Pros and Cons of 2 under 2 help

[Serenyd]

Have a 13 mo old and I am 4 weeks pg ... I could use some encouragement and enlightenment. What are the pros and cons? What can I expect?

[jenners26]

I have two that are just a year apart. The hardest part for me was trying to juggle the needs of two very dependent babies. My 12 month old wasn't walking, still needed help being fed, etc. It took us about 10 weeks or so before we had a routine of any kind. After that, it got much easier.

Personally, I LOVE having two this close. It's so much fun. Or...maybe I'm just so sleep deprived that I can't tell the difference between fun and torture anymore! just kidding. The beginning is very hard, but it will get easier fairly quickly, and it really is so fun, and next thing you know your new baby will be 12 months old, and you'll be wondering if it's time for another baby!

[ChetMC]

Our two girls are exactly 16 months apart. There were a few rough spots for sure, but honestly, they were very brief, and with the right dynamic, closely spaced kids can be so much fun.

For the most part, older babies or very young toddlers are too little to experience true jealousy. It isn't uncommon for a 14 or 16 month old to not take much notice of a new baby in the house and to just go about their business. If the jealousy does come it's often when the baby starts "doing stuff" sitting at the table, crawling, really playing with toys. Honestly though, jealousy, insecurity and regression issues with the older child seem to go mostly with an age spacing of 2 to 4 years.

It helps too that with closely spaced siblings both kids are still sleeping a lot. When our second DD was first born I spent very little time alone with two awake kids. Our older DD stayed up late and slept in, plus she was still napping. Second DD was a brand new baby and slept 18 or 20 hours a day. And DH was home in the evenings to help.

But I think the biggest advantage of closely spaced kids is that you can achieve parallelism quite quickly. It isn't long before both kids are a similar size, have similar interests, need the same amount of sleep, like to hear the same stories, enjoy going to the same places etc. People think that our girls are twins now, and they are absolutely the best of friends.

I would like to have a forth, and am disappointed that DS probably won't have a sibling as close to his own age as our girls do.

[3pink1blue]

mine are exactly one year, one month, one week, and one day apart. (but i just say 13 months.)
The hardest part is trying to rock them both to sleep. I imagine it might be easier for parents who use -ahem- other parenting methods. I get really stressed out at night when I need to rock them both at the same time. Its a lot easier when DH is home, I often feel like the only one parenting because he works so much, so I think it would be a lot easier for someone who had help nearby. It;s just me and my 4 kids, so that can be hard.

I have noticed now that DD3 is 18 months, she is VERY jealous of her baby brother. She wasn't for the first 5 months of his life, but all of a sudden, she is very physical with him. If I'm holding him, she hits him and tries to get him out of my arms, while screaming loudly. She doesn't want attention, she just doens't want me to give him any. I am hoping this gets better.

All in all, it hasn't been much harder than having them three years apart though. Just hard in different ways.

[ChetMC]

Most Difficult

Originally Posted by 3pink1blue

The hardest part is trying to rock them both to sleep.

The hardest thing for me was definitely when both kids legitimately needed me, and I had to pick who would be the one to wait. A lot of the time, I could figure out a way to do both things at once, and gradually, I got much better at being preemptive, with stuff like bedtime we just had the kids staggered, but it was hard when one just needed to suck it up.

At the time, I felt horrible. Now though, I see the kids having become very independent, comparatively patient for their ages, and also motivated to help each other.

[jillmamma]

My kids are farther apart in age, but I and my sister are 12 months apart. So as the older sibling of a pair like that, I can say that I don't remember not having siblings, and it was so cool always having a playmate growing up. We did a lot of things together and had a lot of the same friends too. My mom said I had hardly any adjustment at all and the hardest part for her was the fact that I did not walk till 19 months(!) so she had to get strong arm muscles carrying around 2 babies. But she went on to have #3 and #4, so it must not have been that bad.

[Tigerchild]

Pros:

*NO (or very short-lived) postpartum breast engorgement when you've got a nursing toddler.
*You're only going to be changing diapers (probably) for a span of 4 or 5 years as opposed to 8-10.
*Once the baby's been there a week, it's like s/he was always there. Once typical toddler jealous issues start in, the baby will be a little older so you'll have a little more time to devote to the older one.
*No wide discrepancy in toys, particuarly toys with small parts. (so, no worrying about magentix or legos on your 6 or 7 year old's part with a crawling aby)
*Same gender kids: no having to dig through mountains of crap that have been stored for years for those handmedown clothes/diapercovers.
*At the 3 year mark, more time for relaxation/to yourself as your little wolfpack run around having fun amongst themselves (if your'e lucky enough to get compatible kids, I did but I know it's not everyone's experience)

Cons:

*Extremely rude/invasive comments from grandma/friend/brother/cousin/teacher/random nosy stranger/neighbor/clerk
*Eventually, you will have to deal with crying. This was a shock to me, going from one to three--my daughter was scooped up before she could even wimper. With twin newborns and a 17 month old, yep, somebody sometimes had to cry for a few minutes, and I raked myself through the coals on that one--and had AP "friends" rake me too to get the spots I missed.
*The occasional need for duplication of baby items.
*Freakin' huge annoying pain in the butt double/triple strollers. UGH.
*Having to do CD laundry every day or sometimes 2x a day, instead of once every 4 or 5 days like when I had one kid.
*Tandem/triple-tandem nursing. Yeah, I know some people say they like it, I hated it. Hated. It. So I spent more time nursing since I only would do one kid at at time.
*Shock at mixed emotions when you bring the baby home. My baby girl went from a little baby to a HUGE KID within a week, thanks to the postpartum hormone surge, and that was shocking and weird for me.
*An intense, INTENSE time of parenting for 3 years.

Of course, my experiences are with 3 under 2, as my second round were twins. So I really don't know how much of my experience is typical twin vs. very close spacing. But I do know quite a few folks who have the same spacing without the twins, and the above seems very similar to their experience as well.

[SunshineJ]

Ours are 22.5 months apart, and are now 6 & 4 yrs old.

The Good.

* ALL babyproofing, diapering, etc. ended basically around the same time or within the span of 1-2 years. That was HUGE for DH and I!
* My kids are best friends. I was an only child and I've NEVER seen 2 kids so close! : I know this isn't always the case, and we may have just lucked out on that. Sure now that they're getting older they fight more, but we save a ton on toys because they're both at similar development levels. The toys DS outgrew, DD was just ready for. (Many of the clothes too!)
* Socialization. By being so close in age, especially as they get older, they're learning that sometimes the other may not want to do what they want to do, and they're becoming quite adept at negotiating and compromise.
* Less hassle overall. Yes it took longer to get out of the house, etc., but really we never got out of the habit of doing something. Once we were past that stage, we were past it. (We stopped at 2 though.)
* Entertainment factor. They entertain the heck out of us, and even better, entertained each other as soon as she was old enough to interact with her brother.

The bad.
* DS used to be very independent, he would sit and entertain himself for stretches if allowed. Once DD came around and was old enough to interact, he no longer wanted to play alone. Ever. Still doesn't.
* Sleep depravation. 'Nuff said!
* The expense of 2 in diapers, double stroller, double a lot of things. We were able to get by with only one crib, but there were still a lot of things. Also because of them being so close developmentally, on occasion that would also mean double purchases of certain toys (not worth the fights you know will happen with a certain item!)
* DS wanting to share everything with DD - like a peanut butter sandwich when she was 3 months old! Sharp eyes required!
* Waking each other up at night (they shared a room). Eventually they either got on the same schedule or would sleep through the other one waking, but it took a while.

The UGLY!
* About halfway to 2/3rds into the 2nd pregnancy I was struck with the whole mommy guilt of "what am I doing to my son! He's used to being the only one, and now he's still a baby and I'm going to completely turn his world upside down!". Yeah, once DD had been here a couple months I couldn't imagine him happier!
* Nap time. They never napped at the same time. As I would be trying to get DD down, DS would have to come in and see what was going on, thus keeping DD awake. Had to make sure that at 2 yrs old DS was in a "safe environment" while I put DD down.
* I feel like I missed most of DD's first year compared to DS's simply because I was running SO hard that entire first year. I don't remember when she got her first tooth. I don't recall a few milestones like that and that makes me sad.
* Very little couple time with DH. We made it through fine, didn't have the fights many couple do, but man that was just rough. I don't think I could have done it if I'd also been working full time (Neither slept through the night, she was a reflux baby, he had surgery while I was pregnant - it was a rough
couple years!)

Best Advice I Could Give.
*We never had a jealousy issue with DS. We didn't recruit him as a helper much, but that first week when she was home, about 10 min before it was time for her to nurse I'd announce it was time to feed the baby. Without fail he would decide then and there that he needed attention. I was able to read him a short book before I actually had to nurse her (I tried doing both at the same time, I'm just not that coordinated!), and he never seemed to feel like she was suddenly more important. As a newborn of course, she had no clue and just knew that her needs were being met when needed. After a week it went from him calling her "the baby" to "my baby" and any issues seemed to have been averted.
* Take notes of what goes on, milestones, funny things, etc. Even if you just jot a few key words on the back of a receipt or a napkin and stuff them in an envelope for later, you'll have some idea of milestones or events.
* Don't be afraid to ask for help. It took about 3 months to get my groove going after DS was born, 6 months once I added a 2nd child to the mix. Cut yourself some slack and realize it may take a little longer to feel like you've got an ounce of control over things.
* This is the most important advice I could ever give. Ignore all the negative comments and enjoy your new family. I can't imagine not having had the family I do, and I can honestly say that I've enjoyed almost every step of the way! If I had to do it over again I would without hesitation. Yeah, that first year was rough, but so, so worth it.

[sarahr]

Originally Posted by SunshineJ

*We never had a jealousy issue with DS. We didn't recruit him as a helper much, but that first week when she was home, about 10 min before it was time for her to nurse I'd announce it was time to feed the baby. Without fail he would decide then and there that he needed attention. I was able to read him a short book before I actually had to nurse her (I tried doing both at the same time, I'm just not that coordinated!), and he never seemed to feel like she was suddenly more important. As a newborn of course, she had no clue and just knew that her needs were being met when needed.

My kids won't be this close together, but I wanted to say that this is one of the most brilliant pieces of advice I've ever read. Thank you!

[jenners26]

I also wanted to suggest, have a room in your house that is completely child-friendly (baby-proofed, books, toys, etc.) and either have a baby gate or a door that will close....move a comfy chair or some pillows in there, and use this as the room you nurse in. My kids have a playroom and I would take them all in there while I nursed, and that way I didn't have to be interrupted every 2 seconds to get my older daughter out of things.

[rainbowsprite]

My DD's are 15 mo apart and my sister got DD1 her first doll & a mini pushchair (and I sewed a mini sling!!) when DD2 arrived so DD1 could nurse, or hold, or play or whatever with her "baby" while I did the same with my baby... we spent many times all snuggled up together both of us holding sleeping babies DD1 really liked being able to be involved in that way cos she was still way to young to be able to safely do anything with DD2

oh - and while I adore my MT's and use them all the time I also had a double pushchair that was a lifesaver - I dont always have access to a car and being able to strap them both in to go and get food shopping done was great

[Serenyd]

Thanks for the replies everyone! I definately feel a lot better and a little more prepared. PREC!

NAK

[CarrieMF]

My younger 2 are 12months apart. I also had a 3.5year old then too.

Overall having 2 close together wasn't hard. The middle one started walked 2 weeks before the baby was born.

The baby was a hard baby but would have been whether she was #1 or I had 10 years between kids. She had a dairy allergy and reflux so she screamed & puked all the time. she didn't sleep at night unless we were on the recliner & she still spent a good portion of that crying.

I got really good at holding 1 kid & picking up the other, my arms were in unbelievable shape.lol

Now that they're older(almost 7, almost 8) it makes extra curricular activity planning nice. For some activities they're in the same group based on the age so it's only having to run once instead of twice.

They'll be in the same school for most of their years. There are possibilities of them being in the SAME class too though I think the school tries to make it so they aren't. Once my oldest gets to Grade 7(she's in 5 now) she'll no longer be in school with her siblings again.

I imagine it'll suck more when they can both drive,lol.

If I could plan it, I"d have had all my kids a year apart.