motivating ds (almost 4) to keep pants dry

[NicaG]

I'm so sick of changing ds's wet pants. He dribbles in his underwear several times a day and then tells me afterwards and wants me to change his pants. He actively resists scheduled potty times. If I don't schedule potty times, he generally won't tell me he needs to go until after he's dribbled in his pants. He's been out of diapers since about July (so about 6 months), but he still wears them at night.

We had been giving ds M&Ms every time he told us he needed to go, and his pants were still dry. This got mixed results....then ds wet his pants at school and I asked what happened, and he told me he couldn't go to the bathroom because there were no M&Ms. So I stopped. We were using a star chart for pooping in the potty, and this worked great. Maybe a star chart for peeing would help?


I don't want to start putting him in pullups because I think it sends a mixed message (stay dry, but it's ok to wet). I'm losing my patience. What's going on here? Is this just normal? It seems like he just doesn't care at all. How do I get him to care?

[flowers]

Hugs mama. It can be frustrating when you know they "can", but they aren't.

I would take a deep breath and step back a moment. He will and I think the less you focus on it as a frustration and the more you focus on how great he's doing-the quicker things will work out. He's only been out of diapers for 6 months right? Which means he was used to just going in his pants for a full 3 or so. My son is 4.5 and has been potty learned since 2.5-3 and he still dribbles from time to time and has accidents at night. Last year when we moved and had a new baby he started full out just peeing his pants because "I didn't feel like going to the bathroom."

I found the less I reacted and the more supportive and loving I was the easier it was on all of us. I would just quickly change him and gently say something like: "Okay, let's get you dry. Next time let's remember to go to the bathroom, alright? Pee goes into the toilet. Otherwise it gets our clothes all stinky and then mama has to do extra laundry. Daddy, mommy, (cousin x, y and z) all use the toilet. Babies use diapers b/c they haven't learned yet, not like you. You're doing such a great job learning. You'll get it and soon your pants will be dry all the time."

I had been getting frustrated and said a few things I regretted (but was a good learning experience for me as a parent) so I literally scripted a reaction and when he did it I just followed it every time. It felt so much better to give him a hug and support. The first few times it felt fake but then I was able to be very genuine about my support during his learning experience.

Good luck mama!

[meemee]

hang in there. he will eventually do it. when he is ready. he is of the age where going from wet to dry can happen overnight.

loving support is the key. really.

why does he need to care? apparently thigns are working out for him just fine. he is ok with how things are.

[jillmamma]

One idea...is there a certain character or color he really loves that is on underwear he would like? If so, offer him the chance to start out wearing the "cool" underwear, then if he wets, oh well, now he has to wear "boring" underwear. This helped somewhat with DD...she loves purple and could start out wearing purple underwear, but if she wet, oh well, then she had to wear boring white underwear.

[LaughingHyena]

DD had a few weeks of accidents recently after using the toilet for nearly 2 years. I think she was to involved in what she was doing and left it too late.

We did a star chart where she got a star at the end of the day if she had had no accidents. When the chart was full ((about 12 stars) we took her swimming.

We did a couple of charts before she lost interest again but it worked.

[Cheshire]

I guess I don't like the idea of rewards for learning to potty. It always seems like such a struggle to coax them to learn. I watched my SIL struggle with jelly bellys and matchbox cars for months to get her children to learn. I just didn't want to do that or have that power struggle.

With DS we waited until he was ready. Part of what made him ready (that I hate) was a peer pressure incident. He was at a public playground and another older boy told him only babies wear diapers. DS told us after about what the boy had said and that he wanted to wear underwear. We told him that toddlers wear diapers, too, not just babies but if he felt he was ready then he could give it a shot. He said he was. So, we went to the store, bought him some underwear he liked, also picked up a cake and went home and had a goodbye diapers party. He still needed night diapers (he was 3 at the time).

If he had any accidents he knew where to find his dry clothes and could pick out something else to wear. We'd help him clean up if he got any on the floor or furniture. No punishment, very loving as PP mentioned, and supportive. But, I would not change him (of course, if he was really tired or sick I would help but it would depend on the situation - I wasn't hard about it just very matter-of-fact - "oh, you've pee'd, that happens. Go grab a change of clothes and put your dirty clothes in the clothes hamper - do you need any help cleaning up?").

He wore his night diapers for about 6 more months. When he told us he was ready to wear his underwear to bed at night we told him if he went a whole week with a dry diaper in the morning and used the potty first thing then we'd give the underwear a try. He was so excited when he made it the whole week. We knew he could do it because his diaper was dry when he woke up but he'd always pee in it before he'd get out of bed. We just wanted to make sure he could get to the bathroom. Since then (it's been about a year) he's had one accident at night. He "sleep pee'd" - he was half awake, pulled down the front of his underwear and pee'd all in the bed (and, yes, we bed share ). He thought he was in the bathroom. He was so upset that he wanted to go back to wearing night diapers but we told him accidents happen and we knew he could do it (part of it was we forgot to remind him to go pee right before bed).

If I were in your shoes I'd ask him if he'd like to go back to diapers or if he'd like to keep wearing underwear. If he'd like to go back to diapers I'd let him. If he wants to stay in the underwear I'd set him out a set of clean clothes each morning when he's getting dressed and let him know if he has any accidents he can change himself and then if he needs help cleaning up the floor to let you know. Maybe if he feels he has the responsibility for his accidents he'll be able to pay attention to the urge to go more? Or, maybe he's just not ready yet???

If he wants to go back to diapers but his school won't do diapers then tell him the rules at school are different and be sure he knows where his clean clothes are at school so he can change if he has an accident. Kids understand different rules for school and home so it might work.

Best wishes!

[soccermama]

Originally Posted by jillmamma

One idea...is there a certain character or color he really loves that is on underwear he would like? If so, offer him the chance to start out wearing the "cool" underwear, then if he wets, oh well, now he has to wear "boring" underwear. This helped somewhat with DD...she loves purple and could start out wearing purple underwear, but if she wet, oh well, then she had to wear boring white underwear.

We do something similiar. We buy DS whatever undies he wants to wear - whichever characters those may be and say "we don't want to get Lightening McQueen dirty or wet. That would be yucky" and so he doesn't. I've even caught him saying that to himself before he goes potty. It's the funniest and cutest thing ever.

DS just started in undies about a month ago - full time (during the day, that is) - and is still in a pull up at night. This morning was the first time he woke up dry in a long time, so I do believe it's only a matter of time for my DS and yours before they fully get it - including nighttime.

Hang in there, mama. I've gotten just as frustrated as you before until I spoke with other mamas at my son's DC and they tell me that their LO's are going through the same thing. It makes you feel better and not alone in the situation.

[Llyra]

Can he dress himself? What I did with DD1, who had similar issues, was to leave a box of clean pants and underpants in the bathroom. If she dribbled, she was welcome to change herself, and I provided a pail for the wet stuff. That way, it was entirely and totally up to her if she wet or not, and I could stop being annoyed. I actually was able to be very matter of fact about it-- oh, you wet? Go change. Then then I'd go right back to what I was doing. She wasn't getting any special attention or reward one way or the other whether she wet or not, and therefore decided it was too much trouble to wet. I think all the hustle and bustle and the attention involved was reinforcing the problem.

Before I did that though I would make sure there's no physical reason he's dribbling. A urinary tract infection can cause that.