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February dating thread!!

post #1 of 134
Thread Starter 
Happy February!!!



I loved how active the thread got in January, you ladies are busy


I have been following all of your stories, and hope that this month brings the best of everything to each of you

I am still with bf, I am (but I tested early) I have also decided NOT to ttc at this time. My intuition keeps screaming at me, and now I am listening, so it is with much sadness, but I don't feel right ignoring my intuition. I have actually been ignoring it quite a bit in these last few weeks, not smart I know, but sometimes if you get attached to outcomes, it is easy to fall into that trap.

I think I am having cold feet about EVERYTHING because things happened so fast, maybe it is just PMS, I just can't take that chance. I need to explore my feelings about things.

I am going to talk to bf about my newly faced feelings, that is all I can do, be honest, and humble.

Anyway, enough about me How is everyone doing so far?
post #2 of 134
Hey,
I'm a lurker here. I'm a 22 year old single mom to two preschool aged girls. I split up with my xh in 07, and two months ago started seeing a guy. I'm hoping you guys can help since you seem to have good dating advice
Since the very start he has been very intensely into me, constantly saying I'm the most beautiful girl in the world, how we're perfect for each other, which was very nice at first but is getting to be too much now. Last week he grabbed my face and said "I love you, this is fate we're together.. etc." I just blushed and didn't really respond since I don't feel the same way about him. Then he wrote me two long messages saying the same thing, and how he went through a deep depression after his last break up. I told him that I want to slow things down. Last night I went to see his band play and the whole night he had his arms around me, and he was staring at my face the whole time, telling me how he was so worried that I was going to break up with him and how he couldn't sleep because he was so worried about it.
He kept grabbing my face and saying "Look at me, we have a good thing. Don't give up on us, I know you don't want to." It just made me very uncomfortable.
The other things that make me wonder about this relationship is that he's 25 and living in his parents' basement. He doesn't work all winter, so he spends all his time waiting on myspace for me to message him or plays video games. And one time when we were drinking he was pulling my head back by grabbing my hair and then he said "Do you like to be choked?" And grabbed my throat. I told him to stop and he said he wouldn't do it again. But my xh was abusive, so that really freaked me out.
What do you think? In some ways, he is a nice guy, always complimenting me, but there just seems something not quite right about him. I don't have any girl friends to talk to about this, so I don't even know what's normal or not. Thanks for any advice
post #3 of 134
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Artlover86 View Post
Hey,
I'm a lurker here. I'm a 22 year old single mom to two preschool aged girls. I split up with my xh in 07, and two months ago started seeing a guy. I'm hoping you guys can help since you seem to have good dating advice
Since the very start he has been very intensely into me, constantly saying I'm the most beautiful girl in the world, how we're perfect for each other, which was very nice at first but is getting to be too much now. Last week he grabbed my face and said "I love you, this is fate we're together.. etc." I just blushed and didn't really respond since I don't feel the same way about him. Then he wrote me two long messages saying the same thing, and how he went through a deep depression after his last break up. I told him that I want to slow things down. Last night I went to see his band play and the whole night he had his arms around me, and he was staring at my face the whole time, telling me how he was so worried that I was going to break up with him and how he couldn't sleep because he was so worried about it.
He kept grabbing my face and saying "Look at me, we have a good thing. Don't give up on us, I know you don't want to." It just made me very uncomfortable.
The other things that make me wonder about this relationship is that he's 25 and living in his parents' basement. He doesn't work all winter, so he spends all his time waiting on myspace for me to message him or plays video games. And one time when we were drinking he was pulling my head back by grabbing my hair and then he said "Do you like to be choked?" And grabbed my throat. I told him to stop and he said he wouldn't do it again. But my xh was abusive, so that really freaked me out.
What do you think? In some ways, he is a nice guy, always complimenting me, but there just seems something not quite right about him. I don't have any girl friends to talk to about this, so I don't even know what's normal or not. Thanks for any advice
Hey there Welcome !!

I understand what you are saying.I am having a similar situation with bf, but I do return his feelings, but I know exactly what you mean by your post. I have had that exact experience with men in the past.

I want to be adored, but not in an imbalanced way. It sounds like your man might be a little bit of a love addict. I am beginning to think my bf has a touch of that. (by 'love addict' I am referring to Melody Pia's recovery work around facing love addiction. Google it, it is an interesting way to look at certain behaviors)

I think that unless he looks into his neediness, and panicky feelings when he thinks his relationship might be ending (panicky feelings are what an addict faces when someone is taking away their "fix") then things don't have a chance of really working out. That is not what a healthy relationship consists of. I am going out on a limb by telling you that, take it or leave it, it was just what went through my head as I read your post
post #4 of 134
Artlover - way too many red flags, your gut is telling you to cut off this relationship, now, while it's very new and still relatively easy (and you're not head over heels).

From what you've written, this relationship has controlling/abusive warning signs all over it. Esp given your history. Sorry you're in this position, and hope things work out.
post #5 of 134
Artlover, if you don't feel the same way I really think you need to break it off. He seems WAY too attached, I mean.. sometimes that happens but if it's one sided, eeek. Grabbing you so much? Eek, also kind of scary. Just gives me shivers thinking about it.

BelovedK, are you alright? Having second thoughts about the whole relationship... or? Don't need to answer if you don't want to (of course).

Anyway, no updates here. All is well in the world of me and my lovely boy.
post #6 of 134
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by tripleaces View Post

BelovedK, are you alright? Having second thoughts about the whole relationship... or? Don't need to answer if you don't want to (of course).
I had a minor panic attack yesterday when I realized how fast all of this has been. It has felt right, but there also has been a huge piece that I have been effectively ignoring. I am just taking a step back to consider things. So, yes second thoughts. That doesn't mean I am ending it, I just have to be true to myself.

It is interesting that Artlover86 posted what she did, I am trying to put words to what I am thinking/feeling and have been having a difficult time....It is almost like he adores me too much. He treats me better than anyone I have ever dated, hands down though. I don't know whether my second thoughts are about the fact that I might not feel i 'deserve' to be treated so kindly and respectfully. He does not "grope' me or do anything creepy, but....I don't know... Food for thought it is.
post #7 of 134
Quote:
Originally Posted by BelovedK View Post
I am just taking a step back to consider things. So, yes second thoughts. That doesn't mean I am ending it, I just have to be true to myself.
2nd thoughts are a bad thing, especially if you are using them productively, as you are.

Most of the time when I had 2nd thoughts in the beginning of my relationship, it had more to do with me than him.

It is good to step back and give yourself some time to process everything inside you.
post #8 of 134
Quote:
Originally Posted by Artlover86 View Post
Hey,
I'm a lurker here. I'm a 22 year old single mom to two preschool aged girls. I split up with my xh in 07, and two months ago started seeing a guy. I'm hoping you guys can help since you seem to have good dating advice
Since the very start he has been very intensely into me, constantly saying I'm the most beautiful girl in the world, how we're perfect for each other, which was very nice at first but is getting to be too much now. Last week he grabbed my face and said "I love you, this is fate we're together.. etc." I just blushed and didn't really respond since I don't feel the same way about him. Then he wrote me two long messages saying the same thing, and how he went through a deep depression after his last break up. I told him that I want to slow things down. Last night I went to see his band play and the whole night he had his arms around me, and he was staring at my face the whole time, telling me how he was so worried that I was going to break up with him and how he couldn't sleep because he was so worried about it.
He kept grabbing my face and saying "Look at me, we have a good thing. Don't give up on us, I know you don't want to." It just made me very uncomfortable.
The other things that make me wonder about this relationship is that he's 25 and living in his parents' basement. He doesn't work all winter, so he spends all his time waiting on myspace for me to message him or plays video games. And one time when we were drinking he was pulling my head back by grabbing my hair and then he said "Do you like to be choked?" And grabbed my throat. I told him to stop and he said he wouldn't do it again. But my xh was abusive, so that really freaked me out.
What do you think? In some ways, he is a nice guy, always complimenting me, but there just seems something not quite right about him. I don't have any girl friends to talk to about this, so I don't even know what's normal or not. Thanks for any advice
Talk about EXTREME codependency bordering on abuse potential. Yuck, yuck, yuck!

Be very, very careful.
post #9 of 134
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Holland73 View Post
2nd thoughts are a bad thing, especially if you are using them productively, as you are.

Most of the time when I had 2nd thoughts in the beginning of my relationship, it had more to do with me than him.

It is good to step back and give yourself some time to process everything inside you.
Yeah, It' is definitely me, not him. He is great, I might feel stupid for questioning things, but I just have had past experience with ignoring intuition and it is never good
post #10 of 134
February 9 is bf and I's one year anniversary!!! :

My mom is coming down the weekend following 2/9, which happens to also be Valentine's Day weekend, to stay with ds. We are going to spend 3 days/2 nights in SF to celebrate both our anniversary and Valentine's Day. We got an awesome room at the brand-new Intercontinental, we are going to hit some museums (I have lived here for 1.5 years and still have yet to visit any museums in SF ), bf is planning a special Valentine's dinner for Saturday night, and on Sunday, we will spend the rest of the weekend at the beach!

Seriously, I have never loved another man as truly, honestly and healthily (I don't even think that is a word ) in my entire 35 years.

The man challenges me in ways I never would have expected. I have truly learned to enjoy and be very present in every single moment we have had. He has really helped me, unbeknownst to him, to be the person I am striving to become. He is so amazing, I just wish he knew how amazing he is. He's working on it.

I am just so ridiculously and utterly in love with this man, but without my typical co-dependent attachments and expectations. :

At the same time though, if the relationship were to end tomorrow, I would feel so incredibly blessed and thankful to have just had this time and growth with him.

Ok, I am done gushing.
post #11 of 134
Quote:
Originally Posted by BelovedK View Post
I might feel stupid for questioning things, but I just have had past experience with ignoring intuition and it is never good
Don't feel stupid for questioning things. Just because he is a great guy, doesn't mean that you can't question things... kwim? We all have moments of questioning... it is just a matter of what we do with those moments.

It is great to hear that you are learning from your past experiences. You have really, really grown, Kelly! It is strange to say this, as I have never met you... but, I am so proud (and incredibly impressed) of you!
post #12 of 134
Thread Starter 
Holland Thank you

Congrats on your 1st year anniversary That sounds like so much fun, I am glad you will be able to celebrate in a big way. Your mom sounds awesome !!

( didn't mean to say that I felt stupid for questioning I read back and can see why it looks that way, I meant that i MIGHT feel stupid, but I don't because I know it is the healthy thing to do )
post #13 of 134
Hi there, I've posted on the Single Parenting board but never in the dating thread, so hello!

Artlover - this might sound shallow, but the fact that he is 25 and living in his parents' basement is not a good sign (on top of the other red flags). Is he contributing financially to the household there? If this were to get serious, would he be able to suddenly grow up and become a responsible member of your household? I don't mean to be such a downer ...

As for me, I've been dating a great guy for three months now. He is absolutely great with DD (I know it is soon for her to meet him, but there isn't much of a way for us to hang out without her.) and is all around a fabulous person. Plus, he seems to be more into AP than I am even! - his parents coslept until he was three, and when he heard about my stepmother saying how DD is manipulating me at 11 months, he said "is something wrong with her?"
post #14 of 134
Quote:
Originally Posted by Artlover86 View Post
Hey,
I'm a lurker here. I'm a 22 year old single mom to two preschool aged girls. I split up with my xh in 07, and two months ago started seeing a guy. I'm hoping you guys can help since you seem to have good dating advice
Since the very start he has been very intensely into me, constantly saying I'm the most beautiful girl in the world, how we're perfect for each other, which was very nice at first but is getting to be too much now. Last week he grabbed my face and said "I love you, this is fate we're together.. etc." I just blushed and didn't really respond since I don't feel the same way about him. Then he wrote me two long messages saying the same thing, and how he went through a deep depression after his last break up. I told him that I want to slow things down. Last night I went to see his band play and the whole night he had his arms around me, and he was staring at my face the whole time, telling me how he was so worried that I was going to break up with him and how he couldn't sleep because he was so worried about it.
He kept grabbing my face and saying "Look at me, we have a good thing. Don't give up on us, I know you don't want to." It just made me very uncomfortable.
The other things that make me wonder about this relationship is that he's 25 and living in his parents' basement. He doesn't work all winter, so he spends all his time waiting on myspace for me to message him or plays video games. And one time when we were drinking he was pulling my head back by grabbing my hair and then he said "Do you like to be choked?" And grabbed my throat. I told him to stop and he said he wouldn't do it again. But my xh was abusive, so that really freaked me out.
What do you think? In some ways, he is a nice guy, always complimenting me, but there just seems something not quite right about him. I don't have any girl friends to talk to about this, so I don't even know what's normal or not. Thanks for any advice
Just a few thoughts. If he doesn't work in the winter time, how is he contributing to his parents home financially? -If he isn't contributing anything, I think that says something bad about him. And how is he going to help support your family (in the future), if he doesn't work for 6 months? He sounds really immature -to be happy not working all winter (WHAT THE HECK?!) and staying home playing video games -that's not a man! :
The choking comment scared me just reading it....I would definately bring that up with him, is he into violent sex or something??
Acting overly into you would make most of us feel uncomfortable, I don't know if that is a red flag or not though. The last guy I dated was like that too, so I definately know what you're talking about. I kind of thought maybe it's just because that person is really insecure and used to having people dump him? So he's afraid of losing you. I don't really see how that is such a bad thing.

Seie Read your post in the other thread, glad things went will with your "talk" It made me giggle when you said you have already talked about what your first born's name is going to be! That's really sweet though, and good to know if he wants kids since you know you want another some day, and get his views of parenting stuff etc.

Holland73Congrats on your upcoming anniversay! Sounds like you have a wonderful getaway planned!
post #15 of 134
Holland: Congrats on the anniversary Your guy sounds like mine - except we havent known eachother for that long yet. You sound really happy

Artlover: I agree with the others - doesnt sound healthy to me I could never truely respect a guy if he didnt have a life of his own - if it was all about me. Sounds like your guy has some selfesteem issues. I hope you find out what you want to do.

Beloved: I have always pushed away men who were really into me. I believe I somehow always thought - if they are that into ME - then they cant be all that interesting after all - guess the subconsious reasoning has been that a really interesting guy would pick a more interesting girl than me .. Luckily it seems I am realising finally that I AM a very interesting girl I hope you figure it all out Your guy does sound great - and hey - maybe he is just really in love with you And there is really nothing more to it?

Butterflymom: How are you doing? You havent been posting much about yourself recently. Thinking about you

To those who didnt read my last january post then I am really really happy. My guy is the sweetest man I ever met - I really feel this is probably the most serious crush I have ever had - it all feels so right. I am not over my insecurities about him though. There are some things about his history that worries me slightly. One being that he has been taking some very serious blows in the past years - emotionally. I am doubting how serious he dares get - emotionally. It is something we have talked about and he actually didnt imagine getting so emotionally involved again after all he has been through, but he sees me as the "exception". I feel very flattered about that, and he has really done everything to prove that he means business. He has also told me however that he will never marry again. Thats not quite good enough for me in the long run, but until further notice I will give him the benefit of the doubt, as I really believe he will come around on that issue eventually - he is already coming around on other issues. Such as the thing about kids. He had said he didnt think he would dare have kids again as he has lost two children now, (no contact for two years) and is afraid to go through something similar again. However last time we were together we talked about future children so he is coming around slowly on that issue. Also we are in no hurry - none of that stuff is going to happen anytime soon anyway. Im "only" 31 so there is no rush with reproduction right now.. But I guess I am at a point where I need to consider those things to have an idea where we are heading. We do seem to be moving in the exact same direction though - just in different paces..
All in all he is the most amazingly beautiful person I have met - compassionate, intelligent, tender, loving, respectfull to others, forgiving and much much more. And he looks at me with a devotion that noone ever has before I feel very lucky to experience all of this
post #16 of 134
Thread Starter 
Seie, that is wonderful!! I was keeping up with you in the other thread and it really sounds like you have a good thing going
post #17 of 134
Beloved - It is wise to take time and go within to figure this out. I'll send you lots of love.

Artlover - Run!

Holland - You know I am so happy for you!

tripleaces, MariesMama & seie -
post #18 of 134
MCA tellin in like it is... I would vote run, too, Artlover (and..welcome!). The key is also that you aren't feeling intensely for him in return...I dated a 25 year old guy who barely worked and he had so many issues...i couldn't deal with it on top of everything else, and I also didn't feel like he was a good role model for my kids. The choking thing would be a deal breaker for me, but only because i have been choked in anger by a man...some people think it's fun though?

Holland i love that one year...so awesome. And Beloved, that initial ush of things always seems to lead to more introspection, yes? It's so fun to be in the first throng of love, and from that point on, it seems like a process of how to make your beliefs coincide with the real world. Trust your instincts for sure, and i do feel how hard it is to figure out what those instincts are. Keep the faith going, i know you'll figure it out. This introspection thing sucks sometimes but is well worth it IMO

I can relate to this subject too, of being loved/adored yet not wanting to feel it's imbalanced or scary. My bf has brought up to me that past girlfriends have considered him "needy", as he's very emotionally open and can be very intense. I have actually relished having a man who will speak of unspeakable things with me, that gets worried and is open about it; it has taught me to pay more attention to the fine things that we can do to be considerate to each other.

I used to think it was 'controlling' if he wanted me to call when i got home, or wanted to make sure i was okay if we were somewhere together. That was my past issues creeping up after having been with a partner who didn't want me to be 'on my own', kept me isolated and unhappy, didn't have consideration himself...I would say it's so individual, and we can be in tune with others' issues.

We are very far away from each other as well, and trying to come to terms with possibilities of what will happen if we can't be physically together, have a custody hearing on the 11th that will decide that. My bf is needing reassurance that everything will be ok, and all i can do is go back to the faith and belief in love. I truly believe this man has prevailed to be a most kind, productive, and loving force throughout my life (we started dating when i was 19, then i left for college).

Sometimes the "I'm scared you're going to leave" thing is a good indicator that there's discussion needed...although it's not always possible to feel fully confident in a relationship...if the true feeling was there, wouldn't you sense it? Though we're all prone to insecurity sometimes...
post #19 of 134
I wont be seeing my love next weekend. I thought we would but appearently it isn't as importent to him as to me? I CANNOT understand the way he doesnt need to see me all the time. It just boosts any insecurity or doubt however small. Based on my past insecurities and how he keeps shooting them down I am prone to believe we are just different. It just hurts anyway I miss him horribly. Another two weeks without him is almost unbearable. I guess some would consider me needy. And that is despite I DO feel comfortable in my own company, I do feel comfy alone with the kids, I do respect myself and have selfesteem. I just wanna see him bad. I long for him and cannot get my head around why he isnt feeling the same way, if he is as serious as he signals when we are together. And not just with words. Every part of his body tells me he means business. Then howcome he is so patient. ITs driving me nuts
post #20 of 134
Quote:
Originally Posted by Seie View Post
I wont be seeing my love next weekend. I thought we would but appearently it isn't as importent to him as to me? I CANNOT understand the way he doesnt need to see me all the time. It just boosts any insecurity or doubt however small. Based on my past insecurities and how he keeps shooting them down I am prone to believe we are just different. It just hurts anyway I miss him horribly. Another two weeks without him is almost unbearable. I guess some would consider me needy. And that is despite I DO feel comfortable in my own company, I do feel comfy alone with the kids, I do respect myself and have selfesteem. I just wanna see him bad. I long for him and cannot get my head around why he isnt feeling the same way, if he is as serious as he signals when we are together. And not just with words. Every part of his body tells me he means business. Then howcome he is so patient. ITs driving me nuts
Ok, I am going to be very honest... you need your own life. It is great that you feel comfortable in your own company and alone with your kids, but apparently you are needing/wanting something more. You cannot expect this man (or any man for that matter) to fulfill all of your needs, all of the time.

He appears to have a very full, busy life outside your relationship, which is a good thing, but I fear that if you do not find a full, busy life of your own outside of your relationship, it is only going to lead you to more anxiety and frustration.

You need to find something (a hobby, a group of friends, a personal goal, etc.) just for you.

My bf works 7 days a week... 7 long, emotionally draining (he is a psychiatrist working with addicts) days a week. Mon-Fri, I see him 2-3 nights, but typically he comes over between 10-11pm and is practically asleep on his feet. On the weekends, Saturday nights are our night. Again, he doesn't come over until 7-8pm, we have dinner and play with ds and then have about 1-2 hours of alone time. Again, he is still exhausted. We don't get a lot of time together.

I know that he wants to be with me (and ds) more, but the current circumstances do not allow it. It has been like this for almost a year now. Honestly, though, I just enjoy every single amazing minute I do have with him, even if we are just sleeping together or those cuddly, sweet moments at 4:30am where he is getting ready to leave for the day.

What keeps me happy in my relationship is that I also have a busy, fulfilling life of my own. I knit, I am starting to train for a race, my job is very fulfilling and pleasantly time-consuming, I have friends that I spend time with, etc.

If I didn't have my own busy, fulfilling life, I would be feeling exactly how you are feeling now, which for me, would feel very co-dependent and I positively refuse to walk the codependent road again in a relationship.

From what you have written about this man, it doesn't sound as though he doesn't want to spend time with you... he just sounds a lot more balanced in maintaining his own life, career, etc and his relationship. Plus, you two haven't been together for very long... give it some time. Try to enjoy and truly live in every moment that you do have with him.
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