15 months - grouchy, clingy, whiney, uncooperative... help!!

[Tsubaki]

I realized this should be a new thread...

I posted a little while back about how my 14-month-old was driving me crazy. After a two-week spell of really grouchy behavior, we had a couple of good days and I thought we were in the clear. But I spoke too soon.

Anyway, he's SO demanding and gets really whiny and upset when he doesn't get everything he asks for (fragile or dangerous items he wants to play with, etc). Wants to be carried and attended to constantly, making it challenging for me to eat when I'm hungry, or go to the bathroom, etc etc. And whenever we tell him not to do something (pull hair, throw water out of the bath), he freaks out and does it with a vengence. Demands that I carry him and then goes "wet noodle" on me so that he's really hard to carry.

I keep thinking it has something to do with anxiety over discovering that he and I have separate wills and he's capable of doing things I don't like, and vice-versa. Or maybe it's anxiety related to learning to walk? He's been physically capable of walking for months now but seems unwilling to do it; crawls a bit or takes our hands to have him walk him around, but mostly still demands to be carried all the time. I always thought kids reveled in the ability to get around on their own, but my LO never has, always asks to be carried rather than cross a room on his own even though he's an extremely proficient crawler.

I feel like I work really hard to be responsive, to do fun stuff with him, to entertain him, etc, and he's just whiny and uncooperative and contrary.

I feel like it would be easier if I understood why he was being so difficult but I don't. What's the deal?

[berkeleyp]

It sounds to me like you are expecting your 14 month old to behave like a three year old or older. He is just a baby. I don't believe he is capable of being uncooperative on purpose. He has needs and he is not able to communicate them. If he whines to be picked up, it is probably because he is feeling the need for connection and really wants to be in your arms. I would get yourself a backpack of some kind like a mei tei or an ergo and just strap him on. You'll be able to get lots of stuff done and he'll probably be happy just to be with you, watching the world from your back.

It also sounds like you need a break to have some time to yourself - do you get a chance when someone else can stay with your ds while you go out for a coffee or take a nice bath or whatever?

You have needs just as your baby does and meeting needs is probably what you both need.

[PiePie]

Might be related to the learning the walk. DD was physically capable of walking but insisted on holding onto a wagon while doing so for 2 mos., during which the separation anxiety (esp from me) was intense. it passed.

[madskye]

Could he have an ear infection or molars coming in? That will change their personality.

[Llyra]

Yeah. It always seemed with my kids that when they got all whiny and clingy, they were trying to tell me they needed more attention, more holding, more closeness. When I resist that, and try to push them to be more "independent," they just get even clingier. If I give in to it, accept it, and let them cling, the need gets fulfilled and in a few days or weeks I'm wishing they'd slow down long enough for a cuddle. It sounds like your LO is trying to tell you he needs you more right now, and that's okay. A 14 month old is really still a baby, and there's no reason not to let him just be a baby. That said, if you really feel like you need a break (sometimes I feel like if I can't get a few hours without a baby climbing on me, I'll go completely nuts), there's no reason not to take one. Let the LO spend some time with your partner, or another close friend or relative you trust, so that you can have some time to regroup and be ready to be with him again. When you're with him, try just giving in to the need for closeness, and see what happens.

That said, with any child who's unusually grouchy and touchy, I'd look at physical well-being. Teething was mentioned, but you might also think about sleep patterns. A child that's not sleeping enough will be really edgy and whiny and clingy. Maybe try an extra nap, or an earlier bedtime? Time outside in the fresh air can make a big difference, and also lead to sounder sleep. Look at what he's eating, too. Kids who are eating mostly fruit, carbs, and sugar will have wild blood sugar swings, and when the blood sugar is low, they get cranky and irritable. Frequent nursing, and snacks and meals with plenty of protein and fat, can really help.

The "wet noodle" thing is pretty typical, too. My DS does this thing where when he doesn't like what I want him to do or not do, he goes all limp and slips down onto the floor. DH jokes that he's gonna be some kind of non-violent protester one day, since he's got this passive resistance thing going on. They get past that (eventually!) if you're gentle but firm about what's not allowed. Like hair pulling-- tell him not to do it, and that it hurts. Meet his eye and look serious about it. If he continues to do it, gently take the hand and prevent him from doing it again. If he still tries, put a few feet between you and him to show him that you won't allow yourself to be hurt. Sometimes if they're getting more attention for out-of-bounds behavior than they are for "nice" behavior, they'll start doing stuff like hair-pulling just for the attention.

[Climbergirl]

I don't have a whole lot of advice, but I would think about using some sign language. I think it has helped my son tremendously. He doesn't have to cry for eating, nursing, etc. because he can tell me. He currently signs eat, drink, help, more, nurse, airplane, help, and bye.

I suggest this in case you think he may need to communicate more of his needs to you. If you are interested, I can find some links for you.....