help me explain to my almost 4 year old *death mentioned inside*

[Emma's_Mommy]

My grandfather passed away early this morning. He had been in a nursing home since october, and i took the girls up there a few times to see him, but he has passed on now and i'm not really sure how to explain death to my almost 4 year old. I'm a mess myself but i'm worried that if i don't explain to her she will think that she will die the next time she gets sick.

Also should i bring her to the funeral and church service? My mil said she would take her for a few days if i needed her to, i'm just not sure how well she would handle a funeral, and that of course would open up another world of questions i'm just not prepaired to answer.

any advice is greatly appreciated. this is only the 3rd family memeber death i have experienced in my entire life, so i'm at a loss here.

[LaLaLaLa]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. My mother-in-law died a year ago, after a long battle with cancer. My kids were 3 1/2 (DD) and 2 (DS) at the time.

We were kind of stumped at first, too, about what to say, as we are not religious and don't believe in an afterlife. If you do believe there is some sort of heaven, then you can explain to your little one what you believe that is like, and what you think your grandfather is doing. You can say that you believe someday you will be together again, and that death is a way of moving on to a different kind of life.

If you're like us, though, it's more complex to explain. We've simply tried to be completely honest with any questions DD has had for us. She was with us a lot at the hospice house where my MIL died, and saw lots of people crying so she had lots of questions about that. We talked about how it's okay to be sad when someone dies and she shouldn't be scared. We did not bring our kids to the wake or funeral, mostly because we knew we'd be in the receiving line hugging people and accepting condolences and didn't want to also have to worry about what our kids were doing.

I've heard some people say that you shouldn't equate sick with death, but we weren't sure what else we could say to our kids that would be truthful, so our script included the fact that Nana had a very bad disease called cancer. It made her very very sick and her doctors gave her medicine but the medicine wasn't strong enough to fix her. Nana's body ended up broken; all of the parts of it didn't work anymore and she died. We also pointed out that our kids' doctor always makes them feel better when they are sick, and that they don't have cancer in them and that Nana was also very old (okay, so we fudged the truth a bit there).

We then had a lot of conversations about what death meant--that Nana is gone. Gone is hard for little kids to understand. We won't see her again or hear her talk again. Her body can't eat or sleep or move. We have nice memories of her, though, and were lucky to have Nana in our lives as long as we did.

DD is still processing this whole thing, and much of her play even now, almost a year later, involves death. Often she'll tell her brother what they are playing and it will include her stuffed animals being dead, or a snowman being dead, or someone's mom dying. She's also said to me some sweet/shocking things like "Mommy, I'll be so sad when you die." Um, thanks honey. From talking to my friends, though, I've heard this sort of play is not uncommon in kids this age whether they have recently lost someone or not.

Again, I'm so sorry about your loss. Take care of yourself and be as truthful with your daughter as possible, and I hope you will all be okay.

[Eliseatthebeach]

I am so sorry about your grandfather.

I guess it depends heavily on your beliefs.

We have never not considered bringing our children with us to a funeral, ever. Unfortunately we have been to many over the past 9 years or so as a genteration has been leaving us. Death is part of life and no matter how old the child they need to be exposed to that, imo. We just tell them that so and so died and will not be here anymore. Their body goes into the ground and we have memories to remember them and make us happy.

My dc have never been worried about dying when they are sick, I think that's easy to think in your adult mind but kids understand more than we realize.

[gingerstar]

I'm sorry for your loss.
When my dad died, my middle dd was 5, and she struggled with it, even though my dad had cancer and we had been talking about the fact that he was going to die, that he was sick with something we couldn't catch, that some people get better and some people die.... she was just sad, and would say things like "But he was part of our family! Why can't our whole family just die all together, so we don't have to miss each other?"
I know at almost 4, she is not going to understand that death is permanent, and even after talking about it, she may ask about him.
I did take my kids to the wake and funeral, but not up to the open casket. I think it is a family time, and kids are part of that. I think it was also important for my kids to say goodbye and be with family as we remembered him.

It might be helpful if your MIL could come with, in case your DD gets bored or restless and needs to leave the room, walk around, or read quietly to her or something.

A book that hospice gave us was When Dinosaurs Die by Marc Brown, who writes the Arthur series. It is not religious, just talks about the fact that everyone dies. It seemed helpful for talking with my girls.
When I searched that, this list came up - it may have other helpful books, I'm sure you could find some at your library too.

You may also have help from our Grief and Loss forum.

HTH!

[meemee]

yes take her to the funeral and church service. use your judgement about the open casket if you are having any.

one of the greatest gifts my xfil and xstepmil gave my dd was allowing her to be present in the dying process. my dd and i moved in to become fulltime primary caregivers to her gparents.

children are soooo resilient. and wiser beyond us adults in somehow understanding what is truly going on. just like me my dd is happy they passed so they dont have to suffer anymore (they were in hospice) BUT we still miss their presence.

where death is concerned i have always taken the cue from my dd. i recall those first days when i was soooo wiped out worrying about what to say to her. but guess what. they need v. little. we are the ones who make a big deal out of it - coz death is a big deal for us.

the only thing i initiated after my dd asked about death was asking her who she would like to live with if i died. and i spoke to the person in front of my dd to finalise our plans. that gave her huge peace of mind and she never worried about what would happen to her.

our children have to go through understanding death in their own way. as parents all we can do is allow their grief and suffering to pour through and just stand beside them letting them know you are there if they need you.

my dd has gone thru phases of fear, sadness, anger over death (even before watching her gparents) and it blows me away how much they do understand. she got over that sadness or fear.

if you think your dd might associate sickness with death then show how all sickness dont end in death. without really telling her people who get sick dont all die. instead if your friend was sick and is getting better indirectly bring her name up in conversation and show how she is getting better.

[Emma's_Mommy]

thank you everyone for your advice and suport. We hve decided to not bring our oldest dd to the funeral because i don't think i would be able to keep myself composed enough to answer her important questions.