4 year old policeman

[El Casey S]

OK, I decided to make a second thread to ask about another issue, which taken together with the last one make reflect a bit about our lives. My ds gets really angry when he sees in tv (we have it only for videos - it has helped a great deal with ds German language skills) or in real live when someone does something "wrong" - and it doesn't even have to be really wrong - it could just be a bit playful - but with not so perfect consequences, like curious George . . . but ds get soo angry and loud, "THAT WAS NAUGHTY - BAD SO & SO!" He shows no mercy. I think he is just reflecting what he experiences in Day care and his father, and, yes, ashamed to say, perhaps me as well, lately. But on my own behalf I didn't do it before, but latey am feeling so at a loss that I'm trying everything. My dh gets upset if ds spills his drinks too often, or puts not freshly cleaned hands near his mouth, etc. . . .
Is it normal that other kids regularly tattel and or get angry and try to control the behavior of others?

[saige]

It sounds to me like he is modeling what he is hearing.He sounds like he has alot of anger and aggression about it.I dont know anything about you or your family,so it's hard to go on just what you've said,but does he see violence or alot of anger in your house?

[El Casey S]

It's hard to tell which came first . . . the frustrated parent or the frustrating behavior . . . Things have been difficult for us since Sept. 12th - the day he officially started "Day Care". We were scheduled to bring him in the day after 911, and we were feeling weaker than ever, for understandable reasons, and also that we are living overseas we felt alone. And then I was to "let go" of my child to others, and trying to act like everything was going to be fine, and experiencing alot of paranoia from my husband (every arabic looking person in the area we a threat to our lives - we are pretty prominant Amis here) . . . and and and
I witness a lot of rough behavior at the daycare and then ds comes home and acts out and/or shares what he experienced there, and we explain we don't like it, but he keeps it up, because it is exciting, and I think he wants to get back at us for putting him away in the first place . . . but my husband insists that we have this half day free of ds so we can get more done, and I guess it is a help, but I've not been happy since we had to take ds to daycare. He really seems to thrive on the kids and the place, SEEMS really happy, but says he doesn't like, won't share with me what goes on there, and when I am there I just see the kids telling ds to go away and hitting him. I had some talks with the "teacher" and she gave what I concider a bunch of crap (DS came too late in his life to daycare all the others have made there friends, etc. Sorry to cut this off - but gotta go door . .

[saige]

The daycare sounds like a very toxic place.You need to get him out of there.There are alot of alternatives.Can you stay home with him,or get a nanny,or find a new daycare?

[joesmom]

i agree with saige, definitely make new arrangements for your little boy. if you see kids hitting your son, etc. while you are at his daycare, what might go on when you are not there?!

it sounds like the teachers need to work on helping ALL the children to get along, instead of favoring the "old-timers!"

good luck & give you son a big hug for me!

love, jenny

[El Casey S]

I've been working on what has been said here, and talking with my hubby, and thinking and feeling, and talked today with a wonderful woman/friend/ mother of 4 & Grandmother of 6 or so and feel like I've got a better view now. Now I wish I had put my two threads on one, but such is life.

The Child daycare issue is not so easy, and this will have to be worked on a bit, you see, for where I live - the place ds is going is the best. I spent a lot of time checking them out. As well, it is the catholic daycare, and I was the chairperson of the ecumenical council at the time I stared ds, and am now a representative to the next level up .. . POLITICS!

We have an appt. Tuesday to talk with David's Teacher (I'm afraid I don't know what they are called in English, I've only used the German word lately and have forgotten the english word - if I ever knew it - senility is a terribile thing).

Anyway, things have been highly stressful for us for a long time - and we are making plans to leave here sooner than planned. I've downscheduled, but the burn out was so deep by the time I finally got a chance to catch my breath, that I'm still suffering although I'm not that busy. During stress, it is "easier" to just insist that the child obey rather than offer a positive option, or redirect, or explain - and I think ds has learned that he is good when he makes no mistakes - spills nothing, does nothing naughty, etc. . . and my husband and I both have been guilty of this. My poor dear son. So, he acts out. We really do know better, and try not to do these things, but . .. oh well, there is no good "but".

I am also confused by the childcare stuff. I feel as though ever since I've sent him there, I've been trying to prepare David so he'll fit in better - so I've been parenting him for the daycare program, and having to jerk around my priorities. It seems like I am letting them dictate my relationship. For example, at home, if and when he falls asleep for a nap, it is usually around 3pm. I've tried earlier and he lays there, wide awake (usually singing to himself). There, they eat lunch at 11:30, and nap is 12:00. David is not tired - doesn't sleep - and I get stern looks, "Frau . . . your son did not sleep again today!" I freak out! Oh dear, I want ds to be "good" I want ds to be loved - he is such a joy - he is so funny and full of life (unlike the other good little children here who all look half brain dead already because their individuality has been suffocated from birth) Sorry - that was an uncalled for outburst . . . My point is I am realizing I am trying to get ds to fit into a place - rather than giving him room to develop. HIs pediatrician is a homeopathic trained physician and she is just in love with ds! And he in her - and I in her! She asked how ds is doing in daycare and I said that I'm not really sure, but I guess they don't really like children who have their own ideas, which is exactly why we both love David so - my wonderful Beloved is unique charming, and funny.

But lately he hasn't been, because it has been too much for him lately. Also - it ain't easy for ds, being a PK. And that is why I came here. I guess I needed an anonymous place where I could get some perspective. Trying to explain it all to you forces me to do some "journaling" and is even better - because I get some guidance as well.

I have also been afraid that the effects of our poor parenting phase will be permanent - but today, alone, we started to return to normal in our parenting, and my Beloved has been showing signs of healing. We have a bit to go, but I believe it is possible to reverse some negative trends. Oh how terrifying to think we've caused a permanent damage. My second greatest fear (after ds dying) is that I would be responsible for some blockage in his healthy growth process. well, I've rambled enough time to respond to the other link.

[Irishmommy]

I'm not surprised your son is acting out, that daycare sounds awful. You do sound, though, like you know what the root causes are, and that's half the battle. ((((hugs))))

[sarenka]

well, revmami, it continues - I'm also in love with my homeopathic doctor - she isn't part of the sort of culture that produces " the other good little children here who all look half brain dead already because their individuality has been suffocated from birth" basically!

More uncalled for outbursts please I need them....

What i relate to the most in that long heart rending post is burn out from trying to adapt to another culture. I don't know what it's like in the US but to me trying to force kids to lie down and sleep in school at a pre determined hour is crazy and not too healthy. Luckily we live right out in the countryside and the local playgroup is tiny and only "half time" so we don't get the force-feeding/ force-sleeping issues. I visited some full time playgroups here and didn't want to put my dd into that kind of regime....but it sounds as if your choices are limited, and if you have been really stressed lately you do need some time for yourself. At the moment it seems like you can't even enjoy that time as you feel so anxious about what's going on at daycare. Could you work something out like having some of his friends over for a day and then him going to them? Or are all his friends in the daycare place
too?
I think its really worth going all out to find another solution - but keep us posted, maybe the change in home atmosphere will make the childcare less of a problem for you all. (although that teacher is too much )
oh, and please don't think you've damaged him for life!

[El Casey S]

Sarenka,
Because we are on the border and have a Uni here which focuses on the German/Polish relationship, we have a lot of Polish students - some with family. I have noticed in the playground that the eastern european mothers (like from Poland & Russian) seem much more AP than the majority of the Frankfurt (Oder) mothers. I didn't say "German mothers" because I believe Ff(O) is an exception to Germany. The Polish Mothers on the playground are actually playing with their children, smiling laughing, relating. The Ff(O) mothers sit with other mothers smoking and every once in a while holler out an order. I get the impression - and have also been told - that the slavic culture actually has emotionally more in common with the American emotional reactions. We can get all mushy and touchy feely, and then really angry - but then quick to forgive - and I get the empression that is less so with the German culture, who really have (in general) a much better control of theri emotions - which personally, I think is a real shame. It is, though, I think, still a problem in former "East Block" "Communist/Socialist" countries adjusting to the new freedoms - where before the philosophy was - everyone is to be equal. Actually Poland was way ahead of other east block countries with Parastroika (Spelled wrong, I know - sorry!) and had GDR scared out of its wits for a while - so maybe ya'll are a bit farther ahead in the individuality part. Sorry about that long train of thought - maybe I've been in Germany too long - they write 3 pages before they finally get to the point. What was the point?
: : :
Oh yea - the cultural thing. Anyway, we thalked with the teacher type person today. I don't know . . . It's the Dr. Phil syndrom - "sooner or later one would have to let go," and I need to learn to let go of DS and DS needs to learn that when 15 kids are sitting in a circle waiting, he can't be jumping up and down, etc. . . . all is right and all is wrong, and maybe I am hanging on too long, but he still seems so young! I am just hanging in here until we move - probably in October or so - and probably to west Berlin - where they have much more experience with multi/culti freedom etc . . . Hopefully - and that really is my hope, like you said, "the change in home atmosphere will make the childcare less of a problem for (us) all" he is only half days there - from 9am - 2pm - -which is longer than I would like, but we work from home and really can't get much done when he is here. I'm rambling too much. I think I'll take a break. Thanks for your response

[sarenka]

well, the Polish character is complex as hell : containing elements of that slavic emotionality and elements of just about everything else. But the one thing about a pole is that s/he is always right. And some shout at total strangers to tell you that you're "killing your child" because she's underdressed, or in a sling, or some other undefined sin. I imagine those who go abroad to study polish/german relations are different from the rural community here!
It's so nice to be able to talk about this stuff although we're way "off topic" probably...... "Frau!"