I think I'm getting there...

[valkyrina]

I just wanted to share that I think I'm coming to a good place with this whole thing. After much research and thought, I realize that we probably did need to deliver the boys early, or we would have risked losing one or both of them. And while I hate the way the doctors talked to me about it, and while I hate to admit it, I am starting to feel like we probably did what was best given our limited options. And while we could have at least tried a vaginal birth, I also know that an induction at 35 weeks when my body was clearly not ready to let go of those babes would almost definitely ended in a c-section anyway.

And I am starting to be able to think of the NICU and the ventilators and everything as saving my babies and keeping them alive, instead of stealing my babies away from me.

I will always, always carry the scars from the surgery and from the fear and separation from my babies. It was the worst thing imaginable to be separated from them for so long, and to see them so sick and tiny and helpless. I will never forget it as long as I live. And while I wouldn't say that I am okay with how it all went down, I am starting to be able to accept that I don't really believe it could have gone better, although I know it could have gone worse.

And although it doesn't erase what happened, it really and truly is a joy to see them happy and healthy (and driving me crazy!) now.

So I guess that's it. I don't mean to brag at all, or anything like that. I just wanted to share that although I'm not quite there yet, I think I'm close to some sort of peace. I'm really thankful for all of the support that I've had; it really does make a big difference.

[Kimcarrots]

Originally Posted by valkyrina

I just wanted to share that I think I'm coming to a good place with this whole thing. After much research and thought, I realize that we probably did need to deliver the boys early, or we would have risked losing one or both of them. And while I hate the way the doctors talked to me about it, and while I hate to admit it, I am starting to feel like we probably did what was best given our limited options. And while we could have at least tried a vaginal birth, I also know that an induction at 35 weeks when my body was clearly not ready to let go of those babes would almost definitely ended in a c-section anyway.

And I am starting to be able to think of the NICU and the ventilators and everything as saving my babies and keeping them alive, instead of stealing my babies away from me.

I will always, always carry the scars from the surgery and from the fear and separation from my babies. It was the worst thing imaginable to be separated from them for so long, and to see them so sick and tiny and helpless. I will never forget it as long as I live. And while I wouldn't say that I am okay with how it all went down, I am starting to be able to accept that I don't really believe it could have gone better, although I know it could have gone worse.

And although it doesn't erase what happened, it really and truly is a joy to see them happy and healthy (and driving me crazy!) now.

So I guess that's it. I don't mean to brag at all, or anything like that. I just wanted to share that although I'm not quite there yet, I think I'm close to some sort of peace. I'm really thankful for all of the support that I've had; it really does make a big difference.

That is really wonderful.

I find that once I find peace or a new perspective over an issue/trauma/pain I'm struggling with it is like putting on a new pair of glasses (or as Oprah says "an AHA moment") I really can't "see" the old way again. It's like something subtle has switched inside me. Such a wonderful peaceful feeling.

Wishing you lots of happy "new perspective" vibes

[Romana]

That is wonderful. It is such a journey. I'm glad that this space is supportive enough for you to be able to express changes in the way you feel about things. I know that as time passes, my opinions about various aspects of my births change. I would be very upset if someone said "Well, two years ago you said something completely different about that." Sure, of course I did. I'm not going to have the same opinions forever necessarily. It takes strength, learning, processing, time and courage to get to a new place and especially to be able to talk about it. I'm so glad for you that you are beginning to feel some measure of peace with what you went through.

[merebella]

Valkyrina, so glad to hear that you're healing. Your comment about the ventilators saving your babies instead of stealing them away really resonates with me. I'm starting to look at my birth that way, too, that maybe without the csec he wouldn't be healthy, or maybe not even here. Maybe instead of hating it, actually being thankful for the fact that csecs do exist and are available when medically necessary. Maybe giving up all the beautiful things I wanted for his birth was the ultimate sacrifice just so he could be healthy and alive. Thanks for sharing. It helps to see other moms who are coming to peace. Enjoy your sweet babes.

[Surfacing]

It's so good to hear you are finding peace with it now. It's not bragging to share your joy and healing.