Bipolar adult child support & perspective please... - Page 2

[MoonWillow]

I'm so sorry for what you have been through.
I have a step sister whose behavior reminds me somewhat of your daughters (although I am not sure if she has a diagnosis). My sister has two children and my step mother has been at wits end about them all for years. She's been cut out of the family numerous times but what it always comes down to is the fact that my step mom wants to, has to be there for her grandchildren. She is sadly the only stability in their lives. So she endures the nonsense that comes with it. It will never be an ideal situation. The state is aware of my sister as well but surprisingly there has just never been grounds for removal.

[NaturalMindedMomma]

I have bi-polar. I sound ALOT like your daughter (if I am unmedicated). It took having a baby and wanting to kill myself and her. It took scaring the CRAP out of her by walking in a room. It takes a trigger to wake up. Some people NEVER have them, unfortunatly. I am so happy to have had my daughter. She saved my life and in return I want to give her my all. I can do that on my meds. I am off of them right now because I am pregnant and having known what even feels like, I can with the help of my fiance control myself to some extent. Jose picks up where I need to leave off sometimes, but I can make it through this pregnancy. Anyway. I am so so so sorry for what you are going through. Unfortunatly, if CPS isn't really doing anything, you need to let go or stay around for your grandchild. Those are the choices. Hard as they may be...

Hugs and prayers.

[marimara]

s s s
I don't have that much to add except that I am the daughter of a bipolar mother. My sister is bipolar as well. My life, growing up, was similar to the experiences of your grandchild. You won't be able to make her get help. You can only say that you are here for help and you will take the grandchild if she'll let you but other than that you have to take care of yourself and the rest of your family. I've watched my grandmother take care of her TWO adult Bipolar children (my mom and my uncle). He is still living with her and she's 74. She is STILL taking care of him. My mother is dead, of her own hand 2 years ago. You have to set boundaries for yourself or it will consume you. Take care of your other babies too, they need you just as much. s :

[salt_phoenix]

Thanks for the advice, thoughts and s

I'm sad that there are rarely ever "happy endings" when it comes to bipolar. Every time I hear that yet another person with bipolar has ended their life (and I am truly sorry for your loss tumblingstar) I become very scared. Not only for the life of DD#1 and dgs, but for my own as well. I so worry that "that will be me someday" It scares me. A lot. I actually cry that I could very well leave my children before it's time. 1 out of 5, from what I've read.
I am very afraid that no one will be paying attention if/when that time comes, and I really will die. I don't want to die too soon.

Still no word from DD#1. She's completely out of touch with any family member. Complete avoidance. My own mother (who never understood any of this mental illness stuff) is somewhat angry with ME because, as she puts it: "Why is she avoiding ME? I haven't done anything to her!" : My crime is wanting her and dgs to be SAFE.

[marimara]

I hope you get in touch with her soon. I know the feeling, hanging by the phone, waiting for any word. Sometimes you just want to know they are alive. There are lots of bipolar people who are safe and healthy as long as they stay on medication. My mother was brilliant and funny and involved in the world when she was on meds. My sister is fully functional and happy on meds. But as soon as they go off, all hell breaks loose. That's the hardest part of bipolar is getting someone to stay on their meds. I know meds suck, I have migraines and have to take crappy meds that have crappy side effects. Its important to stay involved with your doctor and stay on the meds. Even if they suck. Keep trying different ones. Part of what makes bipolar so scary is that your head (on meds) is telling you, you are okay-you don't need these meds that make you sick. And the edge is so perilously close but it takes alot of experience and courage to be able to look at the edge and not drop off. You have to have people in your life that you trust to tell you when they think you are getting to close to that edge. I don't know, I'm just rambling. I'm sorry I told what happened to my mom, but it's a reality of bipolar and reminder to stay vigilant (of your own mental state). I hope you can find some peace in your life and that your dd and gs get into contact soon! :

[eccomama]

i'm sorry. i have no advice, just lots of good vibes and strenght. i'm bipolar and i worried that one day i 'll have to face what you are facing, when my daughter grows up...
dont give up but dont let it consume you....

s

[pranamama]

thinking of you, hope you have spoken with your daughter recently.

[salt_phoenix]

I have not spoken with her. That is the way she wants it. She has cut off all contact with family, except for one cousin who is 15, and that is VERY limited. We recently had a death in the family, but she apparently was too selfish in her sickness to even find it in her self to attend that. Being bipolar, I actually find it harder to "excuse" her behavior than a lot of people. Bipolar is NO EXCUSE for bad behavior. It merely means you actually DO need help.

CPS has opened and closed as many cases as there have been weeks into this "issue". They knock, no one answers, they leave. They show up at work, she won't tell them where the child is, they leave. They say, "we can't force her to do anything if she doesn't cooperate." My answer? WHY is there a CPS??? It's known the nation over that they meddle where they don't belong and destroy families and they DON'T meddle where they should and babies DIE. Would someone tell me HOW CPS is EVER helpful? Do they REALLY justify their existence? My experience is NO. They do not. :

I'm afraid this will not end well. If she survives this stage of her life at all, I'm afraid she will have burned too many bridges to even have a decent/easier recovery. She's been given SO MANY opportunities to "get help" both physical AND emotional and has snapped off each and every hand that has offered. I know I don't want my younger girls around her anymore (any more than I would want them hanging out with ANY thug or criminal or violent person)
And although I would help her because she's my child... that help may only take the form of "I'll drive you to the battered woman's shelter, you can't stay here." or "I'll take dgs, but I don't trust you enough to let you in my house".

This drama has happened enough times, and involved enough money stolen and enough violence and enough heart ache, that I really don't trust her in my house. I am so angry and resentful about her that it's even hard for me to be sympathetic to her situation at all.

It's absolutely 100% true: You cannot help a person that doesn't want help. NO MATTER the reason.

[salt_phoenix]

The latest update is that CPS has been beating down her door, a huge violent episode occurred Friday with her bf, she was served a nuisance eviction (it's hanging on her broken door) and she left her 2 bdrm apartment completely full of furniture and all her & dgs belongings. The only thing she took was her and dgs clothes.
She called my mother supposedly from Texas (we are in Utah) and said she was "escaping" the situation and was traveling to yet another state. She told my mother it was "the only way" she could get away from her abuser. :
DH just spent the last several hours at her apartment, removing all the furniture we let her borrow, our giant fish tank AND the fish that she left in it. : She just got in the car and "left" everything for someone else to tend to.
I really don't know what to think. I haven't heard from her personally and I honestly don't know if anyone is safe.
I'm angry, sort of relieved (if she really DID leave the abuser-I have no proof of this) and still worried sick. Who gets in the car and just drives away?

She still isn't talking to me... all she had to say to my mom was, "tell mom if she wants any of her stuff back, to go get it...the door is broken in and i've abandoned everything"
nice. :

[kwoodchuck]

Wow, this is really overwhelming. But, this thread did catch my eye since my own mother has finally been diagnosed bipolar. She struggled with substance abuse my whole childhood and is currently sober but in a bad depression. I am 33 and my DD#1 just turned 1 yesterday. I am currently in NAMI's Family to Family class and it is very helpful. [NAMI = National Alliance for Mental Illness]. There are also support groups through NAMI. I don't claim to know much still, but YES there is a process to commit someone, and it sounds like someone may need to do this. I'm pretty sure it involves calling the cops and claiming "danger to others and self." And telling them to get her to the mental hospital. Then there's a hearing after 3 days.

Speaking from the child of a bipolar perspective, yes, I really hope that someone can take her child in. I feel so very badly for him!

Well, that's all I've got, my two cents. Hugs to you...

[momconcerned]

Thank you for your post - having recently figured out, with the help of two therapists, that my beautiful, brilliant, amazing 40-year-old daughter is likely bipolar - a condition she absolutely refuses to consider - things have begun to fall into place for me regarding her rollercoaster life and the resulting chaos in the family. She and her teenage children are living with me, and I'm getting quite a dose of outrageous allegations about my horrible mothering her whole life. Of course, that makes me agonize over the possibility that she might be right and I just don't remember, and I worry that I must be so crafty that I fooled everyone who has known us into thinking I was a good mother.

I'm back and forth on this, according to her moods, which range from being charming, energetic, and full of complex optimistic plans; to shrieking, physically threatening rage and paranoid inferences; to weeping sadness; to dullness. (Luckily, she takes care of her health, and as far as I know doesn't use drugs or abuse alcohol.) I'm gradually emerging from the swamp and able to begin distancing myself - trying to love her beyond the illness, trying not to take it personally.

BUT: She has isolated her children from anyone who might see her in a realistic way. It's as though they've been brainwashed; their job is to see her as the perfect mom and support her against all those untrustworthy people who don't understand their beleaguered mother. The growing crowd of untrustworthy people includes their father, cousins, aunts, uncles, 4H friends, and me - the grandmother who filled in as loving mother for most of their lives. It breaks my heart, but I can't talk to them at all, because my daughter lives in secrecy and they uphold her world, and would "tattle" to her; and in any case I don't want to diminish or undermine her in their eyes. It also breaks my heart that they're using her as a model for life: In her mind, it's not necessary to commit fully to a job or talent or hobby or school or chores; it's not necessary to be careful of relationships or money; the grass is always greener; being spontaneous is more important than everything; it's okay to be preoccupied with one's self every waking moment, and it's okay if satisfying one's immediate wants and needs comes at the expense of others; it's okay for unusually gifted people like her to drive recklessly and take other chances, because they can anticipate problems. Needless to say, she has had many close calls, has rarely supported herself, owes me an ever-filling pot of money, owes the govt. for the maximum in school loans, and thinks her maligned ex-husband should support her (he supports the girls).

  So I have a lot of anger to work through, and your post has helped me move forward a few steps. I actually kept centered, calm and somewhat peaceful today after reading your post, and after enduring another of her tirades!