very aggressive special needs child (age 3 1/2)

[Super Glue Mommy]

at my wits end. The last thing I want to do is isolate him, as I realize there are feelings behind his aggression, but I need help if I'm not going to do that, because for the safety of everyone else in the house, he needs to be isolated when he is raging (until I can find a better way)

What do I mean by him raging? hitting his sister or myself over and over against with his hands or an object, or throwing HUGE hard objects at us. Sometimes it's from anger or frustrations (raging) and sometimes its just from over excitement / over stimulation.

What have I tried? I've tried giving him names for his feelings. Showing him healthy ways to express those feelings. Time in. Time out. Positive Reinforcement. Redirection. Taking Away the toy he throws. Giving him toys he can throw and a place to throw them (made a foam block toss this morning) Telling him its not okay, and what is okay. Telling him he is hurting us. Teaching him to take a break when he needs to. I have tried intervening before it gets to this point, but he goes from perfectly happy to extremely angry in 2 seconds. Or sometimes, he SEEMS happy, but then suddenly lashes out. Sometimes he seems calm enough, but then has a random burst of energy that goes from him doing nothing to expressing this anger by hitting or knocking someone down. There is also inappropriate behavior (sitting on the baby, pushing a pillow down on top of the baby, trying to wrestle with the baby.)

My ultimate goal is for him to recognize what his feelings are, and us appropriate words and actions or "take a break" when needed. I feel like I currently flinching at every movement he makes. I am worried for him as he gets older/bigger/stronger. It's bad enough as it is right now.

Please tell me an alternative to time out if there is any, or an approach I can take. I have tried calmly holding him but
1) I cant get past the feeling I am torturing him by doing this.
2) it's not practical solution when I have 2 other small children to care for
3) its not practical solution when I have to tend to another injured child.

He gets time with just me. Whether its small moments that I just try to connect with him and make good eye contact, or me sitting down and playing a game with him, or taking him outside to run around just the 2 of us (I do this usually once a day).

What can I do that will help this problem at the source? I feel like time outs are only modifying the behavior, not addressing the emotions behind the behavior... is there a way I can make time out "take a break" not a negative thing that does address his behavior? Is there another solution that will allow me to teach him without neglecting the needs of injured children while I try to meet whatever need is missing and causing the behavior?

HELP!!!!

[bobandjess99]

what exactly is his "special needs"?? this will greatly influence the responses, and options you have. What level of mental and emotional abilities does he have, and is he expected to be able to have? What might work for an autistic child is potentially very different from a SPD child, or ODD child, or what might work for a child who might never have reasoning abilities is different from a child who can learn reason, etc??

[Super Glue Mommy]

he is on the autistm spectrum, but not "typical" speech delay, sensory problems, eye contact and social cue problems, but none are extreme. sometimes, he seems like a totally normal child (aside from his speech delay). I really don't know what to think. He has learned other rules without a problem. The hitting problem didnt begin until a few months after he started school...

[Super Glue Mommy]

I want to add also, that I have read a TON of books on gentle discipline, but I'm willing to read more! they do help me, in general, but I am yet to find a solution in any of those books for this issue that works. and nothing I am thinking up on my own is working either. I know something will work though, I just need to find out what that is. Book recommendations welcome, but please if you have rad the book give me something to go on in the meantime!!

[AndVeeGeeMakes3]

I feel the same way about time-outs that you do. However, we're starting to have to use something like a timeout with our dd (also SN). In order to NOT make it punitive, I say, "Oh, honey, I see you're getting frustrated. Let's spend some time resting/chilling out/alone until you feel better." She has a "pouting chair" that she'll go to, or, if she's not willing to cooperate, I'll put her in her crib (yeah, she's still in a crib!). And I try to stay as close by as possible, so she doesn't feel like I'm leaving her there. Also, I try to catch it before she gets out of hand. That way it's not a punishment, but a proactive thing. I'm anticipating her need to express her frustration, not reacting to the explosion. I'm not saying she likes it, but I'm trying to give her words, like you are, to express what's happening to/inside her AND I'm providing a safe environment for everyone else. I think when it becomes a safety issue, separation is really the best choice.

Also, I think that GD just looks really really different in a SN household than a typical household. A kiddo on the spectrum has different needs and since GD is about meeting needs (and NOT about a set of rules), I think we sometimes have to allow ourselves to have a paradigm shift in terms of what seems gentle and what is traditional-GD gentle. KWIM?

Big to you!

[Super Glue Mommy]

thanks! I just hate for my son to feel like "she just doesnt understand me" but, the truth is, I DONT. I want to. and I want to help him to help me understand him. Until we can find a better way though, it seems seperation is our only safe bet. but then it seems unfair because that is not what is necessary to discipline my daughter when she acts out. so then I find myself giving her "time outs" to be fair to my son, but they have different needs - I want to find a way to meet both their individual disciplinary needs without seeming unfair. and I dont want my son to feel like, when I'm upset no one cares i should just go away but like you said, its just a different dynamic is a SN child. I have no read one book that addresses this in enough detail for me (handling aggression in SN child while validating their feelings and keeping other children safe) Its not a unique problem, but I find its just not addressed...

[Magella]

There's a book by Stanley Greenspan called The Challenging Child (I think, it's been awhile) that you might find helpful. I also found The Explosive Child to be extremely helpful.

My child's special needs are, of course, different from your child's as each child is different. We found that time out was necessary for helping her learn to regulater her behavior and emotions, and what that looked like in our home was telling her to sit in the same room with us until she was calm, with minimal to no interaction with her until she was calm (this was helpful to her, as when she was upset too much interaction prevented her from calming down). While we told her to sit each time she became aggressive, it was that much better to catch her at the first sign that she was becoming frustrated and either tell her to sit or suggest a calming activity as a break--reminding her we'd talk about the problem when she was calm. We view taking time out as a coping skill-it's really important to be able to remain reasonably calm or to calm down in order to solve a problem/cope effectively with frustration. With regard to empathy, the fewer words the better: "Angry. You're angry." while taking her to sit. Alongside this, we spent a lot of time throughout the day working on helping her learn to better identify and communicate feelings, and on helping her develop coping and problem solving skills.

I will say that in our home safety always comes first, and there absolutely were times when dd had to be isolated in order for everyone (including her) to be safe. In our home the best place was my bedroom or hers, and either I could stay in there with her with the door shut while my other two were in a safe place or I could stand in the doorway to prevent her from exiting while still being able to watch my other kids. Also, very close supervision was key. It was a pain, but there were stretches of time when I literally could not allow her to be alone in the next room with the other kids--I had to be right there to step in as soon as I thought aggression might be possible.

I found this to be helpful in identifying triggers and skills my child needed to improve in order to do better: http://www.thinkkids.org/core/pathways.aspx

[AndVeeGeeMakes3]

You're totally right that there's not much literature on discipline and the SN child, especially in a family dynamic where there are other children. In one way it's similar to typical households in that rarely are two children alike in what they need in terms of discipline. My parents used spanking (which I do not believe in) and it worked for me, simply because I was humiliated at the thought of it. My brother, only 22 months younger than me, could not have cared less - spank him and five minutes later he was back doing whatever it was that got him in trouble in the first place. Now, clearly, spanking is not an option for you or for us, but the point is that different kids react to different disciplinary tools differently (bunch of difference! ).

I was loathe to use timeouts for a long time because Grace is an only child. So being alone was not really different than not. It's changed now, though, because I need to make a statement with her that she needs to figure out how to regulate/communicate her emotions before she gets out of control. Because of her sensory issues, I just think the quietness of a "timeout" is really a helpful thing for her. That may be the case with your little guy.

As far as how it's perceived in terms of fairness, I think that if it's not characterized as punishment, but rather a cooling-off opportunity, it doesn't have to be "unfair." If that kind of consequence of whatever you want to call it isn't necessary for your daughter, then I wouldn't use it.

[Super Glue Mommy]

thank you so much ladies. I think at this time, what I really need to focus on is having an approach to time out that is more of a tool for the child to learn to use to learn to regulate themselves, then a tool for me to use to control them with indifference to how they feel. I just need to find the right words for our family that sends my son the message I care how you feel, we can talk about it when you are calm, and taking a break is something I am teaching you to help you.

I will look into the explosive child book. explosive is certainly the word... all the advice in this thread was very helpful, and I am going to look at the link provided as well.

[Magella]

Originally Posted by Super Glue Mommy

but then it seems unfair because that is not what is necessary to discipline my daughter when she acts out. so then I find myself giving her "time outs" to be fair to my son, but they have different needs - I want to find a way to meet both their individual disciplinary needs without seeming unfair.

I once read a really fantastic article (?) about "fairness" in a family where there are both typical and special needs children. In essence, the author pointed out that in a family, "fair" means everyone gets their individual needs met to the best of the parents' abilities. Meeting the individual needs of individual children will mean that sometimes, one child will receive more of a parent's time out of necessity or that discipline for one child will look different from discipline for the other child(ren). Different doesn't automatically mean unfair.

[Super Glue Mommy]

thanks Magella. I was just reading this in "playful parenting" which brought it to my attention that I do try to be a "this for that" with my parenting instead of just giving them what they need, individually.