H is leaving me - Page 2

[lanielayne]

We have been having our own issues as well though there isn't a third party involved with us. I can't imagine what I would do in that situation but I hope he puts your children before her. I also hope you have support nearby. I don't and I know how hard that can be. Good luck on this and if you need to talk we are always here!

[hippiemommaof4]

I'm so sorry, what a thoughtless careless thing to do though on his part...only wants to stay around for the kids if it doesnt work out for the other woman? Not cool. ((((((big hugs)))))

[DomerJen]

I'm so sorry.

[Double E]

i'm also sending hugs and positive thoughts your way.
i know that must be a tough situation for everyone involved.

[My*Scorpio]

[galincognito]

[herins]

Wow. Sending you and your kids some big, huge hugs.

[Devaskyla]

Thanks for the hugs & support everyone. I really appreciate it. Trying to hold it together today for the kids & try not to cry. We're not telling them until we have some idea when he's going, since it could be a few months.

Originally Posted by jdubbelewe

what are your feelings on being a single mom? do you have adequate support around you to help out? please let us know if you need anything!!

Terrified, tbh. At least I'll have a year after the baby comes before I have to worry about whether I'll be able to stay home or have to get a job, though. Well, so long as my benefits stay the same as they have been. I think I need to find something I can do from home to bring in some extra money. And he says if he makes money (he qualifies for disability, but really wants to get into writing), he'll send some for the kids. He was genuinely shocked that I thought he might not. My main concern is, because he's been either WAH or disabled for the kids' whole lives, I've never had to parent alone, really. The closest I've come is when the kids & I go to my mom's & even then, there's another adult.

I have one friend locally. I sent her an email, so I guess I'll find out how she reacts later. Couldn't really tell her on the phone with the kids around. My mom lives a couple hours away but I don't imagine she'll be much help, I don't get on with her very well. I'm not even sure how to tell her. It honestly has crossed my mind not to say anything to her until after he's gone. I also have the local freebirth group that I'm involved with. Wouldn't really say I'm friends with any of them, though, so who knows.

Originally Posted by Goniopal

Just a thought: could this woman come closer to you? Not necessarily easier for you, but a way to keep dad closer for the kids . . .

We've been talking about it. He wants to go there & see if things work out with her before doing anything like having her move here. We talked about him getting citizenship here before he leaves (he's just a permanent resident atm), but it would take a year probably. Don't think I can live like this for that long, even if he'd wait. I think he'll at least get a resident card so he can come back. She's apparently willing to relocate if things work out, so maybe in a couple years, they'd be nearby.

He's talking to her all day every day on his computer. I'm getting past the shock now & getting pissed at what this is going to do to the kids.

[eewieew]

Originally Posted by Devaskyla

He's talking to her all day every day on his computer. I'm getting past the shock now & getting pissed at what this is going to do to the kids.

good, and when that anger wells up, channel it into something productive. then let him have it.

i go through this with my h. his level of selfishness is so far beyond my comprehension.
ugh, i get angry just thinking about it.

[JJ'sMom]

Wow, what a tough spot.

I would try to sit with him and detail how the two of you want to do your best for the kids and what that will look like in detail. (Include a limit on computer time while the kids are around?) I hope that if you focus on your kids then you will always be able to communicate well for them and help them with the huge transitions coming.

Use the energy from your emotions to do positive things. Set up support and meet people in your community who are able to help. (Way easier said than done....)

I hope I am not too er.....preachy?

Julia

[GoddessJ]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Let us know any ways in which we can support you through this, especially being 37 weeks pregnant.

I recently read an article about Why Men Leave during pregnancy and post partum. It talked a lot about it re-creating their own birth traumas and childhood issues that are left unresolved. If I can find it I will send the link. Maybe it would help shine some light on things.

[Devaskyla]

Thanks for the thought Jaiya, but I'm pretty certain it's just crappy timing & nothing to do with the baby. He feels like this is his one chance for happiness, ever, & if he doesn't do something about it asap, he's going to miss out. Me, I think if they really care about each other that much, he could at least stick around for a few months instead of rushing into things. It doesn't help that he'd be going back to his home country, where his dad isn't doing too well, he's already lived twice as long as the doctor's said he would (and h's dad is being abandoned by his girlfriend in a couple weeks...she's moving to Australia) so he feels too like he needs to get there & take care of his dad, too. We're actually thinking of just telling the kids & my family that for now. He says he's determined to find some way to come back & see the kids, at least to visit & hopefully for them to move here.

And he really doesn't seem to see how damaging this is probably going to be for the kids. He keeps saying he doesn't want to hurt them, but he completely ignores/rationalizes away everything I'm saying. Easy for him, he's going to be having this new relationship & getting to see his dad again after 13 years. He's not going to have to be here to cope with the older kids melting down & a newborn.

[elephantine]

He's horrible... he thinks he can just abandon his own kids? Whether you and he are working out or not... he should at least be staying in the area and shouldering 50% of the childcare responsibilities.

Imagine if it were you leaving him with all the kids... how would that fly? WTF?! He needs to tell those kids exactly what he is doing... don't let him get away with just disappearing leaving you with the responsibility of telling his sons what he did.

I would cut him off and out NOW-- throw him out to fend for himself and make him go find another computer to burn out talking to this woman. He wouldn't be eating at my table or sleeping in my house... no... and it isn't about falling out of love, that can happen, and I don't think couples should stay together for the kids... separation and divorce happen all the time -- but his aim is abandonment!! You're full term pregnant with his child for crying out loud! I don't care how disabled he is -- if he is healthy enough to be on the damn computer all day getting his jollies off with a woman he has never met -- he could be making some effing income. Do not enable this man further... I'm sorry if I'm jumping the gun or anything, but unless I've read incorrectly this guy sounds like a bum -- leaching off you for how long? UGH and when his new woman gets tired of his mooching, he'll come back to you and the kids... what are you, a meal ticket for him??? Disgusting!!! Outraged!

I'm very sorry for you and the kids..

ETA: and I'm probably going to come off as callous.. but his dad being sick? Big deal... a visit would be one thing, but when someone forms a family and has kids, those kids take priority! What a pathetic excuse... sounds like a bunch of whining and crying so he can get what he wants.

[Night_Nurse]

Not in your DDC but wanted to send hugs and good thoughts your way.

[liliaceae]

Originally Posted by elephantine

He's horrible... he thinks he can just abandon his own kids? Whether you and he are working out or not... he should at least be staying in the area and shouldering 50% of the childcare responsibilities.

Imagine if it were you leaving him with all the kids... how would that fly? WTF?! He needs to tell those kids exactly what he is doing... don't let him get away with just disappearing leaving you with the responsibility of telling his sons what he did.

I would cut him off and out NOW-- throw him out to fend for himself and make him go find another computer to burn out talking to this woman. He wouldn't be eating at my table or sleeping in my house... no... and it isn't about falling out of love, that can happen, and I don't think couples should stay together for the kids... separation and divorce happen all the time -- but his aim is abandonment!! You're full term pregnant with his child for crying out loud! I don't care how disabled he is -- if he is healthy enough to be on the damn computer all day getting his jollies off with a woman he has never met -- he could be making some effing income. Do not enable this man further... I'm sorry if I'm jumping the gun or anything, but unless I've read incorrectly this guy sounds like a bum -- leaching off you for how long? UGH and when his new woman gets tired of his mooching, he'll come back to you and the kids... what are you, a meal ticket for him??? Disgusting!!! Outraged!

I'm very sorry for you and the kids..

ETA: and I'm probably going to come off as callous.. but his dad being sick? Big deal... a visit would be one thing, but when someone forms a family and has kids, those kids take priority! What a pathetic excuse... sounds like a bunch of whining and crying so he can get what he wants.

I disagree. While it is an awful thing he is doing, she has to put her kids before her own pride. Kicking him out now won't serve any real purpose. She needs his help now at the end of her pregnancy; she needs someone to help her out with the kids during labor and in the postpartum period.

She needs to do what is best for her kids. I agree with the OP that it would be best to tell the kids that H is leaving in order to care for his sick father. That will definitely be easier for them to understand and accept than telling them he is leaving them for a woman.

[elephantine]

ugh. Last thing I want to say on this, but how much help is this guy if he's constantly engrossed on the computer all day long? Why does he drop this bomb when she's at the point she could go into labor any day? And who's to say he doesn't leave them high and dry tomorrow or next week?

I think you should get a lawyer and file separation and custody paperwork asap and a child support order... he will be forced to find work and financially contribute to the children he helped bring into this world. I think making it easy for him to sneak off to Europe or wherever and lying to everyone to keep him from looking like the dirtbag he is, is just wrong on so many levels.

[hippiemommaof4]

Originally Posted by elephantine

ugh. Last thing I want to say on this, but how much help is this guy if he's constantly engrossed on the computer all day long? Why does he drop this bomb when she's at the point she could go into labor any day? And who's to say he doesn't leave them high and dry tomorrow or next week?

I think you should get a lawyer and file separation and custody paperwork asap and a child support order... he will be forced to find work and financially contribute to the children he helped bring into this world. I think making it easy for him to sneak off to Europe or wherever and lying to everyone to keep him from looking like the dirtbag he is, is just wrong on so many levels.

you can just speak for me for the most part lol ITA...I dont believe in lying to children about a parent who does things like this either (even if you dont intend to outright lie to them so to speak). If my husband did this to me my kids and everyone would know the truth. I dont want anyone thinking they can hold something against me later in life when I was the person who was trying to hold things together and doing nothing wrong. They would know that it was his selfish choice to leave us and he did it for another woman period if that were the case.

[Devaskyla]

Originally Posted by liliaceae

I disagree. While it is an awful thing he is doing, she has to put her kids before her own pride. Kicking him out now won't serve any real purpose. She needs his help now at the end of her pregnancy; she needs someone to help her out with the kids during labor and in the postpartum period.

She needs to do what is best for her kids. I agree with the OP that it would be best to tell the kids that H is leaving in order to care for his sick father. That will definitely be easier for them to understand and accept than telling them he is leaving them for a woman.

Thank you. I want as much help as I can get, for as long as I can get it and I want to protect my kids as much & for as long as possible.

Originally Posted by elephantine

ugh. Last thing I want to say on this, but how much help is this guy if he's constantly engrossed on the computer all day long? Why does he drop this bomb when she's at the point she could go into labor any day? And who's to say he doesn't leave them high and dry tomorrow or next week?

I think you should get a lawyer and file separation and custody paperwork asap and a child support order... he will be forced to find work and financially contribute to the children he helped bring into this world. I think making it easy for him to sneak off to Europe or wherever and lying to everyone to keep him from looking like the dirtbag he is, is just wrong on so many levels.

He actually helps more than a lot of men. He makes supper almost every night & has done since ds1 was born. He does dishes 50-75% of the time, depending on which of us is feeling crappier at the time. He carries the laundry up to the laundry for me, does most of the errands that involve going outside, since I hate going anywhere, often takes the kids out with him. Tried to help with sewing the diapers for the baby. Does all the techie stuff. Let's me sleep in quite often. Feeds, dresses & changes the kids when I'm not around or if I'm busy, even though it often winds up with him having to take prescription painkillers because of the pain it causes him.

He apparently told me now because he's lost 15 pounds in the last week & been ill from the stress of keeping it from me. He sucks at keeping secrets/lying.

He can't leave until he gets his paperwork sorted. Since he hasn't even sent it in yet, it's going to be awhile.

Originally Posted by hippiemommaof4

If my husband did this to me my kids and everyone would know the truth. I dont want anyone thinking they can hold something against me later in life when I was the person who was trying to hold things together and doing nothing wrong. They would know that it was his selfish choice to leave us and he did it for another woman period if that were the case.

I've got no intention of doing anything to turn my kids against their dad. They adore him & they're going to have enough issues without me basically telling them their dad abandoned them. Eventually he'll either come back to this country, with or without this woman, or he'll stay there. By that time, the kids will have adjusted to not having him around & it won't be such a blow to them.

Honestly, we've both been trying to hold things together for years & he's the one who's been hurt more than me, because he believed that he loved me. If she were coming here (or better yet, was actually from here) I would be very happy for him.

[elephantine]

ok, well I guess this is kinda "same planet, different worlds" you obviously have a very unique relationship here that I'm unable to understand. The parts in your posts about him not working and being on the computer all day long and being ok leaving his kids for a long time, possibly years... is what set me off. I hope it works out all the best then and he continues helping you throughout the rest of your pg, birth and pp.

[hippiemommaof4]

Originally Posted by Devaskyla

Thank you. I want as much help as I can get, for as long as I can get it and I want to protect my kids as much & for as long as possible.



He actually helps more than a lot of men. He makes supper almost every night & has done since ds1 was born. He does dishes 50-75% of the time, depending on which of us is feeling crappier at the time. He carries the laundry up to the laundry for me, does most of the errands that involve going outside, since I hate going anywhere, often takes the kids out with him. Tried to help with sewing the diapers for the baby. Does all the techie stuff. Let's me sleep in quite often. Feeds, dresses & changes the kids when I'm not around or if I'm busy, even though it often winds up with him having to take prescription painkillers because of the pain it causes him.

He apparently told me now because he's lost 15 pounds in the last week & been ill from the stress of keeping it from me. He sucks at keeping secrets/lying.

He can't leave until he gets his paperwork sorted. Since he hasn't even sent it in yet, it's going to be awhile.



I've got no intention of doing anything to turn my kids against their dad. They adore him & they're going to have enough issues without me basically telling them their dad abandoned them. Eventually he'll either come back to this country, with or without this woman, or he'll stay there. By that time, the kids will have adjusted to not having him around & it won't be such a blow to them.

Honestly, we've both been trying to hold things together for years & he's the one who's been hurt more than me, because he believed that he loved me. If she were coming here (or better yet, was actually from here) I would be very happy for him.

Well I was pretty much one of those children, my mother abandoned my sister and I leaving us with my dad and taking off when we were really young. My dad was pretty honest about it.Eventually they will figure out the truth on their own. Reguardless it is your choice but if they find out later they might be hurt either way that you didnt tell them esp if they ask. My dad never turned us against my mom we found out on our own about a lot of things we didnt want to believe or accept but my dad was honest with us about her poor choices and rightfully so. So just because you are truthful with them doesnt mean you are turning them against him at all. They're going to question it at some point, sometimes its better just to be honest from the start and say something like "yes your dad is leaving us/ left us but that doesnt mean he is a bad person, he's just dealing with other issues in life right now." Or however you want to word it to their level of understanding. Like I said though your choice, but just because you are truthful doesnt mean that you are putting them against him. I also want to add that him coming back later will be just as hard for them possibly too, my mom did that to us too would show back up and we were always devestated when she left again or even if she didn't leave. It was just a lot of confusion either way for us as little kids. I'm sorry that you all have to go through this but its going to be really hard no matter what you choose to do. I have been through it as the kid, so I can understand from that perspective. My mom left us when I was about 4 and my lil sis was 2...