I think introvert/extrovert is mostly an inborn characteristic. However, I think if we are raised by extroverts in an extroverted society, some of us can hack it for awhile and pretend to be extroverted. Or perhaps we may harbor the desire to be extroverted without the means of doing so sustainably.
I seem to having trouble lately balancing my needs for alone time with my needs for companionship. I find myself often doing service work to help feed my needs for socializing activities while maintaining my distance. However, the past few days I am noticing more and more how this isn't really giving me what I truly want.
I am lonely today. A friend and church board colleague of mine died last week and it brought up a lot for me to consider. He was our board president, definitely an extrovert, but not the kind that would ramble all over someone. I am finding that I have a name for what I have been craving in addition to my alone time the past few months: community. The service work helps, but I really do like to be with friends some times. And I find that although I have many acquaintances, I feel like I have very few friends to call upon. And most of them are so busy with their own lives, I still feel all on my own.
All my family lives far away so I do not have an extended family readily available. I find myself vacillating between wanting to be social and wanting my own time to think. The main trouble seems to come in where I need to balance these needs along with the needs of my family and family life. I am always there for everyone in our family. And often for friends as well.
I want some sort of active communion with other people, as when musicians play together or such. I wish my piano playing or singing were stronger so I could join in with them for a time. I am an artist and often find that when I do finally get some art time it is all alone time. Often, this is OK. However, I saw on my Facebook pages that a distant friend is doing collaborative work with another artist. That seems interesting to me, too. But so far, I only seem to find people who want me to teach them to do art, or dance or such. I am tired of feeling like I always have to lead everything but I don't know how or am afraid to ask for help or inclusion.
I guess I really just want to feel like I belong somewhere for a change. I often feel like I am on the outside, looking in at the people who seem to connect so easily to one another. I am not sure I know how to do this.
Part of this may be introversion, though I suspect there is more to it than that. At times, I feel stuck inside my own physical body, like my spirit or mind wants to dance and shout and move, but I just sit there, stuck, unable to give in to the desire, like a prisoner in my own skin.
I'm rambling now. Perhaps I should take some of this to my writer's group.