Extremely upset over dh and vaccination

[Lisa1970]

DH and I agreed extensively over the vaccination issue. I have done endless research and shared a portion of it and we have both had raving conversations over how anti-vaccination we are now. We are in complete agreement.

I posted previously about how when DH gets around medical people, needles, tubes, smells, etc, he freaks basically. He loses the ability to speak up, speak for himself, and speak for us, and so on. So he went to the doctor a couple weeks ago and the doctor told him that whooping cough was rampant so he needs a shot for whooping cough! Then she had the nurse give it to him while he just sat there like a dummy taking it.

When he got home and told me about it, I asked him how they got away with this. He claims they tricked him by telling him a story of whooping cough being so rampant. That is it, that is supposedly all they said to him. They did not trick him, dh never opened his mouth to say no.

This is a chronic problem with him. So I am incredibly worried for our baby when our baby is born. Who will protect our baby if I am laying in the bed from giving birth and they are whisking my baby away from me, out of sight and control. They will give my baby shots and I do not trust my dh to protect my baby!!

He swears he can handle it, but every single time he fails, every time!!!

Anyone have advice? I was going to ask my sister to be the one to go to the nursery with the baby, but dh swears he can handle it. This is way way too important to trust him over. He will fail, he always does. Would I be horrible to tell dh that even though HE insists he won't fail, he will and my sister will be there to protect our baby? I am tired of feeling vulnerable and at everyone else's whim and will because dh is scared to open his mouth and speak. This is a several time repeat thing.

[lurable]

I would personally send my sister if I was in your position. Would your DH be terribly offended by this? I mean, if I were him and I knew the amount of pressure I felt and how difficult it was for me to handle it I would be relieved that it wasn't my responsability! Also, I would put it in your birth plan and make it known to the hospital staff.

[Amila]

Is homebirth out of the question?

I would be very nervous in your situation. Not sure I would be able to trust my DH with his past inability to stick to whats important. Sorry you are going through this.

[alegna]

Homebirth.

-Angela

[PaigeC]

Originally Posted by lurable

I would put it in your birth plan and make it known to the hospital staff.

:

Can you practice with him? "if the nurse says this..." you will say...

He doesn't have to worry about arguing well just train him to say "I'll have to discuss this with my wife - we make these kind of decisions together."

[philomom]

Originally Posted by alegna

Homebirth.

-Angela

That's ridiculous. All she needs is a baby guard.

To the OP,get dh some therapy over this. If you die, he'll be in charge of your kids and they'll be vulnerable to the greater world.

BTW, vaccinations are not evil. Informed consent, though, must be a part of any intelligent parent's arsenal.

[mamamolly1]

Lisa: rather than framing it as: "I want my sister to be the one who goes with the baby to the nursery and not you because she'll protect the baby more" (which I can see why that would not sit well), maybe frame it as "I want my sister to go with the baby to the nursery, because I want you to stay with me, I'll need your support even after the baby is out"

[alegna]

Originally Posted by philomom

That's ridiculous. All she needs is a baby guard.

To the OP,get dh some therapy over this. If you die, he'll be in charge of your kids and they'll be vulnerable to the greater world.

BTW, vaccinations are not evil. Informed consent, though, must be a part of any intelligent parent's arsenal.

Why is it ridiculous to have a safe birth where no one will disrespect your wishes?

-Angela

[ihugtrees]

Wow. I can truly relate to the frustration. My husband is also one to just stand by and let things happen...he is easily swayed by others opinions. However, I know that I cannot control every aspect of our life, and sometimes I have to just trust my DH to do what's best and protect us. For example, he TERRIFIES me when he drives. He does not have confidence at all, and will sometimes drift into an intersection as traffic is speeding towards us, and he can't make up his mind whether to stay or go...I usually end up yelling at him about this, and I know my criticism only makes him more paranoid and WORSE of a driver. I am not sure I can let him drive with our LO in the car, though. I suggest you read the book, 'The Surrendered Wife'. It's honestly not as obnoxious as the title sounds (I thought it was religious, but it's actually not)...it's about trusting your husband and not always having to be in control--and how that in and of itself will make your husband the kind of man you CAN trust with decisions. I have just started it and am seeing that I am partially to blame for my husband's lack of courage.

I hope this doesn't seem harsh, but I have to be honest. You come across as absolutely despising your husband--I mean, very real contempt. How small your DH must feel if you say the things to him in the same way that you just said on here...and a DH who feels belittled often won't stand up for himself. He becomes defeated, and will just take anything from anyone. In contrast, a DH who knows his wife respects and trusts him is usually more confident and can say/do the things he needs to do because he knows he can.

IMHO, you SHOULD talk to him about this...in a calm, kind manner. Explain to him that you need to feel safe, need to trust him...that you want to be able to rely on him to protect you and your baby, and in order to do so, he must protect himself as well.

That being said, if you are due soon, and don't feel like you've solved the issue, I would have your sister go along with your DH and the baby. You're right, it IS very important.

[Jayray]

Can your baby room in so that you can see everything that's happening with it?

Can you just tell your sister to go WITH your husband (without making a big deal about it), so that she can "remind" him of what the two of you have decided?

I just know that men struggle constantly with feelings of failure (or fear of failure), so I would hate for that to cloud the birth for your husband. Maybe having your sister with him would give him the courage/wherewithall/whatever to do the right thing.

[homebirthbaby]

Why does the baby need to go to the nursery?
With my first (hospital birth), baby was never out of my presence. They checked her and did everything they needed to do right there in the room and unless there's any complications or abnormal cirmstances, there's no reason for the baby to visit the nursery.
Second baby was a home birth so I never had to worry about it!

[La Rune]

Protect your baby!

My DH is the same way. Swears he can handle things. Promises to speak up next time. And on and on and on, every single time it happens.

I planned a homebirth, ended up having a c-section (Once the OB said "c-section" my husband was NO HELP, so you'll want someone else there anyway! Get a doula!), and then they took the baby. They kept adding who knows what to my IV, ignoring my questions, and deferring to DH ... who let them do whatever they wanted. My baby had Vitamin K, eye ointment, a blood draw to test her blood sugar, a bottle of sugar water because her blood sugar was low, and another blood draw to re-test. Meanwhile they were refusing to bring her to me because I was still in a "labor" room and they didn't have any "recovery" rooms available. DH would not insist on or refuse anything.

Two days later they took her away while I was sleeping, because DH consented to a blood draw for jaundice. Then they called the room and said she had jaundice and they were keeping her. He just said "OK". I couldn't get out of bed (I still couldn't walk!) and get her, and he wouldn't. He refused to advocate for either of us. He sat there and watched it happen. She was under the bililights for 12 hours and given multiple bottles of sugar water and formula. I did not consent to any of it, but because DH wouldn't make a scene, they ignored me. I was just "that crazy lady in Room X". I got into an argument with one nurse but how was I supposed to ask for another? Get out of bed and rip out my staples? So DH "asked" for a different nurse, and wouldn't you know, I didn't get that either.

Consider a homebirth. Seriously consider a homebirth.

If you're going to do this in the hospital, hire a doula. You will need someone to be there for you.

Also have someone else (a different person, so neither of you will be left alone at any time) to advocate for the baby, someone who knows what you want and will follow your instructions to the letter. Someone who knows your rights and won't let doctors/nurses walk all over them. Even though they know what you want, research everything and write out a list. Make sure there's no question.

And if I had it to do over again, I would not ever ever sign a blanket consent form. I'd write in red pen on their form that I would consent or not consent to each test and procedure, separately.

Hugs and good luck.

[plantmama]

I used to completely freeze up around doctors too. I had a hard time because ds was in the nicu after being born quite early and it was so hard to know what he needed and what he "needed". Anyway, you should not further marginalize your dh (not saying you are, saying that's the way doctor's make him feel?) but try to come up with things he can say.
My suggestion is "We are planning on doing all our vaccines with our ped. after dc leaves the hospital". It avoids confrontation and gets them to stop.
If someone says "well we do hep B in the hospital" he will actually have to say "we aren't going to do the hep B shot."
He may have more gumption with his child than with himself. And I would say to him that if he doubts himself at ALL he needs to let your sister help.
Good luck!

[Lisa1970]

Last time, I drove myself to the hospital because I thought I was in labor and dh was willing to do anything to not go. I was correct as my water broke when I got out of the car. I called him and asked him to call the babysitter and come to the hospital. He barely could speak. In the end, I had to call the sitter while the contractions were 3 minutes apart and the nurse was trying to put in an IV and all. He did show up eventually, but only after I made arrangements for everyone else to go to my house and collect the children themselves. I am shocked he even managed to get to the hospital. But then at some point, he stood up and said he had to go pick up our son. Our son was 11.5 yrs old and he said he had to pick him up. I told him he did not have to pick him up, just stay. My dh was in his "zone" and just kept repeating that he had to pick him up. He left. The baby died inside. I gave birth alone, with the medical staff of course-no dh.

With the first, dh was on the floor in the corner and missed that birth too. With his own blood work he has to lay down and one time, passed out.

I feel bad for him and do not wish to hurt him. But I know my limits, why can't he see his and do what he needs to protect his children? These are just a couple examples of dh going in to his "zone" and not being able to handle things.

The medical situation here is all the worse. The lowest csect rate I can find at any hospital is the one I am supposed to deliver at and it is just over 50%. Most labors are induced, rarely is one not induced. Keeping the baby in the room with you is not an option. You give birth there, they have control of your baby, your life, everything. Since I am a vbac, (after 3 csects) it is very hard to find a midwife. My only choices are to be tied down and completely surrender control over myself and my life and my child, or have an unassisted homebirth. I am seriously considering the homebirth.

[alegna]

It's important to note that her sister would have no legal say over what is done to the baby.

-Angela

[Lisa1970]

Alegna..I was worried about that. I figure I will put it in writing, but my sister would be making sure it is enforced. Do you think that would be enough?

[alegna]

Originally Posted by Lisa1970

Alegna..I was worried about that. I figure I will put it in writing, but my sister would be making sure it is enforced. Do you think that would be enough?

Your sister has NO legal say. None. Zip. Zero. If your husband overrides her, that's it.

-Angela

[lisa_nc]

Originally Posted by Lisa1970

Last time, I drove myself to the hospital because I thought I was in labor and dh was willing to do anything to not go. I was correct as my water broke when I got out of the car. I called him and asked him to call the babysitter and come to the hospital. He barely could speak. In the end, I had to call the sitter while the contractions were 3 minutes apart and the nurse was trying to put in an IV and all. He did show up eventually, but only after I made arrangements for everyone else to go to my house and collect the children themselves. I am shocked he even managed to get to the hospital. But then at some point, he stood up and said he had to go pick up our son. Our son was 11.5 yrs old and he said he had to pick him up. I told him he did not have to pick him up, just stay. My dh was in his "zone" and just kept repeating that he had to pick him up. He left. The baby died inside. I gave birth alone, with the medical staff of course-no dh.

With the first, dh was on the floor in the corner and missed that birth too. With his own blood work he has to lay down and one time, passed out.

I feel bad for him and do not wish to hurt him. But I know my limits, why can't he see his and do what he needs to protect his children? These are just a couple examples of dh going in to his "zone" and not being able to handle things.

The medical situation here is all the worse. The lowest csect rate I can find at any hospital is the one I am supposed to deliver at and it is just over 50%. Most labors are induced, rarely is one not induced. Keeping the baby in the room with you is not an option. You give birth there, they have control of your baby, your life, everything. Since I am a vbac, (after 3 csects) it is very hard to find a midwife. My only choices are to be tied down and completely surrender control over myself and my life and my child, or have an unassisted homebirth. I am seriously considering the homebirth.

Oh, Lisa. Some men are wonderful human beings but absolutely not who you want in your corner in certain situations. Who wouldn't be overwrought after that? I don't have answers for you, but I couldn't pass your post without sending hugs to you.

[claddaghmom]

::

[wanderinggypsy]

Are you anticipating a preemie or extenuating medical circumstance? I'm just wondering why your baby is going to the nursery, or anywhere for that matter, without you.

"Hospital Policy" is not law, and no-one can physically force you to allow your infant to be taken from you.

As for your DH, I think you are right to be concerned. Some people are more prone to cave to pressure than others, and he may be one by the sounds of it.

Stay with your baby if you are concerned. In the event something really mandated your child being taken to the nursery, then perhaps you would be best to have a backup support person on hand, but be aware that only the parents can permit or forbid medical treatment/procedure.

Best of luck.