February dating thread!! - Page 3

[BelovedK]

I have been working through things. I got AF today and obviously am not pg, and was very upset Instead of TTC, I am going to just relax, and allow events to unfold as they should.

I have decided to let bf in, I kept closing the door, and opening it again. I am committed to working though this though, and he has been presented to me to work through things with. If there is not meant to be another baby I will accept that, but I would welcome it.

I have been doing more tarot readings for people, and plan to do more of those. I am letting go of one part of my life (career wise) and welcoming in another, I am actually getting paid to do the readings I love to do I am just remaining open to whatever is supposed to happen

Bf has been so accepting and patient with me even when I wasn't very nice to be around. I have been getting some alone time, and am looking forward to our trip

[Seie]

Beloved: Sorry about AF But try not to panic just yet - how many months have you been TTC? Around 4? Not sure I remember it right but you are late thirties/early fourties or? In that case its completely normal that it doesnt happen overnight. That doesnt mean it wont happen - give it time. Easier said than done I know.. Sending fertilityvibes your way - I dont need them now anyway.. (as long as you promise to send em right back in a years time or two where hopefully I will )

[mountain]

Beloved. I am so glad you are so smart, open, introspective. This will see you through.

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by BelovedK

I have decided to let bf in, I kept closing the door, and opening it again. I am committed to working though this though, and he has been presented to me to work through things with. If there is not meant to be another baby I will accept that, but I would welcome it.

about AF.

I love the bolded part of your post. Great way of thinking!

[Holland73]

I am starting to feel like February is going to be one of those months. This is going to be a HUGELY pivotal month in both of our lives.

Besides the upcoming one year anniversary:

1. There is a 98% chance that bf will have to move to San Diego, for at least a year, in June. He hasn't really talked about it, as he is waiting to make sure everything gets signed, sealed and delivered before he even starts to think/plan/etc. This opportunity is a HUGE deal for him. I cannot even tell you how happy I am going to be for him when this opportunity is finalized. Holy crap, this has been a year of hell in the waiting. This will change so much for him, I just cannot explain how HUGE this is for him.

2. Bf's brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew are coming into town the weekend we are to spend in SF (V-day weekend). It looks as though we will be meeting them for dinner on Friday night before checking into our hotel. I have never met them! I am so curious, as I have heard so much about them.

3. Then... the weekend after our weekend away, bf's parents are in town for 6 days. Ds and I have met them once for dinner in August. They were really nice. They even bought ds a couple of cars for a gift, which ds loved.

This visit, I discussed with bf that they should come over to my place for dinner (I get to cook! ) and to just hang out. A better opportunity for us all to get to know each other and just a more relaxing atmosphere than in a restaurant or out and about.

Omg, so much going on, with #1 being the biggest, of course. I just have to keep reminding myself to breathe, be in the moment and trust in myself, my bf and our relationship.

[mountain]

Are you thinking of going with him if he moves? Have you discussed it?

[guestmama9915]

Holland.. sounds extremely exciting and some big changes. Would you be moving to San Diego, too...? (hee hee, that's where I am)

I've been reading but work is so busy I don't have much time to respond. BelovedK, your boyfriend sounds great and "letting him in" Butterflymom, I love the details. I'm rooting for you to find someone super awesome!

So, lessee... I have nothing all that interesting to tell. I get to spend the weekend with my boy, I'm really looking forward to it. Will be meeting his brother tonight, which I am a little nervous about but not too much... Things are still just really good and simple. I dunno. It's nice. :

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by mountain

Are you thinking of going with him if he moves? Have you discussed it?

He is very reticent to talk about it yet, as he knows that there could be a possibility that it might not go through. He has gotten his hopes up a few other times and has been crushed because of it, so he is really holding off until the contract is signed.

I did tell him that if he decided to stay in San Diego for longer than a year, I would definitely consider moving down with him. I like San Diego and have a close friend that also lives down there. Another nice thing about San Diego would be that I would make about $6-8,000 more a year teaching there than here in Oakland!

BUT, if it is only going to be for a year, I wouldn't go. I have a great job here and I wouldn't uproot ds just for a year.

Once he gets his confirmation (likely by the end of next week), I am sure we will start the discussion.

[JohnnysGirl]

mountain, it sounds like the long distance thing is super stressful and the jealousy thing comes up when it normally wouldn't in such a scenario, it's totally natural and you did not overreact. Great that you discussed.

Beloved, I'm glad your bf has been awesome and I hope the trip is going to be great.

Holland73, gosh a lot on the horizon! I hope you can just inhale and exhale through each thing! Good luck! :

So, Ken-Doll texts me that he wants to see me when he has a long stretch of time to work with, so maybe he doesn't mind all the baggage I unloaded all over him and likes me anyways. We shall see if Date#2 pans out after all.

Guy#2 (Amnesty-volunteer) starts to get obviously nervous about meeting me live next week, as we have planned, and has made comments via text today about getting nervous that perhaps he isn't man enough for me....? I'm getting put off by any self-deprecation. Why doesn't he just meet me and worry later if he meets my standards? He admits he's a bit nervous of getting burned.... Seems like an insecure little boy. That's dating. Sometimes you get burned. Deal with it. : Am I a bitch?

Guy#3 on the horizon. We've been chatting online, casually, for weeks. I was put off by his non-nerdy-non-glasses-wearing-non-super-tall/slim-figure at the beginning and discounted him completely and we settled into a platonic chat-friendship on msn messenger. However.... maybe the bald, terribly muscular, average height man isn't what I thought he was. I judged him by one picture as kind of a less-intelligent, blue collar grunt-type who just lifts weights because he has never read a book . Idiot am I. Now i find out he has lived in many, many different countries, just started up his own, successful international company, and when we spoke on the phone last night, his English is fluent and his accent is beautifully British from his time living in England. Not this horrible Finnish accent and broken English I keep hearing, which I would have expected. He's also very, very intelligent, I've now bothered to find out. And incredibly mature, although a year younger. He has previously dated women with children the same age as mine, has been serious with someone who died tragically in an accident, and has moved countries a couple of times before to be with a woman he fell in love with and although it didn't work out in the end, he's fully prepared to stick his neck out there and do what's needed to try his best to make it work out the next time he feels strongly enough about a woman to feel there's long-term potential there. Not shell-shocked by past serious relationships that ended. Thank goodness. He's currently in Barcelona visiting friends and working remotely, or I would schedule a face-to-face, but he'll be back soon. So, Bald & Muscular is now on my list of people I am keen to meet and think have some valid potential. Who knows. I can't remember his height but something less than what I normally go for....let's see if it kills things.

I'll keep you guys posted about Ken-Doll, Amnesty-guy, and Bald&Muscular soon.

[emma_goldman]

this is so fun! I love reading about all of our adventures!!!

(I like bald and muscular )

I DO agree that relationships give us the opportunity to work out our problems and problem spots. I am so excited by the tender, intimate, sweet discussions I've been having with BF! Things could NOT be better.

I'm feeling like I've met my match in so many important ways. I'm working through not having more children. It feels like a good compromise right now!!! I am SO busy with my son, building my career, impending move, etc. anyway... and SO happy with everything in my life... Maybe we could adopt sometime!

So, I'm here in the cheerleading section! So excited to hear about everyone's growth through challenges...

[JohnnysGirl]

Emma_goldman, your guy sounds great. : Am I (and Anne2008) the only ones on this thread without one special person in their lives? The only ones not madly in love? There are others of us, right....? Well now I remember--odjmama and I are doing the juggling-several-men thing (I don't get what the 4 man plan is all about, but I think I'm doing it!). It's kind of stupid and I can't wait for one special person to set himself apart from the pack, but it's also kind of fun.

Amnesty-guy AND Bald & Muscular came online last night, late, to chat with me, and cute story from AG: he was out on a date with a different woman he had met online (a second date, actually...seems he's on the 4 woman plan).... they were having an 'ok' time, not great, a little awkward, and finally after dinner and while having a drink at a bar, they ask each other if they are seeing someone else, and they both admit that there is someone else. Amnesty Guy tells her about me, and how he is really looking forward to meeting me on Valentine's Day after our hours on the phone/webcam, and she admits she has been on the phone with a guy she met online but hasn't seen in person yet. They both agree that they are not really that interested in each other, but rather their respective 'other' people on the horizon. And after that, they loosen up and have a great time. Then, who appears to say hello at their table? Her internet guy whom she had a date lined up with for three days later! Amnesty Guy just stands up and wishes them well and leaves, and meets up elsewhere with friends and tells everyone the story. Then he comes back home and chats me up on skype and we laugh about it as well. Seems he is really, really looking forward to meeting me, with nervousness but excitement. He is so cute about that, that I could wrap a bow on him and put him under a Christmas tree or something, but on the other hand, I'm attracted to men with better self-esteems and more strength than I have seen him display...but I will withhold passing judgment until I see how he carries himself and what his body language in person, with me, says to me.
Simultaneously chatted with Bald & Muscular (my kids are here this weekend so I couldn't speak out loud to anyone via the phone but could type quietly until late in the night so that I am good and sleepy today to take them to a handicrafts fair ), who just strikes me as the most calm, confident, peaceful person in the world. Someone whom I can imagine would never falter in his life because of fear or doubt or insecurity about whether he was up for facing whatever challenge came in front of him. I can't explain how i pick that up about him, but it seems to be the case, based on what he has said about himself, what he wants, where he's been, etc. He's dated a woman with 3 and 5 year old children before and didn't consider it a drawback in the least! That's huge to me. I'm just, as AG said, a really strong woman (ahem, me) needs an even stronger man by her side and AG seems unconvinced he could ever live up to that role, while B & M knows himself to be that type (without sounding at all arrogant about it, just happy in his own skin and realistic about what his best characteristics are).

So silly to compare them like this when I've never met either in person. Only time will tell. Will B & G hurry up and get back from Barcelona so I can cook for him at my place as I've promised (and he's agreed to take me up on?)...? He hasn't even booked a return flight yet, he is living so spontaneously these days. Aren't his plants in his apartmnet here in Helsinki dying??? I'm looking forward to my date with Amnesty Guy on Valentine's Day, though. I hope it will be fun and that he doesn't ruin it with his nervousness.

Kinda hoping Ken Doll will write me a text or email proposing a second date, too, though...just so I can gaze at his masculine perfection again (he also seems to be pretty great on the inside, although after 100 minutes, what do I know? Definitely academically intelligent and calm/kind, and that's a lot to know so far, I think).

Shall I scrounge up a #4 so I can claim I'm doing the 4 man plan correctly? By the way, the 5'9" guy ended up backing off and letting things atrophy and trickle into nothing because he can't handle the concept of dating a single mother! He says he thought about it but knows that he would feel jealous of my kids and the time they take from me and he would hate himself for feeling that jealousy and it would dismantle the relationship. : I don't care, he was too short. The chemistry just wasn't there, anyway, so maybe he's making up an excuse? Does guy-in-Brussels-who-dumped-me-the-week-before-Christmas-and-left-me-to-spend-Christmas-Eve-alone, who wrote me an email last night claiming that he imagines alternative realities featuring me, and whom continues to plod along miserably through his life, dating no other, count as a #4? Nah. I don't think so. What about hottie French guy? Nah. I need a local #4....haven't even seen hottie French guy in 3 weeks, he is now living in Switzerland (although we keep in touch and I bet I'll see him again eventually).

Going to the handicrafts fair with my boys right now, with my hair curled, lipstick, and a cute outfit. Maybe some single dad will notice me and I'll get my fourth.

[rubelin]

Butterfly you totally need to do the 4 man plan with me!! Go to the website I linked and look up her videos on You-tube and get the book. It's not just 4 men, but a total of 4 in quarter increments, and any one you are physical with becomes a 2 1/4 man, so there's only room for one of those!

Oh, and I do keep thinking that our stories with our vanishing men are so similar, although you got a lot more time with yours than I've had with mine. I almost called mine tonight to ask him to the movies (I want to see Coraline with him!) but luckily fell asleep with my kids before I had a chance to do it. It was divine intervention, I think, lol! Really, there is just too much ridiculous drama between us than there needs to be and drama is such a turn-off for me.

I'm also on the list of not having anyone very special in my life, though there is a totally sweet guy who I'm having a lovely time with (he's my 2 1/4 man ). There's no long-term potential but he adores me and is fine with treating me great and giving me lots of space. I'm actually starting to enjoy just dating without needing to jump into an exclusive relationship.

Holland, I've got my fingers crossed for your man!! May you get the very best outcome for all! (and it'd be cool if you moved down here, we could have a So Cal single mommas meet up!)

Beloved, sorry about the BFN and congrats on all this work you're doing for yourself. I've always believed that relationships are there to teach us about ourselves and to work through all our life lessons and I'm so happy you are getting the opportunity to have so much growth. A baby will work itself into your life when you're ready for that lesson

love to all of you spending time with your loves! Have a fun weekend!

[JohnnysGirl]

Originally Posted by rubelin

Oh, and I do keep thinking that our stories with our vanishing men are so similar, although you got a lot more time with yours than I've had with mine. I almost called mine tonight to ask him to the movies (I want to see Coraline with him!) but luckily fell asleep with my kids before I had a chance to do it. It was divine intervention, I think, lol! Really, there is just too much ridiculous drama between us than there needs to be and drama is such a turn-off for me.

It did get established for a couple of months, but still the 'vanishing' aspect is the same. :

:

Anyway, can't I just do the 4 man plan by dating 4 men? Do I gotta have a book shipped to Finland for this?

Got a sweet text on the way to the handicrafts fair from Amnesty Guy telling me that he was on a long bus ride staring oút the window and thinking of nothing but me. Awwww...

[JohnnysGirl]

Forgive me for taking over the thread, but my kids are busy creating magic marker creations, I type fast, and I love to girltalk. So here goes:

Is anyone else online dating? Is it just me and rubelin?

Still just the three men from a Finnish dating or chatting site, but I was just wanting to hear about you guys & internet dating. :

Tripleaces, you met your wonderful man online, right?

Questions for online daters, to help me know if I'm doing it the same as you all and if anyone here is thinking of online dating, to have an idea for how it goes:

1. How much info about yourself do you share right off the bat?

2. How far into the email correspondence do you discuss your split from DC's Dad, and the fact that you have kids at all?

3. Do you guys do some 'chatting' asap, and/or phone calls....and how many times back and forth before suggesting a face-to-face meeting?

4. Do you guys go proactive and make initial contacts (or like me, dozens in a go, just to play the numbers) and do you narrow things down to one, three, or ten in a given week or two in terms of who you are interested in maybe meeting. When it gets to actual face-to-face meetings, do you juggle several 'first date' guys before deciding who you might actually give a crap about?

5. At what point do you narrow your attention down to just one guy that you think seems very viable?

6. Do you guys have tests that you consciously or subconsciously give to men? i.e. I'm not sure how to put my finger on it, but how they react to the fact that I have two small children really either endears me to them, or puts me off entirely and forever. A friend of mine yesterday recommended various ways of innocently testing a man's self-esteem to make sure he has a healthy self-confidence. I never thought of consciously setting 'traps' before, but it does seem like the sooner you can trip the wire and get those red flags to pop up and know you should run far far away, the better. Maybe?

7. Do you guys have better luck with online dating sites with profiles you can search and post of yourself, or chat rooms for your local area where you can just start up chatting with others and see who seems cool...? Is this prohibitive in the US because there wouldn't just be *one* site where people in your area congregate to? Here in Finland there is pretty much just one site that everyone goes to, for chatting or discussion or online dating, so it helps to sort of corral everyone into one spot, and I find myself just as frequently meeting people in chat rooms that I end up being interested in potentially meeting, vs. finding someone (or being found from) the dating profile section of the website.


Ken Doll knew very little about me from the dating site before meeting, but he certainly got the whole shebang over sushi. Second date.....? Is it gonna happen.....? He's such a Mr. Gorgeous Hot Shot Impressive Career man who makes great money, has a bright future, and excels at half a dozen sports in his spare time, kind of the ideal 'catch' for so many women, that I sort of wonder what on earth he *would* be thinking if he'd wanna get mired down with me and my drama when he could have anyone. Let's see.

Bald & Muscular met me in a chat room many weeks ago and we chatted about other topics on several different occasions, and when I told him I wasn't interested in him in terms of dating (I was head over heels for guy in Brussels at the time), he was so cool about saying that he would just like to be chat friends, then, no problem on the no-interest-in-dating thing. He still doesn't know that I am now considering him 'in the running' and I plan on keeping it that way (to avoid rejecting him twice) until I meet him face-to-face and decide if I can handle that he is not uber-tall/slim/nerdy/effeminate/glasses-wearing because apparently that's what does it for me. but...... I'd really like to shake such a specific 'type' off my libido! It's stupid and superficial. But anyway, when I slowly let him in on info about my kids, he handled it really well, and I liked his reactions to each piece of my personal story that I let him in on. I'm not sure I am impressed or put off that he is an entrepreneur, though. BTDT and being with one is shitty. But 28 and running his own business is definitely at least a little impressive. He's such a man, in the most positive connotations of that word, meaning: strength, confidence, honest, direct, pro-active. I think someone like that would be perfect to have by my side, long term.

Amnesty Guy met me in a chat room, and I let him in on my kids stuff right away and he seemed really enthusiastic about it. He has neices the same age whom he loves to dress up as Santa for at Christmas time, visit as much as possible, and has been named godfather of those daugthers of his older brother, apparently. Kid-enthusiastic is sweet, and bodes well to him not being just a Peter-Pan and fun-in-the-moment (but not much for real 'life') type. His masters in English Philology is sort of.... well, it's just disconcerting that this Finnish man speaks and writes with more eloquent English than I do. But his accent/voice is musical to my ears, so that's a plus. He works in administration at a University, and somehow I wonder he has much ambition, if that's what such an intelligent man is doing at age 31 (and I haven't heard of any rush to branch into something more meaty/interesting/challenging), but I have no idea of his future plans so I'll slowly learn about that. He definitely strikes me as very sensitive, kind, romantic, and emotionally available, but I wonder if his inner insecurity and less-than-ambitiousness will undermine my ability to respect him and lust for him. Hmmm....food for thought.

I guess I need another quarter man.... Whatever that means.

[Seie]

I met my guy online - but have never done the 4 guy thing. Actually he is the only one from the dating site I have met with. I wrote with others, but they were boring correspondences so I never considered meeting any of them - well one had a very charming smile, we had a good little exchange of letters, but he was put off by my three kids. The site I used you could put in your status in terms of kids/marriage etc. So it simply said in my fact-part of the profile that I was a single mom of three. I think that is good, as it simply ruled out the non-serious guys to begin with..
About personal info - I didnt write anything that could identify me - not my profession - only wrote the length in the stats part. I didnt mention my "divorce" or past in my profile. I wrote about my key charecteristics (personalitywise) my wishes for a serious relationship and for the guy I was looking for. And funny enough then my current guy matches everything! I was quite ambitious in my profile text - to rule out non-potentials before even getting to consider them. For instance I simply wrote that I expected a man to be at least as intelligent as me. Some may think that arrogant, but its the truth. I dont care much about looks, but a man has got to match me intellectually or he is a no-go.

Butterflymom I think Mr Bald and Muscular sounds just like my type : If my guy should change his mind I will take him off your hands :

[BelovedK]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

Forgive me for taking over the thread, but my kids are busy creating magic marker creations, I type fast, and I love to girltalk. So here goes:

Is anyone else online dating? Is it just me and rubelin? I met my honey online



Questions for online daters, to help me know if I'm doing it the same as you all and if anyone here is thinking of online dating, to have an idea for how it goes:

1. How much info about yourself do you share right off the bat? I am very careful, I share the essentials like non-identifying info about my job and kids, etc. I ask them questions, try to feel them out. If I know I am not interested, I try to be pleasant and still focus on him.

2. How far into the email correspondence do you discuss your split from DC's Dad, and the fact that you have kids at all? With current bf, we didn't discuss our Xs in detail until we had been seeing each other and were sharing more personal things, even then, we moved through those subjects and didn't dwell there. I see it as a red flag when someone harps on their X all the time, and it starts things in a negative way.

3. Do you guys do some 'chatting' asap, and/or phone calls....and how many times back and forth before suggesting a face-to-face meeting? If I felt comfortable with them on the phone (at least a few times) I will meet somewhere public like a bookstore cafe, I like to keep the first visits short, if we click, we could always leave and do something else. I had that happen a few times. I don't recommend a dinner as a first date though, it is awful to be stuck having dinner with someone you find distasteful, if that is the case.

4. Do you guys go proactive and make initial contacts (or like me, dozens in a go, just to play the numbers) and do you narrow things down to one, three, or ten in a given week or two in terms of who you are interested in maybe meeting. When it gets to actual face-to-face meetings, do you juggle several 'first date' guys before deciding who you might actually give a crap about? I found it to be a waste of everyone's time to keep talking to guys I obviously had nothing in common with (I did a few timnes to be polite and it led the guy on. At one time, I had several 'first dates' in a week. As long as we didn't do anything physical it was ok. When I met bf, I was also seeing another man who I liked and we had alot in common, but did not click romantically. ...It just felt wrong, so I stopped dating him. I felt a little weird about juggling 'dates' but tried to look at it as the law of averages, if I met with enough men, I would eventually attract one who would be the right one for me.

5. At what point do you narrow your attention down to just one guy that you think seems very viable? I did that a few times (narrowd the focus) before I met bf) When i did it, it just felt right, I 'knew'

6. Do you guys have tests that you consciously or subconsciously give to men? i.e. I'm not sure how to put my finger on it, but how they react to the fact that I have two small children really either endears me to them, or puts me off entirely and forever. A friend of mine yesterday recommended various ways of innocently testing a man's self-esteem to make sure he has a healthy self-confidence. I never thought of consciously setting 'traps' before, but it does seem like the sooner you can trip the wire and get those red flags to pop up and know you should run far far away, the better. Maybe? I ask about jis divorce, and his family of origin. If he is negative about either i consider it a red flag, sharing negative details is something best not shared on a first date. I also always mention my kids FIRST. If he even shows ONE sign of hesitation, that is it. I also notice whether or not he can look me in the eye, and I sometimes ask him the same thing in different ways to try to sense whether or not he is a liar. I trust my intuition, if I get a good feel from him, I will give him a chance.

7. Do you guys have better luck with online dating sites with profiles you can search and post of yourself, or chat rooms for your local area where you can just start up chatting with others and see who seems cool...? Is this prohibitive in the US because there wouldn't just be *one* site where people in your area congregate to? Here in Finland there is pretty much just one site that everyone goes to, for chatting or discussion or online dating, so it helps to sort of corral everyone into one spot, and I find myself just as frequently meeting people in chat rooms that I end up being interested in potentially meeting, vs. finding someone (or being found from) the dating profile section of the website. I would thing either would be good, whatever tyou are most comfortable with. I have online profiles up, I don;t go into chat rooms (well, I am not 'listed' ' anymore) I like that there is one site. I was on 3 sites, I had the best luck with match.com, I would sometimes take it to chat when I met the guy through email and I found that things had the tendency to get too flirtatious in chat, a bit too suggestive. I don't think I can answer that question very well, I have not experienced a site like that

I was online dating for over a year before I met bf. I sometimes dreaded the first dates because they could be so uncomfortable. I met two men who became friends and I am still in contact with, I met 2 guys I really liked, but they didn't like me in that way.

When I met bf, I had cancelled match.com. I apparently didn't cancel correctly and was checking my bank balance when I saw that they had charged me for another 6 months,. I was FURIOUS, I called and they would not take away the charges. I told myself that as long as I was still a member I would use it. bf was the second man I contacted. He had 'favorited' me (sp?) I just sent hime a short email I said "I see you" and wrote something short and funny (can't remember) and my phone #... He called me and we met for sushi , it was risky to do a lunch, but the rest is history.

I was very skeptical at first. I kept pushing through my resistances because I had a feeling about him. I am learning so much about myself through this relationship.

hth

[Holland73]

Looks like San Diego is a no-go. Very sadly, the opportunity fell through.

[mountain]

sorry the option went away for now. It's hard when that stuff happens, and it's hard to know what to say to comfort friends. It may help to make him laugh somehow...this works with my bf. I'm a teacher too, btw, up by Yosemite

I am freaking out about Wed court, just wanting it over. Not sure what it means for my dating life. I have a date with a hot tub jet tonight. Argh.

[guestmama9915]

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[guestmama9915]

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