Are you tolerant of others parenting styles?

[rainsmom]

Just thought Id ask as I know moms who basically follow GD,but I think some interpret it differently than I. Some dc's are allowed to do pretty much whatever they want to.....some w/o consequences......while others instill boundaries etc.

So how do you remain tolerant to the differences in parenting styles?

[hipumpkins]

I don't verbally say anythig to another parent b/c I really believe unless there is actual violence it is none of my business. However, I seem to be more and judgemental in my own thoguhts as my DD gets older. She is only 13 1/2 months but I see so much of what I would NEVER even consider going on in other families and I am, in my own home, a head shaker.

[phathui5]

In a group like yours, where everyone's already gd, the only time I think I'd say something to another mom is if what she was letting her kid do was hurting someone. Like if her child kept hitting my ds or taking things from him.

[Piglet68]

I think I can honestly answer "yes", even though I'm so passionate about GD. One of my dearest friends has two young children and she spanks. I don't agree with how she disciplines, but I love her anyways. She adores her children and does the best she can under very very stressful circumstances. Her life is so much harder than mine, I don't feel in a position to judge her one bit.

Here on this board, however, is my "safe haven" and I get pretty upset when people start talking disrespectfully about GD. If anyone thinks it involves "letting children do whatever they want" then they are totally missing the point. And I don't want to hear about any discipline methods that involve spanking, or the idea of children "manipulating" or "running the show" etc.

[rainsmom]

I cant tell if some people interpret GD to be "running the show" or "manipulating" or "lets not break his spirit" mentality.......but, and this is just an observation.......it seems like thats how some people parent, some call it GD, others just not spanking. And this is just an observation, as I dont get into many conversations with people I know or see in public about how they parent/discipline etc....Im just watching. Though I do talk to some. To me, GD (or good discipline) is not just NOT spanking.

I try not to judge others as each child and family situation is different.......and its none of my business unless my dc is getting hurt.......but I see alot of parents struggling with the basics of discipline......consistancy, teaching consequences, etc., simply bc they want their dc to be "free"........or they dont want to say no to them. (Im thinking of a family member in particular)

Just curious how it affects everyones friendships with others who parent differently than you do.

[sleeping queen]

Dear Rainsmom, I can relate to your post. I've never heard of gd till I seen this website. My first reaction from reading a lot of the post is that gd was sort of a type of non discipline and with a lot of talking about it.

Your second paragraph is how I feel about raising children, boundries, consistency, teaching, and choices when appropriate. I believe sometimes a child has to do what they are told because essentially we are older , wiser, and know what is best.

I would never say anything to a parent unless advice was actually asked. Each parent has to do what they think is best for their children.

[rainsmom]

I would never say anything to a parent unless advice was actually asked.

Yea, me too.....but I think thats where it makes it harder sometimes.....

[scoutycat]

Originally posted by rainsmom
Yea, me too.....but I think thats where it makes it harder sometimes.....

Ikwim, sometimes it is so hard watching people parent ineffectively! At my (mainstream) playgroup, I sometimes see parents doing stuff that is just not working - on any level! I don't open my mouth, but if I get an opening, I'll suggest a book or something - ie, mom complains her sibs fight constantly - I'll say, That must be frustrating! YK, I was reading this book the other day that had some really good things to say about that. If you're interested, I could write down the name for you Then I sort of get my say, they can take it or leave it, and I haven't imposed my style on anyone!

[Piglet68]

Well if people want to call something GD when it isn't, that doesn't change what GD is.

You're right, some people just don't want to spank, but have no idea of what TO do. Having no plan is almost as bad as having too harsh a plan, IMO.

I also think that most parents who spank, yell, etc would much rather not do that if they only had the tools or information they needed to approach the problem from a different perspective. That's why I, too, will offer books for people to read if they ask for any advice.

"Violence begins where knowledge ends"
-Charles de Kunffy

[momsgotmilk4two]

I try not to be judgemental about anything and I'm finding it easier the older and more experienced as a parent I get. I am constantly humbled by my children:LOL I honestly don't know if I practice GD or not anymore. I have been told by some that any form of punishment, timeout, or priveledges taken away does not qualify as GD. If this is true, then that's not us. We don't spank and I try (getting better at this) to not yell and to be an effective disciplinarian. My kids have quite a bit of freedom and are expected to act like kids, but there are certain behaviors that I can't tolerate for all of our sakes.

[monkeysmommy]

One of the most valuable things that I have gotten from becoming a parent is that through trying to parent gently, I have come to become more gentle with *everyone*, adults too.

As I try to treat my daughter the way I would like to be treated, I am getting better at treating everyone the way I would like to be treated. I used to be a lot more judgemental of other parenting styles, but ever since my daughter became a toddler, I have been able to cut people some slack a lot more easily.

I mean, there are people I know whose kids are really wild and it would be easy for me to sit here and say they don't discipline them at all, but I just really don't know the whole story of their lives. I think those parents have probably made their own choices regarding how they will discipline their kids, and that is their business. If it comes to the point where their kids are hurting me or my child, then and only then it becomes my business. Even then I think I would try to look at the specific incident involved, rather than making a statement about their parenting.

I'm sure there are those out there who would probably say I was too lenient of a parent because of certain things I allow. (Leaving the table and returning several times during a meal comes to mind - annoying, but I have decided it is a battle not worth fighting)

Then there are those who parent a lot more strictly than I do. I just figure they have different values and priorities than me. I'm sure I would feel differently if a child was being physically or verbally abused, but I don't know anyone like that, so I'm not sure what I would do.

Parenting is hard. I figure most people are doing what they think is best.

[rainsmom]

That was well said Monkeysmomma!

[monkeysmommy]

Thanks!

[levar]

My initial reaction was "yes" but honestly as I think about it "it depends" really. I am VERY 'in your face' toward friends and family when they let their babies CIO. And when I see them or even total strangers getting 'hot under the collar' I tend to step in with a "can I help" or "aren't kids trying sometimes, have you considered" etc. At the same time I could care less if other kids are running circles in a restraunt, lying on the grocery floor screaming, etc. I pretty much give the parents a smile and a nod and look away thinking "what ever works".

And, "ditto", I really like what monkeysmomma wrote too!! Thanks!

[Alstrameria]

No I am not. I tried to word it to sound a little less harsh, but I'm really not. I can't tolerate spanking, CIO or disrespect.

Dd and I work together.

sleeping queen, I may be older, but I have learned too much from my baby to bank on being wiser and knowing what's best

Jen

[Mona]

Originally posted by Alstrameria

I may be older, but I have learned too much from my baby to bank on being wiser and knowing what's best

Jen

I agree. I believe that it is our children who are really our teachers.

[scoutycat]

Originally posted by Alstrameria

sleeping queen, I may be older, but I have learned too much from my baby to bank on being wiser and knowing what's best

Jen

ITA. Besides, I clearly don't always know best; she's in her body and only she knows if her tummy hurts or something, or if she's generally uncomfy with something for whatever reason. Just bc we have different views of the world doesn't mean hers is less valid. It's my responsibility to help her manage her life, and have foresight that she might not have and stuff, but I have to meet her where she's at and respect her needs and wants, kwim?

[CrunchyChristian]

I guess it depends.

My good friend is a spanker and adores her kids. We're discussed why I've choose this road and that was that. Her mom on the other hand, sigh. I went to visit them when Cody was a month old. Her mom (who I love dearly), grabbed Cody from me and headed towards the bedroom saying something about "he needs to learn to sleep on his own". Of course, I was right behind her, picked him up off the bed and said, "no he doesn't" and went about my business. She's still laughing about us co-sleeping. It doesn't bother me anymore. I'm not worried about where he sleeps, just him being at peace and happy.

I think in this world, we'll have plenty of opposition on our parenting as well plenty that angers us. Unless I see someone crossing the line, I don't step in. Being a Christian, I see spanking all too much as the accepted norm. I offer advice when asked or if I choose to defend myself, but that's it.

[Piglet68]

Originally posted by CrunchyChristian
Being a Christian, I see spanking all too much as the accepted norm.

Why is that? I mean, I know that some of the spanking books out there try to use the Bible to back up their statements about spanking and harsh discipline (they have to, since science sure doesn't back it up!), but I didn't think that spanking was any more prevalent among Christians....now I'm wondering?

[village idiot]

Being a Christian, I see spanking all too much as the accepted norm

I'm wondering why too.