Help--6 yrs old has been sleeping with me for past 3 weeks

[VroomieMama]

ALSO POSTED ABOUT THIS IN FAMILY BED & NIGHTTIME PARENTING

My daughter, 6 yrs old, have been sneaking beside me every night for past three weeks to sleep with me. Don't get me wrong, I love snuggling with her and it makes me feel so loved that she wants to be with mommy. But, I don't want her to continue doing this because my twins are coming in June. She is quite active when sleeping and its going to be unsafe for the twins. The thing is that, my daughter is so clever because she knows that in middle of the night, I wouldn't be able to feel her slipping in beside me, if otherwise, I would walk upstairs with her and tuck her back in bed and me go back to sleep alone without her.

What started this, my husband has been sleeping on a twin bed on the floor because with me being pregnant, I move a lot in bed trying to make myself comfortable and this would wake my husband up in middle of night. He needs good quality of sleep or he'd miss an early in the morning alarm clock to go to work. My daughter saw this as an advantage because my king sized bed is available for her to join since I'm the only one in the bed besides the cats and the dog. When the twins are here, all of our animals will not be in our bedroom and the door will be closed to keep the animals out for the safety sake of our twins.

My husband and I have talked to her that her bedroom is for her to sleep in it and that when the twins are here, it'll be unsafe for the twins if she sleeps in the same bed with us. She tried to convince us that she'll be careful and stay still with the twins in bed.

Putting another twin bed in our bedroom is not an option because there isn't a room for it and my husband doesn't want her to sleep in our bedroom but rather her to sleep in her own bed upstairs.

I feel stuck and I'm out of ideas.

[Sasharna]

I just went through something similar with my 3.5 year old. He had been sleeping well in his own room, but a couple months ago he started coming to me at 1 am each night and wanting to snuggle. I don't want to discourage him from seeking out this closeness because he had some developmental, sensory, and allergy issues in babyhood which caused him to refuse to be held much back then. Now that those issues are resolved, he seems to be needing a lot of contact to make up for it.

I needed him out of my bed though, for a couple reasons. First, we're expecting a newborn in April and the mattress is too small for two kids. Secondly, even though my DS wants to snuggle with me at night, he gets very poor/interrupted sleep when he does (plus, his wiggly sleeping style wakes me up and/or gives me nightmares in which I am repeatedly poked ).

Anyhow, here's what I did. Like you did with your DD, I explained to him why we needed to make a change. He was pretty unhappy about it and began to cry a little, so I just held him for a while and validated his feelings. Then I asked him to help me pick out a blanket from the linen closet, to make him a special sleep mat on the floor next to my bed. He also picked out one of my pillows. (This was in the evening before bedtime.) That night when he woke up and came to me, he gave me a hug and settled down in his new sleep space. I could hardly believe how smoothly it all went! Now, preparing his special place is part of our bedtime routine.

I realize that making a place for her inside your room isn't an option for you right now, but I wanted to share how the process went for us because I think what made this work was offering validation (and something new that felt loving and special) to DS without opening the door to negotiation or changing my mind. Maybe some parts of this approach would work for you. Perhaps there's some kind of new routine or special object your DD could have in her room that would help make this disappointment easier on her.

Good luck figuring out what works for your family!

[VroomieMama]

That's a good idea.. I guess my husband and I will probably need to re arrange our bedroom again to accomodate my daughter's need and ours' so she could sleep on the floor. I wouldn't want to pounce on her on the way to bathroom whenever I need to in middle of the night.

[Deer Hunter]

Wow! What a situation! And don't feel like you love her any less because you want her to sleep in her own room. It is clear that you love her very much, and you have your reasons for wanting this.

Do you think she is feeling scared? Do you think she is feeling like the twins will take her place? Being that I was a firstborn, I remember all this happening to me. I wanted to sleep in my parents' room also because I knew the babies were going to. So, my mother got creative.

What my mother did was allowed me to sleep wherever I wanted to so long as it was not in her room. Some of the places were so rediculous, but as long as all of us were happy, and I wasn't in my mother's space, the rediculousness did not matter.

My sleeping places were a playpen that I wanted, a baby swing, a crib, a cradle (Yes, I could fit if I bent my legs.), a crib matress on the floor, in my closet with some blankets and a pillow, on the couch, on the living room floor, in the hallway, and even in the bathtub with pillows, blankets, and sheets. The last one was because I had a phase when I was interested in bathtubs. Everything had to be all about them, so when I wanted to sleep there, my parents were all for it. They were not the ones who felt that there was a proper place to sleep. All they cared about was that they got sleep at night, that I left them alone, and that I got the sleep I needed and felt happy about where I was sleeping.

If you do not want to go out of your way and allow her to sleep in crazy places and are the type that feels that only beds and bedrooms are for sleeping, perhaps you and your daughter can work together to make her bedroom a very special place. This may keep her from feeling left out and make her feel important. Do what you can to make it like her pallace. Does she have a favorite theme? If so, allow her to have the room designed in that theme. You'd be surprised how much more excited children are about having a room that they liked. This is where my parents went right IMO, and I'll do the same for my kids.

regarding firstborn jealousy, which I strongly feel this could be a possibility in your situation since firstborn children will try all they can to get real close to their parents if they know of a new sibling on the way, there is a very good and informative article titled "Firstborn Jealousy," written by Elizabeth Pantley, that I feel may help your situation. It is found at http://www.parentingweb.com/discipline/ep_jealousy.htm

I hope that sharing my experiences and the article that I found will help you out. I hope all goes well, and please keep us updated.

[VroomieMama]

haha I love your mother's creative mind!

I'll share this post with my husband and I'm sure my daughter's gonna think that I'm crazy but maybe it'll work!

she do have a themed bedroom but seems like shes already bored of it and we don't have $$ at this time to re-decorate anywhere in our house.. in fact, we might be facing foreclosure anytime soon. But we all will live and get through this though.

thank you for the link to the article.

[nonconformnmom]

Have you tried creating an incentive for her to stay in her own room all night? You could make it into sort of a game, and for every night she stays in her own room you reward her with something in the morning. Or do a star chart and after each continuous set of 3 stars you take her to something fun that she can do with just the two of you.

My 6 yo is really motivated by getting a quarter every morning if she gets out of bed before the alarm clock rings. (We have trouble getting her ready for school on time because she hides in her bed and refuses to come out for breakfast). There are other incentives, other than money (my least favorite one) - just giving that as an example.

[Deer Hunter]

Originally Posted by VroomieMama

haha I love your mother's creative mind!

I did also. I mean, what child is sleeping in a baby swing at ten? LOL! I look back and laugh, but it did make me happy. I stopped having trouble at twelve. Let's hope your daughter doesn't go through it that long though.


I'll share this post with my husband and I'm sure my daughter's gonna think that I'm crazy but maybe it'll work!

Maybe she won't think you are crazy. She may have a lot of fun with it.


she do have a themed bedroom but seems like shes already bored of it and we don't have $$ at this time to re-decorate anywhere in our house.. in fact, we might be facing foreclosure anytime soon. But we all will live and get through this though.

Oh, my! I'm so sorry you are going through that. Are their any crisis services in your area you can contact for help? I know there are a lot that can give you some monitary assistance to prevent you from losing the house. A friend of mine had to make use of such services. She is a single mom unable to work due to MS, and her very abusive spouse that she left refused to give her child support, not caring at all that she was struggling to care for the children he helped to make.

I know that some churches, local charities, and United Way could possibly help. My friend utilized every resource in town. If there are no local organizations, look for things on a national level. One that I recommend that could possibly put you in the right direction and is well-known for helping out with finances is Bridge to Hope, which can be reached by calling 1877-462-7555.

thank you for the link to the article.

Anytime. I'm glad I could help out.

[Sasharna]

Originally Posted by Deer Hunter

...there is a very good and informative article titled "Firstborn Jealousy," written by Elizabeth Pantley, that I feel may help your situation. It is found at http://www.parentingweb.com/discipline/ep_jealousy.htm

I wanted to say thanks for linking this article, too. I found it helpful!

[Deer Hunter]

Originally Posted by Sasharna

I wanted to say thanks for linking this article, too. I found it helpful!

No problem! Glad I could help.

[oliversmum2000]

i hope i am not barking up the wrong tree but tis sounds more like an issue with your dh not wanting her to co sleep than anything else. my concern would be that she may feel dreadfully left out being the only member of your family not sleeping with you, and having to go in to her own room while you, your dh and your twins all happily sleep in the same room.

i think at age 6 she is old enough to be involved in the problem solving process, explain to her that you are worried that when the babies come they will keep her awake all night and that, that will make her tired and miserable.

would your dh be open to the idea of sleeping on a mattress in her room for a while, making her not feel excluded and also ensuring he and your daughter get some sleep?

[VroomieMama]

Originally Posted by oliversmum2000

i hope i am not barking up the wrong tree but tis sounds more like an issue with your dh not wanting her to co sleep than anything else. my concern would be that she may feel dreadfully left out being the only member of your family not sleeping with you, and having to go in to her own room while you, your dh and your twins all happily sleep in the same room.

i think at age 6 she is old enough to be involved in the problem solving process, explain to her that you are worried that when the babies come they will keep her awake all night and that, that will make her tired and miserable.

would your dh be open to the idea of sleeping on a mattress in her room for a while, making her not feel excluded and also ensuring he and your daughter get some sleep?

My husband was raised by his parents not to co-sleep except when he has a nightmare, that is when he is able to join them. And I'm the first woman that he has shared the bed with all through the night.

He is slowly adjusting/accepting to the idea of co-sleeping. He really loves my daughter so much and is such a devoted step father to her.

We have explained to her that it may be dangerous for her to sleep with me and the twins on the bed since she moves quite a lot and she said she promises to stay still. One of mother posted from before suggested my daughter to sleep on the floor in our bedroom. I have talked to my husband about that and we are still discussing on what we should do about bedding arrangement now and when the twins are here. And we also realized that my daughter is aware that the crib is going to be in our bedroom and that she may feel rejected for not being able to have her bed in our room too and she just didn't know how to tell us how she feel.

When I first got pregnant, my husband and I had originally thought that our twins would be sleeping in a crib in our bedroom but being pregnant and I had a lot of time reflecting what it was like with my daughter when she was an infant. I had realized that my daughter rarely had slept in the crib and had been co-sleeping with me and her father because we found it easy to feed her and having her sleeping on our chest. She loved that so much and she would take a long time to fall asleep if we put her in her crib. I had told my husband that the twins might end up share the bed with us and he was understanding about that due to convenience of feeding and putting them next to us on bed rather than getting up and putting them in their crib and they might feel disconnected from their parents and resist to sleep on their own.

Last night, I thought about bringing in the double sized bed from the guest room and have it positioned against the wall and have my king sized bed against the double sized bed in our bedroom but will have to discuss this with my husband. Our bedroom is quite crowded at this time because we moved our computer to our bedroom from the office to make it convenient for me to use the computer and for my husband to work on his side job and to keep eyes on me whenever I needed him. But it looks like maybe his computer will need to go back upstairs. I really have million of thoughts, ideas running through my head but don't know which one will be a good solution for us. My husband and I have a lot of things to talk and think about.

Thank you all for your feedback/suggestion

[UUMom]

.

[VroomieMama]

Originally Posted by UUMom

You told your dd that it would be dangerous for her to sleep with twin newborns when the twins are not due until June? That is totally jumping the gun, not to mention putting way too much pressure on a little 6 yr old. (OMG! You can kill your sibls!)

She should not have to 'sneak' to be comforted in the night.

There are many months for her to feel secure in your bed/arms before the babies come. Meet your dd's current needs and you might find they might be met. In June, she may not need as much night comfort. A 6 yr old wanting night comfort is normal, even if our society says it's abnormal. "Come on sweetie, lets snuggle together" will go a long long long way in meeting a small child's emtional needs.

I'm not sure what your attitude is about my posts or if you've read my original and the rest of my posts. I love snuggling with my daughter but I wanted to be honest with her that it may be dangerous for her to sleep with the twins in bed since she moves around quite a lot. I believe if you've read ALL of my posts in this thread and you'd see that I've been trying to accomodate my daughter's emotional needs.

Thank you.

[library lady]

I haven't read all of the responses but had to respond because I have a 7 year old that has been doing something similar. I just had a baby 1/5 and my 7 yo has been sneaking in our room to sleep with us. We ended up compromising and letting her sleep at the foot of the bed. She really needs to have that time to reconnect with us. Because she is at the foot of the bed, there is no danger to the baby. You might consider doing that as a compromise once the babies get here. For now, I would let her sleep with you as long as it is comfortable for you.

[Ruthla]

You may need to get creative in organizing your bedroom to make it snuggle-friendly. I don't think that having DH sleep in the room with your DD is a realistic option, due to his attitudes about cosleeping.

I've heard of families who move all the beds into one bedroom and all the dressers into another bedroom, instead of having each person's clothing stored in the same room they sleep in. I've never done that, but for a while I did have a toddler bed in my room, and my daughters continued to squish into that up until age 7 or 8 (by then I was single, and DS and I would sleep in the queen bed, one DD would join me in bed and the other would take the toddler bed, and they'd alternate who got which spot when they migrated from their bedroom.) The point is, they didn't mind squishing into a bed that was much too small for them, in order to sleep close to me.

I also noticed that you "bring her back upstairs to her room." I'm guessing this means that your room and hers are on different floors of the house. Is there another room available next to either hers or yours, so you could have her bedroom right next to yours instead of up a flight of steps? She might be more comfortable sleeping in her own room at night if she's closer to you.

[VroomieMama]

Originally Posted by library lady

I haven't read all of the responses but had to respond because I have a 7 year old that has been doing something similar. I just had a baby 1/5 and my 7 yo has been sneaking in our room to sleep with us. We ended up compromising and letting her sleep at the foot of the bed. She really needs to have that time to reconnect with us. Because she is at the foot of the bed, there is no danger to the baby. You might consider doing that as a compromise once the babies get here. For now, I would let her sleep with you as long as it is comfortable for you.

Thats not a bad idea.. will try and see if it works since I'm quite tall and I might end up not sleeping good with her on my foot. Will try though.

[VroomieMama]

You may need to get creative in organizing your bedroom to make it snuggle-friendly. I don't think that having DH sleep in the room with your DD is a realistic option, due to his attitudes about cosleeping.

My husband DO NOT have negative attitude about co-sleeping.. it was just what he was taught from his parents. Like I said in few post before this, he is slowly getting used to the idea of co-sleeping.

I've heard of families who move all the beds into one bedroom and all the dressers into another bedroom, instead of having each person's clothing stored in the same room they sleep in. I've never done that, but for a while I did have a toddler bed in my room, and my daughters continued to squish into that up until age 7 or 8 (by then I was single, and DS and I would sleep in the queen bed, one DD would join me in bed and the other would take the toddler bed, and they'd alternate who got which spot when they migrated from their bedroom.) The point is, they didn't mind squishing into a bed that was much too small for them, in order to sleep close to me.

I also noticed that you "bring her back upstairs to her room." I'm guessing this means that your room and hers are on different floors of the house. Is there another room available next to either hers or yours, so you could have her bedroom right next to yours instead of up a flight of steps? She might be more comfortable sleeping in her own room at night if she's closer to you.

There is no extra room downstairs but there is another room upstairs. My husband and I have thought about moving to the bedroom upstairs to be closer to my daughter. Thanks for the suggestion.

[library lady]

Originally Posted by VroomieMama

Thats not a bad idea.. will try and see if it works since I'm quite tall and I might end up not sleeping good with her on my foot. Will try though.

If you are in a king sized bed, she can be at the foot of the bed off to the side where you essentially sleep with your feet facing each other so that nobody's head gets kicked. My DD likes to curl up so it works for her to sleep at the bottom of the space where the baby is. It is an intricate little puzzle of people.

[sapphire_chan]

As a teen, I'd sometimes slip on to the end of my parents' queen for a bit before going to sleep in my own room after staying up late doing homework. They never woke up and I wasn't particularly small as a teenager.

[VroomieMama]

Originally Posted by library lady

If you are in a king sized bed, she can be at the foot of the bed off to the side where you essentially sleep with your feet facing each other so that nobody's head gets kicked. My DD likes to curl up so it works for her to sleep at the bottom of the space where the baby is. It is an intricate little puzzle of people.

we tried that last night.. it wasn't really successful.. my daughter kept on kicking my leg with her legs and it kept me up. *sighs* Will need to find different solutions. Thanks for the tips though.