I am NOT a referee!!!!! (Pls help me manage sibling interactions)

[Shanana]

Okay, I know I'm only the 30 billionth person to have this problem, but it is making me crazy. Two kids -- dd1 is 3.5 yo, dd2 is almost 9 months. DD2 is very adventurous and curious (has been crawling since 5 mo ) and is not surprisingly wanting to do everything big sis does and getting into all her stuff. DD1, not surprisingly, flips her lid. Constantly. She yells and screams to get dd2 out of her stuff, she doesn't want her around, doesn't want to see her, etc., etc., etc.

DD1's favorite activity right now is meticulously arranging dolls, stuffed animals, etc. She dresses them and wraps them up and lays them out on blankets, sets food and all sorts of other things out. It's all very carefully done, and not something in which dd2 can participate in any way (except to pull everything apart, to the screams of dd1).

I don't know how to figure this out. They both deserve to be down and playing. It's not fair to dd2 to wear her all the time (the best way I have to keep her out of stuff). It's not fair to dd1 to banish her to her room to play (she is still too little to want to do that or be happy doing it). It is not fair to dd1 to make her move all her stuff onto the kitchen table. She doesn't like being at the table, she prefers crouching on the ground and playing that way (and it's my understanding this is developmentally appropriate).

My house is laid out such that separation is not easy. It is an open floor plan. The only room (besides bedrooms) that is gate-able is the computer room. This is also the playroom where most of the toys are, and is the only carpeted room in the house. We spend a lot of time in this room, and it isn't feasible for me to gate one or the other of the kids out. We do have toys in a different area, but I can't leave dd2 unattended for long, and dd1 inevitably comes to be with us (wherever we are). While I was typing this, dd2 wandered into that area and started playing with something, and dd1 went and got into her hair!!!! AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!! I pointed out that dd2 was finally leaving her alone so why doesn't she just enjoy it and play with her toys and now dd1 is sitting on the floor wailing that she wants to be in both of those spots at the same time .

DD2 is way too little for them to be playing together in any way. The only thing she wants to do right now is pull things apart, etc. I try to set dd2 up with stuff to entertain her, but she is mostly interested in what dd1 is doing.

Is there something I'm missing? Or is this just another grin and bear it thing?

[J.J.]

Right there with you, only I have 3. And the third is desprately trying to be in the middle of it all...Some things that help us are...

If you want someone elses toy, you have to trade. And the older guys they have to be ok with the trade.

Big kid play areas--usually a different room, or at a table. Not all the time but sometime they need to do things--puzzles, cars, art etc small part things that are fun for them but not for babies.

Defined times when we all play something (usually ball, blocks, or music) together. Everyone enjoys time together and then is happier when playing alone.

Notice when there is a positive exchage and compliment them. If they are playing nice sharing encourage them, usually they'll keep playing together longer. Also just notice what they're doing in general--especially with the older ones, while they like playing alone they also like your affirmation of what they're doing. DS1 loves to race cars, and will continue alone longer if I pop in asking who's winning or if they're making jumps etc.

We've also started talking alot about respecting other peoples space, toys, ideas, etc...ask them how they feel when xx knocks the tower down, so don't do it to them, and listen to eachothers ideas etc.

It's an on going dynamic process, and fun to watch their interactions grow. Try not to be frustrated, I find when I'm frustrated they act even worse. I hope someone else has some more ideas. Best wishes.

[Doussou]

I just came here to explore this exact issue, so I'm hoping for more great advice for us. For us, DD is 3 and DS is 18 mo. I am really struggling with whether it's "fair" to ask DD to build her houses at the table. And DS climbs on the chairs now and can reach her stuff, anyway!

[SquishyBuggles]

I'm having the exact same problems with my 2 & 4 year old dds...I'll be subbing to this thread!

[ChocolateNummies]

They do love to aggravate each other don't they?

When this would happen around here, I usually explained to dd that she makes her toys look so fun that her little brother wanted to play with them too. That as hard as it is, I can't really change that. It's how 'babies' are. I'd go on to say she then had a few options.

She could ask for help calmly and, if possible, I would try to redirect ds to some other activity. I promised to respond one way or the other as quickly as possible. If I couldn't help at the time, she could let her brother play with her even if it means tearing it all apart, she could move to another room, she could set up some toys specifically for him to knock down, she could do something else and try again later.

It took a little practice for her to remember how to handle things and I'm not saying that got rid of all the squabbling but it helped a lot. Dd wasn't averse to playing alone though, so I'm sure that helped our situation.

[Jenelle]

Unfortunately, yes, you ARE a referee now... Add it to your resume. I tried fighting it for awhile too, I tried the whole denial thing... One day I just resigned myself to the fact that, I am now a referee.

I haven't read anyone else's suggestions... Just wanted to say that it is a process. You are still very much in an adjustment period, which will continue to be frustrating for all until dd2 is older. Within a year, you will notice them being able to actually play together, which is a beautiful thing. So nice when the baby becomes a playmate instead of just an annoyance.

Your referee duties will continue, however, to infinity, and beyond. My poor mother I'm sure feels like a referee sometimes between me and my sister, and we are both in our 30s. :

Honestly, as unfair as it may seem at first, my older kids had to learn that if you don't want the baby to get into something, you keep it up. Whether that means kitchen table, or alone in your room... I simply told them that I cannot hold the baby ALL day. Eventually it just became ingrained in their minds, and was no longer met with resistance when it just became a part of daily life.

[Shanana]

Thanks for the suggestions . I like the idea of building something for the littles to knock down. Keep 'em coming though! I need all the ideas I can get!

[reezley]

When ds2 was 9mo it was still possible and useful to have a special area in the room just for ds1. We gated off a corner of the room with a play-yard gate, this one I think it is:

http://www.amazon.com/Friendly-Toys-...246929&sr=1-23

But I got it at a yard sale for very cheap.

I put the fun playing wall facing the outside for ds2 to use, and ds1 had the inside with all his crayons and other stuff that he didn't want disturbed. It really worked until ds2 was old enough to understand what he was missing on the other side!
Might work for you?

[Nolamom]

Honestly, as unfair as it may seem at first, my older kids had to learn that if you don't want the baby to get into something, you keep it up. Whether that means kitchen table, or alone in your room... I simply told them that I cannot hold the baby ALL day. Eventually it just became ingrained in their minds, and was no longer met with resistance when it just became a part of daily life.

I agree with this. As unfortunate as it is, it is just part of the dynamic of having a larger family. Dd was 3 when ds was born, and we went through the same issues. Dd did move up to the table and then when that wasn't enough sometimes to her room. We did put a baby gate up on her room so that she would have some "safe space". This was after ds repeatedly emptied her bookshelves onto the floor. But, as a pp said, it is a process. Dd eventually learned to redirect ds herself (get him something other than her toys to play with), and ds eventually caught on to the idea that he couldn't always barge into his sister's toy set ups and have his way with them.
As far as sibling rivalry goes, we're still working on it, but some advice I read here has really helped. Don't force sharing. The sibling that wants the toy asks, if the answer is no they can have it when the other sibling is done. As a parent you just assist the one waiting with finding something else to do, etc. This advice has minimized arguing over toys tremendously here and is really working well.

ETA: Also, it does get better. Now, at 2 and 5, my kids seek each other out to play together! It's awesome to watch them enjoy each other so much.

[cedoreilly]

In my house, if you don't DS3 to get at it, it better stay in your room or be used in the dining room and put away when you are done right away. There are doors on my DD bedroom and the dining room (where the boys play with their puzzles and marbles). If it is found in the family room and Eamon gets at it, tough luck. If it was where is was suppose to be and Eamon somehow got in there, I will deal with little brother.

[Jenelle]

Originally Posted by reezley

have a special area in the room just for ds1.

Wow, I never thought of gating in the OLDER ones. What a good idea if they go for it!

[pinksprklybarefoot]

Like some of the PPs, our policy is that if you don't want your baby brother to disturb whatever it is that you are doing, the kitchen table is the place to be.

I do still wind up refereeing a lot - if DS has a toy, DSD wants it and vice versa. We try to get them to share, do a lot of reminding that the older one should not just take toys from the younger one (and if she absolutely *must*, she is to give him something else in exchange). Generally, whoever had it first has first dibs, until they are done. Especially with DS, "done" usually happens in a minute or two. There is such an age gap, I really wasn't expecting them to want the same toys so often!

[AAK]

Haven't read all the posts, but what helped us is "brainstorming" with the older child about how they can play "together". Of course, I would provide lots of relief too so the older child could play without being interrupted. But, the idea of being a leader and helping sister learn to play gave me many hours of peace--and the chance to empty the dishwasher or make dinner without wearing a child who liked to grab things. They were able to create games that worked for both of them. I think this also strengthened their relationship. And now, (since everyone is a bit older) they all still play really well together.

Amy

[darcytrue]

My children are a bit older but my 6 yr old can drive her older brother absolutely batty sometimes. She wants to do things he does at this point but not as much. Around the age of 4 she finally got to where she would play on her own for long periods of time and not expect to do everything he did, but she still did it from time to time. The problem I have is the constant arguing. My 6 yr old is more like a 16 yr old, very moody, wants things her way and my older child is very laid back and tends to let her run all over him and then he will blow up at her at some point. So much fun, I tell ya. Most of the time I just separate them or tell them to work it out between them, but it's easier to do that when they are older.