Am I being rude?

[roostery]

My DD has remarkable hair. People comment on it every time we go out. Maybe I've just gotten tired of it after 4 years, but I have a hard time saying "thank you" to the gazillionth stranger on the street who tells her how gorgeous her hair is. And I have trouble asking her to say thank you for personal compliments. At this point I find them rude and invasive.

Am I being over sensitive? Do I need to get over it and train my young child to say thank you every time some random person on the bus gives her a compliment?

What do you think?

[nextcommercial]

Unless everybody gets the memo, or she wears a T-shirt saying "Yes. I know, I have great hair". Then it would be rude not to say "Thank you" to them.

Because they don't know you are tired of it.

You don't have to have a conversation about it, just a simple thank you would be nice.

Enjoy her hair. It's beautiful! I wish I had remarkable hair, I would be thrilled to get those compliments.

[anywaybecause]

How about simply agreeing with them?

"Yes, it is beautiful, isn't it?"
or
"Yes, I think so too!"

Then flash a grin and keep walking.

[Daphneduck]

I do think it's rude to not respond to a compliment, no matter how often you hear it. Why would you find them rude and invasive? They are expressing delight in the beautiful hair that your child is lucky enough to have. When I see a curly headed little kid, it brings a smile to my face. If I mention it to the parent or child, it is out of appreciation for the little flash of happiness it has brought to me.

[savannah smiles]

DD1 has always gotten a lot of compliments on her eyes. At 7 years old, I think she's gotten much more tired of them than I ever will be and will sometimes respond with a weary, "I know" when someone tells her that her eyes are pretty. I understand that the comments can lose their "newness" after awhile but try to keep in mind that they're coming from a good place and a simple smile makes a nice response if you're not up to saying "thank you."

On the plus side, as my dd has gotten older, the eye comments have decreased because she can interact more and, thus, people have different things to comment on.

[anj7]

Originally Posted by anywaybecause

How about simply agreeing with them?

"Yes, it is beautiful, isn't it?"
or
"Yes, I think so too!"

Then flash a grin and keep walking.

That's what I do. Or say thank you. We get comments everytime we go somewhere, I find it harder when people engage and ask where it (her hair) comes from (kinda of a side insult to me, no?)/

[kimiij]

Yeah, I don't get the invasive part. Haven't you never complimented someone? Are you being rude and invasive when you do so? I think it is rude to get a compliment and not say thank you. After a few discussions about being polite and saying thank you, it shouldn't be something you have to ask her to do often, it will come naturally to her.

[hipumpkins]

Originally Posted by anj7

That's what I do. Or say thank you. We get comments everytime we go somewhere, I find it harder when people engage and ask where it (her hair) comes from (kinda of a side insult to me, no?)/

My DS has gorgeous copper colored hair. He gets complimented all the time and then, "where does he git it from?

I always say, "It grows right out of the top of his head!"

So yes I think you should say thank you or I love it too. I do think ignoring is rude.

[Yo Becca]

I think the part i would find annoying as a parent is people commenting on her appearance - b/c I don't want my child to focus on her appearance or think it is "who" she is. I'd rather her be complimented on things she can control than accidents of luck - so that any pride or sense of self those comments contribute to is based on more than physical appearance. So, I guess I get where the OP is coming from on that front.

But, i think it would be rude to not respond. i wouldn't ask your DD to say "thank you" b/c that seems artificial and forced. But I would say, "Yep, I love it too," and move on. I might mention it to my DD (same age as yours) - like, "did you hear that lady say she liked you hair? that was kind." - just to help her see that the comments are meant with a good heart and to perhaps build a sense of gratitude.

[MommaFox]

DS1 has beautiful, thick, rich red hair. In every photograph, it looks like his hair was hand-colored. People pay big money to have hair the color his is naturally. It's thick and shiny and quite simply gorgeous. People let him know. One woman asked if she could have it for a wig! I've got dark brown hair, and DH has dark brown hair. DS1 is my child from my first marriage, but the ex has black hair. Danny,being the child of two half-breeds, simply got a lucky draw from the genetic grab bag (hair and skin from the Irish side and a great angular face from the Native side) If people ask him where he got his hair, he huffs and says "From the dragons!" as though everyone should know it already. When he was very young he told me the dragons blew fire on his hair and turned it red.
I feel your pain. It is very tiring to have to hear how goegeous his hair is. Every. Single. Day. I get tired of it, he gets tired of it, DH gets tired of it. It's tiring. Once, he even responded to a hair compliment with "I know." Just smile and say thanks, and ask that your dd does the same but dont' force the issue or anything

[CarrieMF]

I know how you feel.

With my oldest she had big eyes, now really here eyes did not seem big to me but to everyone else I guess they were. It stopped after she was 12-18months.

then I had dd#2 & all was fine(probably because I got pg again when she was 3months & people weren't looking at her anymore,lol) until she turned 1 & her hair went curly. Not a little curly either, but tight ringlet curly. If she got hot it went curlier.

Hats were our best friend. I'd be stopped eveyr 2-3 minutes in a store by different people asking if it was natural(no I strapped a 1yo into a chair & permed it).

Then I had dd#3(when dd#1 was 1). Her hair didn't grow until she was almost 3. It grew at exactly the same rate as her head so it was the same length(in proportion to her head) as when she was born. At 32months no hair. At 36months it was down to her shoulders & even tighter curls than #2. I could have cried.

They're 10, almost 8 & almost 7. I still get comments just about daily. Now they're more broad as they don't like thier hair curly.

My 3 girls & I all have THICK, coarse hair & lots of it, in fact our dr refers to us as the "hairy people".lol Now there is a language barrier there & I know what he's referring to but sometimes I want to smack him.lol

Dd #2 not only has the curls(which with her length are more waves), the thickness, the amount but her hair has VOLUME & it's big poofy hair.

I have a friend who also has slightly wavy hair, alot of it & more volume like we do. She admitted she likes standing next to us because it doesn't make her seem so odd.lol

When my girls got their hair cut a few weeks ago they asked if they could charge extra because they have so much hair.

[veganone]

I'm surprised that it bugs you. I think people are being honest and kind. Then again, I never say "thank you" when someone compliments DD. They aren't complimenting ME - she's her very own person. I get told DD is beautiful on a pretty regular basis. I think mostly people are being nice, but I think she's gorgeous.

I think I almost always say something like, "yes she is" or, "I think so too".

I totally understand that you don't want your DD to think her physical appearance is what matters, but I also think it's really rude to ignore (or worse be outwardly annoyed by) a compliment.

[TwinsTwicePlusTwo]

I have identical twin boys with identical spiral curls. You don't want to know how many comments I get every single time I'm out with them. Of course I get tired of hearing them after a while, but I still say 'thank you' every time (I'm trying to teach Jesse and Davin to say it themselves, but they're shy and just smile). The compliments are heartfelt, and not politely acknowledging them would be very rude, IMO.

[Sagesgirl]

I have three very lovely blonde-haired & blue-eyed daughters. I got used to the compliments when the oldest was a baby. I don't think a single day goes by that someone doesn't remark upon their eyes and ask where they came from (which is a wonderful question, actually, as mine are brown & their father's green), or ask how I--a brunette--wound up with three blonde daughters. Compliments are responded to with a simple "Thank you," and questions answered briefly and honestly. It's basic manners, IMO. It's quite rude to ignore strangers so long as they're merely being friendly. (Which, frankly, 99% of the people are. They're remarking on your child's hair as opposed to remarking on the weather.)

Where I live there is a very large Mexican population, and so not only do my children get remarked upon because of their looks (most assume I'm Mexican myself, though I am not), they are quite frequently touched or petted, because blonde children are considered good luck. That probably crosses the line for a lot of the mamas here (judging by the number of "don't touch my child!" threads I've come across over the years), and honestly it's a bit weird even for me, but we accept it because it's a compliment of sorts and just a moment of time in their day & ours. Perhaps you should realize that these compliments are just that--a moment out of time.

[Breeder]

Whenever someone compliments my child on a physical attribute DH and I always say, "I agree! Of course I'm a wee bit biased." and move on.

DS1 gets compliments on his cool haircut, now that he is older, he has a conversation with the people, generally about his brother.

DS2 constantly gets comments about his big blue eyes.... to that I will sometimes say "Thank you" because they are also complimenting me, as that's where he got those baby blues.

I agree that it is rude not to respond when someone speaks to you.

[TinkerBelle]

Originally Posted by roostery

My DD has remarkable hair. People comment on it every time we go out. Maybe I've just gotten tired of it after 4 years, but I have a hard time saying "thank you" to the gazillionth stranger on the street who tells her how gorgeous her hair is. And I have trouble asking her to say thank you for personal compliments. At this point I find them rude and invasive.

Am I being over sensitive? Do I need to get over it and train my young child to say thank you every time some random person on the bus gives her a compliment?

What do you think?

A simple "thank you" shouldn't be so difficult to muster.

Even though I agree that it can get annoying, the gazillionth person doesn't know that he/she is the "gazillionth" person telling you these things that day, I bet. They probably are just in awe of your beautiful child and want to tell you that.

In this day and age when a lot of people only gripe about children, to hear people complimenting them, even if it is about their looks, is something I find to be a good thing.

[roostery]

I can manage an "I think so too" and a smile, but for some reason I have a really difficult time saying thank you for body comments. But I know that some people think that I'm being rude because I'm not saying thank you, even if I do acknowledge the speaker.

I was on the reverse side of this once, before DDs hair really started to grow. I saw a little red head with amazing primrose colored hair and I told his mom that it was gorgeous, she just looked at me and moved on. It may have been rude, but I certainly understood it at the time. She probably heard it a lot, and was tired of people making comments on her child's appearance.

I also get the "where did it come from comments" which are a bit rude, IMO.

[socialworkmamma]

Yes, It would be rude not to acknowledge the compliment. As far as avoiding "lookism", I always add something such as, "Thanks, she's really funny too," or smart, or whatever adjetive comes to mind about DD at the moment.

[ChetMC]

I Don't Feel RIght

I don't feel right saying thank you when people say stuff like "you have such beautiful, smart, well-behaved (or whatever) children." I often say something friendly, but sort of defusing. Like, "we really enjoy them" or "they're a lot of fun" or since they're usually jumping up and down trying to tell the person their life story, my favourite is, "and they're friendly too."

For my entire life I've been mobbed by people complimenting my hair. It can be annoying, but since people aren't actually trying to be annoying, it's really easiest to be gracious, friendly and move on.

[milkybean]

I'm just not understanding how it's annoying.

I've always had pretty darned cool hair, and although I was often too shy to *believe* them, it was never a bad thing to hear a nice thing about it.

And DS has terrific hair, a really interesting color, along with interesting eyes (his hair is red and his eyes match, which is really strange but gorgeous).

I have NO idea how someone asking where hair color or curls/straightness or eye color comes from is an insult to a parent who, I assume, *obviously* doesn't have that same trait? They aren't saying you don't have awesome hair/eyes, they are saying that it's not the same as the child's. NOT an insult.

My hair's niceness is completely different than my son's, and except for in the right light (or if I'm near salty sea air) it doesn't look red, and DS has straight hair (except when it gets a bit long when he gets small curls in random places)...hubby's hair is black with a shock of white in the front (which he gets comments on ALL the time)...it's very obvious that it is NOT obvious where the copper hair comes from! It's not an insult to the parent, it's a pure compliment to the kiddo.


When DS was itty bitty, I would respond with "my son would say thank you but he doesn't talk yet", and nowadays I remind him that he just got a compliment, and he says "thank you" on his own.

I've never gotten tired of it for DS, and for myself, I now believe that I have nice hair, and smile and say "thank you".