Thoughts about siblings...

[swampangel]

I've read a few books about siblings and have found the books helpful but always have been left with a lingering sense of doubt and questioning.

Essentially, I'm wondering what you all think about letting siblings work things out on their own. In "Mom, Jason's Breathing On Me!" (I think that's the title) it talks a lot about how siblings will vie for the parent's attention so only to get involved when/if it reaches a point that crosses a line for the parent (violence, screaming, etc.). Also, the idea that kids need to learn how to navigate their relationship on their own seems to be a common theme.

I always walk away from these reads feeling that much of it makes sense, but I struggle with the idea that siblings are to be left alone to navigate their own relationship. It tends to feel a little "Lord of the Flies" to me. I feel like family relationships are the most intense and therefore the hardest, sometimes, to navigate.

Do you feel like there's a way to be involved in order to help them relate to one another in a healthy way without triangulating? Can parents help children to build their sibling relationship so that it is healthy and respectful rather than letting them work it out entirely on their own? I struggle with this as my oldest is now in Kindergarten and the social aspect of life for him is so important and he needs so much help with it. It's so complicated and I tend to think that having an adult help process and guide is a good thing.

Thoughts?

[PlayaMama]

it is absolutely possible to help mediate without leaving the children to figure it out on their own. my ds is only 4 and my dd is almost 1 but we do have much older neighbor kids that come over to play and i have to say that because we have such "different" rules (be kind, polite, considerate, gentle with each other) they often need guidance.

and without the guidance it turns into, "you HAVE to share!" or "i had that first. give it to me!" followed by yanking it away.

kids need some help solving relationship issues just like they sometimes need help reaching something too high or using the sharp knife. i really don't think it's that much different.

[Magella]

The thing I took from the "Jason's Breathing On Me" book is that he's talking about not doing more in that moment--without addressing all the things you might do outside that moment of conflict. I think that yes, if you were just going to keep saying "sounds like a problem" and never, ever do anything else to teach them how to solve their problems together--that would not be enough, imo. I do disagree with him that's it's always bad to talk with them about the problem as it's happening and to offer help when they really need it (they are still learning after all, and do look to us for help when they don't know what to do), but I agree with the idea that solving the problem for them is not a good idea.

I think there's a lot you can do. I think you can have children tell you what's wrong, empathize, ask questions, and even brainstorm solutions with them without taking sides. I think you can sometimes do this right when the conflict is happening, and sometimes it's better to wait until people are calm. I think you can play games that teach skills, I think you can model skills in your own interactions with kids and other adults. I think you can ask kids to make amends if they've hurt someone, I think you can use some version of social stories to practice, you can role-play. There is just so much you can do, much of it outside that moment of conflict.

I think the thing to avoid is blaming and stepping in to solve it for them (which can feel like taking sides). I think there's a difference between "he wants a turn, and so do you. Do you have any ideas what we could do?" and "he gets a turn first, then you do." I'd rather separate them for a time than say "he gets it first" (or some other version of my solving it for them) because ime, if I'm deciding who gets it first there's a cascade of "that's not fair!" and so on--as if I'm taking sides even if that's not my intention. I am a big fan of separating fighting kids until they're calm. I think it's good to learn to take a break when you're really frustrated, don't know what else to do at the moment, and are angry enough to start yelling. People just solve problems better when they're reasonably calm, and I find that often my "help" escalates two of my kids (who need space and quiet to calm down).

[lindajns21]

the book is worth reding to understand parenting in a better way.. there are simple things which can acheive great results

[allgirls]

I agree with Magella...I started pulling out of my older dd's arguements after reading this book and I have to say, almost overnight, the "bickering" stopped, the "she said, no she did it first" coming to me over every little thing, the trying to get me to pick sides over something I didn't witness etc. stuff stopped. They still argued(albiet much less) but they didn't bring it to me anymore. With my younger two I have always done much of what is suggested in the books and again, while there are occasional arguements, they get along terrific 99.9% of the time. Right now, off the top of my head, I can't recall a serious conflict between them(they are 3 and 5).

I don't ignore, I just allow them to work things out. Sometimes I make neutral suggestions of things that might work.

But that all out, constant, sibling bickering does not exist in my home anymore and I credit it to the philosophy in that book.

People comment on my kids and how well they get along all the time. I wish I had read this when my older kids were little because I think it could have made for me enjoying their childhood years more.