How... NOT to yell?

[quietasariot]

I seem to have a problem with my 4 year old DD lately. I'm a yeller by "nurture" [if you could call it that], but I'm trying my hardest NOT to yell. I'm doing really well, in fact. But there are times when I can repeat things three or even four times to DD and she just WILL NOT listen. And the only way she'll listen is by me raising my voice to her. It's not that she doesn't hear - I've had her hearing checked, and she hears my husband just fine (he never yells, literally). She listens to her teachers at preschool, too. She's generally a really great, well-behaved kid (I'm not just saying that because she's mine, lol).

So what is it? And is it a phase? Will she grow out of it? Anyone have any pointers on what I could do? I still feel new to parenting with *her* because I have never encountered these new things, so she and I are both learning.

[Sasharna]

She is probably just more comfortable and relaxed at home. I don't think it's just a phase. I think many adults still do this, especially those who have a rich and thoughtful interior life.

Most children will respond well to a soft voice or even a whisper, close up. Have you tried that?

Breaking the cycle is hard, when it comes to yelling. I am still working on not yelling... and I've got a spirited little boy who has never responded positively to my yelling. I was easily moved by a raised voice when I was a child, and when I'm under stress I keep slipping back into thinking it will work with my child! I see so many positive changes in our family as my yelling decreases though... this hard work is totally worth it. Good luck, mama.

[jgale]

Ugh. I could have written that post myself about my 5 year old. Sometimes I feel like he is waiting for me to yell. I feel so bad about it. I've tried telling him "I'm sorry I yelled. I get really frustrated when you don't respond when I ask you to do something," etc. It seems like he is fairly unphased by the yelling, but I came from a family of yellers and really hated it. I really want to stop.

[transylvania_mom]

I asked my son since he was little to tell me: mama, please don't yell at me, when I yell. So far the reminder works. I apologize and move on. Sometimes I have to try very hard not to justify my yelling, like: "sorry I yelled, but you MADE me do it by not putting your boots on/ not paying attention/ whatever".

I also try to look at the fact that he's pushing my buttons in a positive way: he trusts me enough to "test" me. I just continue to set limits or let him have it his way if it's not a major issue...

[Music-mommy]

I am working on this right now to avoid yelling... making sure I make eye contact and asking in a nice way for her to do what she needs to do. Or telling her it needs to be done. I am realizing that usually I end up yelling when I'm not taking the time to connect with her. Stop her in her tracks to make sure we are making eye contact before talking to her.

I think it's the same idea as what Gordon Neufeld refers to as "counterwill"... when we tell them to do something their instant reaction to it is "no"... which they do by ignoring us.

Anyway, I've found the last few weeks it works much better.. stop, make sure we have eye contact and that I'm on her level, talking to her, before asking her to do something.

Kind of like training a dog, if you yell "come here" 50 times the dog just learns that the first "come here" was not to be listened to so they can keep running away...

[mumkimum]

I have been trying to look at the things I end up yelling about the most - and am trying to realize that if THESE are the things that I am yelling about, they are more important for me to just find a way of doing than enforcing that my daughter will do them to prove any kind of point during which I feel a need to yell at her. (Of course I'm talking about a lot of stuff that falls under 'cleaning up' and this doesn't really help out with other issues like 'brushing teeth').

This doesn't take the place of encouraging her to help, which she still does. But sometimes I am just too overwhelmed and I get her re-occupied so I can spend 5-10 minutes by myself to take care of something. And then I'm in a frame of mind I can be patient again.

I've told her that it is always okay to ask me to stop yelling, and she does this, and it helps me to stop right away.