It takes a Village

[olivedo]

Anyone out there living in a multi generational home?
I need a tribe within the tribe.

I love the idea of my children getting the benefit of family. The problem of course is that this is 2009 and we do things differently these days.

I want to love this situation and bask in the benefit of another loving adult voice to nurture the children but I some days I can't get past the "old fashioned" ways.

[Engineering_Mama]

At the moment I am My mom moved in with us when I went back to work. She cares for DD while I'm gone. Before that my adult brother moved in with us. At first it was supposed to be temporary, while he looked for a job. Now I'm thinking of finishing the 3rd floor/attic so that eventually we can move him up there and DD into the room across the hall where he is now.

Right now this is really working for us. I have 100% reliable care for DD. My brother takes care of things around the house that DH and I don't have time for (building stuff, remodelling, home improvements, etc). Plus he cooks dinner for the family. While it may not be the norm now I think there are many benefits to a multi-generational household. I honestly don't know how DH and I would get everything done if it were just us. That being said, I can see how it would be a total disaster if all of you didn't get along.

[AngelBee]

We live with my mom and dad (who are divorced), my 21yr brother, my 26 yr sister, and my family which is myself, dh, ds9, dd7, ds4, dd2, and new baby girl arriving in April 2009

[jenneology]

I loved in a multigenerational home growing up and I found that in the months before leaving for college, it really began to mean something. I would make an effort to wake up and eat breakfast with my grandparents and mother before they went to work because I knew that the time left with them would be precious. My grandmother had a stroke 3 months after I left for college and never returned home, dying a year later. I'm glad I got that time with them and made the effort (and that no one was forcing me!).

My mother and I have discussed at length the possibility of her living with us and I would really like it. She's even volunteered to homeschool my kids. Everytime she or I look at houses or have a new location to consider, we look at the possibility of her moving in with us, and having the space to do it. It's a few years away at least. But we have a deal, when my grandpa dies, she'll leave her job and the city in which she's lived her whole life and come and live with us. We'll sell the house she is living in and together buy a house where she either gets a mother-in-law cottage or basement apartment. We looked into the possibility of doing that here in Seattle, but she was needed at her work and she wants to be close to her dad.

This summer, I am going to be doing the multigenerational thing again because I'll be staying the summer at the house that my mom and grandfather live in. And it will be four generations this time: grandpa, mom, me and two kiddos. My husband will be away and get to vist for a few days at a time and I know I couldn't handle the adjustment period with a newborn without either my mom or husband around. Last time I had both!

[Mamato3wild ponnie]

We live this way...my in laws live under us..or oyu can say we live up top...the house was built with a full kitchen and bath and 4 bedrooms down stairs and mil, fil, bro-inlaw live down stairs and we live upstairs..5 bedrooms up and a bathroom and huge living area...we all share a kitchen and dinning room...another bro-inlaw lives across the street and shares the downstairs bathroom and kitchen with us too. We live in MX and the bro-inlaw across the street with his wife and 3 kiddo's... has a one room house with no bathroom etc...so my kids run free 24/7..there is always someone around to keep an eye or ear out for the kids. The only draw back is who pays for the food? We have alot of people eating here...DP and I have figured that we buy food for our kids and his parents. Everyone else can fend for themselves or if there is any left over they are welcome to it. If we cook out we buy enough food for everyone. We cook out at least once a week.
I love that my children can pretty much run free all day...they will go for hours with out me having to check on them...play outside all day.
Fil..invested in 20+ egg laying hens...so we wont have to buy eggs..there diet consist of alot of eggs...hey at least they will be free now...of course it was harder for me to accept at first...all people living here that were inlaws...but mil is an awesome cook...so i really dont cook at all. That's the nice part...I would like a kitchen of my own one day.
My sister wants to come live with us...i'm still unsure about this...as she is freespirited and not used to being responsible...not sure how she would fit in here.
I could go on and on...

[LessTraveledBy]

Originally Posted by Engineering_Mama

My brother takes care of things around the house that DH and I don't have time for (building stuff, remodelling, home improvements, etc). Plus he cooks dinner for the family.

Wow... I wouldn't mind having your brother move in with us.

I don't belong here, although I think I may, some years from now when my mom gets older.

[mamaSun loveMore]

This is genius!

Yes we are living in a multigen situation, and I share your challenges in fully appreciating the awesomeness. :
DP, ds, dd and I live with my mother and soon my father again as well. In theory its an ideal arrangement, I mean who gives more loving childcare than grandma? But in practice I find there is often disharmony. Sometimes I feel my efforts at structure undermined, and my new approaches feel watched and judged. DP and I are sort of at our wits end with this to be honest. I'm sad that its not working out because I can already see us missing all the good stuff on the back end.
Are there any grandmas from multigen homes on MDC? Can we hear from some of you for perspective? ( I say gradnmas because in our situation, grandpa is usually very diplomatic and egalitarian, and also not home alot, whereas grandma is 'retired', but i'd love to hear from anyone in the older generation.)
Lets get talking!

[Mamato3wild ponnie]

I had to let go of any and all sense of structure here. Grandma gives ds cookies..ice cream...you name it...when ever he asks for it. However...is it worth the fuss to tell her no....NO i just let it be..MIL/FIL...pretty much dont speak up at all...they just let kids run and if anything major comes up...like someone's hurt or crying...then someone speaks up. But other than that...the kids are on their own. I think it's different for us because our house is so open...the kids play outside 350 days a year. They are never rarely inside...dont make messes..other than getting into the water hose and spraying down the chickens...little things like that. MIL still makes food for dp and all of us...she is the main cook and is ok with that....not having to many rules and just enjoying life has helped this work for us....just taking it one day at a time...eat when your hungry...not everyone sit down at the same time...etc.
Pitch in where you see someone needs help...it's worked for us thus far. I would love to hear from an older generation grandma though.

[TushasAmi]

Yay! I went to the FYT forum looking for this exact topic. I can't believe I found it so quickly...

Hubby is from Pakistan where multigenerational living is more the norm than the exception. He has one brother in the states and they decided that they wanted to carry on that tradition. Right now were are a household of eight: me, dh, dd(2), bil, sil (bil's wife), nephew(5), niece(3), and fil. My mil will join us as soon as the INS finishes processing her visa. Our house was built with our living situation in mind. We essentially have a 2 BR apt inside my bil and sil's house, but we generally hang out in the main part of the house where we have family dinner every night.

I love it! I was a little nervous at first because I am an only child who lived as a single adult for many years, but on the whole I think our situation is overwhelmingly positive. And not just for the money-saving, chore-sharing and child care benefits, although those are great. I think dh's family and I know each other better now than would after a lifetime of visiting every week. I feel like part of a true family that is always there to support and encourage each other through thick and thin. I love having my sil around to commiserate with about the ups and downs of marrying into this family. By far the best part is that my dd is surrounded every day by seven people that love her to bits. I wouldn't trade that for anything.

For me the biggest challenges are the parenting differences between me/dh and my bil/sil, the thermostat, and never being able to find anything because someone has moved it since I last saw it. I also think multifamily living has an effect on my marriage. At times dh and I sometime have to make a concerted effort to get some quality time together. Especially if we are in the middle of a tiff, it is easy to just talk to the rest of the family and escape talking to each other and dealing with the issue.

What is the response other people get about their multigenerational living? Most people are polite but say "Boy are you brave. I could never live with my in-laws!"

Glad to find this thread! I can't wait to hear everyone's stories!

[olivedo]

!

[olivedo]

Full House

Originally Posted by AngelBee

We live with my mom and dad (who are divorced), my 21yr brother, my 26 yr sister, and my family which is myself, dh, ds9, dd7, ds4, dd2, and new baby girl arriving in April 2009

You have a huge household! How's the dynamic? I think my siblings are too loud for me to live with them these days.

[olivedo]

Rules Schmules

Originally Posted by Mamato3wild ponnie

I had to let go of any and all sense of structure here. Grandma gives ds cookies..ice cream...you name it...when ever he asks for it. However...is it worth the fuss to tell her no....NO i just let it be..MIL/FIL...pretty much dont speak up at all...they just let kids run and if anything major comes up...like someone's hurt or crying...then someone speaks up. But other than that...the kids are on their own. I think it's different for us because our house is so open...the kids play outside 350 days a year. They are never rarely inside...dont make messes..other than getting into the water hose and spraying down the chickens...little things like that. MIL still makes food for dp and all of us...she is the main cook and is ok with that....not having to many rules and just enjoying life has helped this work for us....just taking it one day at a time...eat when your hungry...not everyone sit down at the same time...etc.
Pitch in where you see someone needs help...it's worked for us thus far. I would love to hear from an older generation grandma though.

We have similar situation with rules. We had an easy house before my dp's aunt who has never had her own children move in. We had extremely limited television (that is one educational show on Wed. evening and one cultural literacy show on Sunday evening). We had no candy, limited sugar intake, tons of outside time and early bedtime. Not strict rules but easy factors for us to control without limiting the children.
Well that all changed with introduction of additional generation. She loves chocolate and is always feeding it to the children. She has a tv in her room and has no trouble putting cartoons on and letting children up on her bed all afternoon.
I love her and her impression on the family is mostly positive. These are just fundamental issues we disagree on and I'm not sure how to approach it without piercing her thin skin.

[AngelBee]

Originally Posted by olivedo

You have a huge household! How's the dynamic? I think my siblings are too loud for me to live with them these days.

Honestly...it depends on the day

Dad, dh, brother, and mom work during the day. We are home and sister is sleeping.

2nd shift I work (kids go with me usually), mom works (again )

Sister works like 10-12 hour shifts 4pm-3am or so 3-4 times a week.

We are still having some issues regarding division of household duties and discipline of my children.

Otherwise, it is working ok. Not great yet.

[clothdipemomof2boy]

would love to join the thread right know we are living with my inlaws. my boys love it they get to see gammy and gampa and get to be with mommyand daddy as well.

[Rosehip]

Me! My kids & I live with my parents. I am in the process of divorcing. I forsee us living with my parents for at least the next 2-3 years, as I have returned to school. It's got its HUGE advantages, but also its trying moments for everyone. Eager to hear other experiences.

[olivedo]

Originally Posted by AngelBee

Honestly...it depends on the day

Dad, dh, brother, and mom work during the day. We are home and sister is sleeping.

2nd shift I work (kids go with me usually), mom works (again )

Sister works like 10-12 hour shifts 4pm-3am or so 3-4 times a week.

We are still having some issues regarding division of household duties and discipline of my children.

Otherwise, it is working ok. Not great yet.

I also have a discipline issue. It's great to have that older generation around, but traditionally her role has been to spoil the children. Under the same roof that doesn't work out very well, but now the trend is set and she is having a hard time balancing it. I want to help but she doesn't take suggestions well. I think it will all work out as time has a way of revealing wisdom.

[olivedo]

under the roof

Originally Posted by ToastyToes

Me! My kids & I live with my parents. I am in the process of divorcing. I forsee us living with my parents for at least the next 2-3 years, as I have returned to school. It's got its HUGE advantages, but also its trying moments for everyone. Eager to hear other experiences.

Hello, Welcome.
I have found that our trying moments come when there is a disagreement about "redirection" and before anything is discussed our older generation acts. Sometimes her version of how to handle a child is not in agreement with how we have decided to raise the children. It's hard to "fix" after the fact. I wish there was more talking in our house, more sharing of ideas.

[Mamato3wild ponnie]

I'm a bit tazzeled the past few days...as BIL/SIL allow their sick children to come to our house and infest it with virus's and germs...and then dont tell us the kids are sick....ugggg my ds(4) is sick again with croup...meaning the baby(4months) will get it any day...as we are tandem nursing...i'm praying my ninnie making powers will help protect the baby via antibodies...any how...i'm wishing more and more that we had our own kitchen up stairs...that way..well we could stay in our house and keep intruders away...I am so against lysol...but i had to pull it out a few nights ago and spay down ds's room...we use shaklee's but i didnt have the energy to wipe everything down...so i had to spray...BIL ds came over and coughed and coughed for hours....i was about to lose it...i finally made him go home...so fast forward a few days...my ds has croup for the 2nd time in 2 months...when house sharing/kitchen sharing you have no choice but to do just that...share...share space that you would kind of like to keep to your self....drink out of cups that only immediate family drink out of...just a little vent from a mama who was up all night with a sick child.

[lexmas]

Hey, I'm glad I found this thread, I'll have to actually read it not skim it when I get some time. My dad is currently in hospice, and after he dies we'll be moving in with my mom to take care of my grandma because my mom will have to go back to work for the health insurance. I don't know how that's going to go since I'm having a new baby in may and I'm worried about all the changes for DS. But hopefully it will go well, I think we'll get along just fine. I do feel kind of alone since everyone seems to think it's crazy moving back home, but I think it needs to be done, my mom wants us to move in. Anyway, just wanted to post to subscribe, I'll come back and read later!

[Engineering_Mama]

Just wanted to pop in and see how everyone is doing. Things are good at my multi-generational home, but things may change. My sister and her husband and baby are currently living in my mom's house, while she's living with us. They're (Sis & BIL) thinking of moving this summer so he can go to school in another city. At which point my mom will want to go back, because she doesn't want her house to be empty. Which I totally get and I understand and I don't blame her. But...it makes me sad I want her to stay. Yeah, part of it is I love having her take care of DD and not having to pay for daycare, but I also really love having her here. I like having my mommy. I like having another grown woman in the house to talk to. I love my DH, but some things he just doesn't get. I probably shouldn't get to worked up over it yet. Sis and BIL's plans change all the time. It may not even be an issue. I'll just have to wait and see.

Lexmas: Welcome! I don't think you're crazy at all. At one point when my mom was having a lot of health problems DH and I were seriously considering moving back home to take care of her. Things got better for her, but if they ever get bad again I really want her to live with us (that is if I can't convince her to just stay now).

Originally Posted by Anumaria

Wow... I wouldn't mind having your brother move in with us.

You'll have to stand in line. Several of our friends have requested him. We've started loaning him out on a day by day basis