Teen not following rules.....

[Cisne]

We are hosting an international teen this year. At home, this child has not been made to follow household rules, and in fact, seems to think that rules are for breaking (i.e. no big deal about not going to school/parents buying kid a car when he is too young to drive and letting him drive in town anyway).. We are having issues with him following rules. More than once he has "changed the story" and missed being home on time. We are having bad weather (2 in. of ice plus snow). Child asked to go sledding with friend. We set the guidelines: go to the local spot -about five blocks away. Come right home when u r done. This is after telling him the day before that it was unsafe to be out and that he could not go. End result: child's friend (female) shows up THEN child tells me: oh, we're going to her house (30 minutes away) and I'll be home at nine. I talked to kidlet and said this is not the plan. Told him I was going to let him go because friend said her parents said that they would drive them home (and she had driven 30 min utes to come get him). At almost 10 PM he called from her house (where they had been with NO parents) saying, oh, her mom and dad have been in L (city an hour away). and would not be home for another 30 minutes. He got home after 11 PM and does not see the issue. I am responsible for this kid-and I am tired of his "I don't ahve to follow the rules" thing. What type of punishment is fair in this s ituation?:: (Smile for ds 6).
Thanks,
Michele

[waiting2bemommy]

I was a teenager not long ago, and it sounds to me like you gave in too much. You should have stuck with your original plan. First you said he couldn't go, then you said he could go, but only to a certain place, then you said ok, he could go to her house, and then he came home late. But he was getting the message all along that you were not that serious about what you said, because you kept backing down and giving in.

I might be totally off since i only have a 1 year old, but i know that as a teen that is how it would have seemed to me. I would say from now on, make sure you know all the facts before voicing youdeciion, and then stick with it no mattter what. It might make you seem mean but it is the only way he will know that you are serious.

[Emzachsmama]

For what I think you should do in the future, I agree with the PP. I have a 14 yr old dd and the thing I have found is consistancy is key. And its ok if they are angry with you sometimes. (living that reality this evening having both kids mad at me : ) It has taken me a long time to realize that...I was so concerned with making sure they weren't angry with me that I was letting them get away with a LOT of bad behavior.

As for what to do now...I think an appropriate consequence might be that the next time he wants to go somewhere the answer should be no. Let him know why you are saying no...that the last time you let him go, he didn't follow the rules. Then hopefully if you stay consistant in the future, he'll figure it out.

Good luck!

[kathymuggle]

How old is the exchange student?

As per rules - I try to make few of them, and try to find a way to say "yes". I closely examine whether there is a good reason for saying no or if I am just going along with convention/being arbitrary.

None-the-less...for the rare occasions I do say no, I give my reasons and expect my kids to respect the decision. If they do not agree with me - we discuss it - simply disobeying it is not OK.

So...next time you have a good reason to say no - say it, explain why, and explain the consequences if he does not behave according. Then follow through.

All of the above is for the under 16 set. I would not feel comfortable making rules for a 16 plus year old.....but I really wouldn't be comfortable having a 16plus exchange student in my house if they were disrespectful or engaged in unsafe behaviour. I would probably see if they could be placed elsewhere. After all, this person is a guest in your home.

[CarrieMF]

Are there specific rules that the Exchange Student is supposed to follow per the group organizing it?

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Is there any sort of group coordinator that you can check with regarding what the expectations are about these sorts of situations? Given that this isn't your child, I wouldn't do anything without checking to see what the "approved" options are. Do you have a teen of your own? If so, I think that enforcing house rules for both children would be really important and very reasonable. If not, I'm not sure what approach I would take. But I do know I would be angry and feel taken advantage of if a guest in my house were so disrespectful.

[PikkuMyy]

I have to agree with the PPs - you changed the boundary each time he approached it, so there was no reason for him not to try again.

I think that given the family dynamic with the hosting and all, it's very important to stick to what you've originally agreed to. Once he's able to follow the rules, then you can start to make exceptions or change your mind depending on the situation. Otherwise, I don't see this changing very much.