Help me be gentle but firm

[grniys]

The title pretty much says it.

DS1 is 20 months old and we have a new baby in the house. Dh is deployed. A lot has happened the past several months (including a cross country move) so he's had lots of big changes.

He bites, he hits and he throws things. Not all the time... sometimes he is the sweetest, calmest, most gentle little boy. He'll come up to me and hug me, he'll kiss his baby brother... but then other times he's throwing things, smacking his brother, hitting me and biting.

I've stopped the time outs because they weren't working. I realized I started yelling recently, so I'm trying to stop that because that makes him yell.

So what DOES work? I need to teach him that it's not ok to throw things, to hit or to bite, but I want to do so in a gentle way.

And while book recommendations are nice, I won't have time to actually read a whole book for a while.

[Mama Mko]

What worked for us is to give an alternative. Be firm that A is not acceptable, Let's do B instead.

Example: 1: We do not hit. We use gentle hands. Gentle. You may hit the pillow if you feel like hitting. 2: We do not throw toys. We throw balls (outside if that applies for you). 3: We do not bite people. We can bite an apple, a washcloth, etc if you feel the need to bite.

Consistency is key. I tried to not give Alexander access to Jack if he was in a hitting mood. Then I reinforced it every time with "We do not hit people. We hit pillows." Then he would say it himself. "Can we hit pillows, Mama?" "Yes! We can! Let's hit pillows!"

I hope that helps.

[mama_mojo]

He's little. Just be firm. Know that this is not that big of a deal. It's like diapers, really. You could go crazy trying to get a kid out of diapers or you could keep moving toward the potty, knwing your 6 yo won't be wearing diapers. This is the same thing. These behaviors will fade, especially if you keep pointed in that direction.

[grniys]

Thanks for the suggestions.

[berkeleyp]

Sounds like you've all had a tough few months with all the changes.
I am by no means an expert but I've heard it said and it has proven true in my house, that kids behave better with routines so they have consistency and know what to expect. I have become much more regimented than I ever was before since having #2 and I do find it helps. We have set routines that are pretty much the same everyday. I also make sure to spend quality time with my older dd. I give her priority over chores/internet/etc while the baby naps and also spend time playing with her while holding the baby - even if its 5-15 mins between other things, it helps her feel like she is still important and is less likely to "act out" for attention. Good luck mamma.