Pissy, selfish, childish rant. - Page 3

[coleslaw]

Wow. Just, well, ... wow. Re-reading this (funny, I actually remembered the thread, but couldn't remember if I posted to it or not, until I saw my post) makes me see this whole journey differently. The words "smack in the face" come to mind. "Long and unbelievably hard" also calls to me. And just a shake of the head. Hard reality. I hope it helps someone who never saw it before.

Obviosuly, I'm not feeling very articulate. I think my words shocked me into numbness.

To those who are still around for whatever reason -

[Leslie in Chicago]

thank you, Adina, for starting this thread with such raw, authentic honesty! And thank you to all of the women who've posted and shared exactly what I'm feeling. I just wish I'd grabbed a kleenex before I started reading. Now I've got mascara everywhere....

I haven't read or posted in a while, like I'm trying to convince myself that this really isn't so hard, I don't need support. But the truth is that I'm really struggling. My new sister-in-law, who just gave birth to a baby girl (their sixth child, if you count previous marriages & kids) actually questioned why my faith wasn't stronger when I told her what a hard time I was having. I shared my vulnerability and got a lecture on how I should just trust God more. So the reason we haven't gotten pregnant is because of a deficiency of faith on my part?!!

And then there is the money thing. Adina, I'd give you my insurance in a heartbeat if I could. It would actually pay for IVF. And here's the irony: we don't want to do IVF. I'm doing Chinese medicine now, because I have unexplained infertility and can't justify screwing with all my hormonal systems when there isn't a problem in that department.

If only we could all get together and those that have something to spare could put it in the middle, and those that needed something could take what they need.

Leslie

[mumm]

Thanks for this thread. I always feel like I am the only one who can't deal properly with this infertility/ttc misery. (And of course, then i think that if I can't deal with this, of course I shouldn't even get to be a parent since I am a wreck!) Maybe I shouldn't even have the kids I have. I see people who I know (through the grapevine) have been struggling to conceive and they seem so happy and normal. HOW?

My rant: I hate that my life is on hold. I hate that I can't exercise because of the drugs. I hate that my RE, when asked about running says "your not fat, don't worry about it." What??? It's not about how I look, its about how I feel. Is he even aware that this is an emotional and frustrating time? I hate that the money we saved for years so I could be a SAHM is going so quickly. I hate the guilt that I am spending money on TTC that could be used to send my kids to camp, or a family vacation, or even a trip to dairy queen for crying out loud. I hate that I am just a number at the pupy mill I call my Doctor's office. I hate that I weaned my 2 year old to take even more drugs. I hate that my family is not complete, and that I have no control over it. I hate that I can't afford to adopt a child who may be the one to help complete it.

Suprisingly, I don't hate pregnant women or babies. I still like going to baby showers and new baby parties.

And I appreciate the honesty of Adina in starting this thread, and for all the responses who I keep reading.

[Outofmymindyo]

I also have (I hate to use this word) enjoyed reading this thread, simply because I thought I was nuts for feeling terrible towards my brothers' girlfriend.

I think the reason it hurts so much is because of the people we see that have children that aren't giving the children the caring and loving that they need. I love my brother, but he can't do everything himself, but his girlfriend just aggravates me to no end. Ever since my beautiful niece was born, I have wondered what goes through the girls mind, but I can't stand to think of it anymore.

The most bothersome thing about her way of parenting, is the apparent lack of brains, because she has felt since day one that the most she needs to give my niece a bath is every 4-5 days, if not every week or less. I have seen Haley needing a bath EVERY time I have gone back home to visit my family, and it hurts me that they are too "lazy or busy" to give her a bath nightly, especially since she is walking now and has a whole lot more dirt and grime to get into.

Anyway, it's just made me realize that my time will come, or it won't, but never to give up and always understand that there is support for me no matter what happens.

Thanks everyone, who has been through it and survived, and still has their head in the right place. (even if it's a bit goofy like mine )

[NYCVeg]

*gingerly sticks little toe in thread*

I have to say that coming across this thread meant a lot to me today. My dh and I are just at the beginning of our ttc journey--but pretty much to the day we decided to start trying (after putting it off a year after I felt "ready"), I had kidney stones and then developed a raging yeast infection which has morphed into some unknown condition that makes me uncomfortable all day and makes sex impossible (I'm due for yet another visit to the dr. tomorrow to see if they can figure out what this is and, more importantly, how to treat it). My level of frustration at this point makes me want to tear my hair out...and it's only been about a month and a half. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you ladies who have had problems for years. So just wanted commiserate (even though my problems seem fairly insignificant by comparison) and offer .

By the way: having looked into adoption myself, my understanding is that international and open adoption are extremely expensive, but that going through the state/foster system is not. I know there is a whole set of problems that come along with going that route, but maybe it's a possibility?

[FarmerCathy]

I'm glad you posted Adina. I feel the same way a lot of the time. We've been trying for 2.5 years. We found out that it is me and my husband. He has a problem with his semen releasing sperm. It takes 40 minutes instead of 0 to 20 minutes which is considered normal. We had him on Robitussin for awhile and that caused more problems than helped so the Dr suggested I put him on 500mg of vitamin C and he takes that daily and is supposed to have the same effect as the cough syrup.
For me it was my diet, my stress about having a baby caused me to lean on Dr. Pepper and sugar. Bad stuff that screws with your hormones. Even refined flour doesn't help. I read a book I found by talking to the Editor of "The Compleat Mother" called "The Garden of Fertility" by Katie Singer. Besides the charting like the Taking Charge of Your Fertility book it goes into more depth about diet and toxins in our environment. I put myself on a organic whole foods diet and don't eat any refined sugar. I'm on my sixth month with this diet and for most it's supposed to take atleast six months for things to get back to normal. I'm definately not as moody as I was. It's supposed to make your PMS little to none and cramps little to none. Which it has made a significant difference (My husband likes me more now.) My temps were very low and are supposed to go back up to a normal level once you get back to eating better, but I have not been taking my temp lately because that stresses me out too. I'm taking a break I guess and de-stressing. I've been doing things that are fun and not sitting around thinking about getting pregnant all the time. That is hard to do. I'm starting my farm business and that keeps me busy most of the time. I was so depressed all the time because of the caffiene mostly, but ttc takes a lot out of you when you just want to look down and be able to hold your own baby and watch the little darling sucking away at your breast. It makes me crazy sometimes. I don't like being like this and am too looking into foster care with the intent to adopt. My husband wants a whole litter he says and I'm already pushing 30, so some might be adopted.
It makes me feel better that there are other people in the same boat and this thread has been really nice to read. I don't come to this group very often because it's just hard to think about.
for listening and and to everyone.

Cathy

[mamapup]

This thread has me crying. I didn't even realize it was an old thread until someone posted that. It is definitely still relevant! I knew infertility was difficult and frustrating, but had no idea until going through it myself. And I have not even been trying for a year yet. I think I will go insane if I have to endure half of what you ladies have gone through/are going through. I wish I could "just relax" about the whole thing. It doesn't help that dh has put some arbitrary deadline on our childbearing years. It really makes be feel better to know that there are those who really understand. However, I hate that there are those who really understand ykwim?
I am very lucky to have a beautiful son, and have always felt so. I am definitely feeling it more keenly now. I am also blessed with wonderful family and friends who are very supportive and really pulling for me. I hate to keep bitching about things to them, because I know that they care, but it must be annoying/difficult to hear all the time yk? It seems like everyone I know, even the most unlikely of couples (not trying, on birth control, etc) are conceiving. Luckily I am still able to be thrilled for them - I hope I never lose that...but more than anything I hope to leave this forum forever. *sigh*

[Pookietooth]

I'm going to post quickly before reading all the responses. First of all, it's totally natural, human, understandable, to feel angry at being infertile. Second, to you for posting this to make the rest of us feel less alone in our feelings. I do hope you sucess in conceiving, however you do it. I hope you find a way! Our society is so anti-child, it's kind of logical that fertility treatments are expensive and not covered by most insurance. It's kind of that old "sterilize the unfit (poor)" thing, only the sterilization is by all the toxins in our environment and our necessity of postponing childbearing.

Here's my rant (hope you don't mind) I am infertile, too, and had to resort to injectibles to get pregnant (my insurance at the time covered it -- that was back when I lived in California and had Kaiser). I will not be able to have another, for many reasons, and I am angry about that. It took many years to conceive ds, at least partially due to denial but also because dh was against fertility treatments (I finally just did it anyway). I'm mad that I'm 39 with a two year old -- I constantly wish I were 29 instead, at least partially because my mom was still alive when I was 29. I'm mad because I didn't get to enjoy my pregnancy because I was always worried about m/c (looking back, I wish I hadn't).

Whew! I do feel better! Thanks!

[Astrid]

Wow, that was a trip down memory lane. And at the time this thread was started, I had only been ttc for slightly over a year and still has some of my sanity left.

This fall I'm going to start clomid, which I feel is really my last hope. Dh has gone from "just relax and let it happen" to "let me know whatever I can do to help" (thankfully!)

The hardest part has been seeing people who started ttc after me have their babies, and are now pregnant with baby #2. Hello?!?!?!??!??!?! When it is my turn? What am I doing wrong? And I've lost all sympathy for people complaining about morning sickness, or that they aren't getting enough sleep because their babies wake them up all night. Ummm, do they know what I would give to have their problems!
I guess I sound a little insensitive but I'm on cd3 of cycle # to damn many. I've been poked and proded and had some pretty uncomfortable tests done, all to be told they can't find anything wrong.

to all

[AdinaL]

Astrid! I haven't seen you in a while.

Yep - I wrote the original post forever and some ago....and now I am gearing up for my IVF retrieval on Tuesday.

My friend's baby just turned one. My other friend just had her second at the beginning of June. I get pretty annoyed too. I would gladly take a crying baby over having to wake up at 6 am to give myself shots. Color me nutty and all.....

[Astrid]

Adina I have been lurking on the 30+ thread... : today for your retrieval!!

[renee37]

I feel your pain and agree with every word! I've had several miscarriages for that doctor's can't explain. I keep my pain inside and ask my self over and over again WHY ME?! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE TO BE CHILDLESS!

[Kat's Mommy]

OMGosh, I completely understand. It took years to conceive and I felt the exact same way. It just isn't fair. I knew of people who had babies that treated them poorly, and here hubby and I were dealing with infertility. Going to appointment after appointment, getting up at 430am to take the 515am bus downtown to get blood work taken and transvaginal ultrasounds every other day.

Go ahead. Vent. Rant. Get angry. I don't know any of you personally, but nonetheless, I am here for you.

I wish each and every one of you the best in the pursuit of mommyhood.

[AdinaL]

This thread has kept going. Which surprises me a little. My first post was made over 2 years ago. Guess it shows that some things continue to be battles everyday.

To all of you Infertility is an interesting road. I spent so much time on this board (so much time that I am the mod! ), and though I am pregnant now, there is a looming spectre of "What happens when we want #2?" I usually ignore it, and I say I will deal with it then. But it isn't like it is going to go away. In two more years, I might be right back on this thread.

I hope this thread sticks around for that long, and that people continue to find support here. I so wanted the Infertility board to be a place where people could find support, where people who were AP and NFL and who didn't always go with western medicine had a place to talk about all these things that we never thought we would have to face. I love that there are as many natural ideas on here as there are allopathic. I love that women still come to this thread and scream and cry. Sometimes, we all need to do it.

[monocyte]

Can I join too?

Wow. Amazing feelings that I can't even begin to express in words - but I think we all know in our hearts what that feeling of utter emptyness, desperation, failure...sigh.

I am just starting the IF road, again. I always thought, just give me one child to love, hold, mother...and now the longing is again. I tried to be tough the first time around and not let too many know how much I wanted a child, and how it hurt me to see them having one, two babies in the time it took for us to conceive one. But, I dont have the strength this time around to hold it in.

Don't exactly know what I am thinking...but, just nice to be here with others.

[OTMomma]

Why does it hurt so much to want someone you've never met?

[pycelan]

Originally Posted by OTMomma

Why does it hurt so much to want someone you've never met?

Mama. It hurts because of the dream you of who and what that person will be. I hope your dream comes true soon. In fact, I hope all of our dreams for new little beans comes true...

[Yulia_R]

Originally Posted by AdinaL

"What happens when we want #2?" I usually ignore it, and I say I will deal with it then. But it isn't like it is going to go away. In two more years, I might be right back on this thread.

On my 6 weeks postpartum visit (6 weeks after my c-section) my doctor (she is a very experienced high-risk pregnancies doctor) was pushing me really hard to use contraception before we are ready for baby #2. I was quite annoyed thinking that she just forgot the fact that I’m infertile and our baby was conceived through IVF, but when I reminded her that she said that this was exactly the reason why she was pushing so hard. She said that she had A LOT of IVF parents who got their “ops” baby when they were totally not ready for that. That time she was caring for a pregnant woman that got pregnant just few months after delivering TRIPLETS that were conceived through IVF and she considered herself to be absolutely infertile after years and years of trying to conceive .
She said that it’s very important to relax aboutconception, stop thinking about it and this usually happen with couples that went through infertility exactly after they have their baby. So they relax, not using any contraception (as they think they can’t conceive naturally) and that is exactly when such couples get a lot of pregnancies.
So, I guess the key is to give it a try when it’s the worst time LOL!