I realize how selfish I sound, really, I have two amazing & healthy children, yet I complain. I know that the way I got them does not matter, what matters is that they are here .( my husband tells me that a lot when I cry because I am just so frustrated with my inability to change the past.)
My daughter is now 2 1/2 . When I was pregnant with her I was a very
different person. I did not have a homebirth. It was not a nice birth at all.
I went to the hospital , I got an epidural there, the midwife told me to cough, I coughed and they handed me my daughter. That is my whole birth story. beautiful,no? I have been so very sad about this stupid stupid decision,
I wanted a homebirth, I wanted next my baby to be born at home,into loving arms of his family. Up untill 2 (TWO!) days before his birth George was supposed to be a homebirth, but then that terrible doctor said that I could not have a homebirth. So I had him in hospital.
I was there,in pain, in the bathtub. I was crying in pain & the same doctor came to me, talked to me about pain relief, & then seriously asked me why i am crying and why i can't look at her she talks! Then, while I was having very strong contractions & cried, the midwife said to me "stop your crying now." I had another wonderful midwife, but still, the only thing I remember are those negatve things. I get so jealous when I read other peoples birth stories, I want my own, I want to go back, I want to change the way I had my children, but I know it's not possible. So how do I go on, how do I forget this, how do I make it a positive memory?
I am so scared, I am hopefully pregnant now, but there are a lot of twins in my family, so that would mean a c-section , and definitely my last babies as well, it was so hard to convince dh of having a third, having a 5th won't ever happen. What if I ruined my chances of ever having a homebirth?
What when my children ask me to tell them about the day they were born & I just say "I coughed,you were there" & "I had a mean midwife and a really rude and inconsiderate doctor" ?
My daughter is now 2 1/2 . When I was pregnant with her I was a very
different person. I did not have a homebirth. It was not a nice birth at all.
I went to the hospital , I got an epidural there, the midwife told me to cough, I coughed and they handed me my daughter. That is my whole birth story. beautiful,no? I have been so very sad about this stupid stupid decision,
I wanted a homebirth, I wanted next my baby to be born at home,into loving arms of his family. Up untill 2 (TWO!) days before his birth George was supposed to be a homebirth, but then that terrible doctor said that I could not have a homebirth. So I had him in hospital.
I was there,in pain, in the bathtub. I was crying in pain & the same doctor came to me, talked to me about pain relief, & then seriously asked me why i am crying and why i can't look at her she talks! Then, while I was having very strong contractions & cried, the midwife said to me "stop your crying now." I had another wonderful midwife, but still, the only thing I remember are those negatve things. I get so jealous when I read other peoples birth stories, I want my own, I want to go back, I want to change the way I had my children, but I know it's not possible. So how do I go on, how do I forget this, how do I make it a positive memory?
I am so scared, I am hopefully pregnant now, but there are a lot of twins in my family, so that would mean a c-section , and definitely my last babies as well, it was so hard to convince dh of having a third, having a 5th won't ever happen. What if I ruined my chances of ever having a homebirth?
What when my children ask me to tell them about the day they were born & I just say "I coughed,you were there" & "I had a mean midwife and a really rude and inconsiderate doctor" ?
Sorry you went through all that. It's probably better that you're getting all this out and working through it though, as painful as it is.
