I just had a somewhat disheartening and frustrating conversation with one of my sisters. And it reminded me of moments here where we have discussed the issue of "discreet" breastfeeding ... that is, whether emphasizing how 'discreet' breastfeeding can be, does a disservice to lactivism and becomes a 'six of one, half-dozen of the other' measure, wherein for every woman who becomes more comfortable about breastfeeding, knowing she can do so 'discreetly' (whatever that means), there is someone else interpreting that as 'breastfeeding should be hidden....'
So .... I've been breastfeeding for most of the past 5+ years. I'm from a breastfeeding family; all my sisters have breastfed their biological children (that makes four of us thus far) - duration ranging from 4 months of exclusive bf, to weaning at 6 months or a year (or obviously in my case, past two years of age second time 'round now
)....
So my older sister, who's bf all three of her children, was describing a local controversy; apparently a mother was breastfeeding at a restaurant, and when another customer complained, the restaurant told that customer that the mother's right to bf was protected. So the customer wrote a nastygram to the local paper and there was a big controversy (cue the standard "NIP Scandal" music) .....
My sister's take on it was that the baby was only 3-4 months old, but the mother probably should have been more discreet, although she had no idea whether the mother was being discreet or not. Sister says, "I was too uncomfortable to bf in public at all, I always used formula in public!" She notes that she doesn't eat in front of other people often, herself, even as defense.
I told her, one person's 'discreet' is another person's 'harlot,' the bottom line is that the mother was feeding her baby the way that everyone recommends, and there's nothing sexual about it. And that especially for a young, first-time mother, it's awkward learning how to nurse comfortably in public. I told her, mothers should nurse however is comfortable for them and their baby, whether it's with a cape (which she'd never heard of), or nursing top, or their shirt pulled down, or whatever [that was her definition of OTT and immodest]. And that it wasn't and shouldn't be those mothers' concerns what sort of judgmental or dirty thoughts others might have about doing the right thing for her baby. And pointed out that I've nursed my 2 1/2 year old in public without issues. And that some babies latch on/off suddenly, or insist on an uncovered breast, and should those moms be in purdah for the duration? I've just been lucky not to have a babe like that.
Sister agrees ... BUT ... "You know, elanorh, you're so discreet, no one ever knows you're nursing. Not everyone is that careful and considerate."
I shot back that I've had a lot of practice, and again, it's less about me being concerned about others' comfort, and more about not wanting to flash post-partumness around.
But have been left with a nagging feeling ever since. I nurse how I am most comfortable (which, especially with older nurslings, means that it's often wearing a nursing top or a shirt which I can easily pull up without flashing skin; and I'm pretty adept at latching without flashing).
I still firmly believe that mothers should nurse however they are most comfortable, and that we (as individuals and society) need to work to help mothers feel comfortable nursing in public .... But I am wondering, are those of us who for whatever reason would fall into the 'discreet' category, harming our own cause?
Because I'm pretty dang sure my sister has dusted me off as an example of how a woman COULD, if she WANTED to, nurse with no one knowing what she was doing, even with an older babe (with the unspoken indictment being, those mothers who are obvious for whatever reason, are lacking in class and/or being exhibitionists). I know that I am more 'discreet' as my babies become older, knowing the social stigma there is upon nursing beyond 12-18 months if that, even.....
On the other hand, there's the argument that if breastfeeding is presented in an in-your-face manner, then some mothers would choose not to because they wouldn't be comfortable [nursing without a cape; nursing in regular clothes instead of nursing tops; nursing with their shirt pulled down or up] .... I can see this going the other way too though; nursing looking like a complicated pattern of subterfuge could look really overwhelming and like a lot of fuss, too ....
It's a knotty issue, I hope we can discuss with a wide range of opinions and ideas .... I'd like to get a lot of perspectives on the idea, and I think it's an idea which we as lactivists need to really reflect upon.
So .... I've been breastfeeding for most of the past 5+ years. I'm from a breastfeeding family; all my sisters have breastfed their biological children (that makes four of us thus far) - duration ranging from 4 months of exclusive bf, to weaning at 6 months or a year (or obviously in my case, past two years of age second time 'round now
)....So my older sister, who's bf all three of her children, was describing a local controversy; apparently a mother was breastfeeding at a restaurant, and when another customer complained, the restaurant told that customer that the mother's right to bf was protected. So the customer wrote a nastygram to the local paper and there was a big controversy (cue the standard "NIP Scandal" music) .....
My sister's take on it was that the baby was only 3-4 months old, but the mother probably should have been more discreet, although she had no idea whether the mother was being discreet or not. Sister says, "I was too uncomfortable to bf in public at all, I always used formula in public!" She notes that she doesn't eat in front of other people often, herself, even as defense.
I told her, one person's 'discreet' is another person's 'harlot,' the bottom line is that the mother was feeding her baby the way that everyone recommends, and there's nothing sexual about it. And that especially for a young, first-time mother, it's awkward learning how to nurse comfortably in public. I told her, mothers should nurse however is comfortable for them and their baby, whether it's with a cape (which she'd never heard of), or nursing top, or their shirt pulled down, or whatever [that was her definition of OTT and immodest]. And that it wasn't and shouldn't be those mothers' concerns what sort of judgmental or dirty thoughts others might have about doing the right thing for her baby. And pointed out that I've nursed my 2 1/2 year old in public without issues. And that some babies latch on/off suddenly, or insist on an uncovered breast, and should those moms be in purdah for the duration? I've just been lucky not to have a babe like that.
Sister agrees ... BUT ... "You know, elanorh, you're so discreet, no one ever knows you're nursing. Not everyone is that careful and considerate."
I shot back that I've had a lot of practice, and again, it's less about me being concerned about others' comfort, and more about not wanting to flash post-partumness around.
But have been left with a nagging feeling ever since. I nurse how I am most comfortable (which, especially with older nurslings, means that it's often wearing a nursing top or a shirt which I can easily pull up without flashing skin; and I'm pretty adept at latching without flashing).
I still firmly believe that mothers should nurse however they are most comfortable, and that we (as individuals and society) need to work to help mothers feel comfortable nursing in public .... But I am wondering, are those of us who for whatever reason would fall into the 'discreet' category, harming our own cause?
Because I'm pretty dang sure my sister has dusted me off as an example of how a woman COULD, if she WANTED to, nurse with no one knowing what she was doing, even with an older babe (with the unspoken indictment being, those mothers who are obvious for whatever reason, are lacking in class and/or being exhibitionists). I know that I am more 'discreet' as my babies become older, knowing the social stigma there is upon nursing beyond 12-18 months if that, even.....
On the other hand, there's the argument that if breastfeeding is presented in an in-your-face manner, then some mothers would choose not to because they wouldn't be comfortable [nursing without a cape; nursing in regular clothes instead of nursing tops; nursing with their shirt pulled down or up] .... I can see this going the other way too though; nursing looking like a complicated pattern of subterfuge could look really overwhelming and like a lot of fuss, too ....
It's a knotty issue, I hope we can discuss with a wide range of opinions and ideas .... I'd like to get a lot of perspectives on the idea, and I think it's an idea which we as lactivists need to really reflect upon.
.
will be back to read whole thread when have done the chores
and bottles are better all round. It's absolute hypocrisy to demand women ' cover-up' to bf and on the other hand to make profit from exposing breasts in magazines, adverts, tv etc. How 'discreet' does a woman have to be? This opens the floodgates to the myriad different opinions from people from bf isn't 'normal' to ok but not outdoors, fine if she's discreet etc. I've heard someone say 'why are you doing that theres no need to' lololol,Since when did the opinions of others become law or even relevant in these instances? Typical woman-controlling stuff.The size of the breasts will make a difference too, mine are erm small but they were bigger when bf sigh..even tho I was very discreet much to my discomfort usually, I still got looks, words and one oldish and righteous man even thought to scold me but his wife told him not to, I actually felt very nervous at that and was sitting down the shore facing away from this man who went out of his way to stand above me to get a better look, impossible tho as I had a huge coat and a shawl on lol. I heard him saying 'she shouldnt be doing that in public'.Bleugh. So its very easy sometimes for people to infringe upon bf women and attack their confidence,self-esteem and of course their bf experience. It's no wonder so many choose not to bf and even believe they can't.These days I'm far more comfortable with my body and would relish telling that man whats what. I get that being 'discreet' can and imo does damage bf because simply we are being taught to be ashamed of our bodies and that somehow in these peoples minds bf is bad, dirty, unnecessary,exhibitionism etc even worse in some 'minds'. There will be no limits to how discreet society wants women to be considering they practically want us to vanish.
this is what I am worried about too, I am destroying my bella band, I will have to get another one after the baby is born!
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