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post #21 of 61
Every child is truly a gift. A blessing.
Even the unplanned ones.

Be good to yourself.
post #22 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by care for you View Post
i am just so scared. sick scared. i've really made myself sick about it - thinking about the morning sickness and the potential problems & just... the stress it might cause my husband to have to nurture me (through my bipolar/anxiety) and also nurture a newborn.

i don't think i've ever been so scared in my entire life. and so unsure of what to do.

one thing that i can't ignore is how amazingly connected i already was to the pregnancy. i can't believe i woke up & just knew i was going to have a positive pregnancy test.

i (thankfully) have an awesome counselor who is going to talk to me weekly about the situation. i just want to make the right decision... i don't want to bring a life into the world that i won't be able to adequately care for.

keep the encouragement coming, though. i'm going to print it out so i can refer back to it over the next few days. i'm so thankful for how kind you all are being.
*hugs* This sounds like it is a really hard time for you. I can only offer you compassion... It sounds like you are taking the right steps in getting counseling to work through it. The miracle of life seems even more miraculous when you say that you already have that connection with the baby even though you didn't know you were pregnant and weren't desiring a pregnancy at this time. I am sure that you have the ability and the resources with your support system to care for this baby. The fact that you are already being so proactive about it is a good indicator that you have your heart and your head in the right place.

But if you decide that you really feel now is not the right time to serve as a mother, please consider adoption... I think you would find more peace in helping to complete another family through adoption. There are so many loving couples wanting children who cannot have them, and as you said you were never pro-choice, I don't believe that ending the pregnancy would come without its own set of emotional effects.

Peace to you..
post #23 of 61
It's great that you already have counselor to hash this out with. You sound really responsible, I mean you are owning your feelings about this pregnancy and you are already taking healthy positive measures to cope. This is an amazing thing.

I could've written your original post... only my babe wasn't a honeymoon baby- he was an engagment baby. I completely freaked out. I have anxiety disorder so I completely freaked out. I was and am pro-choice, so after my fiance said he would support my decision (while unbeknownst to me he hoped I would keep the babe) I gave myself 1 week to decide what to do.

Every evening that week I took a walk alone and thought about the pros and cons of having a child at 21 yrs old. I had came to the conclusion that considering the amount of money, time, emotional stability and stress it just did not make sense to have a child at this time.

It was fall and all of the leaves were brown except one, right under my feet where I had stopped deciding to terminate the pregnancy. There was a brillant orange leaf, uncrumpled, beautiful and perfect, and I thought, this is what our baby would be to me, special, perfect amongst a sea of people.

I told my future husband, "let's have a baby." and never looked back.

That baby is six and a half now and I love him more everyday. It has been a struggle but a worthwhile one.

I remain pro-choice and when the time comes I will tell my little boy that story, I will let him know that while he wasn't planned, he was wanted, he is a chosen child.

I suggest giving yourself time to think alone about it, take time to talk to your counselor, your husband, and MDC.
post #24 of 61
DS (now 4) was a wedding night baby. 5 years later we are still married, happily, and also have DD (just turned 2) and new baby DS (not quite 3 months)

I was SHOCKED to say the least with DS1...but it has turned out to be the best thing that could've happened to us.

don't be scared....or try not to be....it WILL all work out as it should
post #25 of 61
There's not much that I can add to the wisdom that's already been shared here... but I want you to know that you are not alone- clearly.

I am a bi-polar mama too. Keep in mind that your husband married you fully aware of your "condition" and loves you. To me that says he was willing to be by your side through whatever seasons you go through with your emotions etc. Termination is not always the easy solution especially when emotional and mental health are a concern. I have also been through that as well. You seem most concerned about how you will handle things mentally... consider how termination may effect you as for some women it can be even harder to handle.

Everyone is different and what's right for one isn't right for the other... I'm personally pro-choice for others but would never again even consider interupting a pregnancy. It took me over 10 years to heal emotionally. I have since had 2 unplanned pregnancies. Both times I was quite distraught in the beginning but it always began to fade as I realized what a wonderful journey I was about to embark on. Not always a simple one but ... it's just AWESOME being a mother. Each child is such a precious gift no matter the situation we're in when they come.

My abortion was at age 15. My first unplanned pregnancy yielded my now vibrant 12 year old... I was 18 and though very difficult to be a teen mom I loved every second of her. Now she drives me crazy My second unplanned pregnancy ended in full term stillbirth- cause unknown. I regret ever being upset about being pregnant with every fiber of my being because now he's gone

I hope that some of our experiences help you on your journey... I wish you TOTAL peace in whatever you choose It is a tough road but you will make it through one way or another.
post #26 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by care for you View Post
i am just so scared. sick scared. i've really made myself sick about it - thinking about the morning sickness and the potential problems & just... the stress it might cause my husband to have to nurture me (through my bipolar/anxiety) and also nurture a newborn.

i don't think i've ever been so scared in my entire life. and so unsure of what to do.

one thing that i can't ignore is how amazingly connected i already was to the pregnancy. i can't believe i woke up & just knew i was going to have a positive pregnancy test.

i (thankfully) have an awesome counselor who is going to talk to me weekly about the situation. i just want to make the right decision... i don't want to bring a life into the world that i won't be able to adequately care for.

keep the encouragement coming, though. i'm going to print it out so i can refer back to it over the next few days. i'm so thankful for how kind you all are being.
Everything you said above sounds so much like me 8 years ago, except I was single.

Dated dd's Dad for 5 years off and on, after a year long separation, went on one date, and conceived dd. I knew it as I drove away from his house the next morning. I remember thinking to myself if I didn't want this I could drive to the hospital and get the morning after pill. Then convinced myself that I was crazy thinking.

I also have bipolar, and feared what my mind would do with all these hormones swimming around in my pregnant head.

Best advice, keep talking, allow your hubby to support you when you need it, talk every fear out with your therapist. I didn't do this at first and it just caused me to live in the fear. As soon as I let it go, and talked I started to live with what was, and enjoy it.

I never really saw myself as mother material, I knew I wanted to try one day, but didn't believe it would come to me naturally. OH my was I wrong. Not to toot my own horn, but I'm a damn good Mama. Most of my fears were all made in my head. Sure there have been tough times (thought I would pull out all my hair during the toddler years) but all and all being a parent has been the most rewarding and special experience of my life.

My dd has made my life a easier place to live. She simplified my head. She makes it easy for me to see the pleasure in life, instead of my shortcomings.

Listen to your heart. You can do this. We're all here for you.
post #27 of 61
bipolar mom here with now 20 yr. old bipolar dd (and 11 dd & 1 yr dd )
although all my kids were planned, if it's truly worry about the bipolar, I will tell you it's NOT easy. I have seen my oldest suffer with the illness (other two, no signs yet), however I am glad I have offered her a chance at life. She has all the opportunities that I have had to seek wellness, and it can be found with the illness. I don't think a diagnosis is any more of a reason to not procreate than a family history of diabetes. The amazing journey of motherhood, imo, is well worth the "maybes" that just may or may not become.
I had my first at 21, a conscious albeit manic choice, and not the "best" time of my life. I will credit motherhood with helping me focus and find what was best for me/us.
I became more "focused" and "safer" in my choices. Even with bipolar, ppd, single, etc. Hard times yes, but I'd do it over and over again.

and good luck with your choices
post #28 of 61
Been there, done that. I was 22, a student, DH was/is a student...it was the WORST time to get pg, but we did it. He didn't accept it for months, it was such a HUGE shocker. I can honestly say she was the best "accident" (although I hate that term) that ever happened to us.
post #29 of 61
Thread Starter 
wow. this thread has such an overwhelming positive vibe - you all have calmed my fears to such a more manageable level - honestly.

a matter of fact - so much so that i took another pregnancy test today (my expected period day) and got the darkest positive i've gotten so far. it helped me accept it more, though i'm still due for a blood test tomorrow to make sure the hcg is going up.

i also told my dad / stepmom today & they were crying, laughing, and really positive about it. so now both my parents know & my sister & my best friend also know - everyone has been so supportive!

i think what i really, really needed to hear was some people saying that they also freaked out. and that they were scared. and shocked. and not as HAPPY EXCITED WONDERFUL feeling as some might expect. that made me feel a little more normal & a lot less guilty.

it might take me a little while to accept it, but i think i'm okay with that now. i think i'm realizing that everyone reacts differently & it doesn't make me a "bad" potential mom just because i wasn't immediately happy/prepared.

i seriously am SO glad i asked for advice now. i showed this thread to my husband too and he was like, "wow."

post #30 of 61


Sometimes, it's even scary for those of us who do feel emotionally ready. I think it's a totally normal reaction. Once you hear your little one's heartbeat, you really start to connect more with your pregnancy. If you choose to have an ultrasound, seeing him/her on the screen will be like nothing you've ever experienced before. Finally, holding that baby in your arms will blow everything else in life out of the water.

Have you considered contacting a crisis pregnancy center in your area? They can offer tons of support and resources. I volunteer off and on at one in my town, an we offer weekly one-on-one counseling sessions through pregnancy, and even through the first two years. Let me know if you'd like me to help you find some information.
post #31 of 61
My experience wasn't at all like yours, but my second child was very much unplanned, a surprise baby to say the least. I was very over-whelmed and unhappy when I discovered I was preg. the second time. But it wound up being the most wonderful thing to ever happen to me and my son is a daily source of joy and I'm so happy I was blessed with my little surprise!
Best of luck to you and we're all happy to help and listen.
Welcome to MDC!
post #32 of 61
Just BE in this moment. Hold the space for you to be *undecided* and conflicted, unsure. This moment doesn't decide the future. This moment is just now, not the past, not the future. We don't know how tomorrow will unfold. None of us do. That is ok. You are safe.




Pat
post #33 of 61
Babies are sometimes (often?) unexpected... my daughter was a surprise. When I found out I was pregnant I had a one year old and a three year old at home, and things were crazy. Looking back, I don't know why I felt I wouldn't be able to handle things. I think things usually fall into place, even if we're not fully prepared from the beginning. I have a close friend who terminated two pregnancies in her twenties and now can't have kids, and I know the sorrow and regret she lives with daily.
post #34 of 61
I've been there too. Unplanned, scared, the whole deal. I also have a long history of depression and was worried about PPD.
I'm going to shoot you straight here: I decided that I could not abort and would do everything in my power to do things right for this baby. For me, my pregnancy was really difficult under those conditions. I was depressed and anxious and that was a cloud over the whole time. The labor was long and hard and exquisitely painful.
I loved him at first sight, but it took a while to get to know him and I felt ambivalent at times. I had no PPD and in the last 8 months since he was born, I've felt stronger than ever. Going through the crucible of birth and watching a person grow on my milk has given me a new confidence in my woman-body. Every day he makes me smile and marvel at the wonder of life.
Still, it is not easy. It's great that you already have a relationship with a counselor. Here are some things that helped me, take it or leave it :
Go outside for a walk every day- sunshine and exercise are great for depression and for you and your baby
Connect with other moms in the real world- I love my local La Leche League meeting and found attending Birth Circles very helpful
Read positive books on pregnancy and childbirth - Birthing From Within by Pam England, Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin, Journey Into Motherhood by Sheri L. Menelli... whatever meshes with your philosophy
Take time for yourself- get a massage, have the girls over for facials, do something you've wanted to like taking a class or joining the gym
Love the belly- Take pics each week as you grow, I moisturized my belly with almond oil after every shower it was a nice way to connect with baby and nourish mom
Gather support- Friends, family, neighbors, whoever you've got. Don't hesitate to ask for help with housework! While not a solution for everyone, My mom stayed with us for almost 6 months. Dealing with her had it's challenges, but the help and mothering were wonderful.
Positive Visualization- hey, it can't hurt!
Believe in the power within you, you're stronger than you know! Best Wishes
post #35 of 61
Thread Starter 
UPDATE!

i got my 2nd blood test today. and my level of hcg went from 12 to 187! the nurse seemed to be pleased - since i'm only the day after my missed period. this also kinda "solidified" things for me i guess.

i've been re-reading a lot of your advice, praying about it, and just listening to my instinct. though i'm still scared (terrified at times) i think it's time to start accepting what happened & move forward.
post #36 of 61


If there is one thing I've learned about being a mom, it's that you are more powerful and stronger than you think you are.

I'd been trying for over a year to conceive when I got pg with my first, and even I went through a "OMG!" not-so-excited phase - it's a whole new world once you learn you're pg and everything is pretty frightening at first (for some of us) - but you'll grow used to it, as the little one grows. Sometimes I think that's why we have a whole 9 months to prepare!
post #37 of 61
So glad to hear your HCG levels are going up

When my DH and I had been dating about 6 weeks, I found out I was pregnant. It was TERRIFYING. We deeply cared about one another, but have a baby together? It seemed like a lot. Not too long after, I had a miscarriage, and we couldn't believe we ever did not want that baby. As I laid in the hospital, waiting for my results to come back, I knew without a doubt that I wanted a baby. We decided to get married just a few weeks later, and I didn't know it yet, but I was pregnant again! There was only ONE time that the baby could possibly have been conceived between the miscarriage and the pregnancy test, and I felt like it was such a blessing. We never thought we'd be successful again right away, but here we are, halfway through this pregnancy. We are so happy together, and cannot wait to meet our little girl. When I feel her move inside of me, I am just in awe of what I am doing. I am in awe that a little person is growing in me right now. And I am so, so in love with her. I know without a doubt that I made the right choice.
post #38 of 61

This is very long, I apologize.

As someone who comes from a family of mental issues (my mother was abandoned by her mother at 13 months old. social services found her alone in the apartment after almost 4 days of being entirely alone) her mother was committed for paranoid schizophrenia and manic depression (brought on by them taking her child away. she didnt remember abandoning her). My mother turned into a foster child and was floated around for years before being adopted by what some would call kind of a cold home (her mother was a ww2 survivor who literally picked up the body parts of her 16 brothers and sisters off the streets in germany) and even though though she was always extremely bright and extremely gifted *graduated top 10th percentile of her school* her parents would say things like "we love you but we just dont like you"... So my mother developed a SEVERE and EXTREME fear of abandonment, manic depression, binge alcoholism (on both sides of my family, and my husbands) and was very difficult as a child. She is a singer, and performs so easily in front of so many people (shes pretty well known) but is an entirely different person at home.
I was raised being afraid of her, and learning to keep my distance, even though she did the best she could, and I came out fine... I still have those genetic predispositions. I feared so much that my child would be damaged because of me. I thought so many years I was unable to have children, and felt almost comfortable in that knowing I couldn't "ruin someones life before it even started". I am prone to severe anxiety, depression, and had a REALLY traumatic and sexually abusive childhood (baby sitters, family friends, noone in my family) . On top of feeling like I would ruin my baby before it was born through my mental incapacity, I feared bringing a child into the world that could be abused like I was. Fearing Id be too overbearing, or even not there ENOUGH! I went back and forth in my head for years.
One morning I woke up from having a dream about a pregnant woman (I was her, but not really. But I could feel the baby moving in my tummy) 3 days after I conceived. In the dream she developed multiple personality disorder brought on by her pregnancy (hormones), and was unaware of who she was, who the babies father was, and her path until the very end. I woke up thinking that was so weird... how I could feel the baby move... her mental disability and how unable she was to remember her life before she was pregnant... It rang really true for me. I was pregnant. I was worried, even without KNOWING I was pregnant, that my tendency toward mental instability would ruin my pregnancy AND child.
Well, I am happier than I have EVER been in my life. I feel a thousand percent sure this baby is going to the best thing thats ever happened to me , and I look forward to meeting him. And I know that no matter what happens, I will do my absolute best to let him know that I will never treat him unfairly, and if he DOES have some sort of mental issue, I will not abandon him.
I feel more sense of love and stability than I ever have in my life. I have a wonderful husband, we own our home, a great dog, and a wonderful life ahead of me, as you do as well.
In your heart, you already know what is best. All the fear and worry is perfectly normal, and whatever you decide I completely back you.
My thoughts are with you, and I hope you find your path!
xoxoxo
post #39 of 61


In theory I got pregnant at a 'perfect' time; we'd been married for 6 months or so, were OK financially, and were vaguely expecting to have a baby fairly soon. I love babies and always wanted a big family.

I still freaked out. I was happy in theory, but I still felt very overwhelmed and scared and "What have I gotten myself into?"-ish. Took a while to really get my head around it. It helped for me that we didn't tell most people until 12 weeks, so I had a while to process it before dealing with the congratulations; but I know some people find the opposite, that all the congratulations help, so there you go!

Counselling sounds like a great idea. Remember that pregnancy doesn't mean putting your treatment for bipolar on hold (some meds, possibly, but it's not like you have to ignore your mental health for 9 months!).

And while I had some post-partum issues myself, there's no way it wasn't worth it. After all, I got this!
post #40 of 61
AmberLynn


Pat
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