My Bro got his GF pregnant- hell is breaking loose

[calimommy]

My brothers GF is pregnant. keeping the baby. Both are in College and work part time jobs. both are responsable (somewhat) people.

The girls mom has 4 DD's all live with her. the 2 oldest ( the GF(18) and a 22 yr old) support the mom- yes... they pay ALL the hosue bills. Mom has depression, has not worked in a very long time- she justifies not working with "needing to be a "stay at home mom": she has a BF which is the father to the yongest 2 girls ( ages 9 and 14). doesnt liek to be told what to do, DD"s are a bit submissive to her. overall - she may be a very controlling person

This lady calls my brother several times a day for many reasons, shes called my hosue looking for her daughter adn never even bothered to tell me who she was, she began asking my brother if he coudl pick up the GFfrom work, then one day she never picked her up anymore - she just figured that BF's do thsoe things. and when he says he has to do somehting, she asks what it is, how long its gonna take and if its really important.

I got in an argument with her last night b/c by brother called to talk to his gf and she ended up telling him hes going down the wrong path, wasting his life and needs to act more mature ( kind of hard stones to throw from a person who calls HIM 10 times a day to pick up her kids, doesnt want to work and makes her kids work for her..IMO anyway). at any rate, I told her " if my brother starts talking and you feel its disrespectfull, you need to tell him so and hang up- she ended up telling a long story taht I can't even remember anymore. she talked every time I tried to talk adn told me I'm too young to know anyhting....

I'm furious: at how shes treats my bro's GF and my brother. shes called my mom at 2 am with the address of where her DD may be for my mom to go look for her! I'm as supportive as I can be of both of them, but this lady jsut drives me NUTS!!! and I'm not even sure how to cut off a conversatin with her when she starts raising her voice to me

somoen plz tell me your oppinion- I need to know if I'm out of palce and need to shut up or how to deal with her- If this is too mcuh stress for me, I can't imagine what her daughter must be going through.....

[MusicianDad]

Deal with mom as little as possible and support the GF as much as possible. I might even let the GF know that if she needs to get away from her mom for a while, she's welcome in your home.

As for cutting off the conversation, if it's on the phone just hang up. You can support your brother and his gf without having to deal with her mom.

[calimommy]

and can my brother stand up to her without being disrespectfull? shes very manipulative and likes to give guilt trips i.e disconnects or unpluggs the hosue phone so that my brother has to call HER CELL phone. Its almsot as if she wants to be the one having the relationship with my brother.. which scares me a bit.....

[MusicianDad]

Is there any way for his gf to get her own cell phone?

For your brother, he just needs to be assertive. Because gf's mom takes it as being disrespectful doesn't mean it actually is. "I'm sorry, but I can't. I'm busy." is all he needs to say when she's trying to guilt him into something. After that, he's allowed to hang up too. For face to face, teach him the "Please pass the bean dip" technique often cited in the parenting forum when dealing with family who won't let up. Basically he needs to learn how to avoid giving her a chance to drag him down.

[notjustmamie]

I don't mean to sound rude, but I'm confused why you're involved at all. Does your brother live with you? It sounds like your brother and his gf need to set some boundaries with her family. As long as they are bending to her mom's will, her mom will continue to manipulate them.

I would suggest you no longer accept calls from her [the mom] and advise your brother that he and his gf need to make some decisions about how involved her mom will be in their lives and then stick to it. I don't think you (or your mom) should be involved. He is an adult and about to become a parent. He needs to start living his own life.

Again, I don't mean to offend, I'm just basing this on the information you shared in the OP. There may be more to the story that I don't know, but if the situation is as presented, I'd do my best to stay out of it.

[calimommy]

frequently, the GF has been getting sick, and on more than one occasion my bro is the one who has to take the GF to the ( ER/ Immidiate care) even though the mom is at home with them- she is sither too tired, or feels "its nothing, pregnant people get sick all the time" meanwhile, my bro has to pick up our mom for work so he will call me at the last minute asking if i can go pick her up.- not a problem until it stated happening frequently.

a few days ago the girl went to the ER- threw up 20 times and the mom felt is was nothing. she did nothing to console her DD. in fact she sat in anotehr chair and read a magazine. she didn't even say hi. as they were about to leave teh ER she gave my brother her keys and told him to go get her car ( he had came with us). she asked him if he ws gonna go over later and he aid yes.

later that night my bro was filling out an application and was held up- the mom calle dmy house 4 times wanting to know when he was going to go over there- I todl ehr when hes done. then she called his cell phone and started yelling at him. I was already tired of all thsi so I took the phone away and asked if there was a problem and she started telling me that danny never wnatst o call her ( the mom) or come over when he says hes gonna coem over ... its liek teh relationship is with the mom and not with the daughter.

the daughter has a cell, but the mom turns it off (as wella s the hosue phone) so taht my brother has to call HER cell phone- then she doesnt give the phone to her DD. if he goes over to the hosue, she won't answer the door bell if shes sitting to far away from the door!

Its jsut insane, it drives me nuts to see my our mom and my brother stressed out and worried and this lady acting like its all about her. I thought maybe if i stepped in she wouldn't try to walk all over my brother.....

[MusicianDad]

Chances are, if you step in she won't give your brother a break.

[yarngoddess]

GF and your Brother are the ones that need to set some boundaries with MIL (for lack of better initials) and if that doesnt' work they need to get a place of their own- or move in with other family. This lady is manipulative, and she's AWESOME at it! She is not going to change- she's too good at it, and she's succeeded her whole life at getting what she wants from people but acting JUST THIS WAY.

YOU- need to step out. As does your mother. You need to be there for GF and Brother and support them any way you can. I would get caller ID and not answer the phone when MIL calls. I would just not interact with MIL- because that's what she wants. Period. GF on the other hand- needs to get away because she's pregnant and doesnt need this added stress especially with hyper-emesis (sp)

So sorry you are dealing with this!

[Catubodua]

perhaps i'm thinking too simplistic, but - have GF move in to your home, put blocks on all your phones so that her mom's numbers don't ring through, hang up on her if she gets around that, and live your lives free of her stress. if GF is 18 she can live wherever she wants and doesn't have to speak to anyone she doesn't want to.