Mommy Guilt

[Honey693]

I have so much mommy guilt. I know it's completely stupid and I'm doing the best I can, but that doesn't help. DH doesn't care, just so long as DD is alive he thinks I'm doing a good job (I love this man). I feel bad about everything, from letting her sleep in the swing sometimes (like know) to having no idea what games to play with a 4 month to how often I hit the gym and the cleanliness of my house. I know other moms have guilt so share what you have mommy guilt about with me so I'll feel a bit more sane.

[holothuroidea]

It took me about 6 months to find enough confidence in my mothering, and enough strength in my bond with my daughter, to let go of that guilt.

I always felt guilty that I wasn't interacting enough with her. She'd be playing on the floor and I would be writing or reading or whatever and I would feel guilty about it. You know what? That's just fine! She doesn't need me in her face all the time. I'd also feel guilty about sleeping in, not vacuuming, not making dinner every night, not holding her enough, putting her in the excersaucer, letting her cry for longer than 5 seconds before picking her up, and so on.

I've come to believe that children need these things to grow:
Unconditional Love
A Healthy Environment
A Good Example

As long as I am providing these things, I feel no guilt.

More for you. Give it time.

Also, when I start to feel guilty about something I remember that I am providing an example for her. Would I want her to feel guilty about this? If not, then I need to let go of that guilt because I don't want her to grow up thinking that it's something to feel guilty about, KWIM? This applies especially to housekeeping and cooking every night.

[meemee]

you know mama as your child grows older and is healthy and happy - you will slowly be able to let go off that guilt. to a degree.

i think its something we carry all our lives. in degrees.

i have let go a lot of guilt now that my dd is 6 and she seems to be doing ok ....

but some still remain.

the thing is not that you have it, but what you do with it.

if it pulls you down and you have trouble interacting with your child, or it stops you from getting rest when you have the opportunity - then you need to watch it.

otherwise sometimes its a motivator for us to keep on our toes and do our best.

i really have come to the conclusion that i will always have mommy guilt - but i wont let that affect me.

i guess sometimes it would be seen as regret. and quilt is always in hindsight.

there comes apoint when you yourself realise you are doing the best that you can.

and that applies to EVERYTHING not just parenting.

some of my guilts have been - my divorce, not being able to hs (probably my biggest since seh has such a personality for hs) and now not having the money to sign her up for the classes that are her interest and the ones she has talent in, being on welfare.... the list goes on.

[chipper26]

Thanks for posting this. You are not alone, it haunts me too. I feel like if I'm not constantly holding or interacting with dd that I'm neglecting her. Now that she is 7 months old, I try to tell myself that I need to let up and take care of myself too, for sanity purposes.

I'm always nearby, no further than 10 ft away, when I'm not directly interacting and usually I'm still talking to her or checking in with her every few minutes. Sometimes I feel like AP is supposed to = perfect or martyrdom and I have to remember that's not really what it is all about.

I respect and respond to her needs the best that I can and I'm there for her all day, every day. She will continue learning that and knowing that with each passing month/year.

[MariesMama]

This is probably going to come off as not AP at all, but you don't have to entertain your 4 month old 24/7! I cuddled my DD tons, but she spent lots of floor time when I was studying or cleaning (single mom here). She played in her "baby gym" and was content as content can be. She would let me know when she wanted to nurse or cuddle or have attention, but she also let me know when she just wanted to play or have quiet time. If your DD is content don't stress out about not interacting constantly! I now have a wonderful almost-one-year-old who loves to play with me and can entertain herself.

Although now I feel guilty that she is so independent. See if you can figure that one out

[ilovefelix]

oh man. i know those feelings too.

please don't beat yourself up. i know it's easier said than done sometimes.

the hardest for me is when i've made really stupid mistakes. like setting my ds too close to the edge of the bed & he fell off when he was about 3 1/2 months old. (we weren't sleeping i was working on something else in the room) i think i was more upset than he was. i called my mom & bawled. i look back on it now (and other things!) & realize that I am human. imperfect in every way. but i am devoted (as are you) to being the best mama i can possibly be.

it has gotten easier for me over time. although, i'm sure i'll beat myself up for plenty of things later on! every parent does that right??

Lots of support to you mama- you doing am awesome job!:

[maddycakes]

The prior posts are right on. I think the "guilt" is something that probably will stay with many of us even as our children get older. My latest "guilts"? Giving my DD a small bowl of veggie booty every night for the past two weeks when we get home from work/daycare just so I can have 5 minutes to take off my coat, feed the cat, etc....I haven't vacuumed her room in over 2 months....I am not completely sure of the last time we changed the bathroom towels....I don't think I have taken any pictures since Christmas....I am pretty sure my husband thinks I want nothing to do with him in the bedroom (and more than occasionally, that's true because I am so flippin' tired). But you know what? We're all healthy, fed, warm and feel loved anyway so who the heck cares?

And with your daughter being only 4 months old I think you deserve to and should give yourself a huge break -- my DD is 17 months old and I still don't hit the gym even remotely as often as I should (hence still hanging onto babyweight!) and I've learned how to turn a blind eye to the dust bunnies that are now living in our house (hey at least they keep the cat entertained--and if you invite over other friends with kids, they too likely have developed "blind eyes" and won't notice it either!).

Even though I still feel guilty twinges from time to time, I've really started to try and change my perspective about all of the things driving this so-called guilt so that it is easier to keep at bay. If you look up the definition of "guilt" you will see it says something like this:

...a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined...

I personally do not think that letting your baby sleep in a swing, etc. qualifies for this definition, and quite frankly I think all young children are so fascinated by everything (especially at your DD's age) that it is impossible to bore them! If you have a sling to walk around with her she will see and experience so many things that may seem mundane to us, but are still completely new to her. In fact, if you want to kill two birds with one stone, why not put baby in the swing or sling and have her watch you do a workout DVD or dust the bookshelves while you dance to music -- just be sure to shut the curtains so the neighbors don't laugh too!

Doesn't the "feeling of responsibility" really boil down to the physical, mental and practical inability to do everything at 100% full-capacity all at once? If we cannot change that fact, why do we spend so much time worrying about it? We are moms, not superheros, and thus failing to do everything for everyone should not be considered a crime, offense or wrong. If we think of ourselves before we had jobs, significant others, and other "commitments" that existed pre-baby, why is it that no one ever said they had "employer guilt" (like when we slack off at work or need to do other things like go to doctors appointments) or "wife guilt" (like when we choose to fall asleep, read a book or hang out with friends instead of perhaps giving hubby some of the time he deserves) or "gym guilt"? I'd say it's probably because deep down we know that it is unrealistic and likely unhealthy to give yourself completely to something/someone else...all.of.the.time. I think this is true even with children, whom I realize are different from the above-examples because we are raising, caring for and teaching little human beings who rely on us for these things, but so long as you're providing love and the basics (food, shelter, etc.), it's not completely unreasonable to divert your attention to other things for a short while if you can. If you find that you'd rather just "be" with your daughter and forego cleaning, so be it. If you are itching to clean the bathroom and it means that DD will have to hang in there and do some tummy time near by for a few minutes, no harm no foul. In my book, focusing on whatever you need to to get through the minute, hour, day is not an offense, it is a way of staying sane.

On a side note, as for what to do with your 4 months old, there are lots of posts on these kinds of things. For me, one book that I found helpful is "Wonderplay" - it has some good ideas for what to do with the LO's at various stages. Also, putting my DD in the Baby Bjorn while I cleaned the cabinets or did some scrapbooking, or putting her in the swing while I baked something left her mesmerized, and we weren't even "playing games". Another thing that is great for young kids is watching fish in an aquarium -- even a 5 gallon one with a few goldfish is completely entertaining (and soothing) for long chunks of time.

Good luck and ease up on yourself.

[Kappa]

Whenever I start to feel "mommy guilt" I start to list the things that I AM doing that are positive for my baby.

No, my house isn't clean but my baby's clothes are and he has a fresh diaper.

No, I am not playing with him right at this moment, but among other things, I tickle him every day, talk to him, exercise with him, and take him to Kindermusik every week!

Yes, the baby sleeps in the swing at daycare, but he sleeps with me and DH at night, nursing whenever he wants, and will have that comfort until HE is ready to give it up.