Pissy, selfish, childish rant.

[AdinaL]

OKay, I gotta get this out. I don't have anyone I can talk to IRL at all. No one gets it.

This SUCKS! I don't understand why some people get to have babies and I am still waiting. I don't get why some people get to have enough insurance to ensure that they get babies or to find out why they are having problems. Why I can do EVERYTHING right and still not get pregnant, and other can do everything wrong or not want to get pregnant and they still do? I don't get why there are babies being beaten to death by their parents and the universe doesn't see fit to give me one. Why am I the one still sitting here with my cat?

I am a loving good person. I put out a lot of love to everyone who crosses my path. I am supportive and helpful till I am blue in the face. And I don't mind that, I like making other people happy, I like being loving and supportive. I love seeing other people happy! But it never seems to come back.

This is totally selfish and completely wrong for me to be this upset. But I am so sick of hearing, oh it will happen, just wait until the right time, don't worry, relax, stop trying...and so on. I just get so mad, I want someone to hold acountable, I want answer that don't cost a lot of money. I want a baby dammit!

I hope everyone knows that I love everyone here, and that I am just feeling sorry for myself! That I am happy for everyone who graduates and has wonderful children! BUt sometimes, it all gets to be too much for me!

Everyone here on this forum and on TTC is so great and supportive and wonderful. But I know I need to yell and scream a little bit too. So if you have a rant, or a need to scream in frustration, do it here!! Maybe we can all get rid of the negative crap we hang on to cycle to cycle and bury it here!!

So rant away, scream and yell about how unfair it is and get it out! None of us do that enough!

[pugmadmama]

Well, I want to support you but I have to disagree with you first.

It is NOT "totally selfish and completely wrong for me to be this upset." It is sane, reasonable and completely right to yell, scream, rant and rave when life is completely, totally unfair in such a large and important way.

A big turning point for me came when one of my best friends starting trying to have a baby. And they tried and tried and tried. For years. This wonderful, loving, joyful couple could not get a baby to come into their lives. Watching them go through what I had been through made me see, very clearly, that infertility is unfair, unreasonable and crazy-making.

I finally did get my baby (he's 11 years old now) and I am so grateful for him. But you know what? It's not fair that he's an only child. More than anything I wanted him to have siblings and for my husband and I to have more children. But it looks like that is just not in the cards for me. And it's unfair and it sucks and sometimes it still makes me cry angry, sad, mournful tears.

I hope that your baby finds you soon. Very soon! And until then, come here and vent! You've got every right and I'll turn my pug on anyone who disagrees with me!

[gossamer]

Rant away, you have every right to. It is not pissy, selfish or childish. How dare the universe not give you a child when you are so loving and kind and giving and give all of those horrible parents a passel. I will rant right along with you. IT IS NOT FAIR YOU DON"T HAVE A BABY!!!!!!!!!!
Gossamer

[AdinaL]

Oh jeez.

Thanks ladies.

I am no good at being self indulgent. As soon as I see people post to this thread, and read the replies, I just feel like I have no business complaining. I guess that I can't think that anyone deserves a baby, because that implies some don't. And I seem to be one of the "don'ts", which I have a hard time wrapping my brain around. And whose to say someone deserves one more than someone else. I guess I just felt like having a temper tantrum.

pugmadmama - I am sorry you haven't had another baby. As with all things, time will tell what any of us are meant to have or not have.

gossamer - thanks. I never got to post about how sorry I was to hear about your loss.

I think in terms of ranting, I have no right.

[naturegirl]

Oh Adina, there is no reason to be sorry! Your feelings are your feelings! Rant, piss, moan. Do it all. Get it out! We love you and it hurts to here life is so unfair sometimes. I wish I could just place a beautiful little baby in your belly. Unfortunatley I do not have that power.

Sometimes what you say makes the rest of us feel sane. We just don't come out and say it. All the things you said earlier, I have also thought, and I have been ttc for a lot shorter time than many.

I am so sorry hon that you have not gotten blessed with your baby yet. I wish I could do more for you.

Cheryl

[Laurel]

I have to chime in with everyone else--your feelings are normal and expressing them openly is the healthiest thing you can do. So, vent away!

My biggest frustration right now is the whole money issue. I feel like every couple could have a child either bioligically or through adoption if they could only afford it. I just want to bang my head agains the wall right now thinking about it. We are still in quite a bit of debt from ds's adoption. We want to pursue treatment soon but can't even think about it until we're done paying for the first baby--and even then we'll still be at zero. It would take us months to save the amount we need, but I am hesitant to go into debt again for it. I'm not getting any younger and really feel that if I'm going to have a chance at ever being pg, it needs to happen soon. Argh! I just feel so confined by this. To me, it's not my infertility itself that is restricting me--I feel that can be overcome if we could just come up with the $ to get the help we need.

[Arduinna]

You have every right to your feelings. It isn't fair and it sucks!

it's 4 am and I'm too tired to think of anythign else to say at the moment, I'll come back later

[AdinaL]

Laurel - I am so with you on the money thing!!! If I had enough money I could have all the tests, or I could do IUI, or IVF or a whole load of other things. If I had the money I could adopt. But without money, I just have to hope. It has to happen on it's own, or it doesn't happen at all. So if you aren't lucky enough to be super fertile, then you have to be rich! Ugh. It seems stupid that having a baby should be based on money. We have enough to support the child if we have one, but not enough to do the huge down payment that is required to do assisted fertility stuff of adoption.

grrrr....



it sucks that everything is based on money.

[gonnabeamom]

Adina,

It isn't fair! If it was fair you'd have a beautiful baby right now. It does break my heart thinking of all the kids out there who would be grateful to have you as a Mom, who have to settle for so much less.

And as far as being selfish, you are one of the least selfish people I know. One of the things is I've decided about the forums is that for every person who posts, there are usually 5 or 6 people at least who feel that way. In all likelihood you just made someone else feel less crazy.

So have your and no that people here love you, and will be here when it's over, and the next time you need to

[RasJane]

Adina,
Shout if from the rooftops girl! I'll scream with you.
I too am feeling pissy right now.
I totally took a break from ttc for a couple of months, hadn't been charting, dh took a long business trip. It was so lovely.
Then, last week I started getting all the pms and thought woah, gonna start soon. I looked at the calendar to see when Af had started ( I only knew cuz it was the day we got our flooring LOL) and realized I still had a week to go! Then yesterday, my temp jumps through the roof! I got all excited and hopeful. Then, of course, this morning, my temp went right back down. I pulled myself together and thought, "the adoption packet will get here today, I can read that and be hopeful."
But, when I checked the mail, there was just some lousy flier from the cable company telling us all about "essential channels" Idon't even have a tv!!!!
It breaks my heart that my son so desperately wants a sibling, and I so desperately want a child, and dh could so desperately care less whether or not we have kids. "as long as you are happy dear"
I am not! I want to scream and cry and kick.
What's more, my sil will be at Christmas with her new husband and I am so (irrationally) terrified that she will announce she is pregnant and then I will have to rip her glowing face off in front of her sweat, precious children.
Okay,
pulling my nice, pacifist self together to go find chocolate. I am so glad that you are all here, and know what it is like. Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart.

Sarah

[Laurel]

[i]Originally posted by RasJane and dh could so desperately care less whether or not we have kids. "as long as you are happy dear"

I've been here too with my dh. Of course he wanted kids, and he totally adores our little boy, but he has always approached life with a "whatever will be will be" kind of attitude, and during our entire infertility journey, the decisions and what, when, and how much have been basically left up to me. They are such monumental decisions to be making all by yourself! I found for myself that it was better to work with dh's temperament than against it. Rather than trying to force him to be different, I've learned to enjoy being able to make the decisions on my own--sometimes it's nice to not have him be too opinionated, KWIM? I still feel the weight of it all and it really does press down at times, so I can totally understand where you're coming from.

[Velveteen]

Feelings are facts too!!!!

To AdinaL and everyone else that longs for a baby to hold...may you have MANY blessings, at least one of which is a beautiful babe in arms.

I am just starting my ttc journey at 41~ hold your breath for me!!

[Astrid]

to everyone here

Since I already have a beautiful son, I sometimes wonder if I should be posting here thinking I should be appreciative to have one child, and I am so grateful. It is still hard though. My son desperately wants a sister and asks every other day when she will be here. He even wants to buy her a Christmas present. But after a full year of ttc I am not sure he will ever get a sibling.

I feel like everyone around me is getting pregnant and having babies. All my in real life ttc buddies have had their babies and although I am so happy for them, I can't help thinking "where is my baby?" It hurts so much.

This thread is full of such wonderful moms and moms to be. I can't wait for the day when we can put all this pain and frustration behind us, and we can enjoy our babies

[gonnabeamom]

Excuse me while I got on my
As someone trying to conceive number one, I wish I could make everyone trying for an additional child know that you don't have to apologize.

I hope someday to have a second child, and if it takes me as long as the first one is taking, I know I'll need support. I hear how hard it is to look at the child you already have and want to give that child a sibling. So perhaps it's true that secondary infertility is a different journey, but it's not a lesser one.

May we all, every single one of us, get our babies

[kelly]

Adina - You have the right to be as frustrated and pi$$y as you want, as far as I'm concerned. There aren't many people IRL who "get it", and this is a safe and supportive place where you can express what you feel and have others who understand. I fluctuate continually between optimism (I am one of the lucky few with insurance that covers infertility - we need to lobby for this to our insurance providers, because I along with most others can't afford fertility treatment on my own!!) and despair about never becoming a mother. I often wonder what I have done, or who decided that this should be my destiny in life, to want something so badly and to have to suffer so much in trying to get it (motherhood). It still makes no sense to me. Anyone who's been around here a while knows that you are a good person and will make an excellent mom - I can't explain why others seem to have it so easy, and why so many seem to take their precious children for granted (or treat them so poorly). I wish I had an explanation, too.

So rant away!! I may join you sometime!


Kelly

[AdinaL]

gonnabeamom - Thanks for posting that. I agree totally! We are all having trouble getting pregnant, bottom line. And we are all here for each other. What I am going through is no harder or any less hard than what a mom with any number of children goes through while ttc.

Thanks kelly! I am thinking about writing to my insurance company about fertility treatments.

[Astrid]

Soap box guy seems so angry.

I had read in a thread that it wasn't fair for women with kids to post on infertility because "obviously" they weren't infertile if they had kids. That was my dr.s reasoning too, and why she wouldn't do any tests, because me and dh had a child together... but that was over 5 years ago and a lot can change

I really needed to join Adina in her rant and get out some of my frustration with people who understand.

to everyone

[gonnabeamom]

Soapbox guy is pretty angry, and I'm I guess more than little miffed that people say things like "you shouldn't post if you have a child" Do they go around chasing people paralyzed in accidents and telling them "well you could have died"? Why focus on dividing ourselves, instead of supporting each other.

Secondary infertility is infertility, and your Dr. really needs a clue transplant.

Astrid,

I'm glad your here (not that I'm glad anyone has to be), and I'm sure you miss your child as much as I miss mine. So please feel welcome here!

[Laurel]

Who is soapbox guy? Is this another thread at mdc? Curiosity is killing this cat!

I too hate it when primary vs. secondary infertility is cause for hard feelings. To me, it's all infertility. I feel like we should let our common experiences bind us together in support rather than dividing us.

I have a child, but my child happens to be adopted. I am still very much infertile. But I don't post in my sig line that he's adopted, so it would be interesting to know what others assume.

[AdinaL]

Astrid - That sucks! What a horrible thing to hear! Talk about completely invalidating your feelings. I am glad you are here. I like that all of us are at different stages. Those of us further along can help out the ones who are just now dealing with it, and so on.

Today, I can be positive that we will all get our babies! I can't imagine that the universe would allow such a vaccuum not to be filled! YOu know?