Could your 7 year old do this?

[LynnS6]

Ds (7 1/2) complained to us on Friday at dinner that he didn't want to be partners with his math partner (we'll call him "Kevin") because "Kevin makes fun of me" and because "he never does the work, he's always off playing with "
Aaron"."

Obviously this is NOT OK with us, and we will be talking to his teacher about this.

At this same time, I'm trying to get ds to advocate for himself a bit at school too. Two or three times, I've brought up problems ds has been having to his teachers, and their response was always a shocked "I had no idea.." I can completely believe they had no idea because ds is a quiet kid, who freezes when he's under stress.

So, I asked ds to talk to his teacher first, and then we'll follow up. We practiced a script together several times. "Mrs. J, can I talk to you?" "I don't want to be math partners with Kevin any more because he makes fun of me."

Yesterday, ds "forgot" to do it. We'll see if he remembered today (I'm just about to leave work).

Would you 7 1/2 year old be able to do this? Am I asking too much? I really want him to be able make his teachers aware of problems before they become a huge issue.

[amcal]

My DD will be 7 in a few days and yes, I think she could do it. But, we practice this a lot.

I want he to be prepared for things that are going to happen when we're apart so, when she comes home with situations like this, we role play things she can say.

I've even heard her say things we've role played about one situation in other situations. So, she is getting it. But, it does take time for them to build up the confidence to do it. And, I would think it would be harder to be assertive with a teacher than with a peer.

[jjawm]

My older dss could have done it, but my younger one - probably not. He was just too shy. Would it be helpful if your son wrote out a note to the teacher rather than saying it? Some kids are better at communicating that way.

[maatmama]

My ds is 8 and he won't address his teacher either (I'm a teacher so I understand). I have him write a note and his teacher was very receptive and told him he could even email her with his concerns. This has been very empowering for him.

[ani'smommy]

I don't have a seven year old yet, but I can tell you there is no way I'd have been able to do it at that age.

My four year old on the other hand. . .

[supervee]

Probably not effectively, probably not at all. He would "forget" too.

[sunnmama]

Yes, my 7 yo does it. She will be 8 next week, but she has been speaking up to the teacher about similar issues this year.

She has a more difficult time addressing things with the teacher regarding her work (for example, letting her teacher know that the books she's guided to choose from are WAY below her level and boring for her). The teacher is always shocked with I bring up something like that! So I can relate to having a child that is too shy/anxious to speak for herself, and needing us to communicate her needs to the teacher sometimes.

[straighthaircurly]

My 5yo (in K) has already done this a number of times this year. But he has a very outspoken personality. At first I asked if he wanted help talking with his teacher (ex. talk to her together), but then he would always come home and tell me he talked with her on his own. It amazes me because I never could have done that at his age. It was high school before I felt able to deal directly with my teachers, I was just too shy. Everyone is different and you will just have to read whether he is ready yet or not.

[annethcz]

I've had 7yos who could do this, and others who couldn't. My current 7yo would not do this. She doesn't like confrontation, and she would clam up and give the person the silent treatment instead of dealing with the situation.

It's something we're working on...

[Geofizz]

My DD won't rock the boat, and works hard to blend into the walls. I think that doing this kind of thing is just really hard for some people. Goodness, I avoid conversations like that!

As you did, we've done a lot of scripting and practicing on how and when to address the teacher.

I'm always very careful to support DD in assuring her that the other kid's behavior isn't right (in the worst case it was bullying) and that she can get help from the teacher. "Miss B, I need your help."

A few times when I was pretty sure that DD would "forget" to talk to the teacher, I would send an email to the teacher in the morning saying that DD wanted to talk to her at recess about something that's bothering her.

[LynnS6]

Thanks everyone.

I like the idea of sending a note to his teacher to warn her that ds has something he wants to talk to her about. I will try that. I don't think she reads her e-mail before school starts, so it'll be two days before she'll get to him. Ds and I are planning on writing a note to remind him tomorrow morning, so if he forgets again, maybe his teacher can bring it up on Friday.

Grr.. how I hate this. Ds was reading an Arthur book to me tonight for his reading where one of the kids is taunting/excluding Arthur (because Arthur is the only kid who hasn't lost a tooth yet), and ds said "Francine (in the book) is being just like Kevin is to me."

My sweet, gentle soul has "bully me" tattooed on his forehead, apparently.

[mammastar2]

Does he have a homework agenda that he brings home?

When dd had issues with another child at the beginning of the year, we emailed and discussed with the teacher about it, but when something else came up later in the year, we encouraged her to raise it herself, and put a note in her agenda, letting the teacher know that dd wanted to talk to her about a problem that she was having. That worked well.

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Mine wouldn't have. She's 16 now, and she would still prefer to suck it up, than to confront the teacher.

She's the anti-complainer. (except to me) She's quiet, and a good listener, and a good worker. So, she ends up dealing with more than her share of the crap other kids dish out.

I step in when I need to. I did it a lot more when she was younger. Especially in 6th grade. But, I stay out of most issues now that she's in high school. She needs to learn to be her own advocate before she gets into the work force.

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Originally Posted by mammastar2

Does he have a homework agenda that he brings home?

When dd had issues with another child at the beginning of the year, we emailed and discussed with the teacher about it, but when something else came up later in the year, we encouraged her to raise it herself, and put a note in her agenda, letting the teacher know that dd wanted to talk to her about a problem that she was having. That worked well.

That's a great idea! I never thought about that.

[CarrieMF]

Would you 7 1/2 year old be able to do this? Am I asking too much? I really want him to be able make his teachers aware of problems before they become a huge issue.

absolutely. The kindergarten kids(aged 4-5) will do it at the school.

however not all kids will even if the ones their age or younger will. Some are afraid of "tattling" even if it is for a good reason. Some are shy around their teachers, etc.

all you can do is encourage him to tell a teacher & ask if the teacher would work on it with him too.

[Alyantavid]

My almost 7 year old would definitely. But he's the furthest thing from shy and is very black & white. So in this mind, if he's partners with someone, they should both do it. He's not afraid to say something if anything is unfair.

[Jessy1019]

My six year old could, but she is VERY outgoing and articulate. I think it really depends on the child, and I would have no problem advocating for my elementary age kid if s/he wasn't able to do it alone. By middle and high school, I would have much higher expectations.

[water]

No way would my 7.5 yo be able to do this. He is very very reticent with adults.

[Sailor]

It depends on the kid.

My parents would get calls, every single time there was group work because I would state "I don't want to work with other kids. They're too slow."

I had NO shame, lol. I always hated group/partner work, and from 1st grade onwards, I'd refuse to do it, stating my reasons very loudly. Invariably, my progress reports always said "does not work well with others."

So, it really does depend on the child. I was very outspoken in terms of what I would do and what I wouldn't do.

[lindberg99]

Heck, *I* would have a hard time doing that. I would probably suck it up and then grumble to myself about it.

Can you schedule a quick meeting with you, the teacher, and DS before or after school? It would probably help him a lot to have you there for moral support.