How to Handle the Silent Treatment

[umsami]

OK, I thought you Mamas may have some ideas on how to handle the silent treatment. The problem isn't one of my kids, it's DH! He is famous for his silent treatments... he and his father did not speak to each other for a year when DH was like 14.

It's very maddening... and my bigger issue is that it sets such a horrible example for our children. He doesn't think that there is anything wrong with it, and feels it is better than saying something he might later regret. Typically, they'll go on for a week or so. He also shuts himself away in his office... and in effect, shuts himself off from the kids. They simply don't understand.

I do not want my kids thinking that this is an acceptable way to handle disagreements.

I've tried telling them that we can't control what Daddy does when he's mad, but we can control how we react. So I've turned it into a fun time.... pizza, movies, etc. But I really don't know what to do about this.

Help!

[simplymother]

Oh dear! Husbands! It's funny, sometimes I feel like I go to all these lengths to make sure I'm parenting in such a way that my kids can follow my example . . . and then I mess it all up by not handling things maturely with my husband!

I don't know what to do about your situation. I know men sometimes need time to think things over before they can talk about it. And with my husband at least, it's extremely counter-productive to try to talk to him before he's ready.

But it also doesn't help to be all chipper and happy and pretend there's nothing wrong. Maybe saying something briefly and calmly and mostly for your children's benefit, like, "We're must be too upset to talk about this now. Let's move on with the day and I'm sure we'll work this out when we're both thinking more clearly." And then do it... move on, and don't look like your holding a grudge yourself.

That's assuming this is like an hour or day thing, and it wouldn't go on for weeks at a time or something.

[umsami]

Originally Posted by simplymother

That's assuming this is like an hour or day thing, and it wouldn't go on for weeks at a time or something.

See, that's the problem. We're on day 3... and this will probably go on at least a week. If it was only a day... well then, I don't know if the kids would really notice. But now at day 3, they totally know. And the sad thing is it's affecting their opinion of their Dad.

[sapphire_chan]

Sounds like you need some time out of the house, just be sure to tell him that you're going out before you leave the kids with him.

Although, maybe that would work, maybe having to be the adult would make him stop acting like a 14 yo.

[tinuviel_k]

Ooooohhh, that's a tricky one.

In my opinion an extended "silent treatment" (not an "I need some space to think for a few hours" silence, which is acceptable and understandable) is nothing but a grown-up temper tantrum, a "my way or else" ploy that punishes everyone else. I do NOT deal well with grown ups having temper tantrums.

I would be tempted to say something like, "The children and I refuse to hang around the house and be punished while you refuse to talk to us and participate in the family. We are heading out to X (grandma's house, the amusement park, a camping trip, a hotel resort, anywhere fun for a few days). Of course, that is too expensive, and doesn't take into account school days and such. Plus, why should YOU have to leave when he is the one misbehaving?

I'd also be tempted to kick him out of the house, tell him to get a hotel room for a week, that you'd rather he be out of sight completely than have him rub everyone's noses in his passive aggressive behavior.

Unfortunately I don't seem to have much in the way of practical advice. I think if this were me and my husband it would probably cause a big rift in our relationship. I'm not sure what I would do, but it might involve some big ultimatums.

This is really harmful to your children, which is the most distressing thing. They are learning firsthand that whenever something is upsetting it is permissible to turn off, not engage, and hide behind immature behavior rather than face one's problems.

Is counseling for him, perhaps family counseling, an option? If he is willing to see that he has a problem it might help open some new lines of communication.

[WhaleinGaloshes]

Originally Posted by umsami

I've tried telling them that we can't control what Daddy does when he's mad, but we can control how we react.

I think ^that^ is a very valuable lesson, and quite possibly the best thing that can come of your husband's unfortunate behavior. Your kids' opinion of him may be another unfortunate consequence, but frankly it's their prerogative.

In your shoes (and I am, in a way, I am separated from my husband but he's in DD's life and he's a passive fit-thrower, too), I would be very cautious about trying to influence the opinion your children have of the behavior or they're dad. I've seen it too many times turn into "just remember that Dad's a great guy and he loves you very much [he just hasn't spoken to you in a week.]" I think it's too easy to influence in a wrong direction what kid's experience as "what love feels like." Or how adults behave, or how a father treats his children/wife for that matter.

So I really feel that you are already handling it the best way possible, with good boundaries and a healthy message. What he chooses doesn't have to change the way you behave. It sounds rough, and I hope he finds a new way to relate to the people he loves, for everyone's sake.

[fek&fuzz]

That is really not acceptable behavior. I think I would tell him that we and him and the children are starting counseling immediately. Being around parents that weren't speaking for a week would have been *highly* disturbing to me as a child, no matter how much my mom tried to make it "fun time." That's a bit like putting lip stick on a pig.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by fek&fuzz

That is really not acceptable behavior. I think I would tell him that we and him and the children are starting counseling immediately. Being around parents that weren't speaking for a week would have been *highly* disturbing to me as a child, no matter how much my mom tried to make it "fun time." That's a bit like putting lip stick on a pig.

:

I'd drag us into counseling VERY quickly for that one. Not only is he setting a terrible model for his kids, if he's shutting himself away for days, who's helping you with the kids? How are you eating as a family? What the heck is he thinking?

[heartmama]

Do you mean a week of no talking to you and the kids?

I would go in for counseling on that one. That is just unworkable to me. A day or two at most, maybe.

I'm sure your dh is a good guy but he clearly needs to learn some better coping skills. This is the example his father set for him.

[umsami]

Yes, I wish he would agree to counseling... sigh.

[fek&fuzz]

Originally Posted by umsami

Yes, I wish he would agree to counseling... sigh.

You and the kids can go. And should go.

[Magella]

You are in a very difficult position.

My mom did this to me when I was a child, though not for as long as a week at a time. It is hard not to repeat that, but it's extremely important not to repeat it (and not repeating it requires learning new skills to take its place). It isn't okay at all. Silent treatment is emotional abuse, and I think that at the very least counseling for you and the kids is in order.

[tbone_kneegrabber]

Well that sounds exactly like my father....exactly....after years of going through that as a child I no longer speak to him and haven't for almost 10 years and don't plan on it ever again. Perhaps I will attend his funeral, but I might not.

Sorry to be harsh, but that's the way it played out for me. (for what its worth often the pouting followed a violent outburst, so I guess only pouting is slightly better)

[LessTraveledBy]

This would be completely unacceptable to me.

It is one thing if someone is upset with the spouse. My dh or I have some time spend some HOURS not feeling like talking. Usually after that a good conversation and a mutual apology follows. BUT even when dh is not happy with me, he remains the father to our dd and acts the part. He may not be in his best mood but he certainly tries hard to be nice to dd and may even try to give her special attention.

The fact that your dh basically stops being a father when he is mad is very wrong. I can only imagine how it makes the kids feel. Also, trying to make the best of it may be noble (?) but also makes it into something acceptable for your kids. Would you want a daughter to marry a guy who was known for this sort of behaviour or a son to treat his wife this way?

I would tell him that not going to counceling is not an option. I think he might have other things within, too (starting with issues with his dad), so sounds like therapy could be good for him for the other issues as well.

[One_Girl]

A week is a long time to be angry and ignore your child. An hour would be understandable, a lot of people need space to calm down and collect themselves after being really angry, but a week is a long time to be out of control of your emotions. Do the fights stem from marriage disputes or from parenting issues. If it is marriage disputes then maybe some marriage counseling or a divorce would help him to be a better father and it may go a long ways towards making the environment healthier and happier for the children.

[Grumpy72_ga]

It seriously is an adult version of a temper-tantrum.

I used to do it (I'm still learning not to! I'm down to 20 minutes turn around time! ) My father did it, he still does. My parents did it to me when I was 20... for 6 whole freakin' months, because I bought a car and took a vacation - yes there is more to that story! LOL! My mother still complains that dad has gone off on one of his silent retreats and expects him to return in .... x days. We laugh. It isn't funny!

For you it is childish. For the kids its a bad example of anger management and one that they are likely to repeat on their families. For him it is a way to handle anger that he can't put into words or isn't willing to discuss. Sadly when my father did it we never knew what had set him off. When my parents did it to me for 6 months, I had no clue.... and played along instead of being a grown up and facing them. Hey I had the dog for company!

It may be too late to talk him through this one.... but here is a thought.... (what my dh did to me!) When he comes back ask him why he does the silent treatment. What does that do for him? What does he get out of it? If he didn't get something out of it, he wouldn't do it. If someone in his family did it ask him what he, as a child, thought of the behaviour, is this a behaviour he would want his kids to repeat? What would he do if the kids did it to him? Today, tomorrow?

We are examples for our children. We teach them to talk out their frustrations when we ask them to use their words. It isn't too much to ask an adult to use their words to express what they are feeling... and it is okay to be angry and say we're angry, but we have to be big enough to admit it.

Good luck!