Looking for suggestions to help a troubled teen

[gwen's mom]

I am looking for suggestions on how to assist my teenage brother. He has made a variety of poor choices which are getting him no where fast. Honestly I am concerned that he will end up in prison or dead. Here’s a synopsis:
•A. was adopted at birth. He was born to a teenage mom and there may have been some substance abuse during pregnancy. It was an open adoption and he still has contact with her. She has another son, about 10 years old, born after A., who she is raising.
•My brother J and I are biological children of our parents. We were 12 and 15 when A. was adopted. Both of my parents worked throughout A.’s childhood and he was shuffled among many childcare providers.
•Our dad is a self-centered, hot tempered a**. He really never cared to be bothered with his children until they were adults when he felt he could actually have conversations with us. He has demonstrated that he does not have time to be interested in A’s troubles.
•Our mom is hard working but an enabler of her husband and sons. All of the childrearing responsibilities fell and continue fall to her. She loves us dearly but not enough to stand up for us against Dad or to leave a loveless marriage.
•When A was about 14 he began running away. Then he started using drugs and alcohol. By 16 he was kicked out of school for using marijuana on school grounds. He has been to counselors, detention centers, rehabs, alternative schools, GRE programs etc, etc. He is now just weeks away from turning 18. He does not have a drivers license or a job and has no desire or skills to get either.
•Yesterday he waited in a car when one of his friends broke into a house and stole a collection of electronics and firearms. Thus far A. is cooperating with authorities but it is unclear what will come of this latest event. Today my mom tried to take A. to stay with our grandparents (they live on a farm in the middle of nowhere) in order to keep him out of any further trouble, but A refused to go.

I am a well educated professional working in the student affairs division of a university. I have seen my share of troubled kids and worked hard to help them but this time I feel absolutely stuck. I have suggested family counseling but it falls on deaf ears. I live over 1000 miles away from this train wreck and part of me wants to stay out of it completely, on the other side my parents both call and agonize over “What to do with A?” My mom has suggested more than a few times that he come live with Dh and I. (Dh is home all day with our LOs.) I have said no each and every time because I do not want to risk bringing drugs into my house with three little ones, despite the fact that I know we could provide him with a more stable environment than my parents do. We live in a college town and I am smart enough to know that there would be plenty of opportunities for him to get connected with “the wrong crowd” quite easily.

Part of me feels like A. is almost 18 and has to make some better choices for himself. On the other side I really struggle with knowing that he has no skills and will be stuck with menial jobs for the rest of his life (once he decides that he needs one) if he doesn’t make some changes. Advice and/or suggestions welcome.

[CarrieMF]

Have you talked to A about what A wants? Maybe he wants out of that life but doesnt' know how to do it where he currently is. Is your other brother an option?

[gwen's mom]

I have talked to A. and he either responds by saying he doesn't know what he wants or he wants almost unattainable things like becoming a professional skateboarder. A. has the attitude that partying is "cool" and "fun" and therefore that is what he wants to do. He has no desire to continue his education which is hard for me, being an educator. I recognize that not all of us are college bound but I wish he would at least finish high school.

Our other brother is a bachelor who lives on a farm about 3 miles from our parents. He works 4-12 hour overnight shifts so he really can't be around for A. when he gets board and into trouble.

[Dar]

If he's weeks away from turning 18, I really think that all you can do is let him know that you'll be there to help him out if he decides he wants to make some changes in his life, and then see what happens... and keep in touch with him, as best you can.

And just because he isn't finishing high school and going to college now, that doesn't mean that he never will... there are lots of options out there, and maybe a year or two of having to work at jobs he doesn't enjoy and living in the real world will make him look at things differently...

Dar

[calimommy]

Wish there was somehting out there to help you get through this.....:

[amy_n_boys]

((hugs))
I just got a copy of a fabulous book: A Fine Young Man: What Parents, Mentors, and Educators Can Do To Shape Adolescent Boys Into Exceptional Men by Michael Gurian

The title is misleading, though... it's actually a book about the emotional lives of boys and how things can get screwed up along the way. This book makes challenges like you described seem absolutely logical and normal when the underlying issues are not fully dealt with. He needs to understand that, and to have his 'core self' re-affirmed. It is SO not too late to do this.

One thing that resonates for me is that for boys, the second decade of life is like a fire burning... the boy can either have those around him that will refine the fire and help him make sense of the world, or he can be consumed by the flames and do the things you talked about. BUT this book has showed me that it's all so logical and approachable and has given me the words for something that seems so diffuse -- things i already knew in my heart that boys are feeling as they go through adolescence.

Good luck and you are awesome for wanting to help.

ETA: i see you are 1000 miles away... wanted to add that the teen kiddo that inspired me to get this book does not live with me but gets most of my 'parenting' that he craves via phone.