Need help desperately...dad doesn't want baby...

[LLLKerry]

I am in a dire situation...my husband and I have 5 kids between us, 2 each when we got married, one together (3 and a half years old). I have always stayed at home and done childcare to support my kids from my first marriage and help pay our bills, but we don't have much $. I have always wanted one more baby and my husband decided he did not want anymore after our first child together was born. I was on the mini-pill after a bad experience with the IUD, and I wasn't as careful with them as I should have been. I am now 7 weeks pregnant and my husband is adamant that I have an abortion. I have been nurturing this pregnany, gave up all caffeine, eat well, take my prenatal vitamins, etc, and was praying my husband would come around. He has not, and is making me an appontment tomorrow for the abortion, apparently. I can't possibly destroy this precious new life that I have grown so attached to. But it seems as if he will divorce me (or at least resent me horribly) if I do not. I can't be a single parent again, this time with 4 children, and my parents will disown me if I choose that path. I have zero in financial regards. Both of our families would be horrified to find out I am pregnant (even though we are extremely devoted parents) because of our financial situation. I need advice desperately.

[kama'aina mama]

Oh my. I haven't any advice for you really. I know I could never have an abortion simply because someone else demanded it. I will pray for you.

[mamaduck]

Its not up to anyone except you. Your choice alone.

You are concerned that he will resent you. But is he considering the fact that *you* will feel resentment toward him, and carry with you a profound sense of loss, possibly forever?

You cannot control what he feels, or whether he stays or goes. Don't try. Do what *you* need to do to thrive in this life.

I'm angry that he is not supporting you in this.

[Charles Baudelaire]

I'd like to offer an obvious solution, one that will take a great deal of strength of will, and that is to give your child up for adoption. There are so many people who would love to be in your situation -- a mom of four -- and who cannot be parents of even one. You would be giving this child a chance at a life with two parents who genuinely wanted him (as opposed to only one who does).

I am sorry to be doubtful about your story, but one thought that crosses my mind is whether or not you intended more or less consciously to "not be as careful with [your pills] as [you] should" in order to force the issue and conceive a child in the hope your husband would accept it once it was a "done deal." If this is not the case (and I don't know, I wasn't there!) and I am being entirely unfair, then I apologize heartily.

If I am not, though, then in all honesty, you took a risk and you lost. Your husband was fair with you: he made it clear that he wanted no more children. What did you think his reaction would logically be?? It strikes me that you cannot in all conscience divorce him. For one, what has he done wrong? Make himself clear and then be consistent about what he said? It would be financially unwise for you and your children as well as very damaging to them, I would think.

It will take courage to give a child away. It will take a great deal of strength and love for that child and a willingness to put your child's needs ahead of your own. The child deserves a good home with people who want him, and he won't have that in your current situation, it seems to me. Forgive me if I have been too blunt, but no matter what, I wish you and all your family well in this difficult time.

[mamaduck]

I am sorry to be doubtful about your story, but one thought that crosses my mind is whether or not you intended more or less consciously to "not be as careful with [your pills] as [you] should" in order to force the issue and conceive a child in the hope your husband would accept it once it was a "done deal."

Holy crap. What a thing to say! If he was that concerned, then he should have taken responsibility for birth control himself.

[kama'aina mama]

Charles you owe her an apology on two counts. The first is the insinuation that she did this on purpose. It takes two people to make a baby. She was trying to use protection and he (you know... the one who is so adamant about not having any!) was, uh... let's now. Oh yes. He was having sex without taking any personal responsibility for the possible outcome. There are methods of contraception men can use... perhaps you hadn't heard. If he is so bloody concerned about having a baby he can wear a damn condom or get snipped. he had sex. He started a pregnancy. He is at least as responsible as she and in my mind more so. She was using contraception and he wasn't.

Secondly... she isn't threatening divorce. HE is. So who is being illogical and unconscienable? And "what has he done wrong?" Honestly! If you are going to say hurtful things to people at least take the time to read carefully and get the situation right!

[True Blue]

I think you will regret the abortion for the rest of your life and resent your husband for it so much that it will destroy your realtionship. Personally, I'd rather have the baby that is alive and I love and know I did nothing wrong and have my DH upset/resentful than feel crappy the rest of my life for a poor decision. At least you will know you did the right thing. Your DH is part responsible for the pregnancy, and terminating the life after the fact is not being responsible in the way of birth control. If you have ANY doubts about aborting this baby, DON'T DO IT. It will ruin you, and in the end probably your marriage as well anyway. Hugs to you...you are in a tough situation. Your husband may come around in time...if he leaves you, he just might realize what a silly reason it is for a divorce and come back home!! Prayers and hugs and good wishes....

[shelbean91]

I agree with everyone else. It's your choice, not his. If he want's this abortion so bad, let him have it. (of course, that's not possible- just trying to make a point)

He says he will divorce you if you don't do it. Honestly, if he forces you to go through with it, and you do it against your will, I don't think you have that great of a marriage to begin with. I think you will eventually resent HIM and will end up getting divorced anyway.

Have him make an appt for a vasectomy and figure out a way to provide for this new baby. What happens if you do go through with it and you end up pg again b/c of failed birth control? How would you and he deal with that?

[shelbean91]

Sorry, dup post.

[feebeeglee]

I posted a cross-link to this thread in Parents as Partners to get you some more insight, perhaps, on how to mend the relationship without sacrificing anything you may regret.

[LLLKerry]

reply to dad doesn't want baby

I so appreciate everyone's (even Charles') response. I feel worse than I ever knew I could. My husband went to Planned Parenthood today (they said I had to call) and then came home and gave me the number to call. I begged, pleaded, negotiated, etc., and he wouldn't budge. I actually called Planned Parenthood and sceduled the appointment for next week, sure that my husband would change his mind and tell me he would never make me go through that, but he did not. I called his mother, hoping I would have her support, and she agreed that it wasn't fair for my husband to have to support any more kids, that abortion, as sad as it is, was the only solution. I told my husband that I could never sleep with him again, that our trust had been shattered, and he said that he loved me more than anything and did not want to lose me, but...he was sorry if I had to make that choice (to divorce). I am so at a loss, I feel I will lose my mind (as well as have to give up being a LLL leader, I will ache desperately every time I see a baby). My whole life has been dedicated to my children, I always wanted more, and my husband should certainly have had a vasectomy, but I am to blame as well for not pushing that issue, I admit I did hope he would change his mind and one day agree to one more. He now is sceduling an appointment for the vasectomy . He knows how desperate I feel about all of this, but he is unshakable in his beleive that it will ruin his life if we have another, and his family all agree. I did look into adoption because although it would devestate me, it would hurt even more to kill this new life, and at least a family would be made very happy. But my husband said he could never terminate his parental rights (!!) once the baby was born. My other concern with adoption is how our other children (ages 3, 11, 12, 14, 19) would react. I do think it is a much better alternative than my husband wants, but again I have zero family support and only a low paying job, I can't make it on my own with my 3 children. I know no one can give me any answers, but I appreciate every reply, it makes me feel less alone, but ultimately my life will be irrevocably changed in every way, and I don't know how to cope.

[Arduinna]

Kerry, I'm so glad that came back and posted an update. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I wonder if there is someone that you two can get counseling from. I'm not sure if your a member of a church, synagogue or other spiritual group that may offer counseling. I'm not saying it will cure your problem, but at least it will give you additional support and maybe somehow you and your husband can come to a place of understanding and agreement.

You have my support no matter what you decide. Please do what is right for you though and not just what someone else wants.

[mamaduck]

His attitude is unreal. Its too late. He didn't have a vasectomy. You are pregnant. It is *very* wrong for anyone to coerce a woman into an abortion. Wrong, and sick. And very revealing that he would insist on this, but would not be willing to terminate parental rights after the fact.

I always wanted more, and my husband should certainly have had a vasectomy, but I am to blame as well for not pushing that issue, I admit I did hope he would change his mind and one day agree to one more.

This is untrue! You are not to blame. If he feels strongly enought to force you to have an abortion, then he should have forced the issue long before now by having a vasectomy. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. Not at all.

And you have no reason to feel guilty for wanting more children either.

What kind of man insists forces his wife to terminate a pregnancy by threat of divorce? IMO, not a very desirable man. Not a man with integrity.

[shelbean91]

Again, he can't make you do it. Only you can make the choice to go through with it and you're the one who has to live with the guilt every day of knowing what you've done. Your kids will find out someday- how will they react then?

It's not his choice, it's yours. If he chooses to leave you b/c you won't do this, that's his problem. I'm sure you'll find a way to support yourself. If you can't get a job right away, you can get state assistance and insurance.

Could you honestly stay with a man who coerced you into doing this? Let him make the choice to leave if he wants- you don't do anything you will regret. If you do go through with it and you ultimately divorce, then it will all be for nothing. How will you feel about this baby then?

Also, if you go to the planned parenthood appt, I believe there's a 24 hour waiting period and if you tell them you don't want to do it, I don't think they will do it anyway.

Edited to add: I am very prochoice, but what is happening here isn't your choice. If you posted this and said you wanted this, but were still sad about it, I would be behind you 100% and say sorry you're in this position. This is his choice, not yours and you don't want to do it. You don't have to.

[AdinaL]

Please follow only YOUR heart on this. Please don't let what he says, or what his family says make the decision for you. You sound like you already know what you want.

This is not his body, his choice. He does not have to live with the guilt the repercussions. Only you have to do that every day. I know it is hard, but if you do not want to abort, then you do not have to. And if he is so selfish as to say that he wouldn't be willing to terminate parental rights after the baby is born, so as not to give you another option other than abortion, then you really need to decide what you want and tell him how it will be.

None of this is your fault. It takes two people and he was the one who adamantly didn't want more children. He should have taken steps to insure he didn't have them.

You have my support no matter what happens. Much love and strength to you.

[feebeeglee]

I spoke with my husband about this, and he told me to ask you the following hypothetical question:

Suppose your DH had come home and told you he wanted you to take your 3 year old to the doctor's office and have the child killed...

What would your reaction be then?

The child you carry in your womb is wanted by you as much as the child you carry in your arms each night. Don't let the mere legality that killing one is permitted and killing the other is murder blind you to that fact.

[Artisan]

Oh, I'm so sorry you're in this horrible situation!

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Even if you had been 100% careful with your pills, accidents still happen. (My mother got pregnant on the pill, and I have two friends that did as well.) I agree with the others who said that if he was so concerned, he should have taken measures to keep this from happening.

Under no circumstances should you go through with the abortion unless YOU decide you want to. (And having your husband say he will divorce you is not making up your mind -- that is coercion!) It really doesn't sound like you want to terminate the pregnancy. I wouldn't do it. If he initiates divorce proceedings, have him explain to the judge that he wants a divorce because his wife wouldn't have an abortion. (That would not go over very well.)

I will be keeping you in my thoughts! ((((((hugs)))))))

[cassdarrow]

Mama, don't do it. Don't do it. Contact a post abortion support group, and find out more about the repurcussions you will be dealing with if you do.

I understand your DH says you have to, and I understand he threatened you. But in the end, it will be you on the table with your feet in the stirrups, allowing someone to kill your baby.

If he carries through on his threat, let him. Then when you go to court, take him for everything he's got. Alimony and child support. If that won't work, get state aid.

Don;t give yourself nightmares every night forever. You know your babe has a beating heart already? And precious tiny feet? As a previous poster said, the only difference in this one and your three year old is time, and legality.

Mama, don't do it.

[Tracy]

I know no one can give me any answers, but I appreciate every reply, it makes me feel less alone, but ultimately my life will be irrevocably changed in every way, and I don't know how to cope.

As far as I'm concerned your life is already irrevocalby changed in every way..... And it it not because of the baby. It is because of your husband's attitude.

I would not put his name on the baby's birth certificate and I would set up for adoption. I would also, start from this minute on ...figure out your escape route because under no circumstances would I continue in this relationship. Although, you don't need to fold him on that piece of data until you are ready.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. But saving this unborn baby is what your heart is telling you to do and i never think the heart is wrong.

[Zanymom]

ohh mommy i am so sorry this is happening to you!!! I really am. This is the worst. But please, please, please do not go through with the abortion. Cancel your apt. If you do not want it you should not do it. I agree with everything else that has been posted (well except charles). you will regret it and it will not be good for your marriage. I think you and your husband need more time decideing what to do.

Think about this....most of your kids are older....2 should be out of the house within the next 5 years. And then your baby will only be 5. And if you breastfeed and cloth diaper, it won't cost that much money for the new baby. In fact i bet there are alot of momma here that would donate diapers and clothes for your baby. I will. Anyways, by the time your baby is older and in school, you will only have 1 or 2 kids at home. You guys can do it!!!! I am sure there are programs in your town that can help.

As far as adoption...I had a baby that I placed for adoption. But while I was pregant I had so many offers from friends who wanted to take the baby and care for her until I could get back on my feet whether it be a year or 5 years. Do you know anyone who would be able to do anything like that for you? Then you could still keep in contact, and bring your baby home when you are ready? Just an idea....anything beside an abortion..


This makes me so sad. If you lived close i would come pick up you and your kids right now.

Please do not make any quick decision about this. Once again I am so sorry you have to go through with this. many hugs to you