Better to ignore or talk to her?

[Shami]

I have fifteen month dd and she is beginning to trantrum a little. I would be happy to do the time in thing with her but it seems she doesn't want to be held. She walks around crying and arching her back. When I try to redirect it makes her more mad. When I try to hold her, it makes her more mad. Of course I don't do time outs because she is so little.
My question is this:
After I have offered to comfort or redirect and she gets more upset, do I just go about my business? Do I keep talking to her? Once I told her gently, stop crying now. That didn't work.
I have this concept that while she is crying I shouldn't give her any attention or else it will reinforce and perpetuate the crying. But something in my gut doesn't feel right to completely ignore her. What I did today is go about my business and keep talking to her every now and then. What do you all do?

[ann_of_loxley]

This is a good article to read!

Remember what a 'tantrum' is - it is your child expressing a feeling, or loads of feelings!, in the only way they know how!
Some children like to be held through this as a comfort measure...Some dont - respect that. Sometimes all a child needs is just for you to be near then, provide them eye contact, talk with them, etc.

Remember also that a child needs to have this tantrum. Think what you do when you are feeling angry, sad, upset, frustrated, etc. - it can help you better understand and empathise with your child. Do you want to teach your child to bottle their feelings up or become an emotional healthy human being? Of course you want her to be emotionally healthy!...So...

Do not ignore. It teaches your child that their feelings - other than happy perhaps - are undesirable and unwanted and 'bad' - especially to you the parent. Listen to your child and validate. Help them find words for their feelings. It is not a 'tantrum' - it is your child feeling 'angry' or 'sad', etc - basically our feelings have names! What ignoring does not teach is what our feelings are, that they are 'ok' things to have, they are normal, healthy, etc...

Do not distract. It teaches the same as ignoring... 'Oh we are angry...undesirable! - Here, lets me happy instead have a toy/biscuit/etc'. Distraction/redirection teaches our children to bottle up their emotions and that only feeling the 'good' feelings is desirable.

Let the feeling happen! We need our feelings...all of them!

If your child does something that is not 'ok' to do whilst having a feeling - such as hitting or biting, etc...calmly explain that it is okay to be angry (etc), not okay to hit people...But remember that our child still needs to be able to safely express a feeling - so provide something for them that perahps is 'ok' to hit - like a pillow or the sofa, etc!

Usually, a lot of the 'talking' needs to wait until the 'storm' has passed as a child is just not 'there' during the moment. So during this time, be open and there for your child so that they know you love them unconditionally - even during the worst of times. for your daughter, perhaps this just means sitting near her with your full attention on her. And, during this time, perhaps you could do a bit self talk inside your head yourself - figure your daughter out, work on your own feelings, why that might be, how you can heal yourself and respond better to your child, etc.

And read 'Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves' by naomi Aldort!- Fab book! hehe

[Baby Boy Names]

I have 4 children and I can only share what I did with mine and hope that it can help you.

There was one book that I read when I was pregnant with my first child and it helped me greatly in dealing with tantrums of any age. The book is "Raising a happy, unspoiled child" by Burton White.

What I've learn in times of tantrum is to first try to understand what the child needs. If this does not work, try to put her in a room that she can still see you but cannot come to you. What I do is to put her in crib and tell my son that since you don't want mommy to comfort you I'll let you express yourself and give you time to calm yourself down.

Then the book advices to wait for 15 minutes. The child will of course cry, shout and do everything to get your attention, but remember that you've already tried your best to soothe him but he won't respond. So the best thing is to let the 15 minutes pass and you'll see that before the time is up your child has mellowed down and you can go to her and start to reassure her once again. This time she will be more receptive to your efforts.

Hope that helps.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by Baby Boy Names

What I've learn in times of tantrum is to first try to understand what the child needs. If this does not work, try to put her in a room that she can still see you but cannot come to you. What I do is to put her in crib and tell my son that since you don't want mommy to comfort you I'll let you express yourself and give you time to calm yourself down.

Then the book advices to wait for 15 minutes. The child will of course cry, shout and do everything to get your attention, but remember that you've already tried your best to soothe him but he won't respond. So the best thing is to let the 15 minutes pass and you'll see that before the time is up your child has mellowed down and you can go to her and start to reassure her once again. This time she will be more receptive to your efforts.

Oh, please don't do that! It just teaches her that if you have feelings you have to allow mama to comfort you or you will be punished. What a strange, crazy-making way of teaching a child to deal with feelings!

ann_of_loxley mentioned some healthy ways of helping a child through strong feelings. The article is great, too.

[lynchyk]

My dd sounds like yours, anything I tried to do only made her more angry or upset!! So I just quietly said "I see you're mad, upset...when you're ready I'm here for you". I would stay in the same room and do something else. I couldn't even look her in the eye or she'd get furious. So I'd just do whatever else or sit on the floor but not staring at her. Every few minutes I'd say "Hollyn, do you want a hug now?" or whatever and then I'd wait it out until she came to me for cuddles.

BTW, she is my 3rd child. With my first 2 I thought tantrums were something that needed to be stopped or ignored. With Hollyn, since I've done this, there have been very few tantrums, and she's 2.5 now.

Kelly

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by lynchyk

My dd sounds like yours, anything I tried to do only made her more angry or upset!! So I just quietly said "I see you're mad, upset...when you're ready I'm here for you". I would stay in the same room and do something else. I couldn't even look her in the eye or she'd get furious. So I'd just do whatever else or sit on the floor but not staring at her. Every few minutes I'd say "Hollyn, do you want a hug now?" or whatever and then I'd wait it out until she came to me for cuddles.Kelly

That's what worked with our ds as well.

It really depends on the child. Dd needs a hug/to be held immediately. Ds needed his space. Touching him, talking to him or doing much of anything just made him escalate. So, sitting nearby doing something folding laundry and checking in helped.

My attitude toward tantrums got a lot calmer when I realized that my job was really to help my child learn to deal with strong emotions. It's not to stop them. It's not to 'fix' the problem. It's to help them learn to deal with these emotions in a healthy way. For ds, that turns out to be separating himself from us for a bit. At 7, he stomps upstairs, slams his door and does something in his room for a bit. Then he comes down and needs a hug. For dd, the solution turns out to be sobbing in my arms.

[Shera971]

Sometimes its nice just to be able to vent your frustrations which is what a tantrum is in my opinion. Whenever my son had one (which was rare thank goodness!), I would say "I see you are upset. When you are ready to talk about it, let me know". And then I would go about my business. I wouldn't ignore him but I wouldn't be in his face either kwim? Sometimes he would calm down and seek me out, other times it would escalate and he would call for me. I just took my cues from him.

[Shannie77]

My DD also will not tolerate hugs, talking too etc. while upset. I usually just let the tantrum run its course and as she calms down ask "do you need a hug". As she calms down she will accept hugs & cuddles.

[Shami]

Originally Posted by lynchyk

My dd sounds like yours, anything I tried to do only made her more angry or upset!! So I just quietly said "I see you're mad, upset...when you're ready I'm here for you". I would stay in the same room and do something else. I couldn't even look her in the eye or she'd get furious.
This is how my dd is.BTW, she is my 3rd child. With my first 2 I thought tantrums were something that needed to be stopped or ignored. With Hollyn, since I've done this, there have been very few tantrums, and she's 2.5 now.

Kelly

This is very encouraging.
Thank you all for your responses.
Ann thanks for reminding me what a tantrum is. I had read that article and forgotten about it. Very helpful.
I am just so tired of being afraid that I will spoil her and tired of society's rules and judgement about "spoiling" children. So glad I have MDC!

[Calee]

I hear ya momma!! My 13 month old son has only 2 words, and gets very upset, frustrated, angry, etc. etc!!! He has started the "tantruming" and arching back, etc.

I do what you stated-I try to talk to him/comfort him, but he usually throws himself away from me!!! I usually let him writhe around on the floor and sit somewhere close-reading (or pretending to!) picking up toys, or whatever I can do to be close, let him have it out, and then be available when he is ready.

I know it is SOOOO hard! I know the talking stage brings it's own challenges, but in some aspects it gets a little easier when they can TELL you what they are mad/upset about.

[ASusan]

DS is 16 mos. When he starts, I try to mirror what I think his emotion is, "OOhh, you're angry because mama won't let you have the plunger." And I'll put a hand on him. (He will have fallen to the floor on his arched back, belly in the air.) If he lets me, I'll keep my hand there until he's done.

We're not into the tantrum stage yet. His seem to end after less than 10 seconds, so they are tantrum starts, but not full-blown. It's as if he says, "Well, THIS is no fun," and turns over and goes about his business.

[simplymother]

My experience is the same as that described by lynchyk.

Neither of my girls want me to hold them when they're really upset, and the whole "mirror their feelings" thing, while sounding wonderful in theory, just is not what my kids need at the time. They benefit from both--(holding, and talking about feelings) AFTER the fact, but attempting to do anything like that DURING the heat of emotion only escalates things.

So yeah, I just stay calm, try to exude my own confidence in myself AND my child, remain near by but not focusing my attention on the child (because if I do, she screams, not because I'm trying to "ignore" her in any way!) I want to somehow let her know that I am HERE for her, and willing to help in anyway I can, but it's often hard to do because of course in those moments they can't hear anything I'm saying!

But as soon as I let my attention be drawn to something else, both my girls have found ways of commanding it back, and usually then want cuddles and comfort and then they do respond to talking about their feelings.

It took me much longer to figure this out with my first. My second is still in the tantrum age (2.5) but doesn't do it much, or for long anymore. Actually, not even to the point that I would describe her as having tantrums.

[One_Girl]

If she seems to want space then tell her you will be there for her if she needs you and give her space. Stay in the same room with her and talk to her as she seems ready for you but don't go into her space until she seems ready for you and back off immediately if she seems to need space again.

[Shami]

Originally Posted by One_Girl

If she seems to want space then tell her you will be there for her if she needs you and give her space. Stay in the same room with her and talk to her as she seems ready for you but don't go into her space until she seems ready for you and back off immediately if she seems to need space again.

Thanks One Girl
It helps to see it as giving her the space she needs and to back off when she is not ready. This has def. happened. I tried to comfort her and she screamed louder. Sometimes even looking at her is going into her space and it makes it worse.