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People not watching their kids.... - Page 4

post #61 of 180
The only "semi-legitimate excuse" I could see for the OP-mama-in-the-story being "unconcerned" is that she had been shopping with someone else and they'd split up for whatever reason and the child's mother thought that the child had gone with the other person, and maybe that other person thought the child was with his mom. Which is why whenever I'm shopping with someone and we split up for a bit, we make eye contact and decide who has the children. If the kids object, we may reevaluate, but then make sure the other knows that "hey--I've got the kids after all".
post #62 of 180
Quote:
Originally Posted by momtokea View Post
You know, we like to go to bookstores a lot. When we enter the store my kids automatically go to the kids section. I have a few sections that I like to check out myself and I take a few minutes before I join my kids in the kid section. My biggest concern is not that they will be kidnapped, but that I will be judged as a bad mother. Seriously, I head to the kids section thinking that everyone is going to be wondering where the mother of those unsupervised kids is, not that my kids need me or are in trouble. Instinctively I feel that my kids are fine. It's the judgement that worries me more.
Sounds crazy, I know.
Not crazy at all. I feel the same every time I go out with DS. I give him a lot of freedom compared to other kids his age, I follow the Continuum Concept in my parenting which accords a lot more ability to kids than is generally allowed for in our Western society. Therefore, to an onlooker it could often seem as if i 'dont care' or am a bad parent, when in fact I am simply not 'hovering' and giving my son the opportunity to develop his own judgement, exercise his own innate sense of safety and boundaries, and develop confidence. I am also disturbed by the judgmentalism in this thread - it does seem that in the original post, the child was upset, but in general i dont think its good to make blanket judgments - you never know what the parent intended, how much trust there is in the relationship, what the child's ability and independence is, etc.
post #63 of 180
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jojo F. View Post
But we do know she was preoccupied, she was chit chatting on the phone telling someone her son 'got himself lost' and to top it off she wasn't worried at all.
I don't know I bother, but this is exactly what I mean. Was she chatting on the phone when he got lost? We don't know - this was at least 15 minutes later, after he'd been found. Maybe she'd called a friend or relative in a panic, and was calling back to let him/her know the score. I personally can't tell if someone is worried based on what someone else, who doesn't know them, briefly observes and reports on a message board. I can think of several scenarios that could explain taking 10 minutes to get there, and not seeming "worried at all" and talking on her cell phone. Those scenarios don't all assume that she must be an inattentive, preoccupied mom.

Oh - and the customer service clerk was out of line. It's not his/her (can't recall) job to decide that a customer is a negligent parent and then tell them off. I'd complain to management if I were on the receiving end of that.


ETA: I just read the last couple pages of posts. I'm sorry - I must have missed where the OP saw the mom before she found out her child was recovered. Since the OP didn't see her, I have no idea why anybody in this thread, from the OP on, thinks they have any clue what the mom's mental state was, either when the child got lost (however it happened) or while she was looking for him. The OP only saw the mom after the child was found.

Boy - this thread has made me feel so much better about taking my little monkey out in public. It's bad enough never knowing when he's going to jerk his hand out of mine and run. Now, I get to wonder who's going to be ready to publicly lambaste me for not caring enough or being a bad mother. Maybe I should try the harness he doesn't like (the one that I've also been criticized for using on dd, who loved it, in an attempt to keep her safe)? Maybe I should get handcuffs? Maybe I should just keep him home and never let him leave the house? Actually, I guess if I were just as good a mother as some others here, my child would never even think of bolting, because I'd have told him not to, and worked with him on that...obviously, I never did that, because he does take off.

I feel sorry for the child in the OP. I feel sorry for him mom, too.
post #64 of 180
I too am sick of people who do not supervise their children. My neighbor's children are always running around the neighborhood. It is awful. They were 3 and 5 when we first moved in a year and a half ago. The oldest mows the lawn with a real lawn mower and no supervision.

On the topic of children running away, my oldest did that all the time. He had oxygen deprivation at birth and has always had "issues." He would run like there was no tomorrow when he was little. The doctors had little hope for his future, but I did extended breastfeeding and family bed and so on and he has really far exceeded what anyone expected. He came out needing to be resuscitated and so on. He needed oxygen, it was all so awful. I can still see the effects in him today.

So please don't judge anyone based on their child screaming in public (ds would scream high pitched screams around the clock) or running away while the parents look totally flustered. However, I always knew he was running away and was always trying to get him back and rarely went out in public with him and so on because of it. I cannot stand it when I am in public and someones kids are just giggling and running around and being holy terrors and the parents don't care. I also cannot stand people who leave their smal children home alone or outside alone unsupervised.
post #65 of 180
I used to work retail, and it never failed. Some small child would be lost, crying, and when I would help them find mom, she would go off yelling at them for being lost instead of realizing it was her fault for not paying attention, or comforting her crying child who was obviously traumatized. That used to pi$$ me off so much. : WTF is wrong with people?
post #66 of 180
^I saw this in the mall once, a women who was walking about 10 feet ahead of her toddler. it was crowded. I could never do that. A child taking off is another story, but there are fun ways to teach a child not to do this. I am lucky that has been enough to teach my 3 1/2 and 2 year old - so far. if they were lost and I was called to the front of the store, it wouldnt take me 10 minutes to get there (unless it was a really really really big store and I was allll the way on the opposite side - but even then I would have already noticed my child missing and been going to the front desk myself for help!)

I would be worried. I would thank the person who found them and I would probably be in tears over the fact we got seperated, especially if it caused my child anxiety like the child in the OP.
post #67 of 180
Quote:
Originally Posted by bigeyes View Post
I used to work retail, and it never failed. Some small child would be lost, crying, and when I would help them find mom, she would go off yelling at them for being lost instead of realizing it was her fault for not paying attention, or comforting her crying child who was obviously traumatized. That used to pi$$ me off so much. : WTF is wrong with people?
I did that to ds1 a couple times. We had a problem almost every time I shopped, because he would take off and I couldn't keep up with him. I was sick. My marriage was falling apart. A couple of times, I was still bleeding from a miscarriage. I frequently had very, very bad headaches (mostly tension, but a few migraines). I still had to walk home with all the groceries and cook dinner. We had the "don't run away" conversation on the way to the store every time. I left him home a few times, which neither of us liked, because I just couldn't cope with having to chase him...and I told him why I wasn't taking him. Sometimes, I didn't have that choice, because there was nobody to watch him. So, yeah - a few times, when I caught up with him, I flipped out.

It's funny. I used to feel as though everyone was judging my parenting when ds1 was little. I finally decided it was my old self-consciousness flaring up. Who knew I was right all along? It's nice to know that I can count on other moms to sit back and mentally kick me when I'm already down.

This has been a very depressing thread.
post #68 of 180
I don't see how what you did is the same as not comforting a scared child or showing concern Lisa???
post #69 of 180
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
I did that to ds1 a couple times. We had a problem almost every time I shopped, because he would take off and I couldn't keep up with him. I was sick. My marriage was falling apart. A couple of times, I was still bleeding from a miscarriage. I frequently had very, very bad headaches (mostly tension, but a few migraines). I still had to walk home with all the groceries and cook dinner. We had the "don't run away" conversation on the way to the store every time. I left him home a few times, which neither of us liked, because I just couldn't cope with having to chase him...and I told him why I wasn't taking him. Sometimes, I didn't have that choice, because there was nobody to watch him. So, yeah - a few times, when I caught up with him, I flipped out.

It's funny. I used to feel as though everyone was judging my parenting when ds1 was little. I finally decided it was my old self-consciousness flaring up. Who knew I was right all along? It's nice to know that I can count on other moms to sit back and mentally kick me when I'm already down.

This has been a very depressing thread.


are we talking about a child of 5 or 6, or a toddler? I should have clarified. The instances I was talking about were toddlers. I can't imagine you would have given the 'talk' to a toddler and expected it to work. With a child who was old enough to understand instructions, I wouldn't have been as upset with the parents. These were terrified toddlers, which I guess I didn't specify. And I worked in a big toy store.
post #70 of 180
Quote:
Originally Posted by Super Glue Mommy View Post
.
add to the fact even if the kid yelled screaming the store the person could act like its a tantrum... since people usually DO stay out of it. I will have to find the link or maybe someone else has it but this theory was tested with a child screaming "your not my mommy!! you're not my mommy!" and the people just kept walking.
Because people know that kids will scream statements like that in order to get attention. I don't even know where my 2.5 year old picked it up from, but he'll scream "you're not my mommy! I don't like you! leave me alone!" when temper tantruming in public.
post #71 of 180
I'll admit it, yes, it may be judgemental for me to think this mother "didn't seem to care" or that she was preoccupied. I mean, OOOPS, I WAS GOING TO SAY MORE BUT DECIDED AGAINST IT...

Just because this sort of thing may have happened before, or the mother knows he is now safe, or what ever other sort of excuse you want to throw at it still doesn't make up for the fact the mother didn't console her scare, upset child. She's havign a bad day, week, month or year isn't a good enough excuse for me.

Paint me all kinds of judgemental colors.
post #72 of 180
Quote:
Originally Posted by cschick View Post
Because people know that kids will scream statements like that in order to get attention. I don't even know where my 2.5 year old picked it up from, but he'll scream "you're not my mommy! I don't like you! leave me alone!" when temper tantruming in public.
I agree I think this is exactly why. of course to be sure instead of stepping in all mean, a person could offer the mother a helping hand, which would probably be a great help! I know I would have appreciated that the times my kids tantrummed in public. My son did it once at an amusement park, my daughter did it once at the mall. I'm lucky that was the extent so far! but I was MORTIFIED both times! I had to keep telling myself (this happens to all mothers! its just my turn this time!)
post #73 of 180
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jojo F. View Post
I'll admit it, yes, it may be judgemental for me to think this mother "didn't seem to care" or that she was preoccupied. I mean,

Just because this sort of thing may have happened before, or the mother knows he is now safe, or what ever other sort of excuse you want to throw at it still doesn't make up for the fact the mother didn't console her scare, upset child. She's havign a bad day, week, month or year isn't a good enough excuse for me.

Paint me all kinds of judgemental colors.

i dont think you are being judgemental I think people are taking it personally and applying it to their experiences when it doesnt apply. Most people here voiced concerned over the mother not consoling the child or seeming upset. its normal that we would think that is strange.
post #74 of 180
but we don't even know how old the child is! I keep saying that but it's a pretty big part of it!

I know that some here have said they wouldn't allow a child under ten out of range in a store. But then I noticed that those same people have toddler/preschool aged kids. It makes more sense that they'd feel that way. I have been absolutely panicked with my kids in a store when one is out of sight---when they were wee. For sure. But seriously, it would be ridiculous of me to feel like I need to have my 9 yr old within arm's reach at all times. even when he was 8 it would have been silly. Also, I expect my kids to kind of keep up with me sometimes when we have to get things done. I can't constantly be paying attention to their every move every second that we're shopping. They're too old for that now to be honest. My 9 yr old got lost recently in a department store and I truly didn't feel a second of panic. I just waited to hear and announcement. Which I heard. I went and collected the little bugger and we were on our way. I mean, I was polite to the salesperson and said thanks. I also did slightly scold my kid for not paying attention. Not in front of anyone else or anything. I really don't see a problem there. He could easily find his way HOME from the mall if he had to at this age.
post #75 of 180
mamajama- I totally see your point and agree with you. As we don''t know the exact age of the child I think it was decided by the OP the child was around 4yo.

But even if it was a 9yo, *IF* said 9yo was scared, it would be odd to not see any concern in the mother, kwim? I'm sure if your 9yo, for whatever reason, was scared you'd concole him.
post #76 of 180
I have lost my child in the store a couple times. Once she deliberately ran off to another isle while I had my back turned to her and was trying to reach something on the high shelf at the back of the freezer. I started yelling for her and I could hear her crying becuase she couldn't find me. She kept wandering from row to row but a very nice lady helped us connect by telling her that she could hear me calling and telling her to stay right there so I could find her. It was very scary for both of us and she hasn't done it sense. She was five when it happened though and had never wondered off from me before. Last time we went to the mall she left the clothes rack she was suppossed to be in and went to another rack, I panicked and she came out quickly and stayed with me.
It is sad that the boy was so sad and it took so long for the mom to come to the front to get him, but there may have been other things going on that made it hard for the mom to find him right away even if he was scared and crying. I would have loved to find my dd right away when she ran off but that isn't always what happens. This may also be a recurring thing with him and she may have been to frustrated to address his saddness right then. My friend's son runs off every time they go to WalMart and by the time she finds him she has only angry words to say to him. It is sad when parents don't have it in them to comfort their child, but sometimes even moms are human and get to a point in their anger where they are not able to empathize with their child.
post #77 of 180
Quote:
Originally Posted by Super Glue Mommy View Post
I agree I think this is exactly why. of course to be sure instead of stepping in all mean, a person could offer the mother a helping hand, which would probably be a great help! I know I would have appreciated that the times my kids tantrummed in public. My son did it once at an amusement park, my daughter did it once at the mall. I'm lucky that was the extent so far! but I was MORTIFIED both times! I had to keep telling myself (this happens to all mothers! its just my turn this time!)
I think it's all in how you deal with it, though.

I've had people "step in" to offer a hand, and usually their help is actually a hurt. If you step in to "help" the child who is throwing a temper tantrum because he's being asked to sit on a bench until he calms down, it's generally not helpful.

He's also the type of kid who goes full out into "wildcat" mode when he's being asked to do something he doesn't want to do or refused something he wants--kicking, biting, flopping, screaming. I've just found it safer to isolate him somewhere (a bench, a corner of the store) rather than try to haul him away from the scene to the car or something, because chances are good that one of us is going to get accidentally hurt if I try to move him before he's calmed back down. Telling me to just give him the thing, or even to hold/restrain him isn't going to be helpful for this particular child in these particular circumstances.
post #78 of 180
Quote:
Originally Posted by Super Glue Mommy View Post
I don't see how what you did is the same as not comforting a scared child or showing concern Lisa???
I was saying that there were a few time when I yelled at ds1 for getting lost in the store.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bigeyes View Post
are we talking about a child of 5 or 6, or a toddler? I should have clarified. The instances I was talking about were toddlers. I can't imagine you would have given the 'talk' to a toddler and expected it to work. With a child who was old enough to understand instructions, I wouldn't have been as upset with the parents. These were terrified toddlers, which I guess I didn't specify. And I worked in a big toy store.
I think he was 4 the first time...maybe 6 the last time? It's hard to remember exactly. He is almost 16 now.

Yeah - it's pretty upsetting to see someone yell at a toddler. I have to admit that I've probably done it a couple times, though. I can't honestly remember doing it, but I suspect I probably have. I try to cultivate a more serene outlook on life, but I'm not a naturally serene person (neither is dd, actually).

I will admit that I can't imagine freaking out at a toddler who was completely freaked out themselves. Do keep in mind that, even though it's counterproductive and unfair, that is how some people process it when they're really freaked out...the fear for the child comes out in a really negative way.
post #79 of 180
Sometimes I think that people act like they don't care, because they are actually scared. Hopefully that was the case here. Maybe she was on the cellphone with her husband or mother or sibling, because she was upset. I've done that before. I lost my younger daughter in a mall, and I didn't go back to the mall for almost a year because of how easy it was for her to disappear in my care. I was pretty low key, however, that's always the way I am. When I was in the mall looking for her, I kept thinking that I would find her, that she couldn't have gotten far, that I would just turn the corner and there she would be. I was upset, but trying to calm myself down. I first went out to the parking lot at the end of the mall in the direction we had been heading, thinking she had just kept walking. I passed right by Macy's, never went in. Then I went all the way back to the security office, because I didn't know what to do, and then I heard my name over the loudspeaker. She was at Macy's sitting at the make-up counter.

When I actually found my child, I was relieved, I was grateful, I was angry at myself. It's hard to know how to react in front of people, but I know they are expecting a certain reaction, so I tried to give that to them, but it's not natural to me. I just want to not say a single word, other than to thank the people who found her and took care of her, and then take my daughter. It doesn't mean I don't care. So maybe that's where this woman was.
post #80 of 180
it depends how you step in to help. you can step in in that scenario just by saying to the mother "that was me last week! don't worry, it will pass. you are doing a great job"

i was not suggesting helping the mother PARENT I was suggesting helping the mother by supporting her. Or doing something like pushing her groceries to the car or something.

we know the child looked to be about 4, or small for a 5 year old. I doubt that would make the child older then 7. and even if the child was 10, if the child was scared, would you not console them?

Heck, I think my mom did a lousy job in a lot of ways but even as a teenager she consoled me when I was scared.
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