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Introvert Mamas? - Page 38

post #741 of 796

mich- thank you for the links!  I am excited to get started!

 

Everyone ready for the next holiday?  I am not...  lots of outside family issues that will no doubt be interesting this year.  Our little fam is fantastic though!

 

How is everyone holding up?  We have some friends coming over tomorrow night that have never been to my home.  This couple has a 2 month old and were old roommates of DH years ago.  I get so nervous when someone comes to my house that I haven't seen theirs for some reason.  I don't care what people think for the most part...  guess when it comes to my home I do.  Scared of judgment for some reason.  We live very simply and love it.  We are in the process of selling all our BIG furniture and sold our old futon and entertainment center this past weekend leaving our living room with 2 chairs and a desk among all DS play stations. 

 

I have never really been an entertainer...  well.... food and beverages are always there...  I mean in the sense of matching plates, glasses, etc...  my Mom and G-ma always were...  maybe that is where the anxiety comes from even though I don't feel I need to be that way...  programmed from childhood and or society?  .. sigh.  Who knows.....  If you don't dig it, don't come back I guess :)

 

Starting Bikram Yoga on Thursday... looking forward to it but a little nervous.  Broke my neck (C6 and C7) a month before DS was conceived and I am hurting pretty good by the end of the day. DH and I were in a nasty car accident that was just horrible while visiting my folks. 

 

Have a good day all!


Edited by goldenwillow - 1/13/11 at 6:40am
post #742 of 796

I'm new to the thread.  I identified with a lot of the description on the very first post (and I'll admit, I can't read 38 pages worth, so I'm just going ahead and posting!)  I definitely can feel drained by the company of others, especially if it's in my home or if I can't escape them.  


I feel a lot of my introversion is due to my job.  As a high school teacher, I have to deal with people all day long....really demanding people and it's exhausting sometimes!!  My bf (who is also a teacher) is super social and I often have to say "I really need to do nothing."  I've often wondered about how my introversion will affect my daughter in the long run.  I ask myself if I'm doing a bad job mothering because I'm not out and about and with the people all the time, but then I remind myself that if I want to be a good mother, I have to take care of myself.  And I need quiet time!  

 

Very glad to find this thread and interested to keep reading!

post #743 of 796

Welcome to the newcomers.

 

When I was a child what I wanted most from the adults around me was their love (to feel loved by them). So when I'm inclined to question my mothering style I just think: Does DS know that I love him? That's how I cut through second guessing my abilities/societal expectations etc.

 

What also helps is ensuring that I get quality me-time from time-to-time (to build up the required energy reserves) in order to give him the kind of attention he desires.

 

He recently turned 1 BTW. love.gif

 

 

On another note, I learned an interesting lesson on communication recently... I was in a situation where I could have taken a problem within an organization to the next level, but decided to say nothing. In my own way, I could see that the problem was likely to be a one off and therefore the stress of confrontation, escalation was not needed etc. so I let it go.

 

The lesson for me though, was that by not saying anything-at-all it was interpreted as a negative - they thought I was really angry. The other party worked themselves up to the point where they confessed the problem to their superior in my presence. So then I had to deal with this extra explosion of communication that I had not planned for or anticipated.

 

Isn't it amazing how silence can be misinterpreted...

post #744 of 796

DH and I take it in turns to look after DS so that we can get out on our own sometimes.

 

Today when I was purchasing a movie ticket I aked for one adult ticket. The cashier asked me to confirm if it was for just one ticket. Then she added, "All by yourself?" And I replied in a matter-of-fact way, "Yes, all by myself." shine.gif

 

I always sit at the front of the cinema because hardly anyone ever likes to sit up there. It is so peaceful.

 

 

post #745 of 796

Xantho - congrats on your wedding! (belated)

 

I had a good visit back home for the first time ever. We limited the time my brother could be at the house because the dynamic changes for the worse. He decided to leave one day early which was good for everyone. (It's complicated.) The main reason I had such a great time was because I got to see 3 old friends! One I hadn't seen in almost 15 years! (Egad, I can hardly believe I am old enough to even say that! lol)

 

I did opt out of visiting my DH's friend but he took DD since his pal has a daughter too. They had fun and I got some quiet. It was good.

 

We didn't do anything but light some sparklers with DD for New Year's, which was fine.

 

Now we are trying to get into the groove of homeschooling again. DD's wilderness class starts up this week if she's well enough to go. She caught a cold and now I seem to be getting it too. I agreed to belly dance again to another unknown "side project" band's live music in two weeks. It will be a mix of Middle Eastern and Celtic so we'll see how that goes.

 

We've made some new friends here too which is good. They have 3 kids and also homeschool. They're a lot of fun and like to play games. We went over there on Thursday which was fun, but I opted out of the games. I just didn't feel like it, but they didn't mind.

 

I spent yesterday on my own but out and about. I ate Thai food a restaurant I like. They are used to me coming in alone, though sometimes I bring a friend or my DH.

 

So other than the colds over here, we are doing pretty well.

 

I saw a PP said she likes to go to the movies alone and sit in the front. I like to go to the movies alone sometimes, but I usually sit in the back. Of course, I usually never go until the movie is almost done with it's run so the theater is tiny anyway. lol

 

I've also noticed DD is getting more extroverted again now that her depression has lifted. She does well with mixed introverted and extroverted activities and I think I am learning both of our limits a bit so it's getting easier to meet both of our needs.

post #746 of 796

I hope everyone is well in the new year.

 

It has already been a tough month. I had a friend from work pass away from cancer. She wasn't much older than me, it really made me stop and think about my own life and how important my kids and husband are to me. She had a large family that she was close to and it was so beautiful to see how close knit they are.

 

DH has been in a good mood lately and so he is doing more social things. He came home yesterday with an invite to go to the beach next summer for a week with 4 other families in one of those huge houses. yikes2.gif sounds like a horrible idea. I'm hoping that my work schedule conflicts so that it will be easier to say no. I don't even know three of the families. DH is an extrovert btw...

post #747 of 796

Kaby - I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your friend.

 

post #748 of 796

I was so amazed when I started reading this thread. I suppose I've always realized I'm a bit of an introvert, but I never knew the exact definition, nor was aware of how much it encompasses who I am.

 

I grew up in a family of noisy extroverts and it was pretty torturous since it was always them against me--and obviously something had to be wrong with me, the odd one out, right? Even when I was little, I used to hide in my closet (closet door ajar, bedroom door open wink1.gif) to get away from my mom and her constant talking.

 

As a child, my parents called me a cold fish and antisocial all the time--I believe they were hurt and lashing out because I needed alone time and they thought it was because I didn't enjoy spending every waking moment with them.

 

The weird thing though is that I have battled loneliness all my life, and I don't know if it has anything to do with my introverted personality. It's so hard to find someone I can be myself around and open up with. And my life has moved me around the world, so it's so hard to hold onto the few good friendships I've made over the years, when those relationships are all long-distance.

 

Does anyone else also find that even when you do find someone who you feel you can talk to, the other person rarely seems to reciprocate? I am often puzzled and a bit hurt when I try to nurture a new friendship and the person instead withdraws. As a SAHM with a young toddler and a husband I rarely see, I really long for just one really good friend, who I can talk to, but friendship seems like such an elusive thing for me. 

 

Well, thank you so much to all of you for sharing your own experiences. I, too, have a very demanding toddler who says "mama, mama, mama" all day long and it drives me absolutely bonkers. And I am also petrified of having a second child because I couldn't imagine having TWO little people demanding I talk and sing and play with them all day long--argh!

post #749 of 796

Subbing privateeyes.gif

 

I was surprised to see this one come up today, I've never heard the definition at the start of this thread but it really does explain alot.  I am lucky enough to be from a family with several introverts so I wasn't ever pushed one way or the other but my husband is a complete extrovert and it took him a really long time (probably 10 years) to understand how I worked and felt comfortable because he comes from a family of pretty much only extroverts.

post #750 of 796

Hello all

 

I would like to chat with some other introverts. How do you go about making friends? I find it extremely difficult. I hope this thread gets revived.

post #751 of 796

I have probably replied to this a long time ago. Nice to see it pop up again. Im not a shy person . I have no problem talking to peoplebut after being around a lot of people or in a crowded area with lots of noises and such I need time to recharge. It just drains me. Im also quite a hermit. If givin a choice to go out to a party or school event I would much rather stay at home. I was thinking about this today. There is no where that I would rather be than home.

There's no place like home orngtongue.gif

post #752 of 796

I haven't posted on here in a while.  I was definitely feeling the downside of being an introvert with my kids tonight.  My husband works long hours and is rarely home before the kids go to bed.  I've got an intoverted 8 year old who loves to read and play video games.  I can sit and quietly read or just be with him.  Then I have a LOUD, constantly talking, contrary and demanding 5 year old.  And, last but not least, a special needs 23 month old, who is in an attachment phase and knows a few signs and very few words, and so often cries and screams.  I was just done tonight.  Done with crying, done with fighting brothers, done with my 5 year old making everything difficult, done with demands and done with my three children needing so much from me.  Not a good feeling.  After they all went to bed, I have read, done yoga and taken a shower and am beginning to feel better.  Of course, I'm going to end up staying up way too late, since I need to clean up a bit before my daughter's therapy session tomorrow morning and take the garbage out still.  Going out in the cold will be sure to wake me up.  And then I will be awoken a 5am by my daughter without having had enough sleep...

On the bright side, my two closest friends are meeting me in New Orleans on Friday for a long weekend.  They live on the other side of the country and I rarely see them.  We went to New Orleans 10 years (and 8 kids) ago and were overdue for a girls weekend.  My husband is taking some vacation days to be with the kids and I will be with two people that I feel comfortable and relaxed with.  Just what I need right now.  I love my children dearly, but I do need some time to just be me and to just be. 

post #753 of 796

Disaster! I was so excited to learn more about myself as an introvert that I naively decided to be open with my mom about why I get so stressed out when she and my dad (both very talkative extroverts) come to stay in our tiny apartment for weeks-long visits. Is it impossible for an extrovert to empathize with an introvert? Because my mom took everything I said very personally and has started writing very hurt, accusatory things. She also thinks there is something psychologically wrong with me and now is writing about how she is worried for me and for my daughter--I think she fears I'm raising my daughter in some sort of isolated, unhealthy environment. Which is totally untrue. I've actually never gone out so much in my life and met up so frequently with other people until I had DD.

 

So now I feel anxious and disappointed and a bit resentful, and I seem to have managed to semi-alienate a good portion of my family with my latest disclosure. (They all pretty much think I don't want to see them any more.) 

post #754 of 796

sobamom - Sorry to hear your family is trying to use your disclosure as an introvert against you. Have you read "The Introvert Advantage" or "Introvert Power?"

 

I would suggest reading them and then passing on "The Introvert Advantage" to your parents. ("Introvert Power" is good but a little more "in your face" about it.) In the meantime (or if they wouldn't read a book about introversion), find some good introvert articles you like online and share them. Maybe having some "proof in print" will help them understand what you are trying to say. Frame it as you want to help them understand you better so you all can benefit for a more satisfying relationship with one another. Also, if you can brainstorm some ways to help meet their needs to see you without making you feel so overstimulated, that might help. Maybe during visits, you can arrange for them to spend time with your DD without you. Then you can get some downtime while they get to feel like they're getting special time with their grandchild. This would work especially well if your DD is extroverted as well.

Hi to all the other new people on this thread. wave.gif

 

 

post #755 of 796

I had an annoying experience at the doctor's office today. I take allergy shots and after a shot, I have to wait in the office for 30 minutes to be monitored just in case of an adverse reaction. That's fine. I like to read or do crossword puzzles or surf the internet on their wifi. But today there was another patient who was just loud and annoying. It started at the front desk. She was being pushy IMO. They accommodated her to get her to shut up. Fine.

 

But then while I was waiting after I had my shot, she was talking so loudly I could hear bit of her conversation with the shots nurse through the open window. Then after she came back out to the waiting area, she kept trying to chat with him about movies and blah-blah-blah - even after he had to call up another patient. I was not the only one in the waiting area that noticed her. I finally got up and moved to the other side of the waiting area. It was quieter after that, but I still could have make out her every word. It was hard to concentrate on my magazine. She moved to my previous seat, right next to the nurse station, but she eventually got out a laptop and stopped talking. I imagine the nurse was glad to be able to get some work done since he had seemed to be trying to get out of the conversation.

post #756 of 796

Sobamom, I'm having a similar experience, except it's with my in-laws. They visit two or three times a year and have stayed as long as three weeks. They never ask if the timing of the visit is okay with me (they announce they're coming), and they have never once told me how long they plan to stay. I have just had enough. My husband, in trying to "appease" me, apparently told them not to stay with us at all the last time they were here, but in a hotel. (Every time I try to talk about it he changes the subject, so I don't even know what he has told them.) So the last time they were here, I saw them twice, and they were not very friendly. All I want is shorter visits and not the two to three week killer marathon visits!!!!

 

I have gotten ZERO understanding. It's like they think saying I'm an introvert and that they need to limit their visits is the same thing as saying, "I hate you." My husband insists I'm not introverted, I'm depressed - so to the poster who said it took her husband 10 years to get it, good for you - - I've been married for 25 years and my husband and his family think I have psychological issues because I like my privacy and don't want to entertain guests while going about my usual daily routine. My husband works long hours and is not even home most of the time his parents are here, and I resent having to do all the prep work (clean the house and guest room, sweep the porch, plan, shop for, and cook the meals). I've stopped suggesting outings with them because all they want to do is putter around the house and read the stack of books they brought with them. And chit chat and cook and chit chat and cook and chit chat and cook. And do my laundry, which some people would probably like, but I feel it's an invasion of privacy. (Why does my mother-in-law need to wash and fold my underwear?) It's just too much togetherness. I DO NOT subscribe to the "mi casa es su casa" school of thought. I've seen his parents more in the last five years than I've seen my own in the last 25. More than he's seen them, too .....

 

Because I've offended them so, they acted very cold to me at Thanksgiving, so I cancelled our annual trip to their house after Christmas. It's like they either have to have free rein over my life and house at their discretion, or no relationship at all.

 

But I had a really nice, drama-free Christmas. I think I'll do it that way next year, too.

post #757 of 796


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Starflower View Post

sobamom - Sorry to hear your family is trying to use your disclosure as an introvert against you. Have you read "The Introvert Advantage" or "Introvert Power?"

 

I would suggest reading them and then passing on "The Introvert Advantage" to your parents. ("Introvert Power" is good but a little more "in your face" about it.) In the meantime (or if they wouldn't read a book about introversion), find some good introvert articles you like online and share them. Maybe having some "proof in print" will help them understand what you are trying to say. Frame it as you want to help them understand you better so you all can benefit for a more satisfying relationship with one another. Also, if you can brainstorm some ways to help meet their needs to see you without making you feel so overstimulated, that might help. Maybe during visits, you can arrange for them to spend time with your DD without you. Then you can get some downtime while they get to feel like they're getting special time with their grandchild. This would work especially well if your DD is extroverted as well.

Hi Starflower, thanks so much for the comments and advice. I was really down about it because I've always felt like something of an outsider in my family and now they think they have confirmation that I'm a big weirdo. Sigh.

 

I tried searching for some good online articles, but unfortunately, most of the articles I've found are written by introverts and there is definitely an "us vs them" tone that I think, unfortunately, would alienate a lot of extroverts. Also, my mom seems to now be in a place of denial and simply doesn't want to hear anything more on the subject.
 

As for your last suggestion, unfortunately, my daughter is extremely dependent on me, to the point of even rejecting my husband. She won't tolerate other people unless I'm within clinging distance. Another sigh. 

Quote:
Originally Posted by agreenbough View Post

Sobamom, I'm having a similar experience, except it's with my in-laws. They visit two or three times a year and have stayed as long as three weeks. They never ask if the timing of the visit is okay with me (they announce they're coming), and they have never once told me how long they plan to stay. I have just had enough. My husband, in trying to "appease" me, apparently told them not to stay with us at all the last time they were here, but in a hotel. (Every time I try to talk about it he changes the subject, so I don't even know what he has told them.) So the last time they were here, I saw them twice, and they were not very friendly. All I want is shorter visits and not the two to three week killer marathon visits!!!!

 

I have gotten ZERO understanding. It's like they think saying I'm an introvert and that they need to limit their visits is the same thing as saying, "I hate you." My husband insists I'm not introverted, I'm depressed - so to the poster who said it took her husband 10 years to get it, good for you - - I've been married for 25 years and my husband and his family think I have psychological issues because I like my privacy and don't want to entertain guests while going about my usual daily routine. My husband works long hours and is not even home most of the time his parents are here, and I resent having to do all the prep work (clean the house and guest room, sweep the porch, plan, shop for, and cook the meals). I've stopped suggesting outings with them because all they want to do is putter around the house and read the stack of books they brought with them. And chit chat and cook and chit chat and cook and chit chat and cook. And do my laundry, which some people would probably like, but I feel it's an invasion of privacy. (Why does my mother-in-law need to wash and fold my underwear?) It's just too much togetherness. I DO NOT subscribe to the "mi casa es su casa" school of thought. I've seen his parents more in the last five years than I've seen my own in the last 25. More than he's seen them, too .....

 

Because I've offended them so, they acted very cold to me at Thanksgiving, so I cancelled our annual trip to their house after Christmas. It's like they either have to have free rein over my life and house at their discretion, or no relationship at all.

 

But I had a really nice, drama-free Christmas. I think I'll do it that way next year, too.


Agreenbough, I'm sorry to hear we're going through really similar experiences. I can clearly picture your stiffly offended in-laws' faces! They sound a lot like my parents--just endless chit-chat, from the moment I get up (total hell, since I'm not a morning person) till I pretend to go to bed...early. Like you, though, the upside is that they realize now that I'm not happy when they drop by without asking--though you can't exactly say, "No, don't come," can you?--and staying for weeks.

 

The most unfortunate thing is that your husband isn't more understanding. That must be hard, but he should know and accept you, since I'm sure you haven't changed that must in terms of your introvertedness from when the two of you first met, have you?


Edited by sobamom - 1/30/11 at 4:00pm
post #758 of 796

I haven't changed over the years in respect to my introvertedness, but I have changed in the respect that I'm no longer willing to go along with some things I'm uncomfortable with in order to keep the peace. I come from a family of introverts, so we're all really good at giving each other space and  don't see the need to be alone sometimes as weird. We respect each others' boundaries. We're all on good terms, but don't really talk all that often. Once a month, maybe.

 

My ILs, on the other hand, seem to have MUCH looser boundaries. They're always going the extra mile to "help" even when no help was requested. I'm not really used to "help" and it often comes across as intrusiveness to me. For instance, I can't begin to imagine being a guest in someone's home and cleaning their microwave and cleaning out their refrigerator. I can't imagine being asked to do those things if I was a guest in someone else's home, either. My MIL actually got upset once because my clueless husband told her to clean out the refrigerator, and then I told her that's not the kind of thing a guest should do, and to not do it. (I worded it more politely than that.) I mean, she wouldn't know what needed to be kept, and would likely throw out things I had intended to keep. But she was actually upset, to the point that I felt like saying, hey, if you want to clean out a refrigerator, go home and do your own!

 

I was visiting her once with my husband, and he was out somewhere. I really needed some alone time, so I told her I was going to go out to a local restaurant for a while. So she went and invited my BIL to go with me, without even asking me if I wanted company. Like she simply can't fathom anyone enjoying being alone.

 

post #759 of 796

sobamom - my parents thiink I'm weird and have told me this forever. I don't think it's from the introversion though- I just think very differently from them. I am positive that I am the only INFP in our family. I had my mom take the abbreviated Meyers-Briggs while she was here. She ended up something like mixed for extrovert and introvert pretty evenly. In fact everything on hers was fairly close - except the Judging vs. Perceiving. She was heavy on the J and I am very heavy on the P. I think this difference is what causes most of our problems. We actually get along pretty well most of the time. I don't know what my dad's problem is. lol

 

My family is extremely intrusive though. And patronizing. gag. They call all the time. It's rare to go a week without hearing from them. They're all up in everyone's business trying to "fix" everything. Very co-dependent. Drives me nuts. I have to be very careful about sharing anything with my family because they will try to fix it (even if it "ain't broke") and/or tell everyone else in the family. I think much of this is my dad. He will call me and say my mom wants to talk to me when she may or may not really want to talk. He says she wants to talk but doesn't want to call. I think he's just nosy.

 

DH's family is pretty much non-communicative and the total opposite. I think many of them are extroverts, but they are also very out of sight, out of mind type people and they just don't call or anything. And if you do tell them something, they don't try to take the info and do something with it like my family.

 

agreenbough - it's nuts that your MIL invited your BIL to your dinner out alone. I think for some extroverts the idea of dining alone must be terrifying. Kind of like me thinking about having dinner at DH's office party in loud, noisy room at huge tables full of strangers and chit chat. (AAAACK!) I doubt she'll ever get it. Next time maybe you could tell her you're going to the library or something?

post #760 of 796

The problem I have now is that I've built up so much resentment over the years that I just can't seem to shake it. Every time it crosses my mind I get angry. I know I shouldn't allow someone to have that much control, but I don't know how to let it go.

I think it's because there has been no closure, and none is in sight. I guess I'm just waiting for the next announcement of a visit to stand up and say, "No more."

It's really hard to get people to understand when they seem to have no grasp of psychology/personality. It's like they have a simple, basic way of thinking about what acceptable behavior is, and any deviation from their script is wrong. Or weird. Or both.

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