Can you be too close to your teen's friends?

[MarineWife]

My 17yo ds' friends have taken to calling me Mom. They stay at my house a lot. One friend unofficially lives with us. I don't mind at all. Actually, I like it (except for the grocery costs). We talk and joke and laugh together. They are very open and honest with me, which I think is a good thing. We don't hang out together at the mall or movies or anything like that, though. We aren't really friends in that sense, iykwim.

It concerns me a little that maybe they are too open with me. They talk openly about their drug and alcohol use, sexual escapades and fights, I assume because I don't judge them or react in a negative way. I do give my opinion when I think something is wrong or a bad idea but I don't tell them they are bums or not allowed at my house anymore like other parents, including their own, have done. These are, obviously, not what most people would consider "good" teens. One was in a gang. Several have been arrested. Most have been abused and neglected by their parents.

I guess I'm worried that they are taking my nonjudgement of them as condoning some of their behavior. Since I've been there, done that, I can relate and I'm honest about that. It's hard to know how to maintain that fine line between listening and understanding but still communicating that I don't think the behavior is ok.

[barbara73069]

Great job

I think you are fantastic to be like that with your son's friends. Teens need an adult that they feel free to talk to about things without being judged. You being there for them allows you the opportunity to share with them your years of wisdom. You have the opportunity to talk to them about being responsible with the sex and drinking. Alot of people may disagree with me but I really think it's great you are there for them. Good job!!! Barb

[MusicianDad]

Originally Posted by barbara73069

I think you are fantastic to be like that with your son's friends. Teens need an adult that they feel free to talk to about things without being judged. You being there for them allows you the opportunity to share with them your years of wisdom. You have the opportunity to talk to them about being responsible with the sex and drinking. Alot of people may disagree with me but I really think it's great you are there for them. Good job!!! Barb

:

I agree with out barbara. Having an adult you trust to talk to, even if they aren't your parent is a good thing always. They will take more away from the conversation then they would from a conversation with someone who judges and puts them down.

[tallulahma]

ita with pp.

i was the teen that was considered "bad" and TOTALLY benefitted from a relationship like you described here.

I am now the responsible adult that is there for my 21 y.o. niece.

every person needs a person to go to.

[kolleen9]

I think it's wonderful that you have managed to create a rapport with your teens friends. Unfortunately enough kids don't have this luxury.

You can listen to their tales without condoning their behavior. Letting them know you do't condone it is fine.

Kudos to you for doing what most people can't!

-Kolleen

[MarineWife]

Thanks everyone. You've validated what I was thinking. I didn't have that adult to talk to when I was a teen/young adult so it's very important to me to provide that for anyone I come across who needs it.

[dhammamama]

I really wish you the best with this. As the mom of a pretty good teen, it's hard for me to imagine this working well in the long run, but as an ex not so good teen, I know how I would have benefited from a caring adult.

I think you've got the idea of balance down and sending you thoughts of strength as you try to live it.

[LessTraveledBy]

Tough one... I would be more concerned for your little ones, though. Little kids tend to look up to older kids.

[barbara73069]

Like I posted before I think you are doing a wonderful job. I've done the same with my daughters friends and there are times it's tough to balance because I sometimes worry about accepting somethings that their own parents might not accept, plus I'm more liberal about things than most parents. But just follow your gut and be there for the kids, it's great they have you to talk to.

[TwinsTwicePlusTwo]

I think you're doing a wonderful thing! DH and I have discussed this, and this is how we plan to parent our teens--with complete openness and understanding. I'm sure we will also extend that understanding to their friends. DH's job involves working with a lot of troubled teens, and he already uses this approach with them.

I have very few worries that my older kids will 'corrupt' their younger siblings when they're teens. First, I will ask them not to do or discuss certain things in front of the younger kids (said activities and discussions can occur in rooms with the doors shut). I think my kids will respect me enough to obey this one tiny rule. Second, my little ones are supervised too well for older siblings and friends to be much of a problem with them.

Again, I applaud MarineWife's approach. Every teen needs an adult they can talk to without fear of judgment. Unfortunately, many do not have parents to fill this role.

[Ruthla]

I'm finding myself in a similar situation with some of DD1's friends. It just saddens me how adversarial some of these parent-child relationships are. None of these kids are (yet?) into drugs or sex or dangerous activity. One girl has "run away from home" to my house on two separate occasions.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm being too lenient with my kids; not being responsible enough. I've listened to conversations about disciplining teenagers that I felt so out of place in- I really have nothing to say when somebody tells me about how she's grounding her child because of bad grades. I'm not about to tell her how to raise her kid (especially when one of her kids is older than mine) but I have zero experience with "grounding" anybody and I certainly wouldn't punish a child over grades in school! Isn't the "bad grade" its own consequence?

I often wonder if I'm doing something wrong by not setting firm bedtimes or demanding they do specific chores within a specific time frame (we work on chores as a family unit and try to divide them up fairly, but when push comes to shove I won't force a child to do them or punish her for not complying.) But then I look at some of my kids' friends and realize it's not worth the risk. My kids can come to me with almost any question. Why would I want to risk that relationship over a basket of laundry?

I know it's good that my kids' friends have a "responsible adult" they feel safe with. But sometimes I question how responsible I'm really being!

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

I'm finding myself in a similar situation with some of DD1's friends. It just saddens me how adversarial some of these parent-child relationships are. None of these kids are (yet?) into drugs or sex or dangerous activity. One girl has "run away from home" to my house on two separate occasions.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm being too lenient with my kids; not being responsible enough. I've listened to conversations about disciplining teenagers that I felt so out of place in- I really have nothing to say when somebody tells me about how she's grounding her child because of bad grades. I'm not about to tell her how to raise her kid (especially when one of her kids is older than mine) but I have zero experience with "grounding" anybody and I certainly wouldn't punish a child over grades in school! Isn't the "bad grade" its own consequence?

I often wonder if I'm doing something wrong by not setting firm bedtimes or demanding they do specific chores within a specific time frame (we work on chores as a family unit and try to divide them up fairly, but when push comes to shove I won't force a child to do them or punish her for not complying.) But then I look at some of my kids' friends and realize it's not worth the risk. My kids can come to me with almost any question. Why would I want to risk that relationship over a basket of laundry?

I know it's good that my kids' friends have a "responsible adult" they feel safe with. But sometimes I question how responsible I'm really being!

I worry about the same thing sometimes. However, I do have some experience with the punishment/reward cycle. It didn't work for us. It made everyone miserable. My child hated me and was very secretive. His friends were never around. It's just since I let all of that stuff go and decided that loving each other and being happy was more important than being right that things have become the way they are. One thing I have noticed is that there is a huge difference in the behavior of my 5yo compared to when my oldest was that age. My current 5yo is much more helpful and cooperative and pleasant than my oldest was at that age. It could be personality differences but I think it's at least partially because I'm not trying to be an authoritarian parent anymore.

These teens aren't bad people. Most of them have grown up without knowing their bio dads. They've had abusive stepparents who kick them out every other day. One mother thinks it's funny to shoot her son with a BB gun. Another hits her daughter on the head with pots and pans when she gets mad. Another told her son he could come home in a week after his stepdad left on a business trip. Huh? How could a mother let someone put her child out on the street? Even the parents who are decent people make it very clear that they don't like teens (or maybe kids in general). One dad told me as he was dropping his son off here that he didn't know how I could stand having all of them at my house. They've never had someone just care about them.

I have and do sometimes still worry about the effects on my younger children but that influence would be without the friends because my own 17yo ds would still be here. I worried about their safety when we were dealing with the one guy in the gang. He's out now and we've never had any gang problems. I told him that he is not to bring that stuff to my house under any circumstances. A really cool thing is to see these guys interact with and talk about my dh. I don't think they've ever had a man in their lives who isn't abusive or a drunk or just plain mean. The one who was in the gang actually hugged my dh when he was leaving for a trip. I think it's wonderful that they can have a positive male influence in their lives. Hopefully, it will make a difference.

[Ruthla]

Wow- I guess I live a rather sheltered life! The teens I've personally come into contact with all have loving families and are overall good kids. One's dealing with divorced parents and mom's house/dad's house stresses, but she's still got 2 sets of loving parents.

[MarineWife]

Yeah, it's rather disturbing. I can't help but wonder how much of it is a military thing. I think my ds has a compassionate heart like me so he is drawn to helping those kids who have it bad. Obviously, the kids who have safe and loving homes don't feel the need to stay at my home every night.