How to help DH not freak out about upcoming birth? (Miscarriage mentioned, possibly upsetting)

[boysmom2]

I'm finally pregnant with one that seems to be sticking so we're talking about options for the birth. We have 2 DSs, and we've also had 5 m/c. Both of my boys were unmedicated, vaginal births (well, I had a pudendal block at the last minute with DS2, that I DID NOT consent to, but otherwise no drugs). My first birth was long and demanding of both of us since DS1 was posterior, but I had an awesome MW and it was still great. DS2's birth was fine until the OB got there and started freaking out and gave me the pudendal block, but still OK. So, that's not really the issue. The problem is that with one of the m/c that I had, about 18 months ago, I hemorrhaged and nearly died. In fact, when DH called the ambulance he thought I actually was dead. As a result, he's really freaked out about something going wrong this time. I've tried explaining to him that with that m/c I was kind of in denial. I knew what was happening, but I just didn't want to deal with it and I kept telling myself that I was fine. Looking back, I obviously should have gone to the hospital hours earlier than I did, but I just kept wishing it all away. I just cannot imagine that I would be so careless with myself and my baby in labor.

It's not like I'm trying to convince him to UC. Right now, I'm considering a hospital birth with a MW that I LOVE, but who is an hour away, or a homebirth with a midwife. Either way, he's not happy. He likes the hospital option better, but the distance worries him. I completely understand why he's worried, but I just can't give birth at the hospital that's 5 min away. I've heard dreadful things about it.

So, what can I do? We took a Bradley class with our first and DH really got into it. He agrees that natural is the way to go. He's just really freaked. He even said that when he sees me bleeding in labor - just normal bloody show / pp bleeding - he's going to feel panicked. We both want him there, but not like this, YK?

Sorry this is so long and rambling. Thanks for listening. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

[weliveintheforest]

What if you both got together with the midwife and talked about what you are feeling? Maybe she will be able to help reassure him, or explain what happened with your previous hemorrhage and why it is or is not likely to be an issue in the future.

Would some therapy or counseling be an option? Maybe art therapy, to express fears etc? In the birthing from within class I took, we did some art surrounding fear and it was quite powerful, and I felt it was good for my dh and I.

[meganmarie]

Would it be helpful to have a doula at the birth? My DH is also very anxious when it comes to dangers and risks to me and our children. Having someone with us who had experience and expertise during the time we were at home in early labor and during our longish car ride to the hospital was I think the only thing that kept him from going completely off the deep end. Our doula could reassure him about what was normal, was very helpful in recognizing signs of exactly when to leave for the hospital, and of course provided extra hands and help whenever needed (like holding a bucket for me to throw up in the car while DH was driving - and of course reminding him that throwing up was totally par for the course!). If I were in your shoes I might specifically look for a very experienced doula who has seen emergency situations and can talk about the right way to recognize and react to things.

By the way, it sounds like you are empathetic to your DH's concerns and not dismissing them which I think is the right way to go. His feelings may not be rational but they do have a basis in his experience and are very real for him - he can't help having them. Working together to find a good compromise and giving him time to get comfortable is the right thing to do. Good luck -

[barefootfarmwife]

I am very glad you started this thread.

I am in a similar yet different situation. I had a loss at 17 weeks, not sure if that is a miscarriage or stillbirth??

Durig the process I felt a pop and it felt wrong. I started to bleed. It wasn't much and they got it under control right away. Bleeding there alwasy seems to feel like more than it is. They may have given me something for the bleeding, don't remeber in the panic.

Saying I lost it would be an understatement. I felt fear like I have never known in this life, I actually thought I was going to die. Even though I know I was okay in hindsight and the fears then and now are pretty much irrational I am deeply scarred. It was an awful trauma and no matter how hard I try to convince myself all will be okay with my current pregnancy I am terrified.

Long story short, I can empathize with your husbands fears. You may not be able to find him harmony in time. Healing from those events takes time. Maybe just consider mentioning that if he chooses to attend you need him to be there and strong for you. Give him the choice to opt out, it may just be too overwhelming for him. I would also suggest a MW or doula who can help you both navigate the delivery process.

I know those are the sane things to do. Even as I type them I know it still wouldn't ease my own fears. I don't even buy it, lol. I just need to get it over with and be able to look back.......sad way to view it but not all pregnancies/deliveries go well. Not everyone is blessed with the euphoria and magic. *sigh*

[boysmom2]

Thank you all for your thoughts.

Originally Posted by weliveintheforest

What if you both got together with the midwife and talked about what you are feeling? Maybe she will be able to help reassure him, or explain what happened with your previous hemorrhage and why it is or is not likely to be an issue in the future.

Would some therapy or counseling be an option? Maybe art therapy, to express fears etc? In the birthing from within class I took, we did some art surrounding fear and it was quite powerful, and I felt it was good for my dh and I.

I think talking with the MW would be very helpful. Thank you, I don't know why I ddn't think of this! I've been meaning to look for the Birthing from Within Book. Thanks for the reminder!

Originally Posted by meganmarie

Would it be helpful to have a doula at the birth? My DH is also very anxious when it comes to dangers and risks to me and our children. Having someone with us who had experience and expertise during the time we were at home in early labor and during our longish car ride to the hospital was I think the only thing that kept him from going completely off the deep end. Our doula could reassure him about what was normal, was very helpful in recognizing signs of exactly when to leave for the hospital, and of course provided extra hands and help whenever needed (like holding a bucket for me to throw up in the car while DH was driving - and of course reminding him that throwing up was totally par for the course!). If I were in your shoes I might specifically look for a very experienced doula who has seen emergency situations and can talk about the right way to recognize and react to things.

By the way, it sounds like you are empathetic to your DH's concerns and not dismissing them which I think is the right way to go. His feelings may not be rational but they do have a basis in his experience and are very real for him - he can't help having them. Working together to find a good compromise and giving him time to get comfortable is the right thing to do. Good luck -

Thank you. I was not initially all that empathetic. We actually had a huge fight about where we should have this baby, and finally all this came out. I was so determined not to repeat the nonsense with DS2's birth, that I was just fixated on that. I do not want another jerk of an OB. I hadn't really considered that he would feel this way, and he couldn't believe that I could care that much about the details when at least I had survived. We've talked and I think we both feel better about each other's positions. We just have to find a way to work it all out now.

And I do think a doula could be helpful, but I don't know if I could convince DH of that either. I know he wouldn't want to pay for one, and I don't know how he would feel about having another person "taking over" his role. I know that wouldn't be the case, but I don't know if I could convice him.

Originally Posted by barefootfarmwife

I am very glad you started this thread.

I am in a similar yet different situation. I had a loss at 17 weeks, not sure if that is a miscarriage or stillbirth??

Durig the process I felt a pop and it felt wrong. I started to bleed. It wasn't much and they got it under control right away. Bleeding there alwasy seems to feel like more than it is. They may have given me something for the bleeding, don't remeber in the panic.

Saying I lost it would be an understatement. I felt fear like I have never known in this life, I actually thought I was going to die. Even though I know I was okay in hindsight and the fears then and now are pretty much irrational I am deeply scarred. It was an awful trauma and no matter how hard I try to convince myself all will be okay with my current pregnancy I am terrified.

Long story short, I can empathize with your husbands fears. You may not be able to find him harmony in time. Healing from those events takes time. Maybe just consider mentioning that if he chooses to attend you need him to be there and strong for you. Give him the choice to opt out, it may just be too overwhelming for him. I would also suggest a MW or doula who can help you both navigate the delivery process.

I know those are the sane things to do. Even as I type them I know it still wouldn't ease my own fears. I don't even buy it, lol. I just need to get it over with and be able to look back.......sad way to view it but not all pregnancies/deliveries go well. Not everyone is blessed with the euphoria and magic. *sigh*

I'm so sorry that you've been through all of this. I understand the stress that goes along with a new pregnancy. I've been so anxious this time around. Everytime there's the most minor issue, I immediately assume that it's all over. Like, I had strep throat a few weeks ago. As soon as the Dr. confirmed that that was what I had, I just resigned myself to the fact that my pregnancy was going to end. Totally irrational, I know, but it's hard to be rational after all of this. I hope you can find some peace.

[mrsfatty]

I can, sadly, completely relate to your situation.

My story:
(I have had a total of four losses, two full-term babies, and I'm pregnant now, due at the end of May.)
I had a loss at 15 weeks, where baby came out, but the placenta didn't (baby still attached to me and everything)--immediately I knew something was wrong (the whole process of losing that baby from broken water to baby out was 12 hours with NO contractions at all--and when baby came, still no contractions and I just felt off, no other way to describe it except "off")--so I called my OBGYN practice and immediately went to the hospital. Thankfully, when I started "bleeding out" I was in the hospital. Truth be told, I was immediately admitted in the ER (the on-call OBGYN notified them to be ready)...but, they weren't able to do everything for me right away (took forever to get IV in and they had to have bed tilted back so my head was below my legs) because we had to wait for an OR for the D&C for the placenta. I was given drugs to make my uterus contract, and taken into surgery. Before they could do surgery on me, they had to give me a second IV (anesthesiology required it) so the surgery which was to be immediate, was delayed because of waiting for the room and waiting to place a second IV (which took 45 minutes).

My whole point of sharing--there are limitations to doctors abilities to help us. No matter what the circumstance, there is always a twist because we're all individual bodies that act/react differently--AND--you have to wait for the hospital to be ready for you too, if there's a problem.

Now, just cause you had a problem before, doesn't mean you'll have a problem again.

Sorry, had to emphasize that.

What you really need to do is write out WHY you want UC/homebirth/whatever you end up wanting--and why you don't want midwife/hospital birth/whatever you don't want. Ask your husband to do the same. Then come together and share lists. He'll be surprised by your answers, I guarantee you. Men don't always consider emotional reasons in labor/delivery because they can't possibly know to, because they can't give birth, so they'd never know to consider something! For example, "I felt totally disrespected when I was giving a block against my consent. I felt completely helpless, in a situation that is already consuming, when no one would listen to me. I can't go through another experience like that again, where my wishes would be ignored. I feel like I'd be traumatized all over again. I need to be in an environment where my wishes are respected and valued. I need to feel safe where I'm giving birth. I feel safe giving birth at home with the midwife because ___. I feel like her medical knowledge will not only keep me and the baby safe, but ensure that our birthing experience will be a positive one. It's easy for me to see that you are scared by what happened when I miscarried. We should have gone to the hospital earlier. Looking back, I feel like I was numb and unwilling to process what was going on, because I didn't want to deal with the loss of our baby. That won't happen at our birth, because the midwife knows the signs to look for if there is any problem with ___. Are you willing to talk to me about your thoughts and concerns with me in giving birth at home, so we can both be comfortable with this upcoming birth? Are you willing to talk about it with the midwife, to ease your concerns about her expertise?"

USE *I* statements!!!

I hope that's helpful--and I hope you can both come to a solution you're both comfortable with (you shouldn't have to give birth where you're not comfortable, and he has a right to be heard, if you respect your relationship with him)--Hopefully you'll both get the birthing experience you want!

I'll share more later--but my kiddo is crying (the one that was born AFTER my second trimester loss)--and fyi, I didn't have bleeding issues after him at all--there was just something wrong with THAT pregnancy and THAT placenta. Just cause there's a problem with one pregnancy/birth doesn't mean there will be with another.

[boysmom2]

Originally Posted by mrsfatty

I can, sadly, completely relate to your situation.

My story:
(I have had a total of four losses, two full-term babies, and I'm pregnant now, due at the end of May.)
I had a loss at 15 weeks, where baby came out, but the placenta didn't (baby still attached to me and everything)--immediately I knew something was wrong (the whole process of losing that baby from broken water to baby out was 12 hours with NO contractions at all--and when baby came, still no contractions and I just felt off, no other way to describe it except "off")--so I called my OBGYN practice and immediately went to the hospital. Thankfully, when I started "bleeding out" I was in the hospital. Truth be told, I was immediately admitted in the ER (the on-call OBGYN notified them to be ready)...but, they weren't able to do everything for me right away (took forever to get IV in and they had to have bed tilted back so my head was below my legs) because we had to wait for an OR for the D&C for the placenta. I was given drugs to make my uterus contract, and taken into surgery. Before they could do surgery on me, they had to give me a second IV (anesthesiology required it) so the surgery which was to be immediate, was delayed because of waiting for the room and waiting to place a second IV (which took 45 minutes).

My whole point of sharing--there are limitations to doctors abilities to help us. No matter what the circumstance, there is always a twist because we're all individual bodies that act/react differently--AND--you have to wait for the hospital to be ready for you too, if there's a problem.

Now, just cause you had a problem before, doesn't mean you'll have a problem again.

Sorry, had to emphasize that.

What you really need to do is write out WHY you want UC/homebirth/whatever you end up wanting--and why you don't want midwife/hospital birth/whatever you don't want. Ask your husband to do the same. Then come together and share lists. He'll be surprised by your answers, I guarantee you. Men don't always consider emotional reasons in labor/delivery because they can't possibly know to, because they can't give birth, so they'd never know to consider something! For example, "I felt totally disrespected when I was giving a block against my consent. I felt completely helpless, in a situation that is already consuming, when no one would listen to me. I can't go through another experience like that again, where my wishes would be ignored. I feel like I'd be traumatized all over again. I need to be in an environment where my wishes are respected and valued. I need to feel safe where I'm giving birth. I feel safe giving birth at home with the midwife because ___. I feel like her medical knowledge will not only keep me and the baby safe, but ensure that our birthing experience will be a positive one. It's easy for me to see that you are scared by what happened when I miscarried. We should have gone to the hospital earlier. Looking back, I feel like I was numb and unwilling to process what was going on, because I didn't want to deal with the loss of our baby. That won't happen at our birth, because the midwife knows the signs to look for if there is any problem with ___. Are you willing to talk to me about your thoughts and concerns with me in giving birth at home, so we can both be comfortable with this upcoming birth? Are you willing to talk about it with the midwife, to ease your concerns about her expertise?"

USE *I* statements!!!

I hope that's helpful--and I hope you can both come to a solution you're both comfortable with (you shouldn't have to give birth where you're not comfortable, and he has a right to be heard, if you respect your relationship with him)--Hopefully you'll both get the birthing experience you want!

I'll share more later--but my kiddo is crying (the one that was born AFTER my second trimester loss)--and fyi, I didn't have bleeding issues after him at all--there was just something wrong with THAT pregnancy and THAT placenta. Just cause there's a problem with one pregnancy/birth doesn't mean there will be with another.

Thank you so much for this! I really don't expect that there would be a problem this time, but I think that's part of what worries him. Like I was too careless in the past to be trusted to judge things this time, YK? But, I really like your idea of writing all this out. Thanks for all the good examples too - that will really help me get started. I think it would be helpful for me to sort out my feelings about all of it and to share them with each other calmly.

I'm so sorry that you've been through so much too. You and your babe will be in my thoughts.

[mrsfatty]

Oh, and I'm sorry for your loss. And congrats on your new pregnancy! I wish you the best!

[boysmom2]

Originally Posted by mrsfatty

Oh, and I'm sorry for your loss. And congrats on your new pregnancy! I wish you the best!

Thanks!

[Manessa]

Originally Posted by boysmom2

I think talking with the MW would be very helpful. Thank you, I don't know why I ddn't think of this! I've been meaning to look for the Birthing from Within Book. Thanks for the reminder!

I would buy the book AND find a class to go to. Birthing from Within can be very helpful when healing from trauma. I would highly recommend it! Congratulations on your

[boysmom2]

Originally Posted by Manessa

I would buy the book AND find a class to go to. Birthing from Within can be very helpful when healing from trauma. I would highly recommend it! Congratulations on your

I just found it in stock at Barnes and Noble - I'm picking it up tomorrow! Thanks!

[Belle]

I have a similar story. I hemorrhaged during my miscarriage. My dh called an ambulance and I ended up with an emergency d&c and a transfusion. It was more scary for my dh than for me. Our second daughter was born at home less than a year later. I can't type a lot now because she's asleep on my lap. I'll write more later.

[boysmom2]

Originally Posted by Belle

I have a similar story. I hemorrhaged during my miscarriage. My dh called an ambulance and I ended up with an emergency d&c and a transfusion. It was more scary for my dh than for me. Our second daughter was born at home less than a year later. I can't type a lot now because she's asleep on my lap. I'll write more later.

Same here, definitely more frightening for DH than for me. I remember coming to after I passed out and wondering what all the excitement was about. My poor DH was so upset and I just felt really peaceful. Odd.

Anyway, I'm glad that you had a good outcome after your loss. It makes me feel better to hear that. Thanks for sharing your story.