Do you often cringe at other's parenting? - Page 5

[octobermom]

Originally Posted by Paeta16

Esp. when you overhear them talking to or disciplining their kids?

I don't say anything but it often makes me cringe when I hear the things some parents say to their little kids.

For instance, the other day a mom was trying to get her daughter's hair brushed and said "People will laugh at you if you don't let me brush your hair!"

I just find it so sad when I hear things like that.

Some moments are soo out of place yes but over all no. Any typical morning you could here me saying these exact wors to my DD even in a tired sounding condecending voice but if you knew our whole back ground you would know its a playful joke DD and I have. She'd follow it with yes they will say look she has PICKLE hair (some other made up funny in her mind phrase).

Deanna

[ShadowMoon]

I work at a zoo so I've witnessed many cringe worthy moments. It amazes (and saddens) me to watch many of these parents and their children interact. On a daily basis I see children yelled at, talked down to,hurried along, not listened to, or completely ignored. You would think a zoo outing is supposed to be enjoyed for the child's benefit. *sigh* (There are alot of exceptions to these however and I am certainly prone to cringe worthy moments myself).

[Super Glue Mommy]

I was in the grocery store the other day and I saw a mom and her kids. she was asking the girl to get something off the shelf and every time she got the wrong one the mom said "no" in a very mean voice as if the girl were stupid - but was very nice once the girl picked the right item.

I couldn't help but think that it wasn't all bad, but that simply being nicer about helping her figure out the right item would have changed it to a much better experience for the girl. Seems like the kind of thing that would create feelings of uncertainty and fear of leadership, where as helping the child nicely find the right item would have IMO taught her that she can do anything if she doesn't give up.

I also saw a mom standing at a busy intersection with a 2-3 year old, not holding the childs hand. now, my children NEVER run off from me, but I still hold their hands at busy intersections if we are walking. worse off, this parent was ignoring the child as I watched the little girl make several attempts to "connect" by showing her mom things and her mom didn't even look at her.

what it comes down to is, yes it makes me cringe, yes maybe im taking it out of context. thats why I dont say anything to them. I have my opinion on what I saw as I saw it and I'm sure others have opinions of me about what they saw as they saw it. It doesn't bother me what people think in that way. I just look at it in a "I wouldn't do that" kind of way (and I haven't - but maybe I have done OTHER things that set examples for other parents for things that they wont do with their own children) The parents doing it may not notice it but its not a big enough deal for me to point it out. If I see a parent hitting a child I do speak up though. that does more then make me cringe.

[kalisis]

You know, I'm so much more understanding now that I'm a single, work outside the home mom who is often tired and rushed and barely hanging on by a thread. I am often not at my best at the end of the day or when we're sick and all have to go to the dr's office (for a visit I know I can't really afford) or after a long weekend of worrying about whether their dad will abduct them again and I'll have to go through days and days of court proceedings to see my children again that costs me a ton of money I don't have.

I wish I was the perfect parent, the perfect person, the perfect whatever. But, I'm not. I'm just a mom, trying to do my best every single moment of the day and often, I fall far short of my own high standards. Unfortunately, that's what my kids get - a mom who is busting her butt to make the best life she can for them away from an abusive, controlling husband and it's not always pretty.

I do not condone any kind of violence toward children and I believe that spanking/hitting/cursing are inexcusable. I have said something to a mother who was spanking her 4 or 5 year old son. I stand up for what I believe is right.

But, I've more often than not, especially lately, been on what many would consider the "bad" end of the spectrum and I'm sure that if there were any moms in my hometown on MDC, they'd be here, kabitzing about what a bad parent I was. At the end of the day, I am accountable only to myself and my kiddos and I have to make peace with the mistakes I have made and I pray that my children will forgive me for the harsh words or lack of patience I sometimes display.

And I would hope that other moms would give me the benefit of the doubt and just for a second, dwell on the fact that I might be tired and overworked and scared to death and that doesn't always translate into the best of parenting.

[lovingmommyhood]

People in glass houses...

[Super Glue Mommy]

..shouldn't throw stones

and neither should people in brick houses or any other kind of house for that matter.

I think that making a judgement on things as they appear to be (not on the person) has helped me as a parent though. It gives me an outsider veiw of interactions between adult and child. I can see how the child responds to some things, I can see how some words/actions could possibly be hurtful. It makes me explore myself as a parent and ask myself how *I* would like to hand similar situations, so I can make an effort in that direction if I am ever in the same situation.

I am sure the lady at the grocery store who asked me if I cut grapes for my DD who was eating grapes didn't think I was being very responsible. instead of being rude of defensive or "oh don't judge me!" I sought out more info and decided I SHOULD be cutting grapes still at this age as an extra safety precaution and now that is what I do.

When I saw the girl at the corner with her mom I thought - I should make sure to continue to hold my child's hand even though they don't run into the street just in case. I thought, if my child wants my attention, especially if I'm not busy, I should pay attention to them. It would be hurtful if someone blatantly ignored me, and I don't want to do that to my children. Now, perhaps this women is very aware, and would grab and stop her child if she tried to run. Perhaps she didnt hear her DD trying to get her attention. I dont know. im not judging *her, I am just observing her and her DD's interactions and deciding that ideally that is not something I would like to do myself. Same for the mom in the grocery store who appeared to be talking down to her child. maybe she wasnt. I wasnt judging her, I was judging (if thats the word you want to use) the way things appeared so I could ask myself what I would do differently, what I think would be best for my children. Is she a bad mom because it looked like she talked down to her child?No. Even if she WAS talking down to her child, would that make her all bad? No (but her actions wouldnt be good in that scenario), but I think it makes me a better *me* (in comparison to myself and my potential, not in comparison to her) for me to notice that and decide "I will make an effort to be encouraging of my children, not talk down to them"

Yes I am judging actions as they appear. not the person. and not because I want to feel like I am better then them, but because I want to learn ways to be a better version of myself. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with that. What would I gain from making excuses for a person I don't even know and am not ever going to talk to? "maybe this, maybe that, maybe its not as it appears" I already realize that. but I don't care how it appears and how it really is. What I'm focused on is "if it were really as it appears, what would I want to do differently in that scenario that would make me feel good about my choices?" and what I would do in the scenario, very well might make another parent cringe and ask themselves the same question. so be it. they can learn from me what they think would work best for their family the same way I can learn from others what might work best for my family.

While I personally would NEVER butt in unless a child was being physically hurt, I personally don't mind when other people butt in with me. Truthfully, I do feel offensive at first. but in the end, its only ever helped me. To reevaluate and find out - you know what they are right (like the grape thing) or to find out - actually, I was right about what I did. its a shame they don't know more about xyz (babywearing comes to mind).

some comments are annoying... to be honest though it gives me something to vent about later and let off some steam. probably what is bothering me isn't even really that comment but something else. I am then able to figure out what has really been under my skin lately. better that I get irritated by a strangers comment and it comes out that way then get irritated with my children or husband or friends.

So, while I may not "call someone out on it" when I make my "judgements" because I realize it may not be as it seems, I am not offended (in the long term) if someone says something to me. initially defensive, yes, but in the end I think its a good thing. and I think its good I can learn more about what I would like to do in a situation by looking at the way something appears, instead of excusing the behavior with a long list of what ifs. I'm sure one of the what if's are right, but it doesnt help anyone grow as a parent if thats how I think. If I think what I would do different, it helps me grow as a parent.

so, I'll keep carrying my stones around... my little rock collection... but no matter what kind of home I live in I don't throw them (at least not at other people) but maybe I'll throw them against a tree in my backyard or something. no harm done to them.

[Janelovesmax]

I used to cringe when my baby was an infant and I read all these parenting books and thought that I know how to discipline correctly, what to do and what not to do.
Well, my DS is 3 1/2 and I have done/said so many things I wish I haven't done or said when it comes to discipline, that I don't dare to cringe at anything anymore.

[Super Glue Mommy]

I cringe at myself when I do things I wish I hadn't - then I look for a better way I don't think there is anything wrong with saying "I wish I handled that different" and then working towards doing so in the future. or to look at someone else and say "I think I would prefer to do it xyz way if I were in those shoes" which prepares you for when you are in those shoes. while you may still fall short when that time comes, you started off one step closer then where you would "ideally" like to be. so then when you "fall short" you just pick yourself back up and say "okay, that didnt work, what should I try next time? what might work instead?"

I guess I take the route of constant self growth (because MAN DO I NEED IT!) instead of constantly excusing myself. I wouldn't say I'm hard on myself. I forgive myself, I do have some regrets, but mostly I just use these "cringe worthy" experiences as a chance to grow as a person. (whether I'm cringing at my own actions, or the way other peoples actions appear - knowing full well it might not be that way - but why focus on what excuse or reason there may be when I can focus on what *I* think would be a better approach (for *my* family) that I could use if ever in that same situation.

[PlayaMama]

i've been thinking about this a lot lately and what i've come up with is this:

when i do things that negatively affect my children i am a bad mom. when others do things that negatively affect their children they are bad parents too.

it doesn't mean that i am a bad mom all the time, in fact, i'm probably only stressed out enough to be a bad mom about 5% of the time and the rest of the time i'm a darn good mom!

it's still there and to justify it or say i'm doing the best i can is fine, it may even be the truth, but it certainly doesn't make it excusable for me to negatively impact my children's mental or physical well-being. and i think that if we continue to excuse it that we are just perpetuating the problem.

i can still strive to be better and so can everyone else. there's nothing stopping any of us from being better parents.

[bigeyes]

I always hope they're coming here later to post in the parenting and rage thread, or to start a thread of their own about what an awful day they had and how bad they feel about it.

I've had a couple of incidents I wish I could erase.

But there are sometimes things outsiders can't understand. Our therapist unlocked something that had never occurred to me with dsd when she was having 'accidents' in public all the time and causing huge scenes that sometimes culminated in store managers bringing her a wheelchair and people offering to call an ambulance. We had a couple of trips to the ER and several scares in addition to the things we saw through when the therapist told us she was trying to recreate the constant trips to the hospital her bio-mom had due to all her suicide attempts when dsd was very small and didn't have a clear understanding of what was happening.

The only way we could handle this was to reassure onlookers that she was fine, and tell her to get up and stop the hysterics. I'm sure we looked perfectly awful to anyone who didn't know what was going on, and it was very embarrassing at times, but after a few months the incidents stopped completely.

I'm much more embarrassed about the times I lost it and yelled at home. I really don't care about a bunch of strangers, yk? It's having to face the people you see every day after you've been a perfect @$$ that is the worst, imo, and knowing you've said something they'll carry around forever no matter how many times you say you're sorry.

I think those of us from dysfunctional families know how damaging that is, and have to work the hardest not to repeat our parent's mistakes, even though you'd think it would be easy to avoid them.

[Hazelnut]

I'm much more embarrassed about the times I lost it and yelled at home. I really don't care about a bunch of strangers, yk? It's having to face the people you see every day after you've been a perfect @$$ that is the worst, imo, and knowing you've said something they'll carry around forever no matter how many times you say you're sorry.

That's a very good point, and I agree.
Even though I do see stuff that I think is cringe-worthy, it's so true that there are so many situations that outsiders just wouldn't get.

[Super Glue Mommy]

Originally Posted by PlayaMama

i've been thinking about this a lot lately and what i've come up with is this:

when i do things that negatively affect my children i am a bad mom. when others do things that negatively affect their children they are bad parents too.

it doesn't mean that i am a bad mom all the time, in fact, i'm probably only stressed out enough to be a bad mom about 5% of the time and the rest of the time i'm a darn good mom!

it's still there and to justify it or say i'm doing the best i can is fine, it may even be the truth, but it certainly doesn't make it excusable for me to negatively impact my children's mental or physical well-being. and i think that if we continue to excuse it that we are just perpetuating the problem.

i can still strive to be better and so can everyone else. there's nothing stopping any of us from being better parents.

ITA with this, obviouisly lol - but not so much that you are a bad mom just that us good moms sometimes do bad things.

Originally Posted by bigeyes

I always hope they're coming here later to post in the parenting and rage thread, or to start a thread of their own about what an awful day they had and how bad they feel about it.

I've had a couple of incidents I wish I could erase.

But there are sometimes things outsiders can't understand. Our therapist unlocked something that had never occurred to me with dsd when she was having 'accidents' in public all the time and causing huge scenes that sometimes culminated in store managers bringing her a wheelchair and people offering to call an ambulance. We had a couple of trips to the ER and several scares in addition to the things we saw through when the therapist told us she was trying to recreate the constant trips to the hospital her bio-mom had due to all her suicide attempts when dsd was very small and didn't have a clear understanding of what was happening.

The only way we could handle this was to reassure onlookers that she was fine, and tell her to get up and stop the hysterics. I'm sure we looked perfectly awful to anyone who didn't know what was going on, and it was very embarrassing at times, but after a few months the incidents stopped completely.

I'm much more embarrassed about the times I lost it and yelled at home. I really don't care about a bunch of strangers, yk? It's having to face the people you see every day after you've been a perfect @$$ that is the worst, imo, and knowing you've said something they'll carry around forever no matter how many times you say you're sorry.

I think those of us from dysfunctional families know how damaging that is, and have to work the hardest not to repeat our parent's mistakes, even though you'd think it would be easy to avoid them.

I totally understand this point of view. I came from a family like that and so did DH and its very hard not to repeat mistakes, and it happens. you have to forgive yourself. I, like you, really don't care what strangers think. I am so sorry your dsd went through that and for the stress it must have caused your whole family during those episodes. It may have looked aweful to others, but who cares? you knew what was right and what was really going on and perhaps there are onlookers (like me) who aren't standing there judging you but rather thinking to themselves what they would do in that situation (that situation as it appears, not as it actually is) and perhaps you helped them grow as a parent because of them seeing that ya know? as for being embarrassed what I do when things go less then perfect is remind myself that it happens to EVER parent. I know when I see a parent with a tantrumming child I think back to that day at the mall with DD or that time at the water park with DS1 and I think - thank god its not my turn! and when it was my turn I was thinking - this is okay. its just my turn to be "that person" today. It's not a reflection of my parenting. that kind of thinking, while the situation was still hard, did help me.

People are going to judge. it happens. we can't change the way they judge. maybe some ladies here never judge and just try to be compassionate. if im going to talk to the person I'd be compassionate, but if im biting my tongue I tend to just look at it and think what approach I could use if it were me that would work for *my* family and respect *my* values.

Had I witnessed what you described I would have imagined what to do in that situation as it appeared. who knows what I would do in that situation as it really was, but I still would have gained something from witnessing it. of an outsider, I obviously wouldn't "get it" but it would still help me as a parent. hope that makes sense. FTR what you described isnt the kind of thing that I would cringe at anyway, but even if a person does cringe at it, so what! like you said, they couldn't possibly understand! but maybe they can walk away with an idea how they would handle what they perceived the situation to be, in a way that suits their family.

I guess I just see my own embarrassing cringe worthy moments as educational for myself and bystanders alike, just in different ways. perhaps this approach just saves my sanity in the way thinking up reasons or excuses may save the sanity of other mothers here. we all have a different way to deal - but I don't think just because someone "judges" a situation as it appears that it means they are trying to be high and mighty - though, im sure some are - but those people don't matter either. no one does. we all just need to worry about our own families. some people don't do that. and some people do that by thinking up reasons, and some people do that by thinking how they would do things differently...

(hugs) for all your family went through.

[Magella]

Originally Posted by PlayaMama

when i do things that negatively affect my children i am a bad mom. when others do things that negatively affect their children they are bad parents too.

I disagree. When you do something that negatively affects your child, you are not a "bad mom." You are a human mom, who has done something that negatively affects your child. You may indeed need to change, you may indeed need to admit it hurt your child, it may be accurate to say that what you did was wrong. But you are not a bad mother. And other parents I encounter who do things I think are hurtful to their kids are also not bad parents. They, like I, are muddling through life and parenting doing the best they can given their lifetime of (and immediate) circumstances, information, and skills.

[AutumnAir]

I think most of the cringing I did was before I became a parent!

Now, even though my DD is only 13 months old, I've already done and said things I always swore I would never do. But I've also, in many ways, been a better parent than I would have thought I would be too.

The best parent in the world does things they're not proud of when circumstances get beyond their control. Try dealing with extreme sleep deprivation, illness in yourself and child, family problems and yada yada other stuff and there are times when you'll snap and say or do something that you'll regret the next instant.

The other thing I try to keep in mind is that not everybody sees things the way that I do. Another more 'traditional' parent could very well look at me, APing, BFing (ENing now I guess, lol!), BWing and all that stuff and 'cringe' at my bad parenting, because they genuinely believe that kids need 'tough love' or to be independent, or whatever. I do the best I can for my child by my standards and with the information and resources I have, and they do the same for their child too. The type of parenting might be totally opposite, but the intent is good in both cases.

[Whistler]

This has been an interesting thread. Like many on here, I find myself cringing less and less and I have had my many moments!

The thing that most makes me cringe is parents ignoring their children. It drives me nuts, especially when their children are pushing MY children down in the playplace like happened tonight. GRRRR!!!

It seems to me that I seldom hear parents yell at their children, I NEVER see parents hit in public. It just isn't done here they way I guess it still is in the south. I rarely hear parents swear at their children. I do see a lot of good parenting out there. But the thing that really bothers me is when someone's child is rude or aggressive to my child and the parent doesn't even TRY to do anything about it. If they notice at all, they might half-heartedly yell across the playground, "Don't push!" and then go back to their laptop or their conversation. There is no teaching, no interaction, no manners. I find that frustrating.

it is something different entirely if a child pushes or hits and the parent is there working with them.... be it whatever style they use. At least they are trying to teach.

[Super Glue Mommy]

oh man, swearing! yeah we here a lot of yelling and swearing here. I once had to go out my front door and tell a mom to keep it down (she was yeling for about 20 minutes at her kids sitting outside who I guess missed the bus for school.

And cursing - my last neighbors used to be the "give a millions warnings, then threaten to hit" and used to yell thing such threats across the apartment complex - saying things like "I'm going to f'in hurt you" (but using the actual word). it was very sad

whatever they were doing wasn't working. I know kids get into trouble no matter what but with these kids it was constant. stealing from k-mart (bit items too? and at 12yo!) and taking all these little things out of the air conditioners all around the apt. complex that makes them work so no one had air conditioning. they also threw away their school clothes once and then said they saw a bum steal their laundry. and the grafitti... the list goes on. very public too, like if you said "how are you" it was "I had to ground my son for xyz"

a lot of people called them "bad kids" but I just saw kids who needed some love and discipline (without violence)

[Super Glue Mommy]

oh man, swearing! yeah we here a lot of yelling and swearing here. I once had to go out my front door and tell a mom to keep it down (she was yeling for about 20 minutes at her kids sitting outside who I guess missed the bus for school.

And cursing - my last neighbors used to be the "give a millions warnings, then threaten to hit" and used to yell thing such threats across the apartment complex - saying things like "I'm going to f'in hurt you" (but using the actual word). it was very sad

whatever they were doing wasn't working. I know kids get into trouble no matter what but with these kids it was constant. stealing from k-mart (bit items too? and at 12yo!) and taking all these little things out of the air conditioners all around the apt. complex that makes them work so no one had air conditioning. they also threw away their school clothes once and then said they saw a bum steal their laundry. and the grafitti... the list goes on. very public too, like if you said "how are you" it was "I had to ground my son for xyz"

a lot of people called them "bad kids" but I just saw kids who needed some love and discipline (without violence)

[ginadc]

I'm definitely cringeworthy as often as I'm cringing, these days...

While I understand the need people feel to help out, I have to echo PPs who have said they would be frustrated by "interventions." I'm not talking about situations of clear abuse, of course--but it drives me absolutely bonkers when some well-meaning person tries to "intervene" when we're out and about having "issues."

We have friends who do this, actually. They are very kind and sweet people, but they overstep sometimes. Their son is in day care with our DD (both 3yo), and we are often at events or out to play together. More than once, when my DD has had a tantrum or otherwise been acting out, one of her friend's parents will say, "Oh, A, do you want a snack?" and start to get one out for her. I know they're trying to redirect her and calm her down, but our approach is not to reward tantrums by offering treats. (I may try to prevent one by making sure I offer snacks early on before behavior gets out of hand, but once you start throwing fits, you don't get a cookie to try to convince you to stop.)

It frustrates me because they don't ask me--they just start to offer, and then I have to say, "No, we don't reward A for having a tantrum" --and the fact that she's not getting a treat then can make the tantrum worse.

[BugMacGee]

I'm sure I've been the subject of cringing. Especially at the store. Frick, it's difficult and frustrating to shop with my girls at their current ages (2.5 and 5). And I have to. I have no choice but to take them or we don't eat. AND, it's almost always after work so I'm tired.

My fellow shoppers don't have the benefit of seeing what goes on the other 99% of my life. Just that my kids are trying to kill themselves by standing up in the cart, run the cart into giant pyramids of wine, pinch each other, grab sweets off the shelves, announce they have to go potty in a busy check-out line etc.

I try to have a little sympathy, because I truly believe we've all had those moments.

[Elizabeth2008]

while the example you gave definitely rubs me the wrong way (such reckless parenting to make children worry more about what 'other people' will think of the way they look), but generally i try not to judge too much lest all of my comments and actions were being judged!! The only thing that would really upset me is abuse, physical or emotional.