home will just make things worse.

I dont know what to do. Everyone tells me what a lovely person my daughter is. Yet I have not seen this person in YEARS. I don't want to do things for her cause she is so nasty to me, her siblings and my dh (who is not her father). Yet she calls me and demands her permit.. she tells me I said she could get it when I never said any such thing. Then she gets pissed cause I wont let her have it cause her grades are horrible and she is rude and nasty to everyone. If I ask her a question I get yelled at for "checking up on her." or she tells me it is none of my business.

Do I keep trying.. or do I just give up? I have so much going on with the other kids.. DD2 has ADD and the lil ones are so lil, that I just want to stop calling her cause I know she is just going to be nasty. I know everything I try to offer will be scoffed at, or she will just demand more material things from me. Then she has the nerve to tell me I am selfish, I think the world revolves around me, and I will just scream at people when I don't get my way. Ummm no, that is her grandma. GAhhhh....

[2mama]

It sounds like you both could use some help from a mental health professional. Have you concidered counciling.. It sounds like things are very disfunctional...

Good luck..

[aniT]

Originally Posted by 2mama

It sounds like you both could use some help from a mental health professional. Have you concidered counciling.. It sounds like things are very disfunctional...

Good luck..

She went for a few weeks.. she refuses to go anymore. But I wouldn't put it past her to lie. Thats what I would have done had I been sent to one as a teen.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by 2mama

It sounds like you both could use some help from a mental health professional. Have you concidered counciling.. It sounds like things are very disfunctional...

I agree.

Unfortunately, a lot of what you describe sounds like me when I was a teenagar and my friends as well. Most of the kids I knew didn't listen, wanted to do as they pleased and thought they were already grown up. My parents would stay on me until I behaved. Maybe by allowing her to go live with your mother you have shown her that she can get her way and do what she wants to do.

The main thing is that your child is still a minor and regardless of where she wants to live you have the authority over that. You can make her come home because you are her parent.

[montlake]

Honestly, I get the vibe that you didn't "let" her go live with your mother as much maybe sent her to go live with your mother. Which would certainly shed a lot of light on both her and your mother's view of you right now.

How much do you call her when you're not wanting help from her to watch the kids?

I think you are both exhibiting matching behaviors. One of you does not sound worse than the other. You need to take the bull by the horns and get you BOTH in counseling. Someone asked about you both doing it and your only comment was that SHE quit going. You both need it badly I think if you are going to salvage the relationship.

[CarrieMF]

She went for a few weeks.. she refuses to go anymore. But I wouldn't put it past her to lie. Thats what I would have done had I been sent to one as a teen.

I can't speak for the pp, but IMO counselling for the BOTH of you together is needed. It sounds like she's acting like your mother, so perhaps your mother's house is not the best place for her.

IMO bring her home, no she isn't going to like it at all. You could come up with a deal with her, she comes home, brings her grades up & then you'll discuss her permit again. Respect needs to go both ways.

When you tell her no, do you give her valid reasons? I don't think telling her how you feel is really going to make a difference, teens are quite self centered. It also lets them know exactly what buttons to push. If my mother would have told me she was upset, disappointed, etc over something I did I would have kept that in mind for the next time I wanted to make her feel like that. I'd know exactly how to do it.

[aniT]

Originally Posted by montlake

Honestly, I get the vibe that you didn't "let" her go live with your mother as much maybe sent her to go live with your mother. Which would certainly shed a lot of light on both her and your mother's view of you right now.

How much do you call her when you're not wanting help from her to watch the kids?

I think you are both exhibiting matching behaviors. One of you does not sound worse than the other. You need to take the bull by the horns and get you BOTH in counseling. Someone asked about you both doing it and your only comment was that SHE quit going. You both need it badly I think if you are going to salvage the relationship.

She was violent, punching and hitting me and the other kids. She was having migraines when was from the other kids screaming and yelling. My 10 year old has ADD and had just been diagnosed a few month before that. (did i mention that i don't remember and don't feel like going back to look.) I tried dealing with that naturally on my own but it's not working. I have appointments for help for her next week. In the meantime DD2 makes the lil ones scream and the noise level in this house is very high. I thought this was contributing to DD1 headaches. Which did go away at my mothers.

As for calling her, i do try to call her a couple times a day after school. She is generally rude and "busy." I am trying to help her get her grades up and get into a higher high school program she wants to get into next year, but when I email the people at school she needs help from she yells at me to butt out. This coming from someone last year who refused to talk to anyone at school herself and always demanded I do it.

As for my mother's attitude. She is just being a UAV. She has always simply tolerated my husband. He does not drink , he does not do drugs, he works his ass off to make sure we have a home and other things we need. Since she followed us to Oregon she has been more and more rude to him. Contradicting him in front of the kids when he discipline them. Making snide comments about him that she either things are jokes or she just wants us to think are jokes. Throwing screaming fits about rediculous things. (for instance he borrowed a utitlity trailer of theirs, my stepdad told him to park it on the street, he parked it backwards becuase he thought that would make it easier to put away. My mother threw a SCREAMING fit about this in front of DD, yelling about how they could have gotten a parking ticket and blah blah. When I tired to explain to her that he thought he was doing stepdad a favor she screams (like a crazy person) for me to STOP STICKING UP FOR HIM.) I want to move to the next town over, she screamed at my husband for trying to take me and the kids away. My brother was thinking about moving up here and I talked to him about maybe renting our house if we could move.. she screamed at me that my house was a piece of shit and she wouldn't want to rent it either. (dd was at school for this last one.) So you get the point. I finally put my foot down and demanded an apology and that is when DD started getting worse. Plus my brother and his wife moved in there and took my mom's side cause she is family and you should just suck it up and let her treat me and my family like dirt.

And as for watching the kids.. I rarely ask her. I spent 13-16 watching my little brothers every day after school and all summer long for FREE.. I wouldn't do that to anyone else. I usually take the lil ones with me and deal with it. (Which I spent years doing when my mother lived 160 miles away and dd was to young to help, however tis ws for DD2's appointment with the ADD psychologist and I don't think it would be productive to take the lil ones to that.

I don't have time for more now.. maybe when I get back from the fire station field trip this afternoon.

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by aniT

She went for a few weeks.. she refuses to go anymore. But I wouldn't put it past her to lie. Thats what I would have done had I been sent to one as a teen.

It sounds to me like you need to go to counseling, whether anyone else goes or not. People are much more resistant to counseling if they feel they are being made out as the problem or the bad guy, which is probably how your dd felt for being sent. That's how my ds reacted to counseling. I continued to go for myself and it has been very helpful for our entire family. So, that's my suggestion.

Get counseling for yourself.

[kolleen9]

Originally Posted by MarineWife

Get counseling for yourself.

That would be my answer also. Please don't hesitate for your sake, the children's sake and your hubby's sake. I know being a mom can be extremely stressful, but like it or not we are the glue that holds our world together. If we have peace inside, it's a lot easier to be that glue.

good luck!
Kolleen

[aniT]

Counciling is not free. Insurance does not pay for it unless there is a medical diagnosis. If there is a medical diagnosis on your record it can be used against you for the rest of your life.

Right now I am using my recourses to help DD with her ADD, because honestly that is at least 75% of the stress issue around here.

Does anyone have any advice other than therapy? Thanks.

[Tangled Hill]

I haven't BTDT, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

Considering you'd like to bypass therapy, this is what I would do. First, let your mom and daughter know that on X date, she'll be moving back in with you. Then, every day leading up to that, send your daughter a letter telling her how you feel, how excited you are to have her coming home, etc. Every positive thing you want to tell her but haven't been able to for whatever reason. Leave all the negative stuff out. She may decide not to read them, but that's okay. She can read them whenever she's ready.

Then, fix up a space for her in your house. If you have space for her to have her own room, that's perfect. She'll need a place to get away from the noise of the other kiddos. She'll need some privacy. And, when she moves back in, make sure she knows that that space is hers and hers alone. This is oh-so-important for teenagers - especially teenagers who are getting headaches from the noise of their siblings!

Once a week, have your own little counseling session. Lay some ground rules - like, we won't discuss X just yet, no yelling, etc. Then, just talk about whatever you like for an hour or so. Make some popcorn or go out to breakfast - whatever. Just give yourselves some time alone to talk.

As for your mother, I'd let her know that you'll be happy to welcome her back into your life whenever she's ready, but that, until then, you won't be contacting her. If she does want back in, welcome her with open arms, but don't be a doormat. Whenever she starts to freak out, tell her that you're uncomfortable being around her while she's acting like that, and leave (or have her leave). Tell her that you love her, but she's stressing you (and your children) out.

These are just the things that came to mind. Not really knowing you and your situation IRL, they may be completely off base. Hope something in there helps, though. Good luck!

[Cherie2]

I feel you

Hi there, I don't have much time to write (last day at my job, start a new one next week so it will probably be a while before I do have time) anyway I just wanted to let you know that I feel you! I have had a very tough time with with my dd. She is 20 now and it is getting better, but it has been a very rocky road. I will say that some of the very best advice I have gotten is from the consensual living discussion group on yahoo. I really recommend talking to those guys about it .. so helpful. My dd also refuses counseling, has had extreme and violent outbursts and just does things sometimes that I just can not wrap my brain around. sigh ... I just want to send you some hugs and let you know I have been there -

We have come a long way, she has been gone for 2 1/2 weeks now visiting her boyfriend and I miss her terribly

[kolleen9]

Originally Posted by aniT

Does anyone have any advice other than therapy? Thanks.

What about a support group? Look in your local pennysaver/newspaper and see if there is one in your area. Even a ADD support group would be helpful.

I'm not sure if you're religious, but a lot of those type of institutions have support groups.

If you can't find one, how about creating a circle for women in your house once a month?

I understand how the financial can keep one from moving forward with therapy. I completely hear you on that. Maybe you can find a way to get support without spending money?

-Kolleen

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by aniT

Counciling is not free. Insurance does not pay for it unless there is a medical diagnosis. If there is a medical diagnosis on your record it can be used against you for the rest of your life.

Right now I am using my recourses to help DD with her ADD, because honestly that is at least 75% of the stress issue around here.

Does anyone have any advice other than therapy? Thanks.

Counseling can sometimes be free through churches, I think. Also, there might be a community counseling center that works on a sliding fee scale. I'm not sure what you are afraid of with the medical diagnosis being used against you. I've had a medical diagnosis of depression for which I've sought counseling and taken medication on and off since I was 15 years old. It has never been used against me in any way.

I also second the consensual living group.

[A&A]

You don't like your dd. She doesn't sound like she likes you either. And you don't like your mom. And it doesn't sound like she likes you, either. Do you see a generational pattern going on here? And what is YOUR place in it? Not just your mom and dd being the "UAVs" in the picture.

I would either bring her back home and raise her yourself or give up on raising her and leave her alone for the time being.

[fek&fuzz]

Originally Posted by A&A

You don't like your dd. She doesn't sound like she likes you either. And you don't like your mom. And it doesn't sound like she likes you, either. Do you see a generational pattern going on here? And what is YOUR place in it? Not just your mom and dd being the "UAVs" in the picture.

I would either bring her back home and raise her yourself or give up on raising her and leave her alone for the time being.

yep. and get therapy. because your reasons for not getting it are kind of sad. you won't attempt to fix your relationship with your daughter because you are afraid of what that will put on your "record"? therapy will help you both. if it matters to you to have a relationship, then do it.

[aniT]

Originally Posted by MarineWife

Counseling can sometimes be free through churches, I think. Also, there might be a community counseling center that works on a sliding fee scale. I'm not sure what you are afraid of with the medical diagnosis being used against you. I've had a medical diagnosis of depression for which I've sought counseling and taken medication on and off since I was 15 years old. It has never been used against me in any way.

I also second the consensual living group.

We are atheist so churches are out. (Interestingly my mother wont accept that I am atheist but accepts it of dd.) As for it being in your record if you ever go to apply for private insurance and life insurance you can be denied. Apparently if you want to adopt you can be denied as well. So while I have plenty of kids and do not plan to adopt, DD might want to some day.

Originally Posted by fek&fuzz

yep. and get therapy. because your reasons for not getting it are kind of sad. you won't attempt to fix your relationship with your daughter because you are afraid of what that will put on your "record"? therapy will help you both. if it matters to you to have a relationship, then do it.

My reasons are sad? The reason that i am focusing on trying to get my DD with ADD help? That I don't have money for everyone and their brother to go to counseling? When DD and I went to that counselor in the fall she even said I need to focus on getting help for DD2 first, that that would go a long way towards harmony in the house.

And therapy does not always help. I had horrible experiences with a school councilor and DH was taken to a shrink as a kid (I think the ADD comes from him and he was never diagnosed) and he hated the guy. As a matter of fact, after a couple years of trying to get DH to open up to him, when DH still refused to talk to him the guy got pissed off and threw his chess board across the room and started ranting and raving at him.

I just don't get this attraction to therapy. Honestly I don't. And quite frankly even if I wanted to go, I don't have the damn time. I have three kids here... one with ADD, a five year old and a toddler. I have no one to babysit, DH doens't get home from work til 6:30, I am constantly coming and going for ballet, school, preschool, girls scouts, piano lessons. The only time I get time to myself is after everyone is asleep at night. I have to stay up til midnight just to get alone time.

[mystic~mama]

hi Tina~ I have a 6 year old who talks to me sometimes in ways that make me wonder how she will be as a teenager...reading your situation, I feel for you...you both must be hurting to be in this situation...As a parent I feel a tremendous amount of responsibility to that little person. I am in counseling and it really helps getting to those inner child issues especially for me.

There is a book I recommend highly to you...

The Dance Of Intimacy, its a really fabulous book, very insightful into relationships and the dynamics that happen in them, it feels really empowering to understand the dynamics and is a first step in seeing the situation and moving forward to finding some solutions.

blessings to you and your daughter

[LionTigerBear]

Two books that are cheaper than therapy:

"Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers" by Gordon Neufeld

and

"Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves" by Naomi Aldort

If you only read one, read the first one-- Hold On To Your Kids. They usually have it at the library. I SO wish my parents and guardians-- even just one of them, any of them-- had read this when I was a teen. They really tried, but they didn't get it. This book explains perfectly what I was going through and how they could have reached me-- and what so many "troubled teens" go through. your daughter fits the profile exactly. I dare say your daughter will thank you someday if you read this book.

Also, if you are into energy stuff at all, try looking into flower essence therapy, and the book "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die" by Karol K. Truman. The thing with energy healing is that it is generationally connected so if you start to take flower essneces and process your energy issues, it will positively affect your daughter and mom, too, without them doing anything. And it will help your other children as well.

Good luck!

[aniT]

Thanks for the book recommendations!!! I will look into them.