How to teach sharing to an almost 4 year old?

[labdogs42]

My son is an only child. I am an only child. Therefore, I don't have a lot of experience in sharing at a young age or teaching children to share. My son is very independent and sometimes very attached to his "stuff". He WILL share certain things, but he has meltdowns if a playmate touches a certain toy (not always the same one, just the one he decides he' s attached to that day). I do give him the option to put away certain favored toys before we have people over, but sometimes there is still a toy that causes a huge scene. His preschool teacher also said that this is the one area he needs to work on in school -- sharing and taking turns. Although she did say that he doesn't grab toys, more talks the other kid out of them (is that bad?) before it is his turn.

So, what is the gentle way to help facilitate sharing? I'm really not sure how to go about this. Do I use a timer and practice taking turns? Is it just something he'll grow into? Help!!

[labdogs42]

Bumping. Anyone? Anyone?

[EnviroBecca]

I also have an only child, who just turned 4. We haven't had much trouble with sharing. I think it's not so much something that has to be taught to children when they interact with each other as something children can learn from their interactions with adults (more about that here) so being an only child doesn't have to be a disadvantage.

That said, your son IS having a problem with sharing. One way you might work on this is with role-playing. Either you can do it informally by just getting down on the floor with him and playing with his toys and trying to react like a kid would (this is where toy-sharing can be problematic for an only child--because all the toys in his home are his, and parents don't care about them as much as he does, so we tend to give up whatever he wants, whereas other kids don't) or you can speak for a stuffed animal. My son often shows great concern for the feelings of his stuffed animals when I am making them talk, and by exaggerating their emotional reactions (the tiger has a big yowling tantrum if he takes away the car it was playing with, etc.) sometimes I can get across the effect that his actions have on real people. Also, sometimes I'll make the animal do the thing I've been telling my son not to do (like grab a toy from him), and then when he lectures the animal about proper behavior, I have it respond the way I'd like him to respond! This can work wonders!

Also, make sure you are sharing YOUR things with your son wherever feasible. Obviously you're not going to let him have a turn with your chainsaw or anything really dangerous, but if he wants to try using your hole-puncher, wearing your scarf, typing on your computer, eating your salad, etc., do your best to share with him and be gracious about it. Recently I had to have some Metamucil, and just as I was wincing at its sliminess and feeling sorry for myself, my son appeared at my elbow saying, "Mama, can you share with that?" I made him a 1/4 dose (he's been picky about veggies, so I figured it would do him good!) and his appreciation of it made the stuff more appealing to me!

[simplymother]

I would second just being very open and willing to share your self. Also I would think he'd be old enough to talk to about it using induction. How does he feel when others share with him, etc. Maybe before people a playdate, talk about what things are too special to him that he wouldn't be able to handle sharing, and put those things up, and talk about how you want everyone to have a good time and enjoy all the things that are out. Maybe go over (role play or puppet show?) some strategies for what to do if someone's playing with something you want--or if someone wants something you're playing with.

[labdogs42]

Good ideas. I do share a lot with him. I let him use my iTouch, laptop, etc. He always asks nicely, too. Do I need to limit the amount of time he uses those and then ask for them back? I like the role play idea, too.

He does offer to share quite often. He'll share his drink or his snack with me, he'll offer to show friends his toys, etc, it is just some things that he gets weird about (and I don't always know what the thing will be). So, it is kind of hard to predict.

I need to work on my Dh sharing better with DS, too. He is a little territorial about his things as well. I 'm dealing with two bad sharers in this house and one of them is over 30!!

[simplymother]

I don't think I'd worry about limiting his time with your things unless you really need them back, yk? Nothing arbitrary should be necessary. Yeah, I wonder if your husband's territorial-ness isn't playing a part--sometimes kids need to play out stuff they experience from their parents that they don't quite understand.

Anyway, it actually sounds pretty normal that a 4 year old would have an hard time sharing particular things. Maybe you just need strategies for how to handle the situations when they do come up? I've heard of saying things like, "I know you want to play with that and X's is playing with it right now. It can be hard to wait. I'll wait with you." And then holding him if that seems to help him.

[suprgrl]

Are there activities or games you can play that require taking turns with you? Some things I can think of:

Cooking where you taking turns stirring or flipping the pancakes or something
Simple board games where you take turns
Sports (taking turns hitting a baseball)
Not giving him his own version of everything. If you are comfortable you could share water bottles, share a plate of snacks,
Share your things with people other than just him/your immediate family. You could let people borrow things (books, tools, whatever you feel comfortable with) if the opportunity presents itself (especially if it is in from of your son)
There is a book that ds1 like called Four Feet, Two Sandals that talks about sharing between two refugee girls as well as Mama Panya's Pancakes, and Who Took My Strawberries


eta: Another thing you may try is whenever you see him sharing or not, point out how his actions affect others. ie "Look at A's smile! She is so happy to be playing with that toy you shared with her." or if he took something from someone without asking "A is crying/sad/upset that you took the toy she was playing with. How can we help her feel better?"
We also encourage our kids to trade with someone if another kid has a toy they'd like to play with. So if they want something someone is playing with, I might help my son find a toy the other kid may be interested in to trade for the toy he wants.
Also something we do that seems to help is to resist labeling things as "mommy's" "daddy's" or "dc's". Everything in our home belongs to us as a family. Of course there are some things that aren't safe for the boys to play with, so they can either be used/looked at with supervision or kept out of reach/sight with an explanation as to why dc can't use it at this time.

[labdogs42]

Thanks for the ideas. I have done some of those (like talking to him about how it can be hard to wait, etc), but it helps to have reminders. I have some friends that have kids my son's age and we are planning to set up some playdates to help Aj with his sharing issues. We're going to try at their house first, then at ours (he shares other kids' things better and then I can point out how X is sharing so nicely, etc). I know it is something he'll grow into. I just need to give him some more gentle exposure to the concepts.

The one big problem we have had with sharing involved my nephew. My BIL and SIL are very mainstream and expect my older child to just hand everything over to their younger child. I don't condone that, but I do want to get some sharing practice in before we see them again!

[Aiden'sMom]

hey, this post just caught my eye. have not read all posts so please forgive me if someone has already suggested this, but I wanted to share because I just read this in Connection Parenting (fab book, btw) and wished I had read it years ago. Get your own toy box and put toys in it and then when you two are playing you can model sharing your toys. I dig this idea because I believe that kids learn fastest and best from modeling. can't believe I never thought of it myself.

[emmaegbert]

Originally Posted by Aiden'sMom

hey, this post just caught my eye. have not read all posts so please forgive me if someone has already suggested this, but I wanted to share because I just read this in Connection Parenting (fab book, btw) and wished I had read it years ago. Get your own toy box and put toys in it and then when you two are playing you can model sharing your toys. I dig this idea because I believe that kids learn fastest and best from modeling. can't believe I never thought of it myself.

Funny. Sharing has never been my son's problem issue (and believe me he has plenty of them). But his dad is really into toys and collecting, and when I just read this I realized, lol, his dad has always been pretty good about sharing his stuff (not all of his stuff, but a lot of it) so maybe he did have a model for that... I never thought if it that way! We also did lots of playdates and date-nights with friends since my son was little (partly b/c we can't afford sitters and we have no family close by, but its been fun for the kids after all)- he's just been used to having friends in his space I guess. He gets antsy about certain things from time to time, but some of it seems to really be through practice.

FWIW I never made him hand over stuff, but I also enforced that he can't fuss or grab things back, and I always helped the kids make requests to eachother, etc. Sometimes its pretty funny to see a toddler/preschooler desperately trying to wait their turn- usually the wait is like 45 seconds- but its obviously loooooong for them.

You can definitely role-play in advance of the visit with his cousin- help him practice saying, "I will give you a turn when I am done" or something- and in the moment you can help him vocalize it to his cousin. I think the parents can probably learn to accept that if you are matter-of-fact about it (and if they see that their DC *does* get a turn eventually). Most of our less "AP" friends are fine with that.