Do you often cringe at other's parenting? - Page 2

[amlikam]

I cringe - and cry at times... but I try to realize that at some point I will be faced with the true stresses of parenthood (right now I only have one who is just 7 months... so I am in the easy boat)

But I can't imagine ever saying "stop crying or I'll hit you" or "finish your food" (and there is a bowl of food bigger than I would eat intended for a child)

Spanking hurts me to think about- I come from an abusive home, and I would hope someone would call me out if they thought my parenting was inappropriate.

Sure I'd be p'd-off in the moment- but later when I reflect on it- I would hope I could see how they were right and I was wrong.. : I just hope I don't get to that point but if I do someone puts me in the time out I couldn't manage to give myself.

Reminds me of this summer when I went to the lake with my friend. We had stopped off at a store so she could look for some floaties. Well I told her I would stay in the car with the kids.

The windows were rolled down and we hear this woman talking in such an foul, profane and abusive manner I thought to myself "man if she was my wife I would divorce her!" Well imagine my distugst when I discover she isn't talkiung to her husband but really talking to her 5 yr daughter and 9 yr old son.

Oh it was just horrible the way she spoke to her children. Well I did the only thing I could do and stuck my head out the window and said- "oh excuse me you dropped some of your items" then turned up the radio (trying the whole redirection thing- which worked)

Well my DD who was 1mo at the time needed to nurse so I start nursing her- well the woman glances into the car and looks absolutely shocked and says "ugh some people!" and slams her truck door shut

I'm thinking to myself- what?!

[Caneel]

Originally Posted by Super Glue Mommy

i cringe at abuse (physical and emotional) and threats of abuse. I think these things should resignate negatively with us.

Agree.

Before I had DS, I wouldn't have even noticed what was happening between a parent and a child.

Now I see things that break me heart and let me tell you, I am no softy.

[Devaskyla]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

Not often. I'm usually too busy cringing at my own parenting to worry about the way others do things.

Me too. I want so much to be a better parent & I try so hard sometimes, but just get frustrated & lose it eventually. I don't call my kids names or hit them, but I have said stuff like 'settle the f*** down' in public after a really rough day. I don't think that makes me a horrible person or a bad parent, but obviously people disagree. My kids just continue to ignore me even then, so I'm pretty sure I'm not damaging them.

Once in awhile there is something I see that's so disturbing I can't forget about it, though. Like when ds2 was a baby & we were in Wal-mart. There was a mom & grandma with a newborn. A wailing newborn who obviously needed something. They pushed that crying baby all over the store in her car seat for at least half an hour, completely ignoring her.

[Magali]

Yes. My SIL is always talking about how she needs to "crack" my nephews good once in a while . I felt so rotten when I saw her slap my 10 year old nephew in the face, out of the blue, and even worse when she came up behind him and hit him on the back when he wasn't even looking or expecting a hit. I don't agree with physical punishment whatsoever, and those times I saw her lash out him unexpectedly have really made me lose a ton of respect and love for her.

[Deer Hunter]

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom

PLEASE tell me you ask the parent before offering something. What if the child is allergic? Or even if what you offer is contrary to what the parents want? How would many of us feel if some random stranger offered our children things we wouldn't consider letting them eat? I don't have any problem with intervening to stop a child being mistreated, but at the point where you touch a child or offer them something, I think that crosses the line.

Absolutely I do ask. That follows after I ask the parent if I can help them or after I say that I see that things are rough. I'm blunt yes, but I'm less impulsive than before. They may be the worse parent on the block, but I want to get my foot in the door by showing them respect, and asking if I could give their child something is respect. If they feel like I'm disrespecting them, it would ruin my chances of ever educating them or engaging them in conversation, which is the whole goal. So, yes I absolutely do ask, as I'd like that done for me also.

I am from the south, and my father's family is from the south, so we see nothing wrong with outwardly helping like that and being hospitable. This may sound totally strange to you, but we hug the neighborhood children here all the time. People come up and talk to you about random things. Things are just more friendly here. A lot of us still have the open door policy, and we are all eager to share. People in the north, though, think you are strange just for saying hi to a kid just because it isn't yours or saying hi and being nice to a passer-by on the street. One person thought I had another motive all because I was being nice to him. I calmly explained that I liked being nice to people because it makes me feel good, and that settled it. I'm guessing it is all regional?

My BF and several of my friends who were born and raised up north want me to move up there with them. I don't think it would ever work because everything is so different--attitudes, people, lifestyle, and the like. I think I'd have a severe culture shock. While I have numerous friends who were born and raised up north, and while I can get along with people from multiple regions, and even countries, I myself could not live there. It is a nice place to visit though, but I do really stick out like a sore thumb with my southern draw and my demeanor that some would perceive to be overly friendly.

With the parents consideration in mind, I take the following precautions:

1. I ask the parent if I can give the child the drink/snack/toy or whatever is in my bag. I've never had a refusal. Most people in town know me as the lover of children. I have that reputation, so they almost expect it now.
2. All drinks, snacks, and candy are sealed, and I allow the parent to see this for themselves for their reassurance. I'd also want this done to me, especially if someone randomly offers my child something. This is where I absolutely understand parents wanting to be cautious, as they have to be sure everything is safe.
3. To answer another concern you raised, and a very good one at that, I always ask if the child is alergic. I'd hate to be responsible for the death of a child or a serious reaction.

Thanks for responding to my post. I always love your challenges/comments. It makes things interesting and puts some life into the discussion. Take care.

[StarMom2]

I was a much better "parent" before I was one. Now that I am struggling to be a good mom every day, I realize I have little right to critisize others. I realize how hard it is and I think the vast majority of parents honestly want to do the best they can for their kids. We can't expect perfection, only offer grace.

[Tangled Hill]

Originally Posted by poxybat

oh god yes i cringe.
i cringe unapologetically.

the library is the worst place here, i saw one year old twins being slapped and yelled at. they werent even doing anything except trying to play with my youngest dd.

ive had less than stellar moments in public myself but i welcome others to cringe and notice theyre less than stellar parenting moments. i wouldnt want others making excuses for me and by extension my less than stellar behaviours.

admitting it is a problem is the first step to making sure we dont do these things.

:

[Deer Hunter]

Originally Posted by Devaskyla

Me too. I want so much to be a better parent & I try so hard sometimes, but just get frustrated & lose it eventually. I don't call my kids names or hit them, but I have said stuff like 'settle the f*** down' in public after a really rough day. I don't think that makes me a horrible person or a bad parent, but obviously people disagree. My kids just continue to ignore me even then, so I'm pretty sure I'm not damaging them.

Once in awhile there is something I see that's so disturbing I can't forget about it, though. Like when ds2 was a baby & we were in Wal-mart. There was a mom & grandma with a newborn. A wailing newborn who obviously needed something. They pushed that crying baby all over the store in her car seat for at least half an hour, completely ignoring her.

Oh, that makes my blood boil, too. I've talked about that many times on here--mothers who blatenly ignore their crying babies just to continue a conversation or to shop. People can take a break and find out what is wrong, not let it scream its lungs out. So sad. I hope that someone will have mercy on them when their old, dependent, and cannot speak. I'm careful how I treat others because from personal experience, I KNOW it comes back on you.

[Sheal]

Originally Posted by Sasharna

Sort of. I guess I will echo the PP in a way.

The other day I saw an adult demanding that a child with autism look her in the face while talking. The adult's voice was very gentle and it seemed very likely that she was doing something she believed to be correct and beneficial.

I find this interesting...

I have an autistic child who is also neurologically deaf. I need her to see my mouth moving and hands moving for her to understand what I'm saying. Not all autistic people are low functioning either as you seem to describe this child in this situation. Seeing and knowing are two different things.

It saddens me that people just assume before actually having the facts. If that had been me and my daughter would you have assumed the same thing as I signed a simple universal look here at me hand gesture and spoke to her to look at me while I tried to talk to her as best as I can under her unique circumstances? The description I just gave you looks like any other parent with a hearing and "normal" child trying to get the child's attention...am I to think that I am being judged or assumed about because of this?

[weliveintheforest]

Originally Posted by Deer Hunter

One person thought I had another motive all because I was being nice to him. I calmly explained that I liked being nice to people because it makes me feel good, and that settled it. I'm guessing it is all regional?

I think this is a big over generalization. Maybe I'm being defensive as someone from the north, but I do not think people are nice, and friendly, in some parts of the USA and not nice in others. Maybe it's more of a small town vs city thing, or maybe its just the individuals you are meeting.

[UUMom]

I have cringed at myself more. My dh says I cut other people far mroe slack than I do myself. It's hard to be all that you want to be sometimes. You're tired the kids are tired...you try and keep the blood sugars up, but sometimes things get away from us.

My own mother has apoligized to me for things I don't even remember happening. I just hope that will be true for my own kids.

[Sasharna]

Originally Posted by Sheal

It saddens me that people just assume before actually having the facts.

It isn't clear to me whether or not you continued reading past the few sentences you quoted (from my first post), but perhaps I simply didn't communicate very well. If the latter is the case, I'm sorry.

Whatever the cause, the impression you've gotten is fairly close to the opposite of what I was trying to say. I was attempting to point out that, while my initial reaction was to feel sad at what I saw, I also know that I cannot know the full story and I do not feel comfortable judging those kinds of situations.

However, I am only one person and my thoughts--kind or unkind--are a mere drop in the bucket. I have no doubt that there are plenty of people out there who will be judging your actions harshly when you are out in public (along with my actions and everybody else's). And yes... I think that's very sad. It's definitely a part of reality that I have a tough time accepting.

[VroomieMama]

Originally Posted by AllyRae

I usually only cringe when I see people hitting their kids in public. But today, I cringed at something far less than that. This mom and her kid (maybe 10 years old?) were in a waiting room and the mom kept yelling at her kid to do his homework. He said he couldn't figure it out and needed help so the mom told him "just do it...make something up". So the kid did and the mom said "that answer is wrong. Fix it". The kid asked why it was wrong and the mom said "it just is. Now fix it" and the kid started crying that he couldn't figure out the right answer. She just kept telling him to do it, and never helped him. I cringed at that because the poor kid just wanted help.

This is something that really bothers me too when I see some of my deaf friends treating their children the same way. I have butted in and told those mothers that she was being rude and she should have at least tried to help with their kids' homework. I mean, if I was not deaf and was able to hear like the rest of you, and heard this at any public setting, I would be upset but I doubt I would approach the mother and confront it but I definitely would give the mother the disgusted look.

[Hazelnut]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

Not often. I'm usually too busy cringing at my own parenting to worry about the way others do things.

lol. Yep. I'm aware that people do things very differently. I usually only cringe if it's really really egregious, mean spirited- esp. if the parent appears calm (IOW they're not necessarily under stress, in the grocery line with three kids, etc.)
You never know how they really got to the point they got. Sometimes I set strict limits with my kids b/c it got to the point where we had to do x y or z. I would have thought it sounded nuts years ago if i heard it.

ETA: However, I will also admit that the "pushing around a crying newborn in a store while shopping" thing really does make me cringe. I don't get that at all.

[VroomieMama]

Originally Posted by Sheal

I find this interesting...

I have an autistic child who is also neurologically deaf. I need her to see my mouth moving and hands moving for her to understand what I'm saying. Not all autistic people are low functioning either as you seem to describe this child in this situation. Seeing and knowing are two different things.

It saddens me that people just assume before actually having the facts. If that had been me and my daughter would you have assumed the same thing as I signed a simple universal look here at me hand gesture and spoke to her to look at me while I tried to talk to her as best as I can under her unique circumstances? The description I just gave you looks like any other parent with a hearing and "normal" child trying to get the child's attention...am I to think that I am being judged or assumed about because of this?

I was wondering if you're willing to take up ASL (american sign language) classes to communicate with your child to make it easier for you and your child so that your child don't have to feel uncomfortable making eye contact with you but can see what you're signing.

I'm saying this because I'm deaf and if a hearing person tried to make me to lipread the person's lip, I'd turn defensive and ignore the person.

[Ruthie's momma]

I cringe...and, I judge...despite trying to avoid being judgemental. But, when I see a parent do something that is so obviously wrong, how can I not judge?

I have been witness to only one event that was serious enough to be unabashadly judgemental. I was able to stop and stare at the mother/perpetrator long enough that she noticed me and immediately began laughing and playing with her child (in an attempt to mitigate what she had done?). I was in Target, doing a last minute Christmas wrapping paper run, when I saw a mother yell at her young babe (he was sitting in an infant car seat, in the shopping cart), "If you don't stop crying, I am going to hit you!" She yelled this so loudly, that several people heard her. Based on her response to my stares, and the stares of others, I can only hope that this woman happened to be caught during an extremely difficult moment of parenting. And, this was not her typical response to her child.

Otherwise, I get very irked when I hear any child crying and being ignored. I don't believe any crying child, be they a week old or 7 years old, should be dismissed. I don't want my cries to go unnoticed. And, I am an adult with well developed coping skills.

I fully understand that I am catching a mere glimpse of any parent-child relationship, when in public. But, I can't help but wonder; if some parents are willing to yell at or ignore the cries of their children in public (for all to see), than what might they be willing to do in privacy?!?!

[VroomieMama]

Deer Hunter, I ADMIRE you and I wish there are a million of more people like you. I know that if we ever cross path and you seeing me saying/doing things to my daughter that is harmful, I would be upset at first when you stepped in but then I'd eventually thank you for it. Keep on what you're doing!

[PlayaMama]

Originally Posted by poxybat

oh god yes i cringe.
i cringe unapologetically.

the library is the worst place here, i saw one year old twins being slapped and yelled at. they werent even doing anything except trying to play with my youngest dd.

ive had less than stellar moments in public myself but i welcome others to cringe and notice theyre less than stellar parenting moments. i wouldnt want others making excuses for me and by extension my less than stellar behaviours.

admitting it is a problem is the first step to making sure we dont do these things.

Originally Posted by VroomieMama

Deer Hunter, I ADMIRE you and I wish there are a million of more people like you. I know that if we ever cross path and you seeing me saying/doing things to my daughter that is harmful, I would be upset at first when you stepped in but then I'd eventually thank you for it. Keep on what you're doing!

and, keeping this on discussion. sure, we all have our moments, but you know what, i have NEVER told my child i would f--- them up and if i did i would hope that i would drop to my knees and beg forgiveness. not utter it day after day after day after day in my front yard or in my house loud enough for the entire neighborhood to comment on it.

i will admit that i wish that woman had more resources. yes her kids are clean and fed. does that excuse her from being emotionally abusive. nope. and i think that if she were to admit it, she'd be able to get help, but very obviously, she sees nothing wrong with it.

so, yeah, i cringe.

[umsami]

When it's physical abuse or threat of physical abuse, yes, absolutely I cringe.

When I hear parents swearing at their children, I cringe.

When I hear parents say that they hate their children or don't love them, I cringe.

But I also cringe thinking back over some of the things I've said or done.

[lalaland42]

Not usually, but every once in a while I do. I remember at a Renaissance festival, a little boy ~3 poked DD with a wood sword in the back. Not hard, but the mom should've dealt with it. But the mom grabbed the boy and swung her hand as far back as possible to hit him in the rear end pretty hard. I audibly gasped and looked shocked and she stopped before making contact. (Thank goodness)

Most of the time though I think about my less than stellar parenting moments and move on.

Originally Posted by Hazelnut

lol. Yep. I'm aware that people do things very differently. I usually only cringe if it's really really egregious, mean spirited- esp. if the parent appears calm (IOW they're not necessarily under stress, in the grocery line with three kids, etc.)
You never know how they really got to the point they got. Sometimes I set strict limits with my kids b/c it got to the point where we had to do x y or z. I would have thought it sounded nuts years ago if i heard it.

ETA: However, I will also admit that the "pushing around a crying newborn in a store while shopping" thing really does make me cringe. I don't get that at all.

When DD was brand new, I was in pain for the first month or so and I had to do my shopping with her in the cart. I don't remember her crying but she prolly did.