Introvert Mamas? - Page 32

[Starflower]

Originally Posted by Sustainer

When people say that they want to make sure you're aware of your options, what they really mean is that they want to make sure you're aware of the option that *they* champion. Obviously you wouldn't need to be made aware of the option that you're already going with. And obviously if the option that a friend advocated and the option that you had chosen were the same option, then they would see no need to preach to the choir. Unless she stays on your case about it or keeps pushing her own educational program on you, I would let it go. If she brings it up again, just smile say "thank you for your interest, but I've definitely decided to stick with homeschooling. I've done my research and I feel that this is the best option for us." Then change the subject.

I wouldn't strain a relationship with someone who's about to go to the gyn with me.

You stated all of this much better than I did. And yes, I agree. I'm not looking for a fight with her. I guess I was just surprised because we'd been through this before two years ago. Knowing her, my friend probably did think I was unsure on my position and she was likely feeling very enthusiastic about her latest projects/school stuff. If it comes up again, I'll let her know we're firm on our decision. She backed off last time, though I did have to be quite direct with her. I often times have difficulty being direct with people. But I am working on it.

[Mother Cake]

Look what I found at Cafe Press! Perfect for a pregnant introvert.

Starflower: I hear you about having trouble being direct. I have a similar issue--I'll be indirect for a while, but if people don't get it, I'll get fed up and then be too direct, and leave them wondering WTF? Because they really didn't get my hints, and so my irritation seems uncalled for (to them).

Good luck working things out with your friend in a way that is comforatble for both of you.

[Starflower]

Cool shirt, Mother Cake!

I got a phone message from my friend today. She got in touch with her gyno for me. I'm not too worried about the school stuff. Usually I can just bean dip people about it and not get too flustered. I think I was just feeling really sensitive after going through the mess with the stolen bank account number. Sigh. We're still untangling that mess.

But at least I have a ref for a doctor from someone who knows what I am looking for in a doc - and someone to go with me as an advocate.

I've been pretty social lately, I guess. This morning DH and I watched DD in a play for the end of her homeschool drama class. Then I spent several hours with an old friend I hadn't seen since September. She's had one of the procedures that was recommended to me. And gave me the name of a doctor to avoid. Mostly we just caught up with one another, went thrift shopping and had dinner. It was fun and I'm so glad I got to spend a lot of time with her.

But I think tomorrow will probably be a good day for keeping to myself.

[Starflower]

OK. I think I was too social over the weekend and on Monday. I've been having major anxiety all day today. Argh! Luckily, DH took DD to the Y tonight for some swimming so I get an hour or two on my own.

I am seriously fantasizing about having a hotel getaway just for me.

[agreenbough]

**I'll be indirect for a while, but if people don't get it, I'll get fed up and then be too direct, and leave them wondering WTF? Because they really didn't get my hints, and so my irritation seems uncalled for (to them).**

This is part of my houseguest frustration - they don't understand body language, facial expression, tone of voice - so they feel blindsided when I get short with them and go hide in my room. (They invite themselves, DH won't tell them no, I have my space invaded for weeks by people who talk nonstop and take over my house, and then they're ASTONISHED that I'm moody!!!!)

What planet are these people from anyway??!!

[Starflower]

Originally Posted by agreenbough

**I'll be indirect for a while, but if people don't get it, I'll get fed up and then be too direct, and leave them wondering WTF? Because they really didn't get my hints, and so my irritation seems uncalled for (to them).**

This is part of my houseguest frustration - they don't understand body language, facial expression, tone of voice - so they feel blindsided when I get short with them and go hide in my room. (They invite themselves, DH won't tell them no, I have my space invaded for weeks by people who talk nonstop and take over my house, and then they're ASTONISHED that I'm moody!!!!)

What planet are these people from anyway??!!

I'm sorry your DH isn't being helpful.

They sound like they are from the old 1978 SNL skit, an "ad" for a movie called "The Thing That Wouldn't Leave," starring John Belushi, Jane Curtain and Bill Murray where Belushi plays a house guest who just doesn't get the hint. It's hilarious, but unfortunately, I couldn't find any video for it online. (I'm a Belushi fan - it's on the Best of Belushi DVD.)

[KBinSATX]

Yikes I wouldn't have the patience for that. No way would they get to stay that long. My MIL and FIL aren't even 'invited' for more than a couple of days.
I got my limits. It's better for all of us... lol

[Holiztic]

Oh I wish I had time to read 627 posts, but I just found you all and am having a crisis of introvert mom with extrovert, spirited, gifted DS (3). I'm going crazy!!

We don't do any TV/videos or electronic toys AND aren't planning preschool (planning to homeschool), so its basically me and only me. I am (like many of you) not big on playdates, though I don't hate them. DS needs much more than I can handle. I am always amazed after a busy social day how vibrant and energized he is while I feel like I am going to collapse!

I am so tired of talking and being talked to all day I want to scream. Okay, I have screamed today (in front of but not at all at DS) and I feel terrible about it!

So we are thinking of a part-time preschool for the fall to give him the social time he needs and give me the quiet time I need!!!

[Starflower]

Holiztic

Welcome to the introvert thread. I've been typing responses to other threads tonight and then deleting them instead of posting. But I will respond to your post.

My biggest challenge as a homeschooler is getting DD enough social activity while I get enough of a break. It's gotten better since she's turned into a bookworm. She is definitely spirited (big time) and though she is less introverted than me, I no longer see her as a true extrovert. We talk about how we have differing social needs. And while she used to talk non-stop all the time, she is beginning to show more introverted traits now.

However, now I believe DD is more of a kinetic learner than I once thought so I am looking for an outlet for her to be more physical (I'm thinking aikido). She wants to "play fight" all the time like warrior cats and wrestle with me and DH. I don't mind some, but she's also always in my face and climbing on me. She nursed all the time when she was younger, and didn't quit until she was almost 6, so I think this is some of where the physical space stuff comes in - she is looking for a replacement for that closeness. I love snuggling with her but I need to have some space and she's just getting to big to be jumping on me and climbing on me all the time.

DD is an only child and is extremely intense, sensitive, persistent and intelligent, so we have a very intense relationship. And yeah, like you, it's just her and me most of the time.

Hang in there.

[Katielady]

Originally Posted by Holiztic

Oh I wish I had time to read 627 posts, but I just found you all and am having a crisis of introvert mom with extrovert, spirited, gifted DS (3). I'm going crazy!!

We don't do any TV/videos or electronic toys AND aren't planning preschool (planning to homeschool), so its basically me and only me. I am (like many of you) not big on playdates, though I don't hate them. DS needs much more than I can handle. I am always amazed after a busy social day how vibrant and energized he is while I feel like I am going to collapse!

I am so tired of talking and being talked to all day I want to scream. Okay, I have screamed today (in front of but not at all at DS) and I feel terrible about it!

So we are thinking of a part-time preschool for the fall to give him the social time he needs and give me the quiet time I need!!!

My son is spirited, active, extroverted, and gifted too. I limit his media to 1/2 hr TV and 1hr computer/day...if I didn't, he'd use it 24/7. If I'm not actively engaging him, he pretty much follows me around and waits for me to be ready to interact with him again, or begs for TV etc. He is nearly incapable of playing by himself despite huge efforts on my part to help him learn.

I couldn't survive without DS being in preschool. We found a lovely co-op nearby. He thrives on the social contact and attention from other adults, and I get enough of a break that I'm not angry at him all the time. As soon as he's away from me for like an hour, I start missing him; that's all it takes. And when I pick him up we both are refreshed. I'd definitely recommend looking into it.

[Galatea]

Excited to find you all!

Holiztic... I was in a similar situation as you with my first child. Play dates made me want to cry and scream. What helped at first was having ds2... then they could play with each other! When ds1 turned 3, even though I had been dead set on homeschooling, we actually sent him to preschool b/c I realized that he was so extraverted that even schooling him would drive me nuts. What is funny to me now is that ds2 is exactly like me, personality-wise, and if it were just us, I would gladly homeschool him! He likes school, though, just in a quieter way than ds1.

So I say, send him to preschool, let him get all the extraverted socialization time he needs, and spend the time doing what you need to do. Sounds like a win-win. I LOVE my kids being at school and could never imagine HSing now!

I found this tribe b/c I have a job that is seriously incompatible with my introversion. I own a natural baby store. For the first year, it was online, with one-on-one orientation and shopping sessions in my house. I scheduled these at my convenience, and it was never more than me and 1 family. That suited me fine, and was actually fulfilling b/c being 1-on-1 allowed us to get comfy and I was actually able to advocate for natural birth, no circ, etc.

Now we are in a retail space, open 6 days a week, 10-5, and I am to the point where I cringe every time the store door chime rings. I mean, hopefully they will give me their money and all that, but the thought at having to do yet another cloth diaper information session on the spot, multiple times a day... it makes me crazy. I have free orientation sessions for many people at once every other Saturday, and you get 10% off for attending that, but people still demand to be taught everything whenever they walk in. I try to talk them into attending the orientation, but when they refuse, I get so angry at them that I have to step in the back for a minute to calm down.

I hired my dh b/c he is extraverted and a born salesperson, but even that isn't working b/c he doesn't get me either and shoots me these exasperated grunts and looks when the door is chiming and I'm in the back working on the website or something. Or when I don't fall all over myself greeting customers and making small talk. All the required small talk kills me. My new least favorite is, "So how's the store going?" Really? Do you really want to discuss my business model and performance? Dh tells me I should just say, "Fine," but every time I get asked it, I am so flummoxed that I think it must get awkward.

What also irritates me is that I think my dh thinks there is something wrong with me, but I know I have just always been like this. I really miss my old set-up with lots of time to myself and the ability to schedule when I had to talk to people. And I am really great in front of a large group, like the orientation sessions - I just can't stand people walking in, with no control over my schedule or allowance for my mood.

I am afraid that this retail storefront was a huge mistake.

[Sustainer]

My new least favorite is, "So how's the store going?" Really? Do you really want to discuss my business model and performance? Dh tells me I should just say, "Fine," but every time I get asked it, I am so flummoxed that I think it must get awkward.

You probably know this, but I just wanted to say that your dh is right about this. People don't really want to discuss your business model with you. They just expect you to smile and say "it's going well" or say "not too bad" or something like that, and then change the subject. It's just a meaningless little ritual that's irritating to us introverts, and I would just do it and try not to think about it.

[Starflower]

Galatea - about the how's-your-business questions - just say something like "Great. Thanks for asking." I doubt many people expect much more than that. You could practice saying it to yourself until it becomes automatic and then you might not feel so flustered when it comes up.

While your business sounds wonderful and like it has the potential to be very successful, it sounds like your role has grown into something you no longer enjoy. Is it possible you could hire a second person to do more sales/extroverted duties and then you could just manage the web stuff and the seminars?

Also, maybe you could show your DH some of the introvert books so he can see that you are not messed up, but rather just introverted, which a perfectly legitimate way of being. It sounds like his grunts and comments are making things even harder for you.

The Introvert Advantage and Introvert Power are books that come to mind - I've also seen a book for introverts in business during an online search, but I'm not personally familiar with it.

Good luck. I hope you can find a way to make things work for you.

[FallenofTrack]

Originally Posted by Sustainer

You probably know this, but I just wanted to say that your dh is right about this. People don't really want to discuss your business model with you. They just expect you to smile and say "it's going well" or say "not too bad" or something like that, and then change the subject. It's just a meaningless little ritual that's irritating to us introverts, and I would just do it and try not to think about it.

Galatea, I agree with this, as well. When people ask a question like that, it is basically just to get a simple reply of "Oh, everything is going well" and just leave it at that. No one is really expecting you to give a break down of everything that is going on with the store, unless the person is really nosey and intrusive, as some people tend to be. But I definitely understand why you feel the way you do. I tend to take questions as an interrogation as well, since I don't tend to ask people questions like that. I find that kind of small talk to be intrusive. When I go into a store or whereever, I am going there to make a purchase or to look around, not to make small talk and not to inquire about peoples business, because I feel like I would be annoying other people. But there are people who are very comfortable asking those kinds of questions.

[Starflower]

Ack!

I'm giving myself anxiety from trying to plan vacations to visit family this summer. Do it in two trips? Combine into one long trip? How much time driving can we do with a 7 year old and not go stir-crazy? Hoping to fly at least part of it (or one of them depending how this ends up being scheduled). Not thrilled about flying personally. But also not thrilled about possibly spending 6 days minimum driving within a 14 day span.

I am thinking at this point that two separate trips might be preferable to retain my sanity. Then there is the question of how do we afford all this? (MIL and FIL may pay for plane tickets and hotel for a family reunion.) Can't afford to fly for both trips no matter how they are arranged on the calendar - even if MIL/FIL pay for one of them.

Family reunion..... Does that word combination make anyone else on here shutter? This would be DH's family on his mom's side. I've only met one of them besides her. So it would be more of a situation of dealing with a lot of people I don't know. On the plus side, there should be some really good authentic Mexican food.

The more I think about it, the more I think I'd like to just bag one trip. Not sure if that's an option or not though. If not, then two separate trips would be better if only so I don't dread July because it's completely booked up with no breathing room.

OK. Done rambling now.

[agreenbough]

I've been to enough family reunions (my husband's family) that they really don't bother me too much, though it wouldn't surprise me if people think I'm a little stand-offish. I spend most of the time with my own kids, and don't really flit around socializing. I usually find a place to sit and pretty much stay there. I like to listen to the conversation, but prefer not to talk too much about myself. There's usually someone who asks a lot of questions: How's your job? How's your mother? They don't get much more of an answer than, "Fine." I just really don't want to get into a bunch of details, because detailed conversation about everyday stuff and on-the-spot questioning by people I rarely see aren't my idea of fun. I used to try to contribute a food item, but my in-laws, in my opinion, are food snobs. If it isn't 100% homemade, it won't get eaten. (And, alas, no Mexican. The most "exotic" spice anyone there uses is black pepper. And enough butter to harden your arteries just looking at it.)
Several years ago, a relative I had not seen in over 20 years of reunions (in fact, I had never met her, ever) showed up, and decided to take over the whole thing - where it would be held, etc. I haven't been since she claimed it as her own party. I'm sure it's now even more of an extrovert extavaganza - hahaha!!!

[crabbyowl]

Yes, family reunions aren't all that much fun. I also just sit around and not really talk to anyone except those I really know, and bring a book.

My BIL is getting married next month, and I just received an invitation to his fiancee's bachelorette party. As much as I'd like a night out, I don't think I'm going to go. First of all, she and I hardly ever see each other and we aren't at all close. Second, she and her set of friends are five years younger than me (she's 22), a lot of them are single, and none of them have kids. Plus I've only met them once, very briefly. Going out drinking with a group of people I don't know and probably don't have much in common with doesn't sound like very much fun. I may be becoming a stodgy old lady, but that doesn't mean I want to really feel like one!

[Starflower]

I am feeling better today. I think I was getting flippy from PMS. It adds to my tendencies toward anxiety.

agreenbough - I had to laugh when I read about your family thinking black pepper is an exotic spice. That's exactly how my family is. They had never heard of hummus and thought I was weird for eating it. I don't think they even tried it except for my uncle who had traveled a bit. I have to avoid dairy so every time I am with my family it's hard to figure out food since they put cream of mushroom soup on everything.

DH's family is Hispanic on his mom's side. I'm hoping for some homemade tamales.

crabbyowl - Last time we did the reunion thing with my family, all my cousins went out. I thought they'd have dinner or something, but they just went bar-hopping. Whatever. DH and I hung out with the old people instead. We're just not into that.

Also, we've decided NOT to do the trip as one big long trip within a trip. Instead we'll do two trips. Now I just have to figure out when to do the regular driving trip across three states. I am trying to time it so I won't be overwhelmed, but we have a lot going on this summer. And I have to time it so I won't be on my period because my periods are so bad that I don't like to leave the house much for a few days.

So back to planning phase, but feeling better. We're hoping to have access to a car - maybe a rental - so if I need a break, I can go back to the hotel and get away from everybody. DH really is awesome about trying to help me get my introvert time.

[mamadeuna]

Originally Posted by Grahnola Mum

Wow, I am so glad I found this thread today - it has been another day of chastising myself for being so introverted and "making" DD such an introvert.

Oh, this is definitely what I needed to read today. I am right there with you, Grahnola Mum. I've been feeling bad for days because DD is having trouble socially at school (not the norm for her) because she has been isolating herself from the other kids. Granted, we're living in another country with a language she doesn't speak or understand well, but the fact that she's having such a rough time for this particular reason has made me reflect strongly on my own introvert/INTJ tendencies. It has always been something I've struggled with, and despite having a strong, but small, circle of friends, I have to work hard at not getting down on myself for not fitting the culturally preferred extrovert model. Even things like getting involved at her school, which I totally support and want to do, in theory, are hard for me, but it's probably better for her, and for me, if I do push my boundaries a little bit.

[Starflower]

mamadeuna

My SIL just posted on FB that she had a BBQ birthday gathering with 12 of her close friends. Twelve close friends?! I can't imagine having that many "close" friends. I guess she's an extrovert.