Anyone do "time-ins?" If so, how do they work at your house when you have two kids?

[Elijah's Mom]

I guess ... my approach tends to be (or at least, I aim for it to be) mostly about connection, positive discipline oriented. We don't do and have never done "time outs" -- though in thhe past, we used "take a break and come back in when you feel ready" kinds of spaces when our elder child (5.5) hit his then infant sister or something.

But lately, I've been trying to do time-ins (where I sit with them on the couch), since I really do believe that finding connection often remedies most "behavior" issues (sibling related, usually; or cleaning-up, etc.). But it still feels punitive to me -- maybe because I feel mad -- and also, I don't know what to do with the other child as I am having a focused time-in with the one I'm focusing on at the moment.

I feel like I'm just not getting it. So if you all are using this approach, can you tell me about it? How do you do it? When? What do you do during the time-in? What do you allow them to do during the time-in (i.e. can they be playing? must they stay with you?) Do you include both kids?

Becca

Becca

[Elijah's Mom]

oops -- duplicate post

oops duplicate post

[Elijah's Mom]

This is what I mean -- does anyone do this?

Originally Posted by Elijah's Mom

Time In:
Building a Comfort & Cuddle Corner

“Time Out” has become an icon for parenting, care-giving and supervising children. Most homes, daycares, church nurseries and other established places for children have an area designated for the often-used Time Out.

Time Out is used for various “offenses.” In some homes and institutions, in fact, it’s used for most offenses. The standard protocol goes something like this: a child misbehaves, is removed from play and is required to sit in time out. The prevailing “rule of thumb” is one minute for each year of age.

Because Time Out was developed and is implemented as an alternative to spanking, it’s used primarily as a replacement punishment. Although Time Out is not the worst discipline tool ever developed, it’s certainly not the most effective. There are other, more beneficial discipline tools.

I’d like to offer reasons to consider reducing or eliminating the Time Out tool in your home:

(1) Time Out is typically thrown at a child in the absence of actual teaching. A child who seems to need a Time Out more likely needs some instruction, guidance, role playing or re-direction.

(2) Time Out usually involves isolation, causing a child to experience stress and discomfort. Isolation teaches nothing of value and does not impart knowledge or experience.

(3) Time Out is rarely related to the issue of concern, and a child is unable to relate the discipline to the event that precipitated it.

I’d like to suggest a completely different idea: Let’s do “Time In” instead.
The premise behind Time In considers both long- and short-term issues. It teaches a child how to nurture and care for themselves. In the short term, it’s a tool that can be suggested by the parent and used by the child daily.

Instead of a Time Out chair, the “Cuddle Corner” is a designated area in your home that is to be used for rejuvenation, reflection, lowering of intensity, regrouping and child-directed down time. It’s a place where comfort is available, and company, too, if requested.

A child isn’t sent to Time In, they are invited to go. Unlike Time Out, the child isn’t sent alone; he/she can have company. He doesn’t need to sit and wait; he can engage in comforting, soothing and appropriate play.

When we created our first Cuddle Corner, I talked to my (then) 2 kids and told them what we were doing. In simple terms, I explained that “we are making an area of our home, near everyone, where we can go when our behavior is less than acceptable. It’s a place for us to learn to make ourselves feel better so we can join the family again. It’s to be used by children and adults.” I had the kids gather some of their favorite stuffed animals, blankets and books. We put them near a special and comfortable chair in the family room, and then we sat in the Cuddle Corner and talked. I told them how we would be using these items and that I would be with them whenever they felt they needed me there.

Cuddle Corner works like this: a child would get upset and the usual re-direction wouldn’t work, or, they would have a series of unacceptable behaviors. I would suggest the Cuddle Corner and offer to go with them. We would sit and cuddle, read, and hold our stuffed animals. When they felt ready, they could rejoin the family. Since we had already talked about the problem (as in “you are having trouble not hurting your sister, and I think the Cuddle Corner might help”), I do not talk about it again.

I used it consistently for a long time, and then stopped. When my third child turned 2 and exhibited certain aggressive behaviors, I realized we were in need of it again. We went through a similar process and, because the kids were a little older, renamed it Comfort Corner. We added meditation books, Bibles, a candle. We also do our family devotion and prayer there.

OK, OK! I can hear those readers unfamiliar with positive discipline saying: “Oh, this doesn’t make any sense. How can you reward bad behavior? You’ve got to be kidding!” I understand your reaction because I had the same one. I changed my mind when I tried it and saw that it consistently decreases unacceptable behavior and helps prevent the child from repeating the same problems. My experience is that the kids learn more about self-control using the Comfort Corner than they would after 100 Time Outs.

With the Comfort Corner, you are teaching your children vital skills that they will be able to use for a lifetime. And just as important, you are building a relationship with your child that is defined by trust, respect, and confidence.

[SweetPotato]

I only have one dd (3yo), and what we do instead fo time-outs is to similarly take a break for connection together. We usually read a book or two- this calms everyone down- and then we can talk about what happened, how we each felt, and what more appropriate actions we could take in the future. I would think this might work well even with a younger child around, just because there's no reason that she couldn't enjoy the story/break as well- and perhaps learn something by watching the BRIEF conversation that you have with your older child afterward. I know that some people would say that taking a story break is rewarding the bad behavior, but really I find that it is just such a nice diffuser-- it takes enough thought that dd relaxes and re-focuses her attention, and I get my emotions in check as I read-- then we both really are ready to have a teaching moment about the behvior (I really believe that the heat of "battle" is not a good time to try to teach a child anything- they have to cool down and connect first!)

[ihugtrees]

No suggestions but I'd like to hear what others have to say on this. Having been a nanny for four years now, I am definitely familiar with 'time-out', but I have always felt that it doesn't really work.

[SunShineSally]

Time in's I think I'll LOVE IT

I have no words of advice but I think I am going to try this with Ds starting today! I have been feeling a little unconnected with him lately he is 4 1/2 it could be because I do not need to lay with him for him to sleep anymore and if he wakes in the night I just get asked to tuck him in his toddler bed in my room instead of coming and crawling in my bede and he weaned a little over a year ago (I think I am having growing up issues ) He also has taken an attatchment to my DP now I love that he loves him and vise versa do not get me wrong but all this seperation in a short period of time I am a Mama here I need my lovings Okay back to the point I think maybe I would feel more connected to him if we approached our lissues this way instead I do tend to GD since I made a HUGE effort to not yell as much and Ds NEVER EVER took to time outs he just cried and I mean histerically cried to the point I only tried it 2 times because of how histerical he was he basicly lead me to GD him because of how sensitive he is and I was also scared when he started pre school they would try to do time outs and I told his teacher is is way to sensitive to handle time outs she just looked at me like I had 27 heads I do disipline him in a similar mannor to this but this is much more what I think he would need so Thank you so much for this post I feel like I found exactly what I was looking for for my Ds and I, I knew I needed to come to this forum today. Thanks.

Sorry to be so off topic my main words of advice I can give would be to BREATHE and close your eyes for 2 seconds as you breathe that is what helped me it sopped me from getting to that overwhelming point where I could look at it all and say okay he is just 4 years old how do I handle this situation? Now it doesn't always work but wow it does change it drasticlly and the sibling thing trust me it is normal I have an older sister but let me tell you we grew up to be best friends but man did we fight no matter what and did and do we love each other I could not imagine my life with out her. My mom tried everything for us to not fight but we still did so try not to stress about that that is just what happens my nephews fight like crazy but they love each other and they are 10 and 4 hang in there Mama and enjoy the fact you have happy beautiful heathy children!

::::
Karen

[Super Glue Mommy]

here is where I get stuck with "time in" with 2 children. I would LOVE to use this method, but the only time I really feel the need to use this (that other natural/logical consequences cant be used) is when the child is being physically violent towards another. if its toward me, I can use time in... but if its toward a sibling? I feel that sends the wrong message to the one who was hurt. "Your brother hit you, but I'm going to snuggle HIM on the couch" while this may be fine AFTER I console the hurting child, what do I do with the "hurter" while I tend to the "hurtee" since if the "hurter" is still out and about (hurter usually being my son) he starts to throw things at us! I currently feel like I have to "put him in isolation" while I tend to the hurt child. I dont want to, but what else can I do? I don't call it time out, I say, "lets take a break. you might be feeling _____ (angry, frustrated, over excited, over stimulated, etc) I'll be right back after I help fix your sisters boo boo and help you. you can come join us before then if you get calm on your own"... I try to teach the right ways to handle his feelings, the words for his feelings, to "take a break" before it gets to that point, etc... he is usually SCREAMING though so I don't think he hears me while I am moving him to take a break... he is ABLE to hear me afterward, but its VERY hard to get eye contact and know he is listening/hearing me.

Is the part where you are trying to tend to the other child the part where you get stuck too?

[gini1313]

The only time I really do what would be considered "time ins" is when dd hits either me or ds or another child. Dd is not quite 2 and Ds is 5.5. I guess it works for us because Ds doesn't actually get hurt when dd hits him, just mad. I think that because we sit on the stairs rather than "cuddling on the couch," it doesn't look so much to ds like she is being rewarded.

I don't know that this is as gentle as the example that was given, but it is working for us. Dd started hitting me and other kids just before a year. For a while I didn't want to be around other kids because she was hitting so much. It was pretty much constant. She would pick a kid and just seem to target them. People kept telling me I needed to put her in a time out (in a room by herself) or start spanking her. I wasn't ok with either of these options, so I tried a bunch of things and this was what worked the best for us. I was not ok with time outs by herself, but I am ok with suggesting that a child take some space to calm down (with or without me). At her age (which started at 12 months or so), she was too young to understand that concept though.

If she hits someone, I pick her up and say we don't hit and carry her to the stairs and sit on the bottom step with her on my lap. Sometimes she is hitting because she angry and then she will usually dissolve into tears and sit in my lap and cry. Other times, she is hitting for reasons I don't understand and then sometimes she won't want to sit with me. I tell her that she needs to stay with me until she shows gentle touches so everyone will be safe. She will usually calm right down and show me gentle touches. Then, when she gets up, she will usually (I will suggest it, but not insist on it) go show the child she hit gentle touches (and sometimes she says sorry, but that is totally on her own). If Ds is hurt, I would comfort him first, and then take her to the stairs to talk about it/calm down. If it is another child, I tell them sorry, and let their mother comfort them while I take care of Dd.

I feel comfortable making her stay in the "time in" because to me it is an issue of safety. She needs to know it isn't ok to hurt people and that I am going to keep everyone safe (including her). This is what I did with ds when he was smaller and got out of control (differently, but he is VERY spirited so he could get in a spiral and couldn't get out of it) and it morphed to his going to sit on the stairs by himself when he felt himself getting out of control. Later he started going to play in his room by himself when he needed to.

[ssh]

I've seen someone use a time in with an 18 month old little girl while we were visiting. If she hit or bit my DD while playing her daddy would pick her up and say 'if you can't play nice you have to sit with me for awhile'. She would sit on his lap and watch what he was doing or play with stuff on his desk. It worked really well and she played better when he put her down. I've used time in techniques with my DD (whose 3) in a similar way. If she can't play nice, stay with us in public, or hold my hand near roads and parking lots, I pick her up and she's stuck with mommy for a bit. Also if my DD is doing something dangerous I pick her up and bring her with me to help me with whatever I'm doing.
It's not really punishment, but it's not a reward either. My DD doesn't like to have her activity stopped by being held or sitting in my lap. Those situations are always safety ones though. She doesn't mind going to a different room and doing something else as much.

[sapphire_chan]

My mom would do time-ins with kids she was babysitting at the park. If they tried to hit another kid or something she'd tell them that it seemed like they needed some attention and would have them sit with her on the bench and chat for a bit.

As a kid, I generally needed time to myself, so I'd usually go (read: stomp ) to my room. My little brother, otoh, was very physical and he'd need and get cuddles.

Often when we were fighting we'd get "do you two need help figuring out something to do? Because there are plenty of chores...oh you have a game to play? Good!"

[Super Glue Mommy]

Originally Posted by ssh

I've seen someone use a time in with an 18 month old little girl while we were visiting. If she hit or bit my DD while playing her daddy would pick her up and say 'if you can't play nice you have to sit with me for awhile'. She would sit on his lap and watch what he was doing or play with stuff on his desk. It worked really well and she played better when he put her down. I've used time in techniques with my DD (whose 3) in a similar way. If she can't play nice, stay with us in public, or hold my hand near roads and parking lots, I pick her up and she's stuck with mommy for a bit. Also if my DD is doing something dangerous I pick her up and bring her with me to help me with whatever I'm doing.
It's not really punishment, but it's not a reward either. My DD doesn't like to have her activity stopped by being held or sitting in my lap. Those situations are always safety ones though. She doesn't mind going to a different room and doing something else as much.

the situation, in my experience, isn't about there being 2 children, but there being more children then adults. You were able to comfort your daughter (if needed) while the other parent did time in with their own child. I am curious how you do time in with 1 child, when you have another who has just been hurt watching you give attention to the one who hurt you instead of comforting the one who got hurt. In my case, its 3 children to 1 adult. I would love to give time out with my son without making my daughter feel like he is getting attention for hitting her, especially when the whole reason he hit her is because its her turn to get mommy's attention... (and vice versa)

[sapphire_chan]

I have no recollection of my mom doing a time-in when a kid actually succeeded at hitting another kid. It was always when they tried to. As an older sibling, I'd hit my little brother a lot, and he was always the one who got attention, but then I wasn't hitting him to get attention for myself.

The hurt child gets help first. thEN, If YOU THINK THAT the hitting child was looking for attENTION and that's WHy they hit, you give the attention they need.

[Super Glue Mommy]

^I agree with that, that is our approach. my problem is I dont like time out, but I need to stop myself and my daughter from being attacked while I am trying to help her.

example: DD hits DS. I stop her, and help DS, then I can give DD attention. no problem.
example2: DS hits DD. I stop him, help DD, and if DS is still in room he throws large objects at us to show how angry he is. *sigh* I have to remove him for this reason, but it makes me feel SO bad, not at all the approach I want to take, but not sure what else to do.

sorry for hijacking the thread!

[gini1313]

[QUOTE=Super Glue Mommy;13160977example: DD hits DS. I stop her, and help DS, then I can give DD attention. no problem.
example2: DS hits DD. I stop him, help DD, and if DS is still in room he throws large objects at us to show how angry he is. *sigh* I have to remove him for this reason, but it makes me feel SO bad, not at all the approach I want to take, but not sure what else to do.

sorry for hijacking the thread![/QUOTE]


What if instead of removing him, you remove her? If you are comforting dd, and ds is throwing stuff at you, tell him that you can't stay with him if he is going to hurt you and pick up dd and go to another room (with a lock if need be), then when dd is ok, go do your time in with ds.

Or, could you spend time with both of them? Instead of taking one of them to the couch and leaving the other one alone, could you tell them that it looks like you all need to reconnect and sit on the couch with one of them on either side of you, snuggle them both, and then talk about what happened with both of them? That will only work if ds will sit there without hitting dd, of course.

[Super Glue Mommy]

those are good ideas, I like the idea of us ALL connecting. I've tried it a few times sometimes it works, sometimes it just escalates the situation and the "hurted" ends up hurting the "hurtee". Leaving the room might be a good option for us though, I never thought about that. I can certainly try!

[Super Glue Mommy]

okat wait - I am still stuck on one part - leaving the room being a good idea, I'm still at a brick wall. I need to comfort the child who was physically hurt first, but I can't do that while the hurter is in the room still because my son continues hurting and throwing things sometimes.

in the case where he cannot calm down enough to stop hurting us while I comfort the hurt child, what if I move him to his room, and say I will meet you here in a minute, take care of the hurt child, and then go and comfort the (emotionally hurting) child via "time in"