Confiscating toys

[Lisa1970]

I am 10w4d pregnant and my back is in extreme pain. I cannot bend, get on the floor really. I get completely out of breath just walking across the room. I cannot even cook because standing that long is too exhausting. It is the worst when I lay down. It does not hurt while actually laying down, but as soon as I attempt to sit or stand from laying down, the pain is so extreme that sometimes, I will cry before I even start trying to stand. I have already taken every single possible avenue to reduce this pain and nothing will resolve this until I am done being pregnant, unless, by some miracle, it goes away on its own.

In the meantime, my 4 yr old, who will be 5 in May, continues to enjoy trashing my house. He dumps entire toy boxes, he takes apart lego creations while throwing down the peices, he rips bedding off beds, you get the idea. I have been working for a long time to put an end to this behavior. Finally, before Christmas, I confiscated most the Legos. He and his siblings had 2 huge under the bed containers full of Legos. I took away the bigger one. But, the smaller one is dumped..he did it. The rest of the children are tired of cleaning up after him. He thinks it is fun to in one fell swoop, grab the container and dump it. Then he dumps the k'nex too so cleaning it up means sorting through all those little peices.

Even when I walk up and down the stairs, I have to skip steps and navigate around the things the 4 yr old left on the steps. When asked to clean up, he just screams and runs away and hides. I think it is time to confiscate more toys. I hate to do that, as you have to pick and chose and it stiffles creativity. But with my mobility so limited, it caused me extreme pain when I tripped on a toy on the floor yesterday that I had not seen and I lost my balance. I know I won't enjoy navigating around this more in 2 or 3 months. I think it is horrible behavior that he does this.

I think I am going to take away everything that the older children do not play with. If he is not going to ever pick up after himself, I think he can just lose it all. I will leave out the Thomas set, Lincoln logs, a couple stuffed animals, little people stuff, and k'nex. I think I am even going to take the Legos so he cannot keep mixing the Legos and K'nex.

Any suggestions?

[Mama Mko]

I personally would not take away all of his toys. Is there anyone who can come in and help you?

[Daphneduck]

I would put some up, at least for a while. We rotate toys in and out of circulation here, or the house is littered with them. I would not take everything away, I think that action would lead to greater behavior problems. I do think that an almost five year old is old enough to clean up his Legos though, and it seems like a natural consequence to lose the privledge of playing with them if he won't help clean up.

[kirstenb]

I don't see a problem with putting away toys that aren't ever played with to help streamline everything and cut down on clutter. You can store them in the garage, and in a few months you can swap them out.

I second the suggestion of having someone come to help you. Maybe you can hire a mother's helper for a few hours every day or a couple times a week?

[Multimomma]

I don't have much advice on the toys, but wanted to offer

In your situation, i'd be much more worried about your back! To be in such pain at only 10 weeks is really a concern, have you considered talking to your doctor or seeing a chiropractor? Because as that baby gets bigger, it's going to strain more.

[Lisa1970]

To clarify..when I said put away all the toys that are just his...meant still leaving out the toys he shares with his older siblings. That still leaves a fair number of stuff. I listed off many of the things that would still be left out in my original post.

I have been to the doctor..two of them, and the chiro. Nothing is helping and no diagnosis to work with. Closest we have is that I had kidney stones not so long ago and they thought they had come back at the begining of the pregnancy so it might be caused by something like that. But that is diagnosed through CT scan or MRI, which we cannot do.

[3*is*magic]

I think that in your situation, I would pick three or four open ended toys that you know he really enjoys playing with (blocks, dolls, play food) and leave them out but put the rest away. I have friends whose children are "dumpers" and they really seem happier with fewer things, not more because they are less easily overwhelmed.

If your son really wants a different toy to play with, he can choose to negotiate a "trade" with you with one of the toys you left out, or demonstrate that he's willing to pick up after himself.

Just my .02. I hope your back feel better soon!

[LaughingHyena]

I would think of it as rotating toys rather than confiscating them.

I can bend down to pick things up and that out still sounds more than I could deal with. We stick to having only one construction set or other set with small bits where the children can get to it at any one time. They are welcome to ask to switch.

Maybe a set time where everyone cleans up for half an hour or whatever. After that you get new toys and put the previous ones out of roatation.

[Lazy Gardens]

Lisa -
Have one discussion with him ... any toys that are left in areas where people walk will vanish and there will be no second chances. Walk him through the house and show him the areas that are OK for toys and those that have to be toy-free. Just set the expectation and stick to your stated plan.

My sister did this with her boy. In her case, all toys had to be cleared from the public areas before bedtime. The clutter problem vanished within a couple of days, after a few toys disappeared.

As for trashing the house and ripping up the beds ... he's big enough to clean up after himself. Have a second discussion with him and make the rule: you mess it up, you clean it up. And again, stick to it. If he refuses to clean up after4 dumping Legos ... the uncared for Legos vanish.

He's on a power trip, and you have to remind him that with great power comes great responsibility.

[Ks Mama]

First, I'd suggest figuring out why you're in so much pain. Have you seen a chiropractor? Mine helped immensely during my pregnancies.

Secondly, I think that limiting the number of toys is okay, but I wouldn't do it spitefully or punitively. Instead, I'd sit down with your son & talk to him about the vast number of toys on the floor, and how you are sensing that he's having some difficulty managing what he has, and that you'd like to work with him to come up with his favorite few that he'd like to keep out, and which he would like to put away for a while. You can explain that you'd like to rotate toys as well, which would make some toys seem NEW again. I've done this with my children - and they actually enjoy picking & choosing, and then rediscovering toys.

Thirdly, I'd explain to him that you are pregnant & in pain and that you need his help with cleaning up. But along with this, I'd assess his play areas - WITH him, to be certain that each toy HAS an appropriate place, and that those places are within his reach, that all box latches are easily opened by him, that shelves aren't too high, that drawers aren't too tight. Make sure he has adequate access to step stools, etc., ask him if there are any types of storage bins/shelves that he would LIKE to have that he doesn't have, and then RETEACH him how to put his toys away. Putting a toy away is PART of playing with that toy. But you can't just SAY it... you have to actually get down with him & DO it.

And finally, how much time do you spend with him? I find that when my daughter (4 yrs) starts expressing herself in these ways, upping my mom-on-one time with her helps solve most problems. He may be sensing your discomfort & irritation, and is taking out his confusion & fear about this in distructive ways.

[hedgewitch]

I have to admit as a 36 week preggo mum of a 3.5 yr old I was thinking - tidy it or lose it baby! A child of this age is capable of understanding IMO and if he is not willing to treat his things with respect I think it is reasonable to withdraw access to them until he is able to do so. He might be overwhelmed, he might be acting out, but slimming down seems like a good plan regardless.

I do consequences and would not be happy with deliberate destruction, so I'd set up a consequence for these actions. Considering the toys he has access to that are shared I hardly think he'd be hard done to if all 'his" toys went away!

For me it is better to set up a reasonable consequence that helps create a harmonious home than have the rather more drastic consequence of having to cope with insane, hormonal and "I've had enough" mummy when she finally snaps

I hope that you feel better soon, hugs to you.

[Delicateflower]

I would confiscate the lego and the knex. He is almost five, he understands cause and effect and is old enough to be responsible. He has shown that he cannot take care of those toys. I would tell him that when he has shown he can take care of his toys (by putting them away at the end of the day) he can have the others back.

Does he go to preschool? I love the way prechool teaches them to clean things up.

[Miasmamma]

I've been taking toys away from my DD and she's 2.5. She knows that if I have to pick it up after asking her to, it's mine. She may or may not get it back depending on what it is. Little junky toys from gumball machines etc don't come back. Her other toys like blocks and play food are gone for a week. She goes through cycles of wanting to help or not. Our house is too small for her to be able to leave toys scattered everywhere. I try to get her to at least confine the mess in her room, but that doesn't happen, hence the "if I pick it up it's mine" rule.

[Super Glue Mommy]

in my house I keep out a few toys at a time, that can be traded with toys in the closets toy bin whenever the kids ask.

[acsammel]

It is still possible that your back pain will go away on its own well before the end of the pregnancy. At about 11 weeks along in my last pregnancy, I had excrutiating back pain to the point of not being able to do anything. I went to my doctor and a back specialist and neither could help me. I posted to an online group about it and many women responded that they had the same problem around 10-12 weeks. It seemed to be related to a specific hormone surge at that stage of pregnancy. After about 3-4 weeks, my pain thankfully went away.

[Bell]

Originally Posted by Delicateflower

I would confiscate the lego and the knex. He is almost five, he understands cause and effect and is old enough to be responsible. He has shown that he cannot take care of those toys. I would tell him that when he has shown he can take care of his toys (by putting them away at the end of the day) he can have the others back.

Does he go to preschool? I love the way prechool teaches them to clean things up.

I agree. He can understand why you're doing that.:

[Honey693]

When my mom would get fed up with the toy mess and we wouldn't clean up she would confiscate toys. They'd go in a big bag in her room and we'd have X amount of time to earn them back (helping around the house, etc.) before they went to goodwill. We'd get to pick the toy we wanted back when we helped and by the end of the time frame we never cared about what was left in the bag.

[mistymama]

I'm sorry you are in so much pain.

I would definately limit the amount of toys he has access to. Before ds got the idea of cleaning up, I would put the "big mess" toys out of reach where he would have to ask for them. Then we would take them out one at a time and clean them up before taking out the next one. I did this with very little involvement from me, other than some verbal encouragement like "As soon as we get those legos into their bucket, we can play x game you want to get down!"

That fairly quickly taught ds how to clean up, so now I can say things like "Clean up the legos before we get the next toy out" and he will do it.

I think limiting access to the messy toys is a great idea while you are in pain. Legos can be a total PITA, and if he can't clean them up right now, I don't see why they can't go away for a little bit, for your sanity. Leave out more simple toys with fewer pieces and when you are feeling more up to it you can work with him on cleaning up.

[cappuccinosmom]

I don't think it has to be a punishment or anything.

You are physically unable to cope with all that stuff being thrown around. He's getting his kicks not from playing with it but from being destructive. Sounds like a little break from the Legos and K'Nex would be a good idea for everyone.

If you have the toys organized and sorted into boxes, perhaps you could have a locked closet or something and allow access to only *one* box at a time. And it has to be put away before another box is allowed out.

[Anastasiya]

I say confiscate as well. I started doing that when my oldest were 4 and 2.5. They BOTH still understand very much what I'm doing, and tell their friends when they come to visit that "Mommy put away ___ because we didn't pick it up." Especially when all he's doing is dumping - he isn't even playing with them, apparently, just making the house the mess. And at almost age 5, I think that's uncalled for. I would call that behavior disrespectful, since he knows Mom or another sibling has to clean it all up.

In our house, when we ask that toys be picked up, and they aren't, they disappear for a few days up to a week. When the kids are bored and just dump and walk away, then they disappear for longer, since obviously they aren't stimulated by them anyway enough to actually engage in any kind of *play* with them.

Sorry for the back pain. My mom had kidney stones for years, went to some chiropractor guy, drank a weird "potion" and had them "zapped" from her. Someone here probably knows what technique he used, but they were gone pretty much instantly, and Mom's been backache free ever since. I hope you can find some relief!