angry about your own parents discipline on you?

[BeantownBaby9]

I am just wondering if any of you experienced/are experiencing the same post partum phenomenon that I am having. DS is 6mo and I am just starting to explore some of the topics that are going to come up, such as discipline. I had previously thought I would raise DS the way I was raised, where spanking was par for the course (this was back before I was pg, but now I am all for AP, and no way will I ever hit my son). But now, the issue is I look back at my childhood and I completely resent my parents for what they did. I examine my own ability to deal with issues, arguments, and my own feelings, and I don't deal with them well. In my house it was express your anger, get punished, bury your feelings, smile at the dinner table, all is fine by the next day. I was diagnosed as ADHD in high school, so looking back at the times where my parents had punished me or restrained me physically, I had just kind of assumed that was what was needed to keep me, the then undiagnosed and unmedicated kid, in line. Excusing their method for years to make myself feel like it was justified. Now I totally think that is wrong of me to justify their behavior, because I feel like they programmed me to use violence as an expression of anger and emotion. I see it if I argue with my DH or my parents, this rage builds up in me. All of these feelings about my own upbringing are bubbling to the surface now having had my son. So now, I am harboring this anger towards my parents, I am so hurt by how they disciplined me, and I feel like its inerfering in my relationship with them. Has anyone else experienced this ? And I totally fear of repeating their mistakes. I have had bad dreams where I am spanking Chase and I want to stop, but can't. Has anyone else had an upbringing very different from your AP/GD approach and how do you reconcile how you were taught versus how you want things to be?

[peainthepod]

I can totally relate to this. I don't know if you consider your parents abusive, per se, but mine were. My father's ultimate threat was to "whip us with a belt". His own father used to beat him with his fists and a leather strap, so I suppose my father thought that his abuse was acceptable by comparison.

My mother was spanked and spanked us for the smallest infractions. I vividly remember being five years old and getting paddled at school for being in the bathroom too long, and then coming home to get spanked by both parents as soon as I walked through the door. I had a lot of anger that I kept tightly suppressed all throughout my childhood, and I know the physical punishments were largely why.

I have a lot of trouble accepting my parents (there was a lot of emotional abuse there, as well) and have distanced myself from them as far as possible without completely cutting them off. They've never admitted that they were anything but perfect parents and have never validated or acknowledged their abuse of me, so I feel no emotional bond to them and I cannot and will not even consider hitting or verbally abusing my own child, no matter what. Therapy helps a lot with the resentment and anger I feel.

[JMJ]

I had to come to terms with that several years back, and I do hope that I've finished dealing with it and it doesn't come back up after I have this baby in a couple months. My dad did apologize, and that helps. I wrote a lot to kinda work through my feelings. I don't think they knew any better. That was what they thought they needed to do. I had a conversation with my mom a couple weeks ago, and got the hint that she's not sure that I'll be disciplining my kids enough (we were talking about baby-led weaning, not even discipline), though she's trying to respect me and my decisions. She kept telling me how resilient kids are, that they can take a lot of trauma and still be OK.

So, I'm an adult now. I've had to work hard at figuring out how to express what I feel instead of stuffing it, even if people won't like how I feel. I've decided that I can make my own decisions now about how I'm going to act, despite how I was raised. Habits can be overcome. I can see good things that my parents did that I want to emmulate and other things that I will never do. It doesn't have to be all black and white. I know I won't be perfect, but I will do the best I can, and maybe my kids can do even better with their kids. I want to give my kids the kind of discipline that helps them express themselves and grow as people to make good decisions on their own, not the kind that controls their every move.

[Deer Hunter]

My mother wonders why I have so much trouble expressing my feelings and talking about things. She wonders why I just let everything build up inside and then explode when it comes to a head. When it explodes, there is no chance of stopping me, and it gets pretty scary. My parents do not try to stop me when I blow up like that, either. They just let me run the course.

When I was a child, my mother acted like she had better things to do than listen to my problems. Her answers were always, "stop obsessing," "not right now because I'm busy," "stop with the nonsense," "it is not a big deal," and whatever else. Now, my mother wants to talk to me about things that are bothering me, but I feel it is too late for all that. I feel that she should have done it when I was growing up. I really love her because she did so much right, but this is one of the ways she faltered. Now, among other things, I need anger mannagement. I always vowed to listen to my children, or to any child, when i have them. Yes, things may be minute and completely stupid to you as the parent, but to the child, it is a very big deal, and it is important that they have your full attention. This is the lesson I've learned. My parents tell me I should not have any children because they do not want me to have the bad experiences they did, but what they fail to realize is that I sat back and watched them make mistakes, and i've learned that those mistakes I will not make.

[Paeta16]

I was just reading about this in Alfie Kohn's chapter "What holds us back" in Unconditional Parenting. I found myself nodding A LOT! We were also suppressors. If we even dared question our parents authority it was thrown back in our faces. "Get over it" was what I heard a lot of. I found that reading Alfie Kohn has opened my eyes about WHY I am inclined to parent in ways that I truly don't want to. It sucks b/c I feel like it is an uphill battle every day not to yell or say stupid things ...not just with parenting but with my spouse as well!

[sahmama_12]

I disagree with most of what my parents did. I try to raise my kids differently and I cringe when I hear my mother talking with my voice. I'm a work in progress.

What I've noticed is that both my parents and my ILs believe that children are somehow less than adults. You know must be obedient, seen not heard, etc. I've noticed that this continues into our adulthood. My parents and my ILs question every decision we make about jobs, parenting, really anything. They don't see us as adults with our own family: they still see their less than adult kids, and they don't give our opinion or plans any credence. I really think this has a lot to do with the authoriarian parenting style. So I try to raise my kids as people; real people, with valid thoughts, opinions and wishes even if they are contary to mine. I hope this will create a different dynamic with us when my children are older.