Child Care Provider Pet Peeves - Page 6

[junipermoon]

Originally Posted by rivkah

I do not think it is my place to judge other people except in extreme cases of abuse. To take it out of the parenting context, I believe in buying only locally-raised meat and poultry. I have very serious ecological, ethical, economic, and health reasons for only buying locally-raised meat. Anyone on this board buy their beef from Sam's Club? I bet so. I would not make the same choice, but I am not in another person's position, geographically or economically. I would never assume that a person who buys meet from Sam's Club (sorry to pick on Sam's) doesn't care about the environment or the treatment of animals.

Similarly, to use an example of a common criticism, a parent who leaves their child in day care on day's off or if they don't have a job may seem like parent whose children are not their first priority. But we have NO IDEA! .

i feel this is an excellent point.

[purplepaperclip]

OK, I guess I'm not seeing the problem. These are not judgments based on people posting here. They are experiences the teachers and caregivers have had in the past with parents of children in their care. Really nothing to do with the mamas posting on this thread. It is not a personal attack on anyone here... Why get upset?

[lolar2]

I think the thing is that the OP was asking for helpful suggestions as to how we, the WOHMs who read the Mothering board, can make our relationship with our DCPs better; and it was misinterpreted by some subsequent posters as being intended as a gripe session. Obviously threads evolve, but it means that when I was reading for things like a reminder to bring extra clothes, I was wading through a lot of negativity.

The thing with the closing time is strange, though, and I think that is a systemic issue if it comes from the center's not wanting to pay staff to close.

[rivkah]

Originally Posted by suebee79

OK, I guess I'm not seeing the problem. These are not judgments based on people posting here. They are experiences the teachers and caregivers have had in the past with parents of children in their care. Really nothing to do with the mamas posting on this thread. It is not a personal attack on anyone here... Why get upset?

Maybe I'm just being too sensitive. Part of my religious education has made me really sensitive to these sorts of conversations. I don't think I'd ever feel OK "venting" about anyone this way.

I am just not going to read these sorts of threads anymore.

[purplepaperclip]

Originally Posted by rivkah

Maybe I'm just being too sensitive. Part of my religious education has made me really sensitive to these sorts of conversations. I don't think I'd ever feel OK "venting" about anyone this way.

I am just not going to read these sorts of threads anymore.

No worries chickie. What kind of education?

[AsYouWish]

Originally Posted by ihugtrees

Honestly, it's not a big deal if it's not every single weekend. But I have had MULTIPLE families who would spend every single weekend out with their friends, socializing the entire weekend. One woman in particular, a single mom, would bring her 13 month old child from house to house all weekend, drinking with all of her other single friends...who, by the way, every time they were together (I witnessed this) would rant about how awful every man in the world was and how much their lives sucked. Not the most positive environment for a child. Grown, 'mature' career women in their late 30's, early 40's--not 21 year olds here. She never, ever, not ONCE while I was working for her, took her daughter to the zoo or the park or the library. I would ask what they did that weekend and she would tell me honestly that they spent the weekend with this friend or that friend. There would be empty bottles of wine and beer on the counter, wine and shot glasses in the dishwasher. She always wanted me to feed her child dinner before she got there so that she could bathe her and put her in bed at 6:30 (she got home at 5 or 5:30.) Maybe it's just me, but if I never saw my child during the week, I would most definitely be spending as much time with her on the weekends as I could! If a child is missing a nap because of a trip to the beach or some quality time with family, that is an ENTIRELY different scenario. When I wrote that post, I was thinking more of the parents who can't let their previous life go at all, so they spend every single weekend painting the town with a baby in tow.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone. I think that if someone started a similar thread titled, "Biggest pet peeves about your job" that EVERYONE would love to vent about what their boss did or some stupid rule they have at work. If your boss came on and read that, I'm sure they'd be offended too. But just remember that if we really hated the job, we'd quit! For the most part, I have understood WHY my parents did things the way they did, even if I didn't 'approve' and LOVED their children (even if I didn't always love the parents)--that's what is important right?

But here we go again. Why would it be a big deal if the parents and children are busy and socializing every single weekend? Who does that hurt? Why do you care? How can spending time with loved ones -- friends or family -- be bad for the child?

When I wrote before about weekend family gatherings, I wasn't talking about the occasional weekend. Some portion of my family or DP's family gets together almost every single weekend. Some weekends they come to us and many weekends we travel to them, and that not only includes visiting our respective parents in our home towns, but also traveling to see my different sisters in their cities. Does that change your opinion then? Do we no longer have your approval? Is it a big deal now that you've learned that my nieces and nephews have spent nearly every weekend of their lives out with family or friends, socializing the entire weekend?

And for DP and I, we have a close circle of friends that are like family to us, people who now have titles such as "Honorary Aunt", "Honorary Uncle", "Honorary Grandma", etc. in relation to the baby we are expecting this Summer. And guess how most of our time with those friends is spent? Sitting around at one of our houses and talking (politics, religion, the economy, gossip, celebrities, family drama/gripes, work, you name it) and even *gasp* drinking some alcohol (well, not me right now, of course). I look forward to incorporating our child into this life and helping him/her develop meaningful relationships with all of our friends, all of the "aunts" and "uncles".

I think only good can result from a child being surrounded every weekend of their lives by an extended network of people who loves and cherishes him. And I think only good can come for a child who gets to regularly hear and observe adults talk and interact with each other in a real, meaningful way. As far as I am concerned, the main negative is the possibility that we might encounter the Monday morning judgment of our child care provider because we can't let our previous life go and continue to socialize -- *paint the town, even!! -- every weekend with our friends and family.

Short of abuse or neglect, it isn't the child care provider's business to approve or disapprove how parents choose to raise their child. From your posts it is clear that you think it is your business, and that is why your posts are offensive to the mamas reading this thread.

---------------

*It is a mystery to me how you think parents could possibly "paint the town" with a child in tow, a child who could never get into bars and clubs. Perhaps we have very different definitions of what it means to "paint the town".

[Aubergine68]

The relationship between childcare provider and parent is a surprisingly intimate one -- I would imagine *especially* so for a family with a nanny, very much so for a home childcare provider, maybe less so for a worker in a daycare center. But that intimacy is GOOD for children. It is a GOOD thing for caregivers to love the children in their care, care about their feelings and wellness, to develop relationships with the families they provide care for.

It is a GOOD thing for caregivers to be aware of stresses in the home/ family lives of the children in their care. It is to the benefit of little Dakota that his caregiver understands that his family is very busy on weekends, and that is why he is always so tired on Mondays that he can't play with the other children in his class and needs a morning nap. It is good for Madison if her caregiver knows (or suspects) that mom is suffering from PPD so that she can give Madison a little extra nurturing and cut the family some slack if the diaper bag isn't packed with extra clothes every day. It is good for Sarah if the caregiver knows that mom has to spend extra time with her big brother one-on-one because big brother is having trouble in his relationship with his dad, and even better if she has a way to explain this to Sarah, and a promise that Sarah will have a special date with mom, too, next week. Ideally, the caregiver has the resources to be flexible when the child needs it - though that sadly may not be possible in a society that grossly underfunds and undervalues childcare.

And no, we don't know everything about the lives and motivations behind the parenting choices made by parents of children in our care, (although due to the essential intimacy of the relationship between parent and caregiver, we probably really *do* know, and care, more than you might think. ) But we sure know how these choices affect the children. We deal with the behavior issues, the neediness, the crying, the minor illnesses, the crankiness, the true heartbreaking sadness that we sometimes see as avoidable.

Choices that parents make often have impacts on their caregivers that can make a day run smoothly or ruin it for other children as well as their own and make the caregiver's working day a misery. That doesn't give the caregiver the right to dictate how a parent should raise her child...but it doesn't exactly make it entirely none of the caregiver's business, either.

Childcare is a huge burnout field, to the great detriment of children who have to deal with caregiver turnover and the failure of healthy attachment that goes with that. It is also a good thing for caregivers to know their limits, and express those limits in the choices they make about who they work for, rather than burn out altogether and leave the field to go get a minimum wage job somewhere else that pays more than they are making now.

Some caregivers might be flexible in different areas. Maybe a nanny is ok with the odd late night on short notice if she can count on a smooth day because the children in her care have regular routines. Maybe a frontline daycare worker can keep her patience and her sanity if she knows that parents respect the reality that she needs to get out the door at closing time to catch the 6:15 subway home or she'll be waiting at her connecting bus for 45 min....instead of ragging on her because she has their child's coat on already at 5:55. As others have pointed out, communication and empathy are SO important in this relationship.

I read a lot of complaints about child care providers and daycares in this forum, and I wince sometimes, too. But beyond the negativity, I find there is always something to learn from each situation.

[tm2840]

:

What more can be said?

[dido1]

I think the overwhelming message of this thread is that regular communcation between parent and caregiver is the key to a good relationship/arrangement. I love my caregiver so much, and I make sure I take the time to ask her how her day was, not just how my son's day was. I really want to know if there are issues I can help with, or just be there to lend an ear if she needs to talk to an adult at the end of a day full of little people. I made it clear to her at the start that I want to know the good, bad and the ugly...if she thinks we need to hear something, we are listening. I share a little bit of what we are going through at home too, so she knows if there are things going on outside of school that might impact DS's behaviour. This has created a really good working relationship between our family and our caregiver.

[BunnySlippers]

Originally Posted by spedteacher30

I think that is my biggest pet peeve about daycare providers. Given the amount of money I pay each month for my son's care, they are providing me with a service I am paying for, not doing me a favor by watching my son.

Oh yes they are doing you a favour.

[DivineMrsM]

i guess for me, a fulltime WOHM, i find it offense when it is insinuated that since my son is in daycare, that i am not the one raising him, that his DCP is! that gets my neck up every single time i've heard (or READ) that. DCPs do not raise our kids. they HELP, but they are not the parent. so some of the things i have read in this thread are quite offensive.

Bunnyslippers - what do you mean they are doing a favour? are you serious or joking? if one is being paid to provide a service, how are they doing you a favour?

[Ceinwen]

Originally Posted by BunnySlippers

Oh yes they are doing you a favour.

Hmmm, I've been studiously avoiding this thread - but I can't let this go.

*I* am not doing my boss a favor by going to work - he's paying me.

My DCP is not doing me a favor by watching my child - we have a mutual arrangement, which involves her caring for my child in return for renumeration.

~That~ is not a favor.

[spedteacher30]

nevermind.

fingers typing before my emotions calm down.

[purplepaperclip]

Originally Posted by nursemummy

Hmmm, I've been studiously avoiding this thread - but I can't let this go.

*I* am not doing my boss a favor by going to work - he's paying me.

My DCP is not doing me a favor by watching my child - we have a mutual arrangement, which involves her caring for my child in return for renumeration.

~That~ is not a favor.

I know this is has already been discussed, but unless you have a private caregiver (nanny, babysitter, etc.) this analogy is not the same as a day care teacher : parent relationship. This is very important.

In a childcare center setting, the parent is NOT the boss as it were in the analogy. You are buying a service. If you do not like that service, you are free to buy another service, but you are not the boss. This is not to say that parents shouldn't have input because there should LOTS of open communication and discussion, but you cannot treat a childcare center teacher like an employee. It just doesn't work that way.

[Aubergine68]

Originally Posted by nursemummy

*I* am not doing my boss a favor by going to work - he's paying me.
\

Well, if you stay with your job when you could be making much more money elsewhere for working fewer hours, and you pour a lot of love into your work and your work meant more to your boss than life itself (as one's children are valued) then maybe you *are* doing your boss a favor by going to work.

I believe that you cannot buy love -- it must be freely given. If you love my children, you are doing me a huge favor.

I am a childcare provider, but I also sometimes hire evening babysitters for my own kids. I am so grateful to them for loving and caring for my babies when I am elsewhere. I pay them, but I also genuinely feel that they are doing me a favor by caring for my kids, not just providing a service.

[Ceinwen]

Originally Posted by Aubergine68

Well, if you stay with your job when you could be making much more money elsewhere for working fewer hours, and you pour a lot of love into your work and your work meant more to your boss than life itself (as one's children are valued) then maybe you *are* doing your boss a favor by going to work.

I believe that you cannot buy love -- it must be freely given. If you love my children, you are doing me a huge favor.

I am a childcare provider, but I also sometimes hire evening babysitters for my own kids. I am so grateful to them for loving and caring for my babies when I am elsewhere. I pay them, but I also genuinely feel that they are doing me a favor by caring for my kids, not just providing a service.

I don't understand the high emotions here. I was a nanny, have used a nanny, in-home care and a center daycare.

I don't care if I sell my heart and soul to my profession (and I do - I work in an ICU as a nurse) but quite frankly it's still a quid pro quo arrangement.

Do my DCP's love my children? Some have - one is like a sister, I stood in her wedding.

They still did not do me a favor by caring for my children. If I am paying someone, that's an exchange of goods and services.

Perhaps that's too cold for some, and of course we're going to have varying opinions! But I really take offense to the 'You could not survive without me, I am saving your life and doing you a HUGE favor by watching your kids'.

Sorry, simply untrue. I could turn it around - without 'us' (the WOHM) 'you' (typically the SAHM) could either a) not stay at home b) provide certain necessities for your family, etc. etc.

I long ago swore to stay out of the flame wars, but I will not stand back and be told that my DCP is doing me a favor when quite frankly I could respond that in some ways I am doing her a favor by allowing her to watch my kids.

[Aubergine68]

Originally Posted by nursemummy

I

Sorry, simply untrue. I could turn it around - without 'us' (the WOHM) 'you' (typically the SAHM) could either a) not stay at home b) provide certain necessities for your family, etc. etc.

I long ago swore to stay out of the flame wars, but I will not stand back and be told that my DCP is doing me a favor when quite frankly I could respond that in some ways I am doing her a favor by allowing her to watch my kids.

No flames. Just living in a world where love is more important than money.

You are totally doing your dcp a favor by trusting her with your children. At least, that is how I feel about the parents who trust me with their children.

[Ceinwen]

Originally Posted by Aubergine68

No flames. Just living in a world where love is more important than money.

You are totally doing your dcp a favor by trusting her with your children. At least, that is how I feel about the parents who trust me with their children.

I ~definitely~ agree love is much more important than money, we're so on the same page there.

[plunky]

I'm a working parent and my daughter will be in daycare soon. I found this thread very informative, and don't agree with the complainers about it.

[Aubergine68]

Originally Posted by nursemummy

I ~definitely~ agree love is much more important than money, we're so on the same page there.

Thank you