Help, I don't like my teenager. - Page 3

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by aniT

I am doing what her therapist said. Apparently you seem to think her therapist is wrong. If the therapist is wrong, what is the point of seeing one?

And when it cost a lot of money, you do have to put what is likely to be of the most benefit first.

Therapists can be wrong. They are just people like you and me. That's why I said you have to shop around. You have to find the right therapist for your family's needs. Therapy is not a magic bullet but it can help if you let it. I'm surprised you aren't going to behavioral therapy for your child with ADD. It sounds like it's pretty extreme. The right therapist knows how to work the insurance system so that there is a diagnosis for your dd with ADD but the entire family gets counseling about everything, which makes sense since everything that goes on in the family would affect the child with ADD.

I'm sorry I don't have any other suggestions. The only other thing I can think of is to just wait it out. Hopefully, as she matures she will realize how her behavior is hurting herself and change it. My ds has matured a lot from 15 to 17. If you truly want your relationship with your dd to improve, though, you will have to acknowledge your part in the problem and change your behavior as well.

[aniT]

Also ADD is not cereberal palsy. It's not a thing that should cause you to ignore one child's needs for another.[/QUOTE]

BTW I had a friend with Cerebral Palsy in high school. He did not have behavioral problems that caused the house to turn into chaos within seconds. You can't compare the two. They are different.

Originally Posted by MarineWife

Therapists can be wrong. They are just people like you and me. That's why I said you have to shop around. You have to find the right therapist for your family's needs. Therapy is not a magic bullet but it can help if you let it. I'm surprised you aren't going to behavioral therapy for your child with ADD. It sounds like it's pretty extreme. The right therapist knows how to work the insurance system so that there is a diagnosis for your dd with ADD but the entire family gets counseling about everything, which makes sense since everything that goes on in the family would affect the child with ADD.

I have an appointment for Vision Therapy for DD2 on Thurs. and my first appointment with some type of ADD therapist for her on Mon. Which is where the monetary resources are going.

[kathymuggle]

I have no idea if you are still reading. I hope you are.

I have a few thoughts - but first off I would like to say I respect your decision not to go to therapy. I get that not everyone can afford therapy or believes in therapy - it simply means you will have to find other resources.

There are (in all probability) free or close to free groups for parents of teens. You could check those out. It might be nice to have someone IRL to vent to.

As for your post - here is my take - YMMV.

There are numerous types of posts on mothering - some looking for support and some looking for advice. Yours (and I have read the OP twice) seems to be asking for advice. I don't think you should get angry or frustrated over lack of support - when it was more of an advice post, kwim?

You seem to be angry - period. Angry at your mother and DD, and they are angry at you......anger, anger, anger. You really cannot fix them - but you can work on yourself! There is a book that has been recommended called the dance of anger - I have not read it, but heard good things. Perhaps you could check it out?

As per the specifics of your post:

I would not ask her to babysit - at all! I know it sucks that you cannot ask her to babysit - but you just shouldn't. There seems to be a lot of score keeping going on - you have demands on DD (babysitting, grades) and your mother (ummm - watching your child, apologies, holidays) and they make demands on you. Enough. Someone has to stop the scorekeeping, and it might just be you.

I am not sure what to think about her living with grandma. Part of me is completely against it - you do not like your mother for goodness sake and are letting a child live there, yet another part of me acknowledges that she is 15, and it might be better that she has some say in where to live. I just do not know - it is not an ideal situation.

Last thought - you say her grades are horrible. Is school working for her? Can she Homeschool or switch schools? It just seems that she must be miserable - not getting along with family memebers, not doing well at school - if there was one thing you could fix it might help with her quality of life.

Peace and good luck,

Kathy

[THANKFULFORFIVE]

Tina, I just want to say how sorry I am and disappointed with the posts here. Perhaps some people don't realize how negative and accusatory they sound? I absolutely feel your pain and I am deeply saddened that from those whom you seeked support....have failed you. There are no easy fix-its for those difficult teen years. Trial-and-error, regret, forgiveness, despair, trust, compassion and strength are all terms that come to my mind from living through it... I will not judge you, nor should any of these other posters!

[aniT]

Originally Posted by THANKFULFORFIVE

Tina, I just want to say how sorry I am and disappointed with the posts here. Perhaps some people don't realize how negative and accusatory they sound? I absolutely feel your pain and I am deeply saddened that from those whom you seeked support....have failed you. There are no easy fix-its for those difficult teen years. Trial-and-error, regret, forgiveness, despair, trust, compassion and strength are all terms that come to my mind from living through it... I will not judge you, nor should any of these other posters!

Thank you.

[Cherie2]

Originally Posted by THANKFULFORFIVE

Tina, I just want to say how sorry I am and disappointed with the posts here. Perhaps some people don't realize how negative and accusatory they sound? I absolutely feel your pain and I am deeply saddened that from those whom you seeked support....have failed you. There are no easy fix-its for those difficult teen years. Trial-and-error, regret, forgiveness, despair, trust, compassion and strength are all terms that come to my mind from living through it... I will not judge you, nor should any of these other posters!

I would like to second this, I have not been here since friday and can not believe the course that this thread has taken. I for one respect your choices ... have you looked at the consentual living group? - I am not the best advice giver but I really think you need to start by looking at the situation through her eyes, then look at yourself through your "parent" eyes. everybody deserves a little bit of compassion in this situation. Especialy you.

[aniT]

I am not sure I found the group. I found one that only has 5 members. Do you have a link to the group? I did find this website: http://www.consensual-living.com/Essay4.htm

I will look it over more when the younger kids go to bed and I can think. Thanks

[mamaduck]

The only thing that is jumping out at me right now is the fact that you are co-parenting a teenager with someone who are in constant conflict with (your mom.) Its an impossible situation. Ideally, all the adults in your daughter's life should be working together, on the same page, with the same goals and with a basic level of respect toward each other. So I guess my only advice would be to either work things out with your mom, or else pull your daughter out of there and find some other source of support. I really think that if your relationship with your mom is unmendable, and your dd is being raised by her -- that you will loose her.

I also wanted to suggest a weekly "date night" with your daughter where the two of you go out somewhere without the other kids, and without any particular agenda then to spend time together and get to know each other again. And I would focus on her interests and priorities during that time. Even if it is just a walk together, but still dedicated time that can be counted on.

[Cherie2]

Originally Posted by aniT

I am not sure I found the group. I found one that only has 5 members. Do you have a link to the group? I did find this website: http://www.consensual-living.com/Essay4.htm

I will look it over more when the younger kids go to bed and I can think. Thanks

here is the group site http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consensual-living/
i think you will need to join first, but that does not take too long.
that is the website, there is some really wonderful reading on there too.

[Mama Dragon]

I wasn't going to post, but I think I should. Grandma is a big problem in this situation. If your DD isn't going to live with you, she needs to live with someone who is stable, consistant, has set rules and won't let her get away with all the crap, plus will get her into counseling and see her through to the end. Is there any aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, who can take her in?

While your DD is living apart from you, as long as the home she is in is under income, she can get OHP. Then she can get ALL the therapy and help she needs.

[aniT]

Originally Posted by Mama Dragon

I wasn't going to post, but I think I should. Grandma is a big problem in this situation. If your DD isn't going to live with you, she needs to live with someone who is stable, consistant, has set rules and won't let her get away with all the crap, plus will get her into counseling and see her through to the end. Is there any aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, who can take her in?

While your DD is living apart from you, as long as the home she is in is under income, she can get OHP. Then she can get ALL the therapy and help she needs.

She can't get on OHP as she is covered under Dh's insurance..and she refuses to go to therapy. There is no point in forcing someone to go cause they will just sit there and not talk. DH wasted years worth of MIL's copay money when she sent him.

[AngelBee]

Not sure what to say but : for you, your dd, and your mom.