Preparing 4YO sibling for new baby

[Erdbeer]

We are expecting a new baby in the next few weeks, and our otherwise easy-going 4.5YO son has been having a pretty rough time. His behavior is understandable but I am starting to feel really insecure about what the best way to deal with it is.

The main problem is that he has been really resisting going to preschool lately. He cries in the morning and clings to me when we get there, and asks why he has to go if I am going to be at home, and why can't I take care of him at home. He has never really loved preschool since he started one year ago, but usually once he got there he was fine and the teachers say he is fine there and has a good time. When we pick him up, he is happy and seems to have had a good day.

The whole situation is making me feel so insecure about what to do, and usually I think I have a good instinct, since until now, we've never really had any big problems.

In addition to this clinginess, he has regressed a bit, wants someone to help him dress, to help him on the toilet, and has been much more emotional than usual. We don't talk too much about the baby, but if he asks, we explain to him what to expect, for example that the baby can't do things on her own like he can, and will need a lot of help, and to be fed, etc., and what a good helper he can be once the baby is there, because he is such a big boy and can already do so many things.

This morning really has me just about in tears... he had not been to preschool on Friday or yesterday (Monday). My husband had a day off on Friday and decided to take our son to a museum, which he had been begging to do for weeks. It was a nice chance for my husband to spend some time with our son before the baby arrives. Over the weekend we had a visitor and he left yesterday, so we let our son stay home from preschool and come with me to bring our friend to the airport.

This morning I took our son to preschool and he started with the crying and clinging. Usually if the teachers don't get involved, I can get my son enthusiastic enough to enter the classroom without a scene and then everything is fine, but once the teachers interfere, the whole thing explodes into a big drama, which is what happened this morning. I then got a lecture from both teachers that it is not good for us to let him stay home, and that it just makes things harder for him. I told them that I understand that, but I also don't want him to feel pushed aside and I am thinking of keeping him home for some time when the baby is born, so his normal schedule will be disrupted for some time anyway. They said they don't think this is a good idea. I can understand their point but at the same time, I feel like my son needs to understand that he is still just as important to us as ever and should be involved from the very beginning when the baby is born.

I really need some perspective on how to deal with this... can anyone offer some input? How did you deal with these issues? Do you think I am making a mistake by not keeping up the usual routine?

[ann_of_loxley]

Would you consider not sending him to preschool at all...and maybe futher down the road - to home educate instead? Is that a realistic option for you and your family?
Also - you don't have to send him to preschool even if you do eventually plan to school.

My son will be 4+ anytime I finally get a baby that plans to stick around. At first he was going to school so we planned for a larger age gap 6+ because I did not want to have a baby and then ship him off to school - I could understand how a child might feel about that. But then we decided to home educate and I figured a 4 year gap was do-able then! (for many reasons, I was avoiding any gap much smaller than that) ... I feel very lucky that I am able to home educate though! - Though it does mean I have to work on the weekends for a few hours! (however, I am looking at changing that by becoming a nanny for a friend!)

Have you read 'Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves' - By Naomi Aldort? It is a fab book!

In the book she gives the formula 'SALVE' - The V seems really important here - and thats validation. Perhaps it might help to validate your sons feelings - Ask him how he feels. Does he feel like you will love the baby more? - etc. Be open and share your own feelings (without shaming or blaming) and just listen. Let him know you are there and always will be. Some things we can not change - though we would always like our children to be perfectly happy all the time, they can't. But we can listen and validate and help to empower them so that they can come out the other end emotionally healthy and in control of their own life/emotions - able to move forward.

I personally do not think there is anything wrong with meeting your sons needs to be close with you at this time in your/his life. I am expecting these regressions myself - which is why we just got a bigger bed so we can all fit in it when a baby arrives! hehe

To 'prepare' my son I am getting some books - there are home birth books out there for children such as 'Runa's Birth'! I also talk 'real' with him about it -he may or may not be there, depends if he is asleep at the time or not!...So its important he knows the 'truth'. I have also explained which things are the 'baby's' - Such as the space in the car where the car seat will go - he is already calling it the babys seat! bless
What I am avoiding doing is expecting my son to change to my advantage. I decided to have a baby - not him. So I do not think it is fair to expect him to all of a sudden be a 'big boy' and all grown up. Where he is at in his life is certainly helpful - dont get me wrong! But I do not want to put pressure on him. In fact, I have never called him a 'big boy' at all - ever..baby or no baby. He is simply Duncan - thats who he is. I sort of feel about 'big boy' as I do about praise - it can be manipulative in a way - it sort of says 'I expect you to act this way' when maybe they are not feeling that way if that makes any sense! I would rather address how my child is truely feeling than label them one way or the other. This subject could get pretty deep though and rather personal! lol (and I have no idea if I am making any sense at all! lol)...

If you dont already have it on your shelf - Siblings Without Rivalry is another book to own! (forget author!)

And if you dont already own one...or two...(or even three! lol - is there a limit? hehe)...A sling is a must have!!! Baby can have all their needs met in a sling - being close with you, nursing, etc...and it will leave your hands free in case you should need those hands for someone else. From what I have seen, it can certainly help with the transition for your child - because in a sling, a baby is hardly there at all but babys needs are still being met as well. (I suggest a wrap and a ring sling - and im not a fan of pouches but many people like them!)

Also - there was a huge thread about this once so I will quickly bring it up. There was a thread once here called 'what do you wish you would have been told when you had your second child'... or something along those lines. I think most everyone talked about how they felt towards their first child when the second one came along... Those 'mummy bear' hormones kick in for your second born and you may find you sort of feel a bit negative towards your first. Most of my friends already have two or more children - so I know this to be true and it is perfectly normal!!! I am certainly prepared for this as much as I can be, so I just wanted to give you that heads up. If you are not aware of this (as many people havnt been!) - it might certainly be a shock to you and one really does not need to feel any more insecure than they already are!...

Speaking of which...Bach remedies!!! They really do help! They sort of balance our inner selves! Good and safe for all the family!!! I am not sure where you life but you can get them online at least if you can not find them in a store near you! Get some for yourself and your son. It sounds like you could both need this right now to help with the transition.

I hope any of this helps! - I am going to be in the same (almost) situation as you one day (hopefully! - bring on a baby! lol)...and if there is one thing I am always told I am it is crazily organised and prepared! lol

What I also find helps me - is going through the day pretending you have a baby...That way, you can work out all the possible outcomes of everyday situations (such as bedtime and bathtime, etc) - So when those arise, you are prepared as you can be and it can all then run much more smoothly. (in one way I am lucky I already have a friend with a small baby who lets me practice all of this...but I do find all this advice helps in some way or another so far!)

[fairymom]

I really like what the past poster had to say but have a few things to add as I am in the same boat as you- not expecting #2 but am expecting #6 and have a 4 yo ds who is a very active sensitive child. I know for me I have a ton of hormones right now that are getting ready for birth and making me doubt my mothering skills and how I am treating my dc but deep down I know I am a good mom and do whats best for all the children and also for myself for them.

I wish my ds was in some sort of preschool or something so I could rest more and have a little more time to myself- and this will be impotant too when lo gets here maybe even more so in the first few weeks.My other children have a 3-4 year gap too and most of them had school a few days a week which so helped and though they did have some separation issues it got better and they needed the time w/a safe place while mom recharged her battery!

I say do what feels right. Maybe you'll want to consider having him in school just a few days a week instead of everyday- and talk to the school teachers about the fact that they might only be trying to help but their interfering when you drop off isn't- it make actually be making thngs worse because (I am assuming here) but your ds is near when they make comments to you about your parenting skills and that undermines you and will make it harder on your son.It doen'st sound like that school is very supportive of parents that AP and want you just to leave your crying ds while he is upset!

Is there another preschool in your area that has shorter days or only a few days a week? In some ways I see this as a stage 4 yo go through (even when not expecting a sib).

Hugs- I feel your frustration!

[Raene]

My daughter is 5 and we're expecting. She's going to preschool now, but I intend to keep her home for 2 months right before the baby comes so she can have some time to adjust with just the 3 of us, and then she'll stay home when the baby comes and adjust to that. I'm planning on unschooling in the beginning...she can learn all about baby care, and then I'll do more formal homeschooling after the baby is a little bigger.

I think staying home and seeing just how our lives are, without having to be removed from the situation, is going to be a big help. Maybe something similar could work for you?

[Erdbeer]

Thanks for the replies, ideas, tips and encouragement, ladies!

To answer some questions, homeschooling is not "allowed" here in Germany, every child is required to attend school starting in first grade, and most children go to preschool from ages 3 to 6 years, in mixed age groups. Since the schools require quite a bit of self-sufficient behavior by the time the children enter, I think it is important that my son be prepared for this by attending preschool. He is a sharp kid who I think will be fine with the academic requirements of school, but is extremely sensitive, gets distracted easily, and is a bit slow on the motor skills, so I think preschool benefits him in these areas.

Due to costs, we can't afford to have him in a private preschool which would probably have much smaller groups and teachers that cater more to each child's individual needs. So he is in a city-run preschool which is sometimes stressful for him because there are 3 teachers for 25 kids in a relatively small space. They do a ton of activities with the kids, but this stresses him out a lot of the time... he'd rather just sit in the same corner playing with a toy or game for 2 hours at a time instead of switching every 30 minutes from one activity to the next and being forced to hustle from one place to the other.

I think those who said my hormones are playing a role in his are right... I am definitely more sensitive now and am doubting my mothering skills. In a way I just feel bad for the little guy because I know he is going to lose the spotlight and would like to make that loss as easy on him as possible. Also, for me, it is going to be easier at times just to let him stay home rather than hustle around town trying to get him to school by 8:30, which is the latest time I can bring him. At the moment he is enrolled from 8:30 until 2, but I could also pick him up at noon instead, and am seriously thinking about doing that (although that means he wouldn't get the hot lunch they provide there, which is actually a great-quality lunch). Plus, I know that I will need the time with the new baby and 2-3 hours may not be enough to get everything taken care of.

I guess there's really no perfect solution. Maybe I should stop talking about the preschool topic with my son and try having him tough it out for a while... he's learned over the past 2 months of holidays, illnesses and us just allowing him to be home more often that I am home now and technically he COULD be home with me. I just wish that like most of our friends' kids, he would be eager to go and play with his friends, and not so resistant...

Got to give this some more thought...

Thanks so much for the input so far!